It’s hit the fan
Notifications OFF
I've had a friend contact me by text to say we've hit the press.
literally hours after plea hearing at magistrates. Court was not in our local town and I thought we'd avoided it. Click bait headline, full name, age address (not house number but street, town and city). Mentioned the mitigating circumstances everything except the fact there's a child involved. It's only on the newspapers website but a link can be shared. I'm devastated. I was hoping to avoid press until sentencing then it would be after my little ones birthday and close to school holidays so they can't be bullied or have friends no-show to their party. Devastated. My ex hasn't seen it yet. I'm hoping his parents house doesn't get targeted as my little one visits there. I'm also hoping nobody approaches him about it as his mental health is rock bottom and I've gone through enough without having to talk him out of anything silly or god forbid a funeral on my hands.
My name is not common, I'm well known in the community so I'll be identified by association. *curseword* This is not mine or my child's fault, can I not just pick up the destroyed remains of my life in peace with a shred of dignity without the local rag raking up sensational smut? FFS this is NOT in the public interest; it was a police decoy; the only real victims here are me and my child. This is all so unfair. We didn't do anything wrong but are punished and humiliated all over again. Has anyone got a nice rock I can crawl under please?!?
literally hours after plea hearing at magistrates. Court was not in our local town and I thought we'd avoided it. Click bait headline, full name, age address (not house number but street, town and city). Mentioned the mitigating circumstances everything except the fact there's a child involved. It's only on the newspapers website but a link can be shared. I'm devastated. I was hoping to avoid press until sentencing then it would be after my little ones birthday and close to school holidays so they can't be bullied or have friends no-show to their party. Devastated. My ex hasn't seen it yet. I'm hoping his parents house doesn't get targeted as my little one visits there. I'm also hoping nobody approaches him about it as his mental health is rock bottom and I've gone through enough without having to talk him out of anything silly or god forbid a funeral on my hands.
My name is not common, I'm well known in the community so I'll be identified by association. *curseword* This is not mine or my child's fault, can I not just pick up the destroyed remains of my life in peace with a shred of dignity without the local rag raking up sensational smut? FFS this is NOT in the public interest; it was a police decoy; the only real victims here are me and my child. This is all so unfair. We didn't do anything wrong but are punished and humiliated all over again. Has anyone got a nice rock I can crawl under please?!?
Oh no, I'm so sorry to read this. I've been there so know how it feels and can promise you it will eventually get easier.
Thanks Ocean
Im ok really, it's just a bit of a kick in the teeth. We've had so many negative experiences throughout this whole thing I was hoping for a bit of luck/hope/good karma regarding press. Oh well yesterdays news is today's chip papers.
Im not naive enough to think I've never been the subject of some gossip or other in my life and I've never noticed or let it affect me......so I'm not going to start now. It's just disappointing.
Im ok really, it's just a bit of a kick in the teeth. We've had so many negative experiences throughout this whole thing I was hoping for a bit of luck/hope/good karma regarding press. Oh well yesterdays news is today's chip papers.
Im not naive enough to think I've never been the subject of some gossip or other in my life and I've never noticed or let it affect me......so I'm not going to start now. It's just disappointing.
We are waiting to be charged and honestly this is what I dread the most out of everything. Feel unsafe in my home.
I love reading your positive attitude because you are right... won't be the first time people gossip about something and won't be the last but why let it affect us!
I love reading your positive attitude because you are right... won't be the first time people gossip about something and won't be the last but why let it affect us!
My person is a few weeks post sentencing and it was online in the press before he'd even got back from court. It seemed like the worst thing in the world at the time but he's been ok. Not targeted by anyone. I find people are dealing with and thinking about their own issues. Neighbours still talking to him. One doesn't but they were a bit odd before this anyway. He gets a little anxious when he goes out but he's had no comments. So yes like you say it soons becomes old news x
Holdingthegrenade
How are things going? This is my worst nightmare which we will be approaching soon. I'm hoping and praying that no one sees the fallout online . It seems so unfair that it's the families of offenders who suffer too - how do we move on from the hell of the last few years ?
How are things going? This is my worst nightmare which we will be approaching soon. I'm hoping and praying that no one sees the fallout online . It seems so unfair that it's the families of offenders who suffer too - how do we move on from the hell of the last few years ?
I'm so sorry you've experienced this ...we hit the media 9 days after sentencing, those 9 days felt like cautious elation with each passing day, and then whammo. Like your OH, it was a police decoy posing as another adult, the press focused on the details (one side of course) of the conversation, which was truly awful to see in print. He had 9 images in his cache and that was the only charge, but the press like to take all the juicy bits that the CPS put together to create the image of a perverted monster (when let's be honest, for most of these men, have been in a devastatingly low period in their lives, with access to material that shouldn't exist in the first place, and spiralling in to a dark place needing help).
So 'I know' thinks our glorious UK press, let's get it published so this person can be socially outcast, never lead a normal life again, lose support and love from their family & friends, lose their job and home. Lose their relationship with their own children.
Not only that, the very real and awful impact it has on US...judged for staying, having the life you knew shattered, strained relationships, lost relationships ....the fall out is unfathomable. The man who wrote the article gets paid his salary, his editor happy with another job well done, the sun sets and rises and another day comes where they can ruin someone else's life. The press HAVE to be held accountable ...!
The irony for us is seemingly the only people who know are the people that directly know us - all our family, friends, loved ones. Many have already made their minds up and turned their back on me - phrases like 'you've failed as a mother' - 'there's no smoke without fire' - 'you've compartmentalised' - I'd say 99% of our relationships have been adversely affected ..I think in time things will start to change, but will never be the same, so for now this is our life.
Trying to move forward and make the best of what we have, protect our kids and try to find laughter together in a world that no longer understands why we are even a couple!
I've had to switch off from it all to be honest and focus on what I can control. I'm happy at work, my boys are happy, we are expecting the SS report soon so we can have supervised contact (no overnights at this point but that's fine). The village I live in doesn't seem to know anything and I'm having nice normal conversations with lots of people that don't know, so that feels like a slice of normal. But let's be honest my pre-press normal has long gone and I try not to dwell on it too much, because there's really very little I can do to change peoples opinions. People are concerned (understandably if the only thing you know is what you've read) but we're okay, we're happy, we want to move forward. That's not a crime is it!? Sure does feel like it sometimes!
Booking nice breaks away with my OH, on the cheap because his new factory job only just covers his bills, but it'll keep the wolves from the door for now. Lots of summer plans with the kids coming up too.
SW asked me last week where I want to be in a year from now and I said I just want my boys safe and happy from any potential fallout - and for me, I just want some peace. It's hard to look that far ahead when you're in the position we are in at the moment. We hoped and prayed the nightmare would end at sentencing, but it seems we needed humiliating and dragging through the (online) streets in shame first. Then we're left with a fractured life, scrabbling around for the pieces that our left to create our new normal.
But you know what, I won't hide, I won't be made to feel I've done wrong, when all I've done is try to understand these types of offences and fight to keep hold of the man I love, who my kids adore, to give us a future we deserve. Xxx
So 'I know' thinks our glorious UK press, let's get it published so this person can be socially outcast, never lead a normal life again, lose support and love from their family & friends, lose their job and home. Lose their relationship with their own children.
Not only that, the very real and awful impact it has on US...judged for staying, having the life you knew shattered, strained relationships, lost relationships ....the fall out is unfathomable. The man who wrote the article gets paid his salary, his editor happy with another job well done, the sun sets and rises and another day comes where they can ruin someone else's life. The press HAVE to be held accountable ...!
The irony for us is seemingly the only people who know are the people that directly know us - all our family, friends, loved ones. Many have already made their minds up and turned their back on me - phrases like 'you've failed as a mother' - 'there's no smoke without fire' - 'you've compartmentalised' - I'd say 99% of our relationships have been adversely affected ..I think in time things will start to change, but will never be the same, so for now this is our life.
Trying to move forward and make the best of what we have, protect our kids and try to find laughter together in a world that no longer understands why we are even a couple!
I've had to switch off from it all to be honest and focus on what I can control. I'm happy at work, my boys are happy, we are expecting the SS report soon so we can have supervised contact (no overnights at this point but that's fine). The village I live in doesn't seem to know anything and I'm having nice normal conversations with lots of people that don't know, so that feels like a slice of normal. But let's be honest my pre-press normal has long gone and I try not to dwell on it too much, because there's really very little I can do to change peoples opinions. People are concerned (understandably if the only thing you know is what you've read) but we're okay, we're happy, we want to move forward. That's not a crime is it!? Sure does feel like it sometimes!
Booking nice breaks away with my OH, on the cheap because his new factory job only just covers his bills, but it'll keep the wolves from the door for now. Lots of summer plans with the kids coming up too.
SW asked me last week where I want to be in a year from now and I said I just want my boys safe and happy from any potential fallout - and for me, I just want some peace. It's hard to look that far ahead when you're in the position we are in at the moment. We hoped and prayed the nightmare would end at sentencing, but it seems we needed humiliating and dragging through the (online) streets in shame first. Then we're left with a fractured life, scrabbling around for the pieces that our left to create our new normal.
But you know what, I won't hide, I won't be made to feel I've done wrong, when all I've done is try to understand these types of offences and fight to keep hold of the man I love, who my kids adore, to give us a future we deserve. Xxx
Eye, this is such a beautifully written post that sums up the feelings of so many of us. Well done for holding your head up high and being an inspiration to others.
Exactly! We've done nothing wrong. I haven't nothing to be ashamed of, so I'm going to carry on trying to rebuild my new life as best I can and everything I do is for my child. It's not their fault either but unfortunately we're dragged into this mess too. I've separated our lives as best I can without ruining my sons relationship with their dad. I will facilitate it in the safest way we can for as long as that's possible and they want it.
I told my close family a few weeks before plea, it was really making me ill having to lie to them and keeping them in the dark about the "why". I was terrified they might find out from someone else other than me (press) or disown me when I told them. I knew I had to do it before any court dates but had the words of social services warnings about the worst case scenarios churning up my anxietywith the what ifs. But they were so understanding and immediately had my back, and promised to help to protect my child from the damage this whole disaster can cause.
The one thing this situation made me question was my instincts....the fact my husband could do this to us, how I hadnt spotted or suspected, the horrific time with social services and questioning my protective parenting. It hits you hard. But I KNEW I was right and needed to tell my family and with the support of LFF helpline I plucked up the courage....I did it. And the relief was just immense. Yes some days I still feel broken, but I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and I'm determined to be an absolute warrior when it comes to protecting my little one and my own peace.
I know as hard as my decision was to leave; it was the right one. Not telling my closest family until I was mentally strong enough and knew the outcomes was hard; but again it was the right time and the right decision. Allowing heavily supervised contact even though I could quite easily have cut it off; was the right decision because my child is thriving, and safe, and happy and loved. I knew all along I could and will protect him and I will continue to do so no matter what the press or the gossips say.
I told my close family a few weeks before plea, it was really making me ill having to lie to them and keeping them in the dark about the "why". I was terrified they might find out from someone else other than me (press) or disown me when I told them. I knew I had to do it before any court dates but had the words of social services warnings about the worst case scenarios churning up my anxietywith the what ifs. But they were so understanding and immediately had my back, and promised to help to protect my child from the damage this whole disaster can cause.
The one thing this situation made me question was my instincts....the fact my husband could do this to us, how I hadnt spotted or suspected, the horrific time with social services and questioning my protective parenting. It hits you hard. But I KNEW I was right and needed to tell my family and with the support of LFF helpline I plucked up the courage....I did it. And the relief was just immense. Yes some days I still feel broken, but I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and I'm determined to be an absolute warrior when it comes to protecting my little one and my own peace.
I know as hard as my decision was to leave; it was the right one. Not telling my closest family until I was mentally strong enough and knew the outcomes was hard; but again it was the right time and the right decision. Allowing heavily supervised contact even though I could quite easily have cut it off; was the right decision because my child is thriving, and safe, and happy and loved. I knew all along I could and will protect him and I will continue to do so no matter what the press or the gossips say.
Hi Grenade how are you? When's your ex being sentenced? Sending all the hugs. We've got plea next Thursday and I'm terrified of the media. I'm particularly worried about background info being made public which isn't part of the charges but I found it more shocking than the original offence.
LisaMargeMaggie
Holding up ok. So far only my family have read the article which has full details of conversations and images not just charges; it also detailed where he is living, that he's lost home, family marriage etc. basically the content of what was read in court. I've had one friend come forward in support who saw it and reached out but nobody else has said anything so either they've not seen it or sont feel able to ask me to my face. Sentencing is the end of June. I'm hoping we escape a second round of press. Having your marriage breakdown and husbands dirty deeds printed in all their glory in local press did not do my self esteem or anxiety any good but most importantly so far; nobody has said anything to my child. They know dad is in trouble for being unsafe and talking to strangers online and because of that he can't live with us. but I'm hoping to spare them from any gossip, rumours or bullying around the sentencing etc and that we can just maintain our current safety plan and new normal going forward as realistically the restrictions are already pretty strict and unlikely to change. The only thing I'm really terrified of is custodial as that's not a conversation I'm looking forward to. Praying for my child's sake that we can avoid it as that will have the biggest impact on them.
Holding up ok. So far only my family have read the article which has full details of conversations and images not just charges; it also detailed where he is living, that he's lost home, family marriage etc. basically the content of what was read in court. I've had one friend come forward in support who saw it and reached out but nobody else has said anything so either they've not seen it or sont feel able to ask me to my face. Sentencing is the end of June. I'm hoping we escape a second round of press. Having your marriage breakdown and husbands dirty deeds printed in all their glory in local press did not do my self esteem or anxiety any good but most importantly so far; nobody has said anything to my child. They know dad is in trouble for being unsafe and talking to strangers online and because of that he can't live with us. but I'm hoping to spare them from any gossip, rumours or bullying around the sentencing etc and that we can just maintain our current safety plan and new normal going forward as realistically the restrictions are already pretty strict and unlikely to change. The only thing I'm really terrified of is custodial as that's not a conversation I'm looking forward to. Praying for my child's sake that we can avoid it as that will have the biggest impact on them.
Hi Holding the grenade
Your posts and story resonates with me. I'm terrified of the story hitting the press and it all becoming common knowledge. It would end my career which I've worked so hard for and it would take out my means of supporting my child. I'm so worried about the impact on my teenage son. The police listed our address as where my husband lives...he hasn't lived here for nearly two years. I've had to write to CPS/courts asking for our address not to be read out in court. There are 20 houses on our street. I feel so vulnerable.
Its magistrates court this week when we'll find out if they've listened to my pleas about our address. I assume crown court will follow in 4 weeks or so. I feel sick! I'm tired of paying for something I didn't do. sigh!
Your posts and story resonates with me. I'm terrified of the story hitting the press and it all becoming common knowledge. It would end my career which I've worked so hard for and it would take out my means of supporting my child. I'm so worried about the impact on my teenage son. The police listed our address as where my husband lives...he hasn't lived here for nearly two years. I've had to write to CPS/courts asking for our address not to be read out in court. There are 20 houses on our street. I feel so vulnerable.
Its magistrates court this week when we'll find out if they've listened to my pleas about our address. I assume crown court will follow in 4 weeks or so. I feel sick! I'm tired of paying for something I didn't do. sigh!
I'm terrified of this. How long did it take for people's plea to hit the media? Locally they seem to report after sentencing, as in - I've searched for variations of '[city] man plead guilty sexual communication' and the only stories seem to state the sentence too.
My persons plea hearing at magistrates didn't get highlighted by the press. It may have been listed on the local papers monthly court report round up. I didn't look for it. Just the sentencing hearing at crown court was picked up by the press then exacerbated by the OIC comments x
My son's case hit social media on the same day as the court hearing and was in the local paper the following week for both Magistrates court and Crown court.
I'm absolutely dreading this my now ex is in court this month we have children together and I'm terrified it's going to make the press we already have issues with certain neighbours (unrelated to my ex) but I know if they find out they will make it hell for my children and myself. It's all I can think about which in turn isn't great and its sending my mental health spiralling and my anxiety is awful at the moment too. I wish you all luck x
Hyacinth & all
It's been a month.
There was no reporter they could see or spot in court but it hit two local newspapers the same afternoon (thankfully only their online not printed). This was at magistrates for plea, slightly outside our area where we live/work. One article was behind a paywall but the brief details of the story summary revealed enough.
One of the stories was reposted by the local paper on their Facebook page. Only my 1 friend saw it and rang to warn me and has been an absolute legend.
Nobody else has mentioned anything
Im not on social media but I had a relative check and the Facebook page only had a few likes/reactions and a very small number of comments (the usual nasty names and unsympathetic comments). None of them seem to be people either of us know or have anyone in common with.
Nobody else has mentioned anything so either they haven't seen it or have and don't want to bring it up. Just counting down til sentencing. I don't care what they say about him or me, but I don't want anyone to say anything in front of my child about it. I don't want them bullied or picked on because of it. Equally I'm really reluctant to supervise access in public at the minute as I'm terrified I'll bump into someone who knows.
It's been a month.
There was no reporter they could see or spot in court but it hit two local newspapers the same afternoon (thankfully only their online not printed). This was at magistrates for plea, slightly outside our area where we live/work. One article was behind a paywall but the brief details of the story summary revealed enough.
One of the stories was reposted by the local paper on their Facebook page. Only my 1 friend saw it and rang to warn me and has been an absolute legend.
Nobody else has mentioned anything
Im not on social media but I had a relative check and the Facebook page only had a few likes/reactions and a very small number of comments (the usual nasty names and unsympathetic comments). None of them seem to be people either of us know or have anyone in common with.
Nobody else has mentioned anything so either they haven't seen it or have and don't want to bring it up. Just counting down til sentencing. I don't care what they say about him or me, but I don't want anyone to say anything in front of my child about it. I don't want them bullied or picked on because of it. Equally I'm really reluctant to supervise access in public at the minute as I'm terrified I'll bump into someone who knows.