Staying with my partner.. Help?
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So back in October we had the knock at the door. I was 38 weeks pregnant, all alone waiting for my partner to come home, I was just finishing dinner when they knocked. I then had to call my partner home without knowing why they had a warrant to be there etc and then when he finally arrived I was told. They then proceeded to take away his devices etc and took him for a voluntary interview before dropping him back home.
We've been in contact with social services as they had to carry out a risk assessment and all my care providers have been informed too. It feels like a genuine nightmare. I'm only 21, I was 20 at the time. I get so anxious when there's a knock at the door and I'm home alone, I don't know what's going to happen. Someone sent him a link on twitter to indecent images and then he continued to access and share images he'd found for 7 months until they knocked on the door.
None of our family members know about what happened and I'm really struggling to deal with this alone. I don't want to speak to family so I've come here as an alternative. My son is now 2 and a half months old. I have no reason to believe he is at risk and we've put measure in place so my partner doesn't access images again. Child lock on his phone etc. He is very remorseful and hates the fact he did it. I truly believe he was just led down the wrong path. He's autistic and has adhd as well as anxiety and depression too. He's now on meds to help with this and we've seen a great improvement. We also got engaged recently too and are working on our relationship to rebuild the trust.
I'm just really struggling because this is crazy. It's not something he'd do and I can't connect the person that did that to him. We are waiting to find out what's going to happen currently so all our life plans are on hold.
Despite everything I really love him. But there are days where I'm just so amgry/frustrated/annoyed/repulsed. I'm assume normal emotions. I need some advice on dealing with the situation. Some people's stories that have stayed with their partner maybe? I just want to get back to the old us eventually. Right now I feel there is a huge barrier between us. I'm in no way downplaying what he's done at all and I'm not ignoring it. But I'm really struggling to process it because I don't believe he'd do it, even though he obviously did. He's been very upfront about everything that has happened and is willing to talk it all through too. I don't know what I need to know in order to be able to process this. Can anyone help me? This is such a rambly post and I'm so confused. Thanks in advance to anyone who manages to get through thisthis mess of a post and reply. I really just need some support, anything to make this tidal wave of emotions settle..
We've been in contact with social services as they had to carry out a risk assessment and all my care providers have been informed too. It feels like a genuine nightmare. I'm only 21, I was 20 at the time. I get so anxious when there's a knock at the door and I'm home alone, I don't know what's going to happen. Someone sent him a link on twitter to indecent images and then he continued to access and share images he'd found for 7 months until they knocked on the door.
None of our family members know about what happened and I'm really struggling to deal with this alone. I don't want to speak to family so I've come here as an alternative. My son is now 2 and a half months old. I have no reason to believe he is at risk and we've put measure in place so my partner doesn't access images again. Child lock on his phone etc. He is very remorseful and hates the fact he did it. I truly believe he was just led down the wrong path. He's autistic and has adhd as well as anxiety and depression too. He's now on meds to help with this and we've seen a great improvement. We also got engaged recently too and are working on our relationship to rebuild the trust.
I'm just really struggling because this is crazy. It's not something he'd do and I can't connect the person that did that to him. We are waiting to find out what's going to happen currently so all our life plans are on hold.
Despite everything I really love him. But there are days where I'm just so amgry/frustrated/annoyed/repulsed. I'm assume normal emotions. I need some advice on dealing with the situation. Some people's stories that have stayed with their partner maybe? I just want to get back to the old us eventually. Right now I feel there is a huge barrier between us. I'm in no way downplaying what he's done at all and I'm not ignoring it. But I'm really struggling to process it because I don't believe he'd do it, even though he obviously did. He's been very upfront about everything that has happened and is willing to talk it all through too. I don't know what I need to know in order to be able to process this. Can anyone help me? This is such a rambly post and I'm so confused. Thanks in advance to anyone who manages to get through thisthis mess of a post and reply. I really just need some support, anything to make this tidal wave of emotions settle..
Hi confused.
What you emotional feeling is completely normal. Your still really at the begining of the process. My husband was charged between Christmas and New year of possession of indecent images. That was 16months post knock. The emotions do settle but are still there. It's good he's willing to talk it through with you. If he can get help and support from the doctor's and the helpline that would be good too. It helps with the case later in the process.
Talk to him and ask the questions you want answering. If he is willing to talk it through then you should get the answers you want. I don't have children myself but I did stay with my husband. We are still together and as for getting back to the old you unfortunately that won't happen but you will eventually find a new you as a couple. Your in the right place to get support. Take it day by day as your emotions will still be flooding your body from having your baby and the emotions of the knock too.
What you emotional feeling is completely normal. Your still really at the begining of the process. My husband was charged between Christmas and New year of possession of indecent images. That was 16months post knock. The emotions do settle but are still there. It's good he's willing to talk it through with you. If he can get help and support from the doctor's and the helpline that would be good too. It helps with the case later in the process.
Talk to him and ask the questions you want answering. If he is willing to talk it through then you should get the answers you want. I don't have children myself but I did stay with my husband. We are still together and as for getting back to the old you unfortunately that won't happen but you will eventually find a new you as a couple. Your in the right place to get support. Take it day by day as your emotions will still be flooding your body from having your baby and the emotions of the knock too.
Hi Confused, you are certainly not alone but I am sorry you are here.
I am still with my partner and we are here due to a porn addiction. Unfortunately this process is very drawn out, and it will certainly make you grow as a person. Take a look at my previous posts regarding experience to date. From day one my partner has been honest and remorseful, when it all happened he initially described himself as 'sick'. Within the first week of it all happening they were in counselling with a pyscho sexual therapist who specialise in sex addiction, and they confirmed 'porn addiction', helping my partner to understand his addiction. They continue to be in regular therapy and will be for a long time. Unfortuantely this feels like the worse addiction to have, compared to drug or alcohol addiction due to the stigma attached and fear of rejection should you reach out to others. Unfortunatley reality is some will reject you, but others wont. Porn addiction is rarely discussed, and when 'porn' is discussed it is normalised. As a result of this not many people are edcuated about the risks associated with porn and how it can lead you down this dark path.
In terms of coping I threw myself into understanding porn addiction, as there it lots of information available and research is rapidly growing. Sites which you may find informative is 'fight the new drug', 'your brain on porn', Paula Hall, a UK therapist has written books about sex addiction and delievered a ted talk, there is also a great 3 piece video by fight the new drug 'brain, heart, world'. Also lots of various ted talks and podcasts available. As I said, research has already identified a link between legal porn addiction and how it can lead you down this horrible dark path.
Everyone is unique with their own background and story as to how they got here. I would not be supporting my partner if they weren't remorseful and thought this was all okay. The fact that research is rapidly growing, on top of long, lenthy, uncomfortable but honest conversations with my partner has kept me by their side and remained open minded. Like all on this site, nobody condones the behaviour of their loved ones, but they are willing to try and understand how it happened. We will never fully understand, well I certainly wont as I don't have an addictive personality, I have a different brain set up and never been into porn or been influenced by the sex industry. However what I can understand is addiction, the science of the brain and research regarding porn addiction and over all mental health.
In terms of wellbeing, I did lots of walking and still do. Maybe create yourself a wellbeing plan, setting small achieveable goals as simple as a 10 min walk, reading a few pages from a book etc. Luckily I am sure your little one is a great distraction so maybe set small weekly goals with him, such as going out to the park or completing an activity. Make sure you get some form of exercise as its so important. Also at the end of the day write down 3 positives, as trivial as they may sound. There will always be a positive from your day, you just have to search hard enough as they may be hidden. This will help to keep your brain focussed, as its very easy for the brain to be manipulated.
I hope this information is useful for you, and like I said you are not alone. I will leave you with a positive quote...
"It takes nothing to join the crowd, it takes everything to stand alone".
This really resonated with me as it is very easy to follow and agree with society and buckle to peer pressure when you feel so alone, especially around such an understable controversial topic. However only you know your partner and only you know what is right for you. With all the information I have about porn addiction and my partner, I feel confident with my decision despite how hard it is to stand up when you have oposing views. There are to many people in this situation for me to dismiss it, along with the rapidly growing research. Also I feel confident in my opinion that I do not condone the behaviour at all.
Anyway take care of youself and your little one and like me, I am sure you will find this forum supportive.
I am still with my partner and we are here due to a porn addiction. Unfortunately this process is very drawn out, and it will certainly make you grow as a person. Take a look at my previous posts regarding experience to date. From day one my partner has been honest and remorseful, when it all happened he initially described himself as 'sick'. Within the first week of it all happening they were in counselling with a pyscho sexual therapist who specialise in sex addiction, and they confirmed 'porn addiction', helping my partner to understand his addiction. They continue to be in regular therapy and will be for a long time. Unfortuantely this feels like the worse addiction to have, compared to drug or alcohol addiction due to the stigma attached and fear of rejection should you reach out to others. Unfortunatley reality is some will reject you, but others wont. Porn addiction is rarely discussed, and when 'porn' is discussed it is normalised. As a result of this not many people are edcuated about the risks associated with porn and how it can lead you down this dark path.
In terms of coping I threw myself into understanding porn addiction, as there it lots of information available and research is rapidly growing. Sites which you may find informative is 'fight the new drug', 'your brain on porn', Paula Hall, a UK therapist has written books about sex addiction and delievered a ted talk, there is also a great 3 piece video by fight the new drug 'brain, heart, world'. Also lots of various ted talks and podcasts available. As I said, research has already identified a link between legal porn addiction and how it can lead you down this horrible dark path.
Everyone is unique with their own background and story as to how they got here. I would not be supporting my partner if they weren't remorseful and thought this was all okay. The fact that research is rapidly growing, on top of long, lenthy, uncomfortable but honest conversations with my partner has kept me by their side and remained open minded. Like all on this site, nobody condones the behaviour of their loved ones, but they are willing to try and understand how it happened. We will never fully understand, well I certainly wont as I don't have an addictive personality, I have a different brain set up and never been into porn or been influenced by the sex industry. However what I can understand is addiction, the science of the brain and research regarding porn addiction and over all mental health.
In terms of wellbeing, I did lots of walking and still do. Maybe create yourself a wellbeing plan, setting small achieveable goals as simple as a 10 min walk, reading a few pages from a book etc. Luckily I am sure your little one is a great distraction so maybe set small weekly goals with him, such as going out to the park or completing an activity. Make sure you get some form of exercise as its so important. Also at the end of the day write down 3 positives, as trivial as they may sound. There will always be a positive from your day, you just have to search hard enough as they may be hidden. This will help to keep your brain focussed, as its very easy for the brain to be manipulated.
I hope this information is useful for you, and like I said you are not alone. I will leave you with a positive quote...
"It takes nothing to join the crowd, it takes everything to stand alone".
This really resonated with me as it is very easy to follow and agree with society and buckle to peer pressure when you feel so alone, especially around such an understable controversial topic. However only you know your partner and only you know what is right for you. With all the information I have about porn addiction and my partner, I feel confident with my decision despite how hard it is to stand up when you have oposing views. There are to many people in this situation for me to dismiss it, along with the rapidly growing research. Also I feel confident in my opinion that I do not condone the behaviour at all.
Anyway take care of youself and your little one and like me, I am sure you will find this forum supportive.
Hi confused,
sorry to hear you have also joined this club, but glad you have found this forum where you can share thoughts and feelings and ask advice if needed. The ladies and a few guys are amazing and understand what you are going through. Our partners/husbands have brought us to this place in life and remember none of this is your fault. D you have done nothing wrong!
When the knock came my baby was 5 months so I do understand how you are feeling around having a new baby and the thoughts around your partner. I'm sure you are an amazing mummy and bubba just loves being with you. Like everyone you will have good days and bad but you will get through it because your a mum whether that's with or without him you can decide at a later date what works best for you.
As others have said take it day by day don't make any decisions use the help line as needed. I am still here with partner but not sure if it is long term some days staying doesn't seem like a very attractive option. I'm utterly fed up of this limbo we are 7 months down and who knows how much longer! It's my children that are keeping me going! Sending huge virtual hugs x
sorry to hear you have also joined this club, but glad you have found this forum where you can share thoughts and feelings and ask advice if needed. The ladies and a few guys are amazing and understand what you are going through. Our partners/husbands have brought us to this place in life and remember none of this is your fault. D you have done nothing wrong!
When the knock came my baby was 5 months so I do understand how you are feeling around having a new baby and the thoughts around your partner. I'm sure you are an amazing mummy and bubba just loves being with you. Like everyone you will have good days and bad but you will get through it because your a mum whether that's with or without him you can decide at a later date what works best for you.
As others have said take it day by day don't make any decisions use the help line as needed. I am still here with partner but not sure if it is long term some days staying doesn't seem like a very attractive option. I'm utterly fed up of this limbo we are 7 months down and who knows how much longer! It's my children that are keeping me going! Sending huge virtual hugs x
Hi confused - So sorry you are in this situation but there is great support here. You do need to have support yourself - especially with the demands of a young one to look after. OUr knock came at end of November - and I've been with my husband for 40yrs+ - I too could not believe he could be guilty of downloading IIOC - but I've learned a lot from watching videos, reading books and articles on the dangers of internet porn - freely available and easy to access nowadays and terribly compulsive and addictive behaviour. I have also chosen to stay with my partner (took me a couple days of working through numbness and anger to come to that conclusion, mind) and I also don't condone what he has done. But this grave error is NOT all that he is. Before this last three years of accessing child pornography online, he has endeavoured to be a kind, moral and patient man and, if and when he can forgive himself, he can find that man again. I have faith. But it IS a roller coaster. We haven't told everybody - but have told the family and a few selected friends who (we hope) can be discreet. They have all been tremendously supportive - and this has been a godsend.
- Confused.com - what a great and informative reply and I endorse everything you've said.
- Confused.com - what a great and informative reply and I endorse everything you've said.
Tutleymutley I'm not too sure how all this works but you seem so wise about this. I too have been with my husband for 40+ years and am desperately struggling with this. We have been waiting for two and a half years and we're finally going to court in 2 weeks and I'm terrified of everything. He's done the Lucy faithfull course so we hope that will help. I've sort of coped with the waiting but when I saw the charges written down I plunged into a terrible depression really. It looks awful written down and I'm struggling to understand how he could have looked at such dreadful things. Very low today.