I Need Help Processing This Situation
Notifications OFFHi everyone, I’m struggling with something right now, and I don’t know where to turn for advice. My boyfriend of two years has been accused of online child abuse. I still can’t fully wrap my head around it.
We don’t live together, so I didn’t know until the police came to my house when I was at work. They were asking about my 9-year-old daughter and whether she was okay. I was horrified. They were there to check if she was safe, and I assured them she was. My daughter and him had only been alone together for a couple of hours on two occasions during these two years, and I thought everything was fine.
He knocked on the door to speak to a woman who turned out to be an undercover cop, pretending to be a mom. After everything came out, he didn’t try to explain much. He said whatever he said would sound like lies, and that he never thought it was real, but he had been talking to this woman about... well, disgusting things.
I’ve stopped seeing him, of course, but I’m left feeling shattered. I thought he would be part of my family. It was just me and my daughter, alone in a new country, and he was so kind, loving, and understanding. Or at least, I thought he was. He seemed like someone who would be there for us.
I’m devastated, and I honestly don’t even know how to process all of this. I can’t talk to my family or friends because I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I still find myself thinking about him, wondering how he could’ve been capable of this. And I worry about him—what’s going to happen to him now.
But I know I can’t have him in my life again. My daughter comes first, and this is something I can’t ignore. I just don’t know what to do with all the feelings I’m having.
Has anyone here gone through something like this? How did you cope with the shock and the emotional rollercoaster? And does anyone know what might happen next? What will happen to him now, legally or otherwise? I really just need some advice right now.
Did he meet this woman in person to discuss potentially abusing a child? If so he will be arrested, interviewed and evidence will be gathered. His devices and phone will be searched. This will be sent to the Crown Prosecution Service for them to decide if there's enough evidence to charge him with and exactly what he'll be charged with. In the meantime he'll either be remanded into custody until he's sentenced or he'll be bailed until such a time as the Police are ready to charge him etc. If he's bailed, the situation can drag on a very long time, sometimes years.
I completely understand the shock you're in. We've all been there and it's truly awful. You are at the beginning of what will no doubt be a very long journey. I can't stress this enough but the fact you didn't live together probably means that Social Services won't get involved, but the Police might refer your case to them. This is arguably the hardest part. What they'll want from you is for you to demonstrate that all that matters is your daughter and that you can prove to them that going forward you will keep her safe. Telling them you no longer want him in your life will go a long towards this. If you feel you've got someone in your family you think you can trust, I would talk to them about it. This can be a very lonely journey and you absolutely deserve some support. If not though, please post here with any questions you have. It's safe and supportive, full of people just like you.
I'm going to be brutally honest but I'm speaking from a place of experience. If I were you I'd see this as a very lucky escape. You have the opportunity to walk away from this person and start afresh. I hear you when you say you cared for him but look at what he's brought to yours and your childs lives. I've been through this twice with my ex husband. I really really wish I'd walked away the first time.
Wishing you all the very best. X. PS. You can also call the helpline if you need to.
Thank you so much for your message — it really helped me feel less alone in this. I just wanted to clarify a few things: he didn’t actually go to meet anyone in person, according to the police. They told me it was just an online chat, and he said he didn’t think it was real, then ended the conversation quickly when it got serious. I didn’t live with him, and when the police came, they asked if they could inform social services — I agreed.
I’ve since had a phone call with social services where I explained I haven’t seen him since and have no intention of doing so. Just today I received a letter from them confirming that there’s no need for any further action as long as the relationship doesn’t restart. I feel extremely lucky that no harm ever came to my daughter, and I’m grateful things didn’t go further.
That said, I’m still trying to process it all. He was the most loving person I’d ever known, and now I keep wondering — did he really love me, or was it all just to get close to my daughter? It’s such a painful and confusing thought. But I know I need to keep moving forward for her sake, and for mine.
Thank you again for your words. They meant more than you know. ??
Im going to send you a private message x
Thus is such an awful shock. You are not alone. I think everyone here has been horrified and shocked by their person's behaviour. It really turns your life up side down.
I would suggest calling the Lucy Faithful helpline. I've found them very supportive.
Take care,
Hx