Supervision
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Hi
I am curious as to everyone's position when it comes to supervision of sons and daughters.
My ex was a good dad generally if a little selfish at times but we were a happy family. Then the knock came and our worlds changed. He is now living over 200 miles away and sees our children once a month when we meet in the middle somewhere for the day. I do the supervision along with a member of my family.
My ex was charged with downloading categories A, B and C images and was given an 18 month suspended sentence and a 5 year prevention order. His online addiction had been going on in secret for over 15 years. He was sending Facebook photos of children to people in chat rooms and saying what he'd done to them - even though it is only Facebook photos and probably all fantasy, I can't get past the what ifs.
We are going through a divorce and I am reluctant to increase the contact he has with our children. I don't want him back in our home becuase to begin with I don't trust him at all now but I also don't want to live under the restrictions that would be put on us by social services, I think my children deserve to live in their own home with out worrying where daddy is or if they are allowed to do something.
He wants more contact and unsupervised contact but I'm not happy about that. I know he will begin to push for unsupervised contact and I will then feel guilty that I'm not allowing it and it will all become my fault that he can't see his kids.
I see on this forum that lots of people push for unsupervised contact. I would just like to know how you trust them and how you live with all the restrictions. Also those that don't have any contact, how do you deal with the guilt and the worry that your children will blame you for having no contact with their fathers.
Sorry this sounds all a bit confused but I think the bottom line is that I don't want my children to have unsupervised contact with their dad, even though he's classed as low risk. I am trying to deal with the guilt of their dad not being in their lives and feeling like it's my fault. Sometimes I feel that I'm taking the easy way out by not letting him see them more often as it's too hard having to supervise all the time and is it selfish not wanting to live under the restrictions?
I am curious as to everyone's position when it comes to supervision of sons and daughters.
My ex was a good dad generally if a little selfish at times but we were a happy family. Then the knock came and our worlds changed. He is now living over 200 miles away and sees our children once a month when we meet in the middle somewhere for the day. I do the supervision along with a member of my family.
My ex was charged with downloading categories A, B and C images and was given an 18 month suspended sentence and a 5 year prevention order. His online addiction had been going on in secret for over 15 years. He was sending Facebook photos of children to people in chat rooms and saying what he'd done to them - even though it is only Facebook photos and probably all fantasy, I can't get past the what ifs.
We are going through a divorce and I am reluctant to increase the contact he has with our children. I don't want him back in our home becuase to begin with I don't trust him at all now but I also don't want to live under the restrictions that would be put on us by social services, I think my children deserve to live in their own home with out worrying where daddy is or if they are allowed to do something.
He wants more contact and unsupervised contact but I'm not happy about that. I know he will begin to push for unsupervised contact and I will then feel guilty that I'm not allowing it and it will all become my fault that he can't see his kids.
I see on this forum that lots of people push for unsupervised contact. I would just like to know how you trust them and how you live with all the restrictions. Also those that don't have any contact, how do you deal with the guilt and the worry that your children will blame you for having no contact with their fathers.
Sorry this sounds all a bit confused but I think the bottom line is that I don't want my children to have unsupervised contact with their dad, even though he's classed as low risk. I am trying to deal with the guilt of their dad not being in their lives and feeling like it's my fault. Sometimes I feel that I'm taking the easy way out by not letting him see them more often as it's too hard having to supervise all the time and is it selfish not wanting to live under the restrictions?
Firstly, this is not your fault. It's a natural consequence of his actions not yours. I presume it was him who moved so far away too.
As someone who has been approved unsupervised contact by ss I never pushed for unsupervised I added it into my self referral as something we would like to be assessed for so that we don't have to go back to them again in the future. This was approved in March but we are doing things very gradually as it has been supervised contact from birth so I don't see it as beneficial to rush things after 4 years of supervising.
In terms of trust that's a very individual thing. I've seen him go from minimising his actions at the beginning to where he is now. He has proven himself by being accountable for his actions not just the legal punishment served, engaging in courses and funding one to learn more about why he chose the path he did and how to prevent it in the future. He also sees a therapist and has addressed his mental health issues which also shows his willingness to want to change and be the father our daughter deserves.
Neither way is easy because there are so many unknowns/what ifs but my advice would be to make the best decisions you can for yourself and your children with whatever knowledge you have. I don't think he would get anywhere if he took you to court for unsupervised contact due to his offending and your wishes as their primary caregiver xxx
Edited to add that any restrictions were put in place by me. They don't restrict my daughter in any way. They are boundaries for my partner. It's never a child's responsibility to protect themselves, she doesn't have to worry about where dad is because he knows the boundaries and will remove himself from the room if she needs to use the potty or decides as preschoolers do that she doesn't want the clothes I've put on her on xxx
As someone who has been approved unsupervised contact by ss I never pushed for unsupervised I added it into my self referral as something we would like to be assessed for so that we don't have to go back to them again in the future. This was approved in March but we are doing things very gradually as it has been supervised contact from birth so I don't see it as beneficial to rush things after 4 years of supervising.
In terms of trust that's a very individual thing. I've seen him go from minimising his actions at the beginning to where he is now. He has proven himself by being accountable for his actions not just the legal punishment served, engaging in courses and funding one to learn more about why he chose the path he did and how to prevent it in the future. He also sees a therapist and has addressed his mental health issues which also shows his willingness to want to change and be the father our daughter deserves.
Neither way is easy because there are so many unknowns/what ifs but my advice would be to make the best decisions you can for yourself and your children with whatever knowledge you have. I don't think he would get anywhere if he took you to court for unsupervised contact due to his offending and your wishes as their primary caregiver xxx
Edited to add that any restrictions were put in place by me. They don't restrict my daughter in any way. They are boundaries for my partner. It's never a child's responsibility to protect themselves, she doesn't have to worry about where dad is because he knows the boundaries and will remove himself from the room if she needs to use the potty or decides as preschoolers do that she doesn't want the clothes I've put on her on xxx