Can't stop thinking about it all
Notifications OFF
Less than a fortnight since 'the knock' and seeing it on Facebook.
No communication from him, nothing but a 'move on' via his sister. 10 years together.
Genuinely don't know what to do it and how to deal with all this.
Was it me, was l not enough? He had everything and threw it all away.
No communication from him, nothing but a 'move on' via his sister. 10 years together.
Genuinely don't know what to do it and how to deal with all this.
Was it me, was l not enough? He had everything and threw it all away.
Hi, maybe repost this under "discussion " as more may see it.
His sister's comment is flippant, unsupportive and ludicrous. How can anyone spend 10 years (30 for me) and simply move on. Her comment shows to me that she's not dealing with what he's done. You should be able to support each other.
You can't think that you weren't enough. It doesn't serve you any good purpose. We cannot compete with the stuff they've been doing. They made a choice to do it and break the law. There was a whole thought process that went on before they did it.
You're at the very start of what will no doubt be a very long drawn out process. LF run a course called "inform". It's once a week online and goes into all aspects of this including sentencing, the potential reason why, and the legal process. You might find it useful. You can ask to be put on the course by emailing, doing a live chat or phoning. I wish you all the best. X
His sister's comment is flippant, unsupportive and ludicrous. How can anyone spend 10 years (30 for me) and simply move on. Her comment shows to me that she's not dealing with what he's done. You should be able to support each other.
You can't think that you weren't enough. It doesn't serve you any good purpose. We cannot compete with the stuff they've been doing. They made a choice to do it and break the law. There was a whole thought process that went on before they did it.
You're at the very start of what will no doubt be a very long drawn out process. LF run a course called "inform". It's once a week online and goes into all aspects of this including sentencing, the potential reason why, and the legal process. You might find it useful. You can ask to be put on the course by emailing, doing a live chat or phoning. I wish you all the best. X
Thanks LittleRobin3 appreciate your reply x
To clarify, the 'move on' comment was from him via his sister.
To clarify, the 'move on' comment was from him via his sister.
Apologies, I mis read. Hmmmmn, coming from him is even worse. X
It wasn't you please don't think that. It's all on them. I've been in therapy since this has happened and it took me a while to accept it wasn't me , wasn't anything I missed , wasn't anything I did or didn't do. This is their behaviour.
He may have said that because he can't face you. He could be going into depression.
I did the informed course and found it helpful as an insight and also to talk to other in this awful situation.
I do advise to get some therapy if you can. I managed to do that through my work. At one I also phone ld the helpline
Also best thing I did , stay away from Facebook or the video the vigilant posted
Sending hugs
He may have said that because he can't face you. He could be going into depression.
I did the informed course and found it helpful as an insight and also to talk to other in this awful situation.
I do advise to get some therapy if you can. I managed to do that through my work. At one I also phone ld the helpline
Also best thing I did , stay away from Facebook or the video the vigilant posted
Sending hugs
Hello Katie. I'm so sorry for you being here. The place where none of us ever dreamt we'd be. You will be in a total state of shock but I just wanted to say no it is absolutely not you. The reasons for your partner doing this are complicated but non of it is your fault. I can really recommend the Lff Inform course. It explains a lot about why some men do this and for myself it really helped me understand. I believe there's a bit of a waiting list so if you can call the helpline ( I would recommend that too) they can put you on the list.
it's a long long process so for now I'd just say look after yourself and take the time to process and get the help you need. Xx
it's a long long process so for now I'd just say look after yourself and take the time to process and get the help you need. Xx
Thanks ladies.
I think him saying 'move on' is a mix of utter shame, confusion and depression. I can only hope he comes round in time as l want answers and closure.
You're right about avoiding 'the video' and those fb pages. That's been driving me mad, checking them to see if there's anything new.
I've written him a letter, it was quite cathartic. It's not an angry one. Just that I'm here to talk when he wants to. Do I send it though?? That's the next dilemma.
I think him saying 'move on' is a mix of utter shame, confusion and depression. I can only hope he comes round in time as l want answers and closure.
You're right about avoiding 'the video' and those fb pages. That's been driving me mad, checking them to see if there's anything new.
I've written him a letter, it was quite cathartic. It's not an angry one. Just that I'm here to talk when he wants to. Do I send it though?? That's the next dilemma.
Please don't think this was your fault. It absolutely was not. As for his comment via the sister, do you know he actually said it?
@WorriedAndConfused Yes, I think he probably did. A mixture of shame and not wanting to face me.
I feel sick at the thought of another day of this.
I feel sick at the thought of another day of this.
Hi Kate, from the knowledge and understanding I've gained about these offences, the offenders don't seem to think about the consequences of their actions at first. After the event, yes, but often they're already too pulled in and can't help but do it again, regardless. Its nothing to do with us not being enough. We're seperate from this side of our partners.
I think you're searching for reasons why your partner has done what he's done, and as he won't talk to you you're going back to thinking that its your fault. You don't know any other reason as he's not explained anything, and that's so unfair. He owes you an explanation, but you can't make people talk when they don't want to. I can see how and why my husband has offended, but that's through research and talking to him. That knowledge has helped me to not blame myself. His choices were his choices, to satisfy his needs. I wasn't ever going to fulfill those needs, and its possibly the same with your partner. I believe that my husbands unhealthy porn habit/addiction changed his brain chemistry so much, mixed with his lack of confidence and inability to open up or deal with his emotions, meant that no partner would meet his needs. And that's not my fault, its his.
I really hope you get some answers. Send that letter. Xx
I think you're searching for reasons why your partner has done what he's done, and as he won't talk to you you're going back to thinking that its your fault. You don't know any other reason as he's not explained anything, and that's so unfair. He owes you an explanation, but you can't make people talk when they don't want to. I can see how and why my husband has offended, but that's through research and talking to him. That knowledge has helped me to not blame myself. His choices were his choices, to satisfy his needs. I wasn't ever going to fulfill those needs, and its possibly the same with your partner. I believe that my husbands unhealthy porn habit/addiction changed his brain chemistry so much, mixed with his lack of confidence and inability to open up or deal with his emotions, meant that no partner would meet his needs. And that's not my fault, its his.
I really hope you get some answers. Send that letter. Xx
Thank you @poppet
I don't know whether to just forget him (how?!) and not even bother with the letter. He clearly couldn't care less how I'm feeling. X
I don't know whether to just forget him (how?!) and not even bother with the letter. He clearly couldn't care less how I'm feeling. X
He probably does care, he could be so wrapped up in his own shame, fear, guilt and worry that he thinks the best thing for you is for him to just disappear. I'd still send the letter, then at least you know that you've said what you need to say. Xx
Thank you @Poppet sorry, its been a really bad day today.