Not supporting my husband
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It's been almost 5 months now since the police turned up at my door to arrest my husband. I was shocked to the core to find out the man who was loving and kind husband, devoted dad and who cared and looked after us so much had been communicating with other adults about wanting to hurt one of our children and accessing indecent images of children. As soon as the police confirmed he confessed I decided there and then he would never see the children again and I would get him stripped of his parental responsibilities for their protection. I told the police to let him know I'd never speak to him again. He had everything, a good job, a wonderful family, a lovely home and he chose to destroy it.
Less than 24 hours after he was released from the police station he killed himself and I'm glad he did. Whilst we have no evidence he directly hurt any children, his actions are complicit with those who did and that makes him just as guilty to me. Children are harmed by these actions and I will never get over that. To me he was selfish and choose himself over his family and protecting innocent children and I will never ever forgive him for leaving me to deal with this for the rest of my life, when I gave him everything.
I remain hopeful that my life can continue and I will get a happily ever after because I'm not going to let him ruin anymore lives.
To anyone else who can't support someone they loved, you are not alone.
Less than 24 hours after he was released from the police station he killed himself and I'm glad he did. Whilst we have no evidence he directly hurt any children, his actions are complicit with those who did and that makes him just as guilty to me. Children are harmed by these actions and I will never get over that. To me he was selfish and choose himself over his family and protecting innocent children and I will never ever forgive him for leaving me to deal with this for the rest of my life, when I gave him everything.
I remain hopeful that my life can continue and I will get a happily ever after because I'm not going to let him ruin anymore lives.
To anyone else who can't support someone they loved, you are not alone.
This was a hard read I'm so sorry. Sorry that you are left to pickup the pieces. Sorry that you have to deal with this for a long time. But you have every right to feel the way you do and every right to never forgive him. What he admitted to is extremely serious and the fact that he took his life instead of facing his punishment and at least try and rehabilitate shows he must of been dealing with this addiction/sickness for a long time
Its time to focus on you and your children and have good people around you now more than ever I wish you the very best x
Its time to focus on you and your children and have good people around you now more than ever I wish you the very best x
My husband threatened to take his own life. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if he had. It made me consider taking my own life. That I can't forgive him for.
I'm nearly 3 years down the line and taking steps to finally end the marriage and move on. I saw him yesterday. I feel nothing for him. Our kids don't want anything to do with him. But what hurt the most is he never once asked about them. It's like they don't exist for him.
How can a father turn their back on their children. He cannot admit it is his fault. I won't write what I now think of him.
I'm nearly 3 years down the line and taking steps to finally end the marriage and move on. I saw him yesterday. I feel nothing for him. Our kids don't want anything to do with him. But what hurt the most is he never once asked about them. It's like they don't exist for him.
How can a father turn their back on their children. He cannot admit it is his fault. I won't write what I now think of him.
My husband tried to commit suicide the night after the knock and has threatened many times since since. It's all emotional blackmail with him, trying to make me feel guilty for not forgiving him and taking him back. After the knock, i learned more from the police than I did from him, he didn't tell me everything until at least 6 months later and even then i have no idea if he's told me everything and it's been 18 months since the knock. He's always telling me how upset he is and how bad his mental health is but he never talks about what he did. He says that I 'I don't care about him' or 'I'm only say things to hurt him' or 'I don't want him to get better' or 'if I loved him, I would forgive him'. He lays all the blame and guilt on me, I feel like shouting at him that if he loved me then he wouldn't have cheated on me with all those women online or put me in this position. It's always been all about him.
We are going through a divorce now, which again is all my fault and my decision. If I complain about lack of money all I get is 'well it your choice!'. He wants 50/50 split, when he earns twice as much as me and says that's only fair. Nothing in this situation is fair on me
My ex was a great husband and father but when I look back now, I can see that I was putting up with a lot too. He chose to do what he did, I know it was an addiction but that doesn't excuse it and doesn't mean that I have to forgive him (as he seems to think). He sees our sons once a month supervise but wants more and I can't face supervising any more. He wants to go on holiday - he does seem to understand what divorce means or what supervision means and how hard it is.
It seems that the partners are left to sort everything out and then we lose out through no fault of our own. I haven't made myself financially worse by choice, but it cannot forgive what he did and then put up with the emotional blackmail and blame.
We are going through a divorce now, which again is all my fault and my decision. If I complain about lack of money all I get is 'well it your choice!'. He wants 50/50 split, when he earns twice as much as me and says that's only fair. Nothing in this situation is fair on me
My ex was a great husband and father but when I look back now, I can see that I was putting up with a lot too. He chose to do what he did, I know it was an addiction but that doesn't excuse it and doesn't mean that I have to forgive him (as he seems to think). He sees our sons once a month supervise but wants more and I can't face supervising any more. He wants to go on holiday - he does seem to understand what divorce means or what supervision means and how hard it is.
It seems that the partners are left to sort everything out and then we lose out through no fault of our own. I haven't made myself financially worse by choice, but it cannot forgive what he did and then put up with the emotional blackmail and blame.
I want everyone to know none of this is our fault. We have to find ways to live through the horrific consequences of someone else's abhorrent decisions. But we can do it! You can be strong, reach out the the helpline, find the right people to lean on for support and advice. For me his death was a gift, it meant not having to go through additional suffering, within an already traumatic experience. I feel safe and I feel like my kids are safe.
Hi, firstly, I'm so sorry he's put you through this.
I've sat with what I've written for a while as I want to get my words right.
My then husband of 30 years was convicted of downloading and distributing IIOC. I supported him but we divorced early on. Myself and our children showed him so much compassion and behaved with true grace even though he put us through hell and I lost everything because of him including my physical and mental health, my friends and family and eventually my home. Despite this, 3 years ago he reoffended and blamed me. This has been devastating.
If my ex had been convicted of what your husband was accused of, harming one of our own children, even if it was just "chat", I would 100% have walked away. Aside from actually physically harming a child, this is almost as awful. Its truly shocking.
I know about suicide. My mum died by suicide when I was 5. Suicide is awful no matter what the circumstances. I really feel for you and your children. I wish you all the peace for your future. X
I've sat with what I've written for a while as I want to get my words right.
My then husband of 30 years was convicted of downloading and distributing IIOC. I supported him but we divorced early on. Myself and our children showed him so much compassion and behaved with true grace even though he put us through hell and I lost everything because of him including my physical and mental health, my friends and family and eventually my home. Despite this, 3 years ago he reoffended and blamed me. This has been devastating.
If my ex had been convicted of what your husband was accused of, harming one of our own children, even if it was just "chat", I would 100% have walked away. Aside from actually physically harming a child, this is almost as awful. Its truly shocking.
I know about suicide. My mum died by suicide when I was 5. Suicide is awful no matter what the circumstances. I really feel for you and your children. I wish you all the peace for your future. X
You are definitely not alone and I can tell you will make sure you and the kids have an amazing life going forward.
I agree alot of men choose these actions despite having everything. There really is nothing I think that would stop the actions of some of these men no matter how much we give give give. Mine accessed AI images and he believed it's OK because it's not real children which I totally disagree with, he was still fulfilling his needs breaking the law and ultimately massively impacted myself, child and wider family on both sides.
Having been impacted by suicide I do think it may be an unexpected roller coaster of emotions and might be worth checking out sobs for extra support.
I worried mine would try take his life initially which was my worry at the start opposed to the sickening acts. I still worry after sentencing he may find it an easy way out. Ultimately leaves us and the children with other unanswered questions and accountability.
You are an amazing mother, keep it up x
I agree alot of men choose these actions despite having everything. There really is nothing I think that would stop the actions of some of these men no matter how much we give give give. Mine accessed AI images and he believed it's OK because it's not real children which I totally disagree with, he was still fulfilling his needs breaking the law and ultimately massively impacted myself, child and wider family on both sides.
Having been impacted by suicide I do think it may be an unexpected roller coaster of emotions and might be worth checking out sobs for extra support.
I worried mine would try take his life initially which was my worry at the start opposed to the sickening acts. I still worry after sentencing he may find it an easy way out. Ultimately leaves us and the children with other unanswered questions and accountability.
You are an amazing mother, keep it up x
Florence, you've had an awful time, and I dont blame you one tiny bit for being glad your husband took his own life. I've had thoughts creep in that I've pushed away, that it would be an easy way out for my husband, and an easy way out for me. I feel terrible for thinking such horrid things, but trauma can make you do and think some nasty things. I hope you find peace and happiness going forward. You deserve it.
LDELost, your husband is being so unfair and manipulative. Now I've had a steep (unwanted) education in these types of crimes, I get so angry when people say its a sickness. My husband too said something about 'getting better'. I lost it. An illness is something you get better from. Illnesses are there from birth, developed or caught. Choosing to commit these vile offences are choices, not a sickness. They knew what they were doing, they just chose to ignore any potential consequences to satisfy their own warped needs.
LDELost, your husband is being so unfair and manipulative. Now I've had a steep (unwanted) education in these types of crimes, I get so angry when people say its a sickness. My husband too said something about 'getting better'. I lost it. An illness is something you get better from. Illnesses are there from birth, developed or caught. Choosing to commit these vile offences are choices, not a sickness. They knew what they were doing, they just chose to ignore any potential consequences to satisfy their own warped needs.
My ex is genuinely trying I think, but when he started going on about his "recovery" recently I completely lost it and told him to stop.
Sad&scared - my husband seems to be trying too, but when he came out with 'getting better' I lost it, much the same as you when your person mentioned 'recovery'. To me it shows how little they understand what they've done and the choices they've made to get to the position they're now in (and have brought us unwillingly into said position).
I'm in angry mode today, can you tell?!
I'm in angry mode today, can you tell?!
I'm kinda glad to read some of these comments that I'm not the only one to feel so sick at the actions of some of these men.
Sometimes I read so many downplaying the offences it makes me question myself been so angry and if I was over reacting (ex definitely downplayed it and blamed our lack of intimacy as main reason so I've always felt to blame despite it been a rediculous excuse).
It's a careful balance between supporting someone and enabling them. I feel some of his family/friend are enabling him, I would love to know what the lawyers and counsellors discuss! Yet if I acted like that would see social services swooping in and blamed as an unfit mother.
Mine cast me aside the moment his cover was blown and realised I would not ignore this. I had to report to police myself. I have minimum contact with him and with the additional way he treated my child after arrest have no plans to resume contact as its not in any interest for my son.
It' glad we can exrpress ourselves on here
Obs every single situation is unique so please don't take offence
Sometimes I read so many downplaying the offences it makes me question myself been so angry and if I was over reacting (ex definitely downplayed it and blamed our lack of intimacy as main reason so I've always felt to blame despite it been a rediculous excuse).
It's a careful balance between supporting someone and enabling them. I feel some of his family/friend are enabling him, I would love to know what the lawyers and counsellors discuss! Yet if I acted like that would see social services swooping in and blamed as an unfit mother.
Mine cast me aside the moment his cover was blown and realised I would not ignore this. I had to report to police myself. I have minimum contact with him and with the additional way he treated my child after arrest have no plans to resume contact as its not in any interest for my son.
It' glad we can exrpress ourselves on here
Obs every single situation is unique so please don't take offence
Poppet, I totally understand. I'm 'lucky' in that ex's offending has been on the 'lower' end of the scale (8 images in one deleted file from one date- I actually think he's being broadly honest in claiming this wasn't something he was actively seeking out over a period of time) and in that he is taking responsibility and seemingly doing the right things. For example he's said he considers himself lucky that I facilitate contact with the kids, hasn't pushed for more, has given me full disclosure with the police etc. But the police showing up has uncovered at least 13 years of online & offline infidelity, gross sex chat & also voyeurism against me. Even if he wasn't soliciting this stuff, I think you have to be in pretty shady places to come into contact with it. I actually still care about him in certain ways, am trying to forgive him the hurt to me specifically & hope he can sort himself out. But the anger & hurt & disgust is so fierce.
I also get uncomfortable with some of the conversation around mitigating factors. I know offenders need to identify and understand triggers to prevent reoffending, but ultimately everyone goes through tough times and experiences painful things - we are all pretty lonely or anxious or sad for periods of time.
I also get uncomfortable with some of the conversation around mitigating factors. I know offenders need to identify and understand triggers to prevent reoffending, but ultimately everyone goes through tough times and experiences painful things - we are all pretty lonely or anxious or sad for periods of time.