Don’t know what to do with myself
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I've been unable to settle today. It's a familiar feeling since everything went to sh1t 362 days ago, but the dread about Thursday's plea hearing is really weighing me down today.
I feel like my insides are full of boiling water. Sort of burning scalding feeling. It'll be the anniversary of the knock on Wednesday, then court on Thursday.
Today He went on a 61 mile bike ride with his cycling club and is off to his SAA meeting shortly. I've just done childcare, cooking, shopping, and fretting.
Tomorrow i have to work around an inset day for my youngest, and He didn't even know it was an inset day. His life has been this indulgent project of self discovery since the knock and I've lost all my freedom.
I have been neglecting doing something that's proven to keep me level ish, and feel less murderous - a gnarly strength workout upon waking. That's what I'm going to do for myself tomorrow, because no one else will put me first. He never bloody did
I feel like my insides are full of boiling water. Sort of burning scalding feeling. It'll be the anniversary of the knock on Wednesday, then court on Thursday.
Today He went on a 61 mile bike ride with his cycling club and is off to his SAA meeting shortly. I've just done childcare, cooking, shopping, and fretting.
Tomorrow i have to work around an inset day for my youngest, and He didn't even know it was an inset day. His life has been this indulgent project of self discovery since the knock and I've lost all my freedom.
I have been neglecting doing something that's proven to keep me level ish, and feel less murderous - a gnarly strength workout upon waking. That's what I'm going to do for myself tomorrow, because no one else will put me first. He never bloody did
Hi Lisa, the days leading up to court are awful so I really feel for you. Magistrates court is very quick, I think my son was in and out in about 20 minutes. I know they've brought it all on themselves but my son was truly devestated at what he'd done and as hard as the court appearances were for me, it was far, far worse for him.
I'll be thinking of you this week and sending you strength and a hand to hold.
I'll be thinking of you this week and sending you strength and a hand to hold.
Ocean thank you, I know he's going through a worse time than me but it's still galling. I've done 50 mins on the treadmill this morning and do feel better for it. I spend so much of my time thinking of and dealing with other people's needs - even the cats! - it's so important to prioritise myself once a day.
Sorry I'm just going to say he is absolutely not going through a worse time than you, they get to do therapy, and have constant free time whilst we are left doing all the childcare, putting on a brave face, lying for what they've done, unable to work properly with not a single break 24 hours a day all for a crime that we did not commit, did not consent to someone bringing into our lives. He doesnt have it worse than you, he chose to commit the crime in full knowledge of the consequences for you and him and your children and did it anyway. It's all well and good being devastated after the fact, but they weren't devastated when they were doing it and risking your whole life too, only devestated when they get caught..... Is my opinion....
Lrf I'm in complete agreement. Ocean is a lovely compassionate mum and I always appreciate her comments / insight but as the partner I need validation for my rage! Sorry Ocean ;-* (analogue kiss face!)
I'm so grateful for work today as it's really involved and all-consuming, and my youngest has a friend to practise gymnastics with this morning which is a relief.
I'm so grateful for work today as it's really involved and all-consuming, and my youngest has a friend to practise gymnastics with this morning which is a relief.
You totally deserve to feel the rage and everything in between, just don't forget that something has been done to you, and it's madenning that we face punishment for something we havent done and also I do feel that the women are forgotten victims of this crime everyone's supporting the perpetrator whilst we are left to pick up the pieces with no support. Sending love and strength.
Lrf how far through the process are you? X
I totally empathise. I cannot comprehend what my husband has done, not just one off but for decades. For him it wasn't images it was all chats and watching extreme adult porn, and the chat became ABOUT appalling fantasies and then he started chatting TO underage girls.
I feel I need to recite to myself how awful has actions are, or it starts to sort of lose its impact and I forget what he's done, because he's sweet and funny and remorseful. But the marriage is over. We're getting along well for the kids but we don't (and never will again) live together.
I feel I need to recite to myself how awful has actions are, or it starts to sort of lose its impact and I forget what he's done, because he's sweet and funny and remorseful. But the marriage is over. We're getting along well for the kids but we don't (and never will again) live together.
I'm sorry if my comment left you feeling I was downplaying the awful situation you've found yourself in, as that really wasn't my intention. I was referring to the court hearing and tried (but failed) to make the point that he won't be able to escape the pain and enormity of the situation when he stands in court.
I know only to well the impact the offending behaviour has on others and the complete lifestyle change this results in and I really appreciate your need to rage at the unjustness of the situation you've found yourself in.
I know only to well the impact the offending behaviour has on others and the complete lifestyle change this results in and I really appreciate your need to rage at the unjustness of the situation you've found yourself in.
Please don't worry Ocean - I know you weren't intending to undermine my pain or anything - you're always a voice of sanity and kindness. Lots of love x
I could written this post myself. My ex has a well paid job and is living with his parents so he has absolutely no money worries. Even after giving me a tiny amount for child maintenance he has more money a month than me. He's doing marathon training, going to premier league football matches, volunteering at lots of sporting events and basically has the single live he always craved. He spends his money on expensive bikes, motorbikes and holidays. His job is paid twice as much as me but he hardly doing anything because of mental health issues and takes time off when he wants, while I'm juggling childcare. We are divorcing and he is demanding half the house even though I have the kids full time and wants it to be split 'fairly' so that it's fair on both of us. Nothing in this situation is fair on me or the kids.
Now wants to be super dad and is criticising my parenting skills, saying that he doesn't want our kids to go through what he did. I have to remind him that I'm not like his mum! He keeps asking to get more access to the kids but I don't trust him, he keeps telling me he has changed but then goes and spends loads of money on things to make him feel better (which is one of the things he used to do) so hasn't changed.
sorry than ended up being a bit of a rant!
Now wants to be super dad and is criticising my parenting skills, saying that he doesn't want our kids to go through what he did. I have to remind him that I'm not like his mum! He keeps asking to get more access to the kids but I don't trust him, he keeps telling me he has changed but then goes and spends loads of money on things to make him feel better (which is one of the things he used to do) so hasn't changed.
sorry than ended up being a bit of a rant!
Mate, rant away. It's galling. I used to be a long distance runner and now I'm lucky if I get 4 miles in around the kids. I've put on 2 stone in 9 months thanks to antidepressants. I feel so utterly 'unlike myself' in so many ways. But i'm stronger than I ever was before the knock when he was controlling, secretive, gaslighting, undermining, criticising constantly...