TW - rape by deception - law
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Hi, I'm giving a trigger warning (rape) because this is difficult territory.
I was with my ex for 30 years when he was arrested for IIOC. He told me the day after the arrest that he'd had sexual feelings towards children since the age of 12/13. So I spent 3 decades with someone I didn't know. It's incredibly hard to come to terms with. I started thinking about sex and consent. I could not consent to having sex with him because I didn't know what he was. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been in a relationship with him, wouldn't have married him, wouldn't have had sex with him and wouldn't have had children with him. Is this therefore rape and could it be prosecuted under the law? I'm not saying I would try to get him prosecuted for this but I'm curious. It's a huge issue for me. Thanks.
I was with my ex for 30 years when he was arrested for IIOC. He told me the day after the arrest that he'd had sexual feelings towards children since the age of 12/13. So I spent 3 decades with someone I didn't know. It's incredibly hard to come to terms with. I started thinking about sex and consent. I could not consent to having sex with him because I didn't know what he was. If I'd known, I wouldn't have been in a relationship with him, wouldn't have married him, wouldn't have had sex with him and wouldn't have had children with him. Is this therefore rape and could it be prosecuted under the law? I'm not saying I would try to get him prosecuted for this but I'm curious. It's a huge issue for me. Thanks.
This is not considered rape. Regardless of if you found out after the fact. I understand where you are coming from and you feel completely betrayed and yes this does come under a betrayal of trust (same as cheating is considered betrayal of trust) however to consider it rape (as someone who has had this happen) it's an odd way of thinking. I'm sorry you feel so betrayed as to all of us on here and can only hope that one day you find peace. Hugs
Robin I've thought about this a lot. I've read that the trauma of partners in our situation is akin to rape trauma, but i agree with previous commenter that it isn't rape.
I don't know whether my husband is a 'P word' although there is evidence he has some very f***ed up fetishes.
But I do completely empathise with that feeling - I allowed intimacy 'under false pretences'. I absolutely feel violated and deceived by that, totally separate from the violation of the marriage vows etc.
It was exactly as you say - I wouldn't have allowed him to touch me like that if I'd known he was obsessively messaging other adults and some underage girls about sexual fetishes etc. It was sex obtained by deceit. I think the closest parallel is those poor women who were tricked into marrying undercover police, having entire long relationships and even families with them.
I don't know whether my husband is a 'P word' although there is evidence he has some very f***ed up fetishes.
But I do completely empathise with that feeling - I allowed intimacy 'under false pretences'. I absolutely feel violated and deceived by that, totally separate from the violation of the marriage vows etc.
It was exactly as you say - I wouldn't have allowed him to touch me like that if I'd known he was obsessively messaging other adults and some underage girls about sexual fetishes etc. It was sex obtained by deceit. I think the closest parallel is those poor women who were tricked into marrying undercover police, having entire long relationships and even families with them.
Dragonmama
I too have been raped in the conventional sense.
This is way worse for me. He married me to cover up what he was. He knew what he was right from the start. The entire thing was a deception. The difference with my person is that he absolutely is a P. I know that because he told me the day after the arrest and his offending confirms it. I'm sorry you find my feelings on the matter odd. It's not odd to me.
I too have been raped in the conventional sense.
This is way worse for me. He married me to cover up what he was. He knew what he was right from the start. The entire thing was a deception. The difference with my person is that he absolutely is a P. I know that because he told me the day after the arrest and his offending confirms it. I'm sorry you find my feelings on the matter odd. It's not odd to me.
I didn't mean for you to take offence by me saying it was odd.
I only meant that being involuntary violated is not to me akin to having consensual relations even under false pretence.
I know you feel extremely violated and I would too. Again I hope that some day you find peace. Don't let any man determine who you are or what you will become. You're a phoenix remember that and rise xx
I only meant that being involuntary violated is not to me akin to having consensual relations even under false pretence.
I know you feel extremely violated and I would too. Again I hope that some day you find peace. Don't let any man determine who you are or what you will become. You're a phoenix remember that and rise xx
I get your feeling betrayed and violated and that is fair.
But as someone who's actually been raped as a child this is very unusual way of thinking.
You consented at the time and was in a relationship with this person.
I am sorry they lied to you and had you had you have known your saying you wouldn't have ever slept with them or got with them but Unfortunately you cant change that its a horrible fact that he wasnt honest with you but it wouldn't be considered rape.
But as someone who's actually been raped as a child this is very unusual way of thinking.
You consented at the time and was in a relationship with this person.
I am sorry they lied to you and had you had you have known your saying you wouldn't have ever slept with them or got with them but Unfortunately you cant change that its a horrible fact that he wasnt honest with you but it wouldn't be considered rape.