Family and Friends Forum

Please dont blame yourself- he is a grown man and knew what he was doing. We are all in the same boat unfortunately. Do you have any children? If you do and they are over 18 it will make your life easier as SS wont be involved. A lot of women on here are having to deal with their persons offence and deal with SS.

You need to take time to comprehend what has happened, don't rush into anything and let initial upset phase pass. I'm sure there are plenty of women on here who can provide you with help on what to do. My OH committed his offence in August 2023 and had no idea forums like this existed. Its helped me a lot recently x

Hi.
sorry that you find yourself here. We are all here for you.

This is not your fault at all. It is a lot to process and it will take a while but I promise one day you will wake up and find you are used to your new normal. I know when people said that to me I didn't believe them but it is true. You learn to hold your head high and keep going

My hubby was arrested March last year and was sentenced (non custodial) earlier this month.

sending all my love

Hi Kate,

You are indeed not alone.

My (ex)OH was also live streamed all over social media and the consequences are indeed devasting. The first few weeks are horrendous, so reach out here as much as you can, just to get through. I often felt like I wouldn't make it through, and if it wasn't for my children, I may not have.

It took weeks and weeks before we properly spoke, becuase he knew he had lost everything. We are seeing what we can rebuild. But with such an uncertain future it is hard.

The helpline, GPs have helped many here. Did the police give you any support leaflets?

xx

I'm almost exactly 12 months down the line and we have plea hearing in 2 weeks, sentencing ~6 weeks later.
I can tell you know, even though I'm currently an absolute nervous wreck, I've regained an awful lot of normality and sense of self over the last 12 months, and my husband has also faced his inner defects and engaged with: StopSO therapy on a weekly basis; SAA meetings (its call sex addicts anonymous but they're almost all porn addicts); safer lives course; Paula Hall's course and resources.
He was a broken man at arrest, and honestly didn't see he had anything to live for. He didn't want to live without porn - that was such a profoundly shocking revelation to me.
He's now a very different man to the one I married. He's lost his twinkly cheeky demeanour and is less manipulative and controlling. He's been porn free for 353 days.
im not reconciling with him, as our marriage was built on sand, but I only made that decision on Tuesday when I had further disclosure which shocked me to my core.

he's going to try his hardest to be a decent reliable dad to the two kids, when he visits 4x a week under my supervision.

I've had weekly / fortnightly psychotherapy through work health insurance, and done the Inform course through LFF.

What I'm saying is - you're right at the start of a very unpredictable and very stigmatising journey. You will be a different person in 12 months and hopefully so will he.
sending the best hugs xx

hiya,

As far as I am aware, he contacts the LFF helpline - Helpline - Stop It Now (the lucy faithful helpline) each week. He says there is often a long wait (tells us how much of an epidemic this is becoming!) but he does say they are useful. I have yet to contact them, but i know many here have, and have done the family inform courses. i'm just not ready for that yet.

I have kept a distance from his rehabilitation - and the court process. Focussing on supporting him as much as possible to be the dad he can be to our children.

For myself, this forum has been an abosolute lifesaver. I don't know how many times i have thought 'i could have written this', 'this is just like how i feel', 'why are so many partners and parents arriving here week after week after week'.

i hope today has let you breathe a little xx

Hi Kate, I'm sorry youre here, but you've come to the right place for support, empathy and sympathy. You are not alone and what has happened is absolutely NOT your fault. I think searching for reasons, including questioning our own involvement, is quite normal, as we're in a state of shock and disbelief. Its a traumatic experience to be going through and we just want to know why it's happened.

As soon as it happened to me, I hit research mode, to try and understand more, as I couldn't believe the man I loved and married could do such a thing. Its my way of dealing with negative events. I've also done the Inform course which covers so much, including the factors that contribute to committing these offenses. Something that was constantly reiterated was that none of it is our (partners, spouses, mums, dads, siblings, friends) fault that our person has done this. They made a choice without thinking about the primary victims (the children) and the secondary victims (us).

It must be so hard that your partner doesn't want to talk to you. I can imagine it just leaves you with so many questions that spiral out of control. Hopefully many of us on this forum can help answer some of them, and help reassure you that youre not alone. And if you start getting those feelings of wondering if this is somehow your fault, stop, and tell yourself IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

In the first week I couldn't eat or sleep either. I could eat normally after a week or so, and sleep comes and goes. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and hopefully they'll be back on track for you soon xx

Just because your partner doesn't want to talk about things now doesn't mean he won’t in the future, the period immediately after the knock is a stressful time for everyone.

My partner clammed up and wouldn't speak to me about this allegation or his previous offence for the first month and to be honest I was more upset and annoyed by him not talking to me about it that actually finding out the stuff about his past.

You are NOT to blame. He is responsible for his actions. You are at the very beginning of what will inevitably be a very long journey. He can get counselling via the Stop SO site. You can do the Lucy Faithful "inform" course which is online, once a week for people in your situation and will go through all the questions you no doubt have. I'm for all you're dealing with and that you find yourself here. Look after YOU. X

Glad to read that everyone's responses have helped a little, and that you've managed to eat some breakfast.

You couldn't have seen the signs. Apparently this started for my husband just before Christmas last year. Over Christmas he was a bit snappy, which is unlike him, but I just put it down to being tired. There's no way I would have thought it was because he was doing something illegal, looking at things on the Internet that shouldn't exist, and had a porn addiction. They're not things you think your person is capable of. Plus, most of these offenders are very good at hiding what they're doing. They're sneaky and manipulative, even if they don't realise they are. Try not to think you had anything to do with this. You didn't. Xx

I have been were you are now. It happens last October. I didn't hear from my person for 2 weeks then received an email from him trying to explain it all. After the email we meet and it was so hard. In January he reaches out to Lucy Faithfully Foundation and has now done the informed plus course and I've done the informed course. You can also contact them for advise and have someone to talk too.

At the end of February started to think we could work through this. It's had its ups and down but I also have kids.

Don't think this is your fault, there is also no signs all of his friends kept going round their heads thinking they should have seen noticed something. My person said if he couldn't see what was happening himself how was anyone else.

Massive hugs to you

You will get through this