Layers of confusion
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Hello there.
I've recently found this forum, because I was looking for help with the many, overwhelming feelings I have. It's taken a long time to pick up the courage to try and get advice myself - I've been scared to speak for so many reasons.
I don't really know how to explain my situation. Every time I come back to it, I feel like how I'm feeling or what I've gone through isn't as bad as other people. But it hurts so much, and I've found myself here, seeking solace, and getting comfort from reading the similar experiences of others.
I found out some months ago that a friend (I still refer to him as this, even though he very much no longer is a friend, because I don't know how to refer to him) had been arrested for possession/distribution of IIOC. When he told our friendship group, a confession that almost had to be forced out of him, we all cut him off, after telling him exactly how we felt.
For context, I'm a cis man, and the group is made up of GBQ+ men - we met on nights out, at prides, through friends. I'm very aware that I'm posting this in a forum where I've not see a lot of other men post - I hope this does not cause distress.
We've all been extremely emotionally close, sharing past experiences, including more than one of us discussing with him our experiences of sexual abuse, both as adults and children. I confided in him my experience of being groomed, having to send II of myself to the man who abused me, how I tried to take him to the police recently, and got NFA after pouring my soul out to two police services.
He was close with friends on other levels - lines were blurred. He'd stayed in our homes, met other friends, we'd done endless dinners.
You can imagine how shocked we were when this news came to us. And now, we're sat, waiting for his court date, waiting to see how he pleads, waiting for whatever comes next.
I feel like I'm mourning. But he's not dead.
Some friends in the group have said they wouldn't care if he wasn't on this plane, but, as I grow older, I find that my intensely religious childhood means I can't wish that on him. But I don't want to be there for him, and I am not in a position to forgive him, so I cannot. I feel so angry with myself that I cannot detatch myself from him, that my emotions have proven to be such a curse, as well as a blessing.
I also have so many worries about when it becomes public knowledge. Additional context, I work in journalism. I've spoken to victims of crime, to people who have gone through court, to family members of perpetrators. People who had no idea that their loved one was doing something heinous - and so many genuinely had no idea that their family member, OH's, friend was doing something so evil, or tried hard to get someone to listen. Yet I know, with internet trolls, and people who have no idea what this is like, that if/when it becomes public, I will be interogated by at least someone, asked how and why I didn't know.
Everytime I think about him, about what he did, it feels so heavy. It sits on my chest, it buzzes in my head. So I just put it away. Away it goes, in a box, it doesn't come out. When I'm with our old group, we don't talk about it much. It stays away.
The ribbons that use to bind us together were always beautiful. Their gorgeous colours shining in the sun. Now, there is a new ribbon, one that's covered in dirt, that winds its way around us. It's too tight, it pushes us closer together, it shouldn't be used. And yet, there it is. A new bind.
I've recently found this forum, because I was looking for help with the many, overwhelming feelings I have. It's taken a long time to pick up the courage to try and get advice myself - I've been scared to speak for so many reasons.
I don't really know how to explain my situation. Every time I come back to it, I feel like how I'm feeling or what I've gone through isn't as bad as other people. But it hurts so much, and I've found myself here, seeking solace, and getting comfort from reading the similar experiences of others.
I found out some months ago that a friend (I still refer to him as this, even though he very much no longer is a friend, because I don't know how to refer to him) had been arrested for possession/distribution of IIOC. When he told our friendship group, a confession that almost had to be forced out of him, we all cut him off, after telling him exactly how we felt.
For context, I'm a cis man, and the group is made up of GBQ+ men - we met on nights out, at prides, through friends. I'm very aware that I'm posting this in a forum where I've not see a lot of other men post - I hope this does not cause distress.
We've all been extremely emotionally close, sharing past experiences, including more than one of us discussing with him our experiences of sexual abuse, both as adults and children. I confided in him my experience of being groomed, having to send II of myself to the man who abused me, how I tried to take him to the police recently, and got NFA after pouring my soul out to two police services.
He was close with friends on other levels - lines were blurred. He'd stayed in our homes, met other friends, we'd done endless dinners.
You can imagine how shocked we were when this news came to us. And now, we're sat, waiting for his court date, waiting to see how he pleads, waiting for whatever comes next.
I feel like I'm mourning. But he's not dead.
Some friends in the group have said they wouldn't care if he wasn't on this plane, but, as I grow older, I find that my intensely religious childhood means I can't wish that on him. But I don't want to be there for him, and I am not in a position to forgive him, so I cannot. I feel so angry with myself that I cannot detatch myself from him, that my emotions have proven to be such a curse, as well as a blessing.
I also have so many worries about when it becomes public knowledge. Additional context, I work in journalism. I've spoken to victims of crime, to people who have gone through court, to family members of perpetrators. People who had no idea that their loved one was doing something heinous - and so many genuinely had no idea that their family member, OH's, friend was doing something so evil, or tried hard to get someone to listen. Yet I know, with internet trolls, and people who have no idea what this is like, that if/when it becomes public, I will be interogated by at least someone, asked how and why I didn't know.
Everytime I think about him, about what he did, it feels so heavy. It sits on my chest, it buzzes in my head. So I just put it away. Away it goes, in a box, it doesn't come out. When I'm with our old group, we don't talk about it much. It stays away.
The ribbons that use to bind us together were always beautiful. Their gorgeous colours shining in the sun. Now, there is a new ribbon, one that's covered in dirt, that winds its way around us. It's too tight, it pushes us closer together, it shouldn't be used. And yet, there it is. A new bind.
desc1963
Hi, I'm sorry you find yourself here but also, I'm glad. You've described the feelings we've all had about sadness, confusion, anger, pity, bewilderment, grief and love so eloquently.
My person was my now ex husband. We'd been together 30 years when he was sent to prison, first offence for the same as your friend.
All my friends deserted me soon after. They fell into one of two groups. There were the ones were said, "you must've known what he was doing". The others were appalled when I decided that although we divorced very early on, I could support him and visit him mainly for my children's sakes as they weren't allowed any contact whatsoever which was devastating. Of course I had absolutely no idea what he was doing. The very nature of the offences means they have to be incredibly secretive. The Police told me even if I'd suspected something and gone looking through his devices, I'd never have found it because it was so well hidden. In what relationship, be it husband/wife, partner/partner, parent/adult child, friend/friend knows what that person does online 24/7? They simply don't walk around having had the letter P tattooed on their forehead (not saying your friend is necessarily a P). They come from every single walk of life. I completely understand your confusion as to whether to keep him in your life or not. You might be interested to know that we think approximately 50%+ of partners stay in the relationship. Your feelings towards this person are undoubtedly made much more difficult and complex given what you're endured in your life. I'm actually going through this for a second time. Yup, he reoffended and put me and my children through it all again and was sent to prison again last Friday. I'm living in fear of it going in the press like it did last time. That aspect of this is utterly horrendous but not every case ends up being reported. As you know, the juicier the story, the more likely it is to appear in the press or on a police FB page etc.
Lucy Faithful run an online course for people who find themselves here. Its called Inform and runs once a week. It covers most aspects of this including sentencing and the court process. You might find it very helpful. They also have specialist counsellers which you might find beneficial. You can also use the live chat if you need any advice or just want to get things off your chest. They are extremely knowledgeable and supportive in my experience.
I hope it's ok, I'm going to send you a direct message. Don't feel you have to respond if you feel you're dealing with enough right now.
Keep reaching out here. It's safe and full of people who are having very similar feelings. I wish you all the very best. X
Hi, I'm sorry you find yourself here but also, I'm glad. You've described the feelings we've all had about sadness, confusion, anger, pity, bewilderment, grief and love so eloquently.
My person was my now ex husband. We'd been together 30 years when he was sent to prison, first offence for the same as your friend.
All my friends deserted me soon after. They fell into one of two groups. There were the ones were said, "you must've known what he was doing". The others were appalled when I decided that although we divorced very early on, I could support him and visit him mainly for my children's sakes as they weren't allowed any contact whatsoever which was devastating. Of course I had absolutely no idea what he was doing. The very nature of the offences means they have to be incredibly secretive. The Police told me even if I'd suspected something and gone looking through his devices, I'd never have found it because it was so well hidden. In what relationship, be it husband/wife, partner/partner, parent/adult child, friend/friend knows what that person does online 24/7? They simply don't walk around having had the letter P tattooed on their forehead (not saying your friend is necessarily a P). They come from every single walk of life. I completely understand your confusion as to whether to keep him in your life or not. You might be interested to know that we think approximately 50%+ of partners stay in the relationship. Your feelings towards this person are undoubtedly made much more difficult and complex given what you're endured in your life. I'm actually going through this for a second time. Yup, he reoffended and put me and my children through it all again and was sent to prison again last Friday. I'm living in fear of it going in the press like it did last time. That aspect of this is utterly horrendous but not every case ends up being reported. As you know, the juicier the story, the more likely it is to appear in the press or on a police FB page etc.
Lucy Faithful run an online course for people who find themselves here. Its called Inform and runs once a week. It covers most aspects of this including sentencing and the court process. You might find it very helpful. They also have specialist counsellers which you might find beneficial. You can also use the live chat if you need any advice or just want to get things off your chest. They are extremely knowledgeable and supportive in my experience.
I hope it's ok, I'm going to send you a direct message. Don't feel you have to respond if you feel you're dealing with enough right now.
Keep reaching out here. It's safe and full of people who are having very similar feelings. I wish you all the very best. X
Aw desc1963
I'm so sorry someone you trusted has let you down like this. Especially after you confided in them about your own awful experiences. I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were younger.
Your feelings are just as valid as the partners and parents of offenders on here (which does seem to be mostly women). We're all in our own rickety boats in the same catastrophic storm.
Many of us are here because the fathers of our children have done this, so it's hard to get your head around someone you loved and trusted who was supposed to be an ally and protect the children could do this. It takes time and a lot of processing if it doesn't marry up with a the person you thought you knew.
until it happens to you there a lot of completely unbelievable parts to it that you never would have known about or considered, it's a very nasty shock. Most often the offenders will hide what they're doing through shame, guilt and obviously the stigma and implications of others finding out. Plus some dont want to stop or be caught or genuinely don't realise (or believe) what they are doing is wrong.
Have you called the helpline or engaged with any support groups or therapy? I know it has massively helped me understand what the hell has happened and what might happen next and some GP referred therapy has really helped with the anxiety, uncertainty and constant worrying. The insomnia & feelings of impending doom are much less often or intense now.
sending you love and the users on here will always be a virtual pair of ears to help you work it through
I'm so sorry someone you trusted has let you down like this. Especially after you confided in them about your own awful experiences. I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were younger.
Your feelings are just as valid as the partners and parents of offenders on here (which does seem to be mostly women). We're all in our own rickety boats in the same catastrophic storm.
Many of us are here because the fathers of our children have done this, so it's hard to get your head around someone you loved and trusted who was supposed to be an ally and protect the children could do this. It takes time and a lot of processing if it doesn't marry up with a the person you thought you knew.
until it happens to you there a lot of completely unbelievable parts to it that you never would have known about or considered, it's a very nasty shock. Most often the offenders will hide what they're doing through shame, guilt and obviously the stigma and implications of others finding out. Plus some dont want to stop or be caught or genuinely don't realise (or believe) what they are doing is wrong.
Have you called the helpline or engaged with any support groups or therapy? I know it has massively helped me understand what the hell has happened and what might happen next and some GP referred therapy has really helped with the anxiety, uncertainty and constant worrying. The insomnia & feelings of impending doom are much less often or intense now.
sending you love and the users on here will always be a virtual pair of ears to help you work it through
Desc1963. Hello, and here's a virtual hug. Your eloquently written post has brought me to tears. I can relate so much to your experience, as I often think I shouldn't be feeling the way I do after I discovered my husband had been downloading and viewing IIOC. I feel this way (guilty) when so many of us here have people who have done more. I'm not going to say "done much worse" because that minimises it, and none of these heinous crimes should be minimised, but I know the people who have done more will face stronger convictions, and may have children that are affected. I try to remind myself daily that what we are feeling is relative to us and our situations, relative to our relationships with the person who've committed these crimes, relative to our trust in them. Our feelings are valid to us and we must allow ourselves to feel them. I'm so sorry that your friend has betrayed your trust this way. My husband has done the same, and even though he's still here, I've been grieving for the loss of our life together, the loss of my trust in him, the loss of our relationship, the loss of our future together. Grief comes in many forms. I'm not fighting it, I'm allowing myself to go through the stages, and I feel like I'm reaching the acceptance stage. The acceptance that like you, I can't get past this and we will seperate. I still care for him deeply, and like you with you feel about your friend, you can't just turn those emotions off. We're not taps.
I'm not glad you've found yourself here, but I am glad you've decided to reach out. It matters nothing than you're a man in a predominantly female place. You've been hurt deeply and need support. Post when you need to, even if its just to rant, or get your thoughts down in words Feel free to DM me if you need to chat. Xx
I'm not glad you've found yourself here, but I am glad you've decided to reach out. It matters nothing than you're a man in a predominantly female place. You've been hurt deeply and need support. Post when you need to, even if its just to rant, or get your thoughts down in words Feel free to DM me if you need to chat. Xx