Conflicting emotions
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Hello, it's been a while since I've been on here, but I've been struggling recently and haven't really got anyone I can talk with.
First knock came in 2020 for IIOC cat C, but was dismissed due to not enough evidence. My OH also claimed it was stolen IP address. SS were involved with my daughter at the time and monitored us for a year before signing us off. He swore his innocence, and still does to this day, and after a lot of work we moved on from it. Had our second daughter and got married end of last year.
Second knock then came in Jan for communicating and inciting with a 14yr old (possible decoy but I'm not sure). To say I was furious is an understatement. He's currently staying with his parents on their sofa and has supervised visits with the kids 2-3 times a week. Evidence was sent off to court in March and bail was extended for another 2 months until the end of this month.
Does this mean they think they'll get an answer from the court within that time or could it still take longer?
Living in limbo is driving me crazy - I hate that we can't plan anything, I haven't told my family or friends either so I'm also living a lie whenever we see anyone. SS haven't got involved this time so far and Im dreading what will happen further down the line.
What I'm finding the hardest at the moment is my emotions for him - some days I am furious with him and other days I miss him so much and just want my husband back. I'm trying to live each day as it comes but it's hard being a single mum most of the week and then when he does see them, watching him too as well as the girls. It's tiring. I'm exhausted. And I somehow blame myself for staying with him in the first place (he'd lied to me about using Snapchat before all of this too).
My rose tinted glasses tell me that he'll change and that he's learnt his lesson but the realist side to me thinks, don't be silly, get out. I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get some feelings off my chest.
First knock came in 2020 for IIOC cat C, but was dismissed due to not enough evidence. My OH also claimed it was stolen IP address. SS were involved with my daughter at the time and monitored us for a year before signing us off. He swore his innocence, and still does to this day, and after a lot of work we moved on from it. Had our second daughter and got married end of last year.
Second knock then came in Jan for communicating and inciting with a 14yr old (possible decoy but I'm not sure). To say I was furious is an understatement. He's currently staying with his parents on their sofa and has supervised visits with the kids 2-3 times a week. Evidence was sent off to court in March and bail was extended for another 2 months until the end of this month.
Does this mean they think they'll get an answer from the court within that time or could it still take longer?
Living in limbo is driving me crazy - I hate that we can't plan anything, I haven't told my family or friends either so I'm also living a lie whenever we see anyone. SS haven't got involved this time so far and Im dreading what will happen further down the line.
What I'm finding the hardest at the moment is my emotions for him - some days I am furious with him and other days I miss him so much and just want my husband back. I'm trying to live each day as it comes but it's hard being a single mum most of the week and then when he does see them, watching him too as well as the girls. It's tiring. I'm exhausted. And I somehow blame myself for staying with him in the first place (he'd lied to me about using Snapchat before all of this too).
My rose tinted glasses tell me that he'll change and that he's learnt his lesson but the realist side to me thinks, don't be silly, get out. I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get some feelings off my chest.
Hi Kit
Im so sorry you find yourself back here - that must have come as a huge shock.
My OH was arrested at the end of August last year for a communication offence. They took all his devices - he was bailed 3 times and finally had his second interview in May - the evidence has now gone to the CPS for a charging decison which we are expecting in a couple of weeks.
Im afraid you may need to be in this for the long haul- we don't have any children so my OH remains in the family home - he just can't see the grandkids without prior approval from the IOC.
Im sure there are plenty of ladies on here in your situation who can also advise but just wanted to send you a hug.
Im so sorry you find yourself back here - that must have come as a huge shock.
My OH was arrested at the end of August last year for a communication offence. They took all his devices - he was bailed 3 times and finally had his second interview in May - the evidence has now gone to the CPS for a charging decison which we are expecting in a couple of weeks.
Im afraid you may need to be in this for the long haul- we don't have any children so my OH remains in the family home - he just can't see the grandkids without prior approval from the IOC.
Im sure there are plenty of ladies on here in your situation who can also advise but just wanted to send you a hug.
I'm so sorry. I must admit I would run far far away in your shoes & never look back. I've already told my ex (we separated after the police showed up) that if this ever happens again I & the children will go NC.
Hi, I'm genuinely sorry that he's put you through this again after you let him back into your life. I'm afraid your case will drag on as they often do, sometimes for years. Depending on what the Police find, they may well do a referral to SS's but I'm sure you know that.
Honestly, if I were you I would start to rebuild my life. If you continue the relationship and SS's get involved, they will take a very dim view of the situation. Its possible your person might change, but can you live like this for ever, constantly wondering what will come next? I couldn't, even though I loved my person very very much and was completely reliant on him as I'm disabled. I really really believed he'd never put us all through this again, but he did and was sent to prison last Friday for the second time. It's cost me everything and I really wish I'd walked away completely. I really hope I'm not coming across as wagging my finger at you, I'm not. Only you can make these huge decisions. Maybe see if you can talk it through with a StopSO counsellor? Wishing you all the very best. X
Honestly, if I were you I would start to rebuild my life. If you continue the relationship and SS's get involved, they will take a very dim view of the situation. Its possible your person might change, but can you live like this for ever, constantly wondering what will come next? I couldn't, even though I loved my person very very much and was completely reliant on him as I'm disabled. I really really believed he'd never put us all through this again, but he did and was sent to prison last Friday for the second time. It's cost me everything and I really wish I'd walked away completely. I really hope I'm not coming across as wagging my finger at you, I'm not. Only you can make these huge decisions. Maybe see if you can talk it through with a StopSO counsellor? Wishing you all the very best. X
Thank you for your responses. The support from this group never ceases to amaze me. You're all so kind and I'm so sorry we're all going through something similar.
I know deep down you're right, and I think I know it's the right thing to do but I just break down at the thought of it. Maybe it's still too early to make that decision just yet - it's only been 5 months but the wound still feels raw even though the day to day has got a little easier.
Thanks again.
I know deep down you're right, and I think I know it's the right thing to do but I just break down at the thought of it. Maybe it's still too early to make that decision just yet - it's only been 5 months but the wound still feels raw even though the day to day has got a little easier.
Thanks again.
Took me 10 months to decide to end my marriage in which time I let him stay. Other stuff came out which cemented in my mind that all trust had gone and I firmly believe that his offending would never ever go away.
I'm almost 3 years down the line and still believe I made the right decision. It's scary on my own - but I now have light at the end of the tunnel and will soon be totally free of him.
I'm almost 3 years down the line and still believe I made the right decision. It's scary on my own - but I now have light at the end of the tunnel and will soon be totally free of him.
Kit, I feel in a similar position to you, apart from having children. We've never wanted them, and this awful situation makes me so so glad that we don't. I've said it before, but all of you going through this situation that have children, are absolute legends, even though you probably don't feel it. I can't imagine dealing with all of this and having to work and essentially be a single parent.
The knock and my idiot husband's arrest came in early February, his bail has been extended once and he's been told it'll likely be extended again, taking it to November. So even if that's the last extension, it's going to drag on over Christmas. I too feel furious with him one minute, and then miss him, and us, the next. But I will say that I'm starting to feel less and less likely to be able to forgive him, work on our marriage, and move on. I'm not quite ready to take that leap yet, so I'm taking it day by day till I am. At the moment there's no rush, and I need to sit with it till I'm ready. Resentment is starting to creep in, so I'm letting some of it in to give me more strength to do what I think will happen. As far as I know, my husband has told me the truth about what he's done - downloading, viewing and deleting CSAM. But until forensics come back, I can't say for sure. I think with your husband case your rose tinted glasses will eventually come off, but only you will know when its time. Xx
The knock and my idiot husband's arrest came in early February, his bail has been extended once and he's been told it'll likely be extended again, taking it to November. So even if that's the last extension, it's going to drag on over Christmas. I too feel furious with him one minute, and then miss him, and us, the next. But I will say that I'm starting to feel less and less likely to be able to forgive him, work on our marriage, and move on. I'm not quite ready to take that leap yet, so I'm taking it day by day till I am. At the moment there's no rush, and I need to sit with it till I'm ready. Resentment is starting to creep in, so I'm letting some of it in to give me more strength to do what I think will happen. As far as I know, my husband has told me the truth about what he's done - downloading, viewing and deleting CSAM. But until forensics come back, I can't say for sure. I think with your husband case your rose tinted glasses will eventually come off, but only you will know when its time. Xx