Family and Friends Forum

Hi, I think people's individual circumstances dictate how, when and if you tell family

I personally chose to tell family very early on. I really struggled with anxiety throughout and keeping a secret as big as that would have pushed me over the edge. My mum is elderly and telling her was really hard but I knew I wouldn't be able to remain in close contact with her and not tell her. I made it clear to each family member that my love for him was unconditional and that I would be supporting him throughout his journey. I explained what I knew at the time and what he'd told me had led to him doing what he did.

Telling family and friends is a huge decision and one that needs a lot of thought. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Help x

It's such a difficult conversation however once you open up it becomes a little less weight on your shoulders

This is entirely up to you what and when you disclose

Everyone will have their own opinions and that is exactly that

It is totally your decision on who and what to share xx

So far only our adult kids are aware.
I'm finding it more and more difficult to NOT disclose - parties we can't go to, family gatherings we cant attend, overnight trips with friends, and I'm lying through my teeth with excuses as to why we cant.

Only today my hairdresser said what a nice man my husband is..... if only she knew the truth huh!!

Hi,

I've not disclosed to anyone yet, 7 months in. The lying or in my case the avoidance is agony, I'm living a very isolated existence these days. Although oddly I'm not lonely because my husband and I are closer than ever.
The Inform course gave good advice on how to approach disclosing. They suggested rehearing what you will say. They said not to give details at all, even if they press you, and to rehearse how you will respond when loved ones ask what did he do exactly? They said to give prior warning that you want to share something that is very difficult. And they said give the person time and space to process... that we've all had months to get our heads around it (even though we haven't) but your person will need the same.

I will have to take on this advice myself of course at some point, but for now I'm just pushing it all away.



xx

I've not told my parents any details, but I've told them my husband has been arrested and its likely it will go to court. And I only said that because my dad was pressing me a little and asking if I've tried to make things work after I told them we may be seperating. If I tell them the full truth, it'll only be if we do seperate fully. And I'll take on board the advice learned from the Inform course. I'll also start by explaining some of what I've learned from all this, along with that my husband isn't a bad person, he's just made some very bad choices, he has a problem he didn't realise was a problem till it led him down the rabbit hole and became too late, and ask them to listen to me properly before judging. And if they react badly, I'll have to respect that they are entitled to their feelings. I'm really lucky that the few of my closest friends that know are really supportive. I'm so sorry to those of you who haven't had that. I don't know how I'd be coping if I hadn't have been able to tell some people.

Help - I am supporting my OH so yes - we are still together - at the moment. More evidence has come to light and now it's with CPS. I've told him I can't promise a future together and he understands but circumstances at the moment mean we are stronger together xx

St Jude I wish I'd known the disclosure advise beforehand. I fear in my attempt to 'explain' I've made things a lot worse. There are those that listen and accept, those that listen and see the crime not the person and those who have simply made their mind up already. By trying to explain I've created more issues for myself and ultimately may have lost people very close to me along the way. I think back to some conversations and I don't even know why I said some of the things I did, but in a highly emotionally charged conversation, you can say things without thinking about what you're actually saying. In my desperate attempts to explain, I've poured oil on a fire in some circumstances. I can't beat myself up about it though, I've only done my best in a horrifying predicament. Xxx

I remember making that difficult decision on whether to tell, how much to disclose and at what stage. I had never engaged fully with the forum at the time so thinking back I navigated the early days after the knock totally isolated and not knowing anyone who had experienced this situation. I would start my conversations with "I have something to tell you about xxxxx but for my sake please don't judge at this stage". I think you have to weigh up the people/person you are telling but one thing I would advise is to tell peoole individually and not as a group, that way you are only answering one persons questions and are not being bombarded and overwhelmed with others interrogating you, also the opportunity for one person to influence others at the time of your disclosure has gone, what happens afterwards maybe different. People will gossip between themselves its human nature but peoole will also be influenced by your own attitude to what has happened. Adult children may have the most difficulty digesting the news that their parent who they idolise can commit such an awful offence, in my situation our son was our priority and I chose to tell him quite early on in the process, I was totally beside myself with anxiety at the time but I pointed out how much he loved and respected his Dad and that what he had been accused of did not define him, he is still the same Dad that he has known all of his life and he needed us to be there for him whilst going through the process. I knew our case would be published in the press and I was so grateful that I got the opportunity to tell people in my own words and not through the eyes of a desperate reporter who needed a story to sell. I never went into full details with anyone other than our son and one of my sisters, everyone else I explained he had been found to have illegal images on his phone that should not be there and it had to be investigated. We are so fortunate that we have the family and friends (he lost all of his friends though) around us and other than my own brother our family life today is as it was pre-knock. My other concern was my work colleagues, I was grateful that this was taken away from me, a senior manager literally called a meeting with all 60 of my work family and did not go into any detail on my behalf but asked for support to myself and to emphasize that I had done nothing wrong, she also instructed everyone that any gossiping or prejudice would not be tolerated and would be subject to discipline procedures if it happened, when I eventually returned to work I was overwhelmed by the love and support I got, there was only one exception who ended up leaving but every single member of our team hugged me on my return and told me everything would be okay, Neighbours just ignore us, I did contemplate telling them but chose not to, we were never that close to anyone in our neighborhood so it didn't matter what their thoughts were. When you do eventually tell peoole just remember that "those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter".

Best wishes

Katie xxx

It is a very tricky decision to make, can be like opening a hornets nest.

i have to keep secrets and yes it's a heavy burdon to carry but i had and have no choice in my circumstances.

ive told people and then lost them which is very painful. Then some - decided to come clean and even with the media circus they didn't know (and I wished I'd never said anything).

Certainly not easy xxxxx

Help did you tell your brother, if so he may be able to offer you some support when you have to tell your flower girls parents? You have been placed in a dreadful situation and that needs to be made clear to this little ones parents. Has your OH been charged yet because that will make a massive difference to what you have to disclose and what relationship are the parents to yourself and your OH? Your wedding day should be the happiest day of your life, I am so sorry that you have the added pressure of disclosure at a time that should be the happiest time of your life. I have sent a private message to you.
Katie xxx

Help, take a deep breath and try again tomorrow. Having to tell the people you love is a massive thing to do and if it takes you several attempts that's fine. I think I started with.....'something awful has happened'.

I do wonder whether the thought of telling people gets harder the longer it's left. I like Katy hadn't even engaged with the forum when I told my close family members and had no idea that so many other people were going through exactly the same thing. With no experience or advice to call upon I literally just blurted out what had happened without even considering whether there would be judgement or condemnation.

I really hope you soon feel able to do what you need to do, as not being able to tell the people you want to tell seems to be adding to your anxiety.

I told no one except a friend for 10 months. Then he went to jail. He told me if I told his mother then it was all over and he wouldn't forgive me. He expected me to lie to his family where he was whilst he served his sentence!!

Needless to say I told my family and his once he had gone to jail - but not before I told him our marriage was over.

I am done with lying and will now tell anyone what has happened. I've done nothing wrong and hate keeping secrets.

Only person I didn't tell my mum as she was in a care home, very frail and wouldn't of understood or have been able to help me. She died whilst he was in prison.