Family and Friends Forum

Hello Clarissa - another 'appalled by behaviour but still love my son' and much further down the track than you are, as we are over 2 years after arrest and only just been told that the police have sent their investigations to the CPS so we're on the road to the next step now.

I know you will want answers in black and white but the frustrating news is that there are so many factors going on which you have no control over and that can feel so mentally painful and exhausting.

Is your son with you now and his wife is somewhere with his children? Part of the pieces in this will be her own decisions which may change as she deals with her own reactions to what your son has done. For us, our son left the family home and stayed with us for about 18 months, seeing his children when they came to visit, but he had to leave the house overnight. Even when his bail was changed to Released Under Investigation he was still expected to comply with the bail conditions by Social Services. It wasn't legally binding then but would have looked as if we, as the children's protective factor, weren't being protective so it was a no brainer to continue with the 'rules' and our son agreed.

Social Services wil be involved and I hope that like us you get a good and understanding social worker. We are very lucky.

The best thing you can do is to try not to think too far into the future - try to encourage your son to start some therapy to show why he did what he did and maybe you and he do the Inform and Inform plus courses offered by Lucy faithfull. We did that and it has been such a help in so many ways plus it is proof that your son wants to overcome whatever made him behave in this way (and there are many reasons) which will be a mitigating factor as the nightmare proceeds.

And lastly, do keep posting on here either on the forum or even privately if anyone seems like someone you could talk to more privately.

Look after yourself and keep loving your son - this is only part of who he is.

Clarissa,

Thinking of you. X

Hi again - your son sounds just like ours and also many many other men mentioned on here. People throw around the P word (I probably did) but that only applies in some cases, and your son separating his own children from his behaviour is absolutely typical and generally true in my opinion, that the men wouldn't dream of hurting their own children. Unfortunately Children's Services have to treat them as if they might, as they go on 'risk', so just indulging in this kind of behaviour, even online only, puts the men into the risk category in the eyes of the professionals who become involved. This might change once the police finish investigating but it's not guaranteed and also depends on the social work team involved which reading this forum shows how different their decisions can be. My best advice is to take each hurdle as it comes, ask on here if you need advice about anything and use us to offload. I hope you have support for yourself through this as our gut instinct is to keep it secret but havinga person or two who love you and your son and don't condone but want to support is invaluable for your mental health. It's great that your son is open to getting help which is a mitigating factor in his favour already. Hang onto these small rays of hope as there will be plenty to drag you down as this nightmare unfolds (often our own thoughts and fears) but it will pass and one day life will find a new normal for you all xx