I really want my family back
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Hi everyone
So basically I'm almost (I hope) at the end of the long road of this nightmare.
1.5 years ago I got the Knick at my family home . Husband was viewing and storing IIOC.
I left him immediately with the children , we have been separated since . Social services stopped all contact with the children and him.
He has been sentenced 6 months ago, he got probation community service and on register for 3 years I believe .
Cintact is on the cards soon I believe as it is just a waiting game he needs to do assessments etc and they want me to do protective parent assessment as well .
My problem now is I miss him , I live this man and this past 1.5 years I've hated him because of what he has done.
it's only recently I have had feelings of missing him and longing for our family to come back together some day .
Im scared I don't know what to do, he has no idea I'm feeling this way . We haven't seen each other in this whole time .
im scared about what social services would make of it . What happens etc . I'm just worried .
He case wasn't in the paper but speculation in my small village has came from somewhere . As my family member was asked a few questions about him . I of course lied and said no don't be ridiculous that's not true . As there's no facts it's just speculation and I imagine it hasn't been talked about since .
any one in similar situation give me some advice ?
thank you
So basically I'm almost (I hope) at the end of the long road of this nightmare.
1.5 years ago I got the Knick at my family home . Husband was viewing and storing IIOC.
I left him immediately with the children , we have been separated since . Social services stopped all contact with the children and him.
He has been sentenced 6 months ago, he got probation community service and on register for 3 years I believe .
Cintact is on the cards soon I believe as it is just a waiting game he needs to do assessments etc and they want me to do protective parent assessment as well .
My problem now is I miss him , I live this man and this past 1.5 years I've hated him because of what he has done.
it's only recently I have had feelings of missing him and longing for our family to come back together some day .
Im scared I don't know what to do, he has no idea I'm feeling this way . We haven't seen each other in this whole time .
im scared about what social services would make of it . What happens etc . I'm just worried .
He case wasn't in the paper but speculation in my small village has came from somewhere . As my family member was asked a few questions about him . I of course lied and said no don't be ridiculous that's not true . As there's no facts it's just speculation and I imagine it hasn't been talked about since .
any one in similar situation give me some advice ?
thank you
Sending you so much love. It's something no one can tell you how to do, and a decision you never imagined having to make. Just protect yourself and your kids first and foremost. There's no rush xx
Yes absolutely my kids are all that matters really .
Now that 1.5 years has passed after the knock . I feel like I've made up my mind and I would like to get my family back .
I don't know how it's going to work and to be honest I am not planning on telling social services my ideas until contact is initiated and assessments are done etc .
I just worry what they will think or say when the time comes
Now that 1.5 years has passed after the knock . I feel like I've made up my mind and I would like to get my family back .
I don't know how it's going to work and to be honest I am not planning on telling social services my ideas until contact is initiated and assessments are done etc .
I just worry what they will think or say when the time comes
Hi, it's entirely your decision whether to get back with him. Think about how life will be, not just having social services on your back but can you cope with the worry of not knowing if he'll do it all again? I really believed my ex wouldn't do it all again (same crimes as your person). I believed he'd never put us all through this again, but he did and was sent to prison just over a week ago. X
Little Robin so sorry to hear that .
that's horrendous for you .
your right that's a worry and I suppose it will always be .
It's really difficult
that's horrendous for you .
your right that's a worry and I suppose it will always be .
It's really difficult
If you want him back as your partner, "Yes absolutely my kids are all that matters really ", SS's won't see it that way. We can be 99.99% sure our person would never abuse our own children, yet they were perfectly ok to see images and watch videos of other people's children being abused. Obviously I can only speak from my own experience but addicted to porn or not, nothing on this earth could ever make me want to look at that. Nothing. You need to be prepared for SS's to take a really bad view of your wanting him back in your life. I appreciate some people have made it work but I'm not sure the cost is worth the risk. X
Hello Devastated Wife,
I have no doubt that your children are your top priority. Here are my suggestions of things that are helping my family on our path to being together again.
full accountability. No minimization, justification or rationalization.
Life long commitment to 12 step group such as sex addicts anonymous. Work the program then become a sponsor.
Regular therapy with a specialist sex offender psychologist for him. This person is able to speak to social services and assess risk. This was the person who convinced social services that no contact with their dad was what was harmful for my kids.
Regular therapy with a social worker for me and my kids. I chose someone specifically with experience with kids who've been sexually assaulted. Luckily this wasn't the case for my kids and he was able to reassure social services of that.
I also gave social services permission to interview my children a few times.
With support from my therapist, I learned to have conversations with my kids about sex, pornography, illegal sexual abuse images, grooming, consent, etc. an open dialogue about anything and everything.
I let the social worker know over and over that I wanted to work WITH them. I answered every question, did everything they asked.
Have a strong safety plan. Consider phased re-introduction. Start with phone calls and then assess your kids to make sure it's going well.
My husband was given a prison sentence (I'm in Canada so not really comparable). While there he has completed sex offender programming. More than 200+ hours of group programming. He's found it very useful. He calls the social worker every month to check in and tell her how it's going. He calls every day to talk to the kids. We visit once a week.
My children love their dad and have always wanted a relationship to continue. They know what their dad did was very wrong. We are supporting him through his rehabilitation, and I'm not ashamed of that. It feels like the right thing in our situation.
Best of luck.
I have no doubt that your children are your top priority. Here are my suggestions of things that are helping my family on our path to being together again.
full accountability. No minimization, justification or rationalization.
Life long commitment to 12 step group such as sex addicts anonymous. Work the program then become a sponsor.
Regular therapy with a specialist sex offender psychologist for him. This person is able to speak to social services and assess risk. This was the person who convinced social services that no contact with their dad was what was harmful for my kids.
Regular therapy with a social worker for me and my kids. I chose someone specifically with experience with kids who've been sexually assaulted. Luckily this wasn't the case for my kids and he was able to reassure social services of that.
I also gave social services permission to interview my children a few times.
With support from my therapist, I learned to have conversations with my kids about sex, pornography, illegal sexual abuse images, grooming, consent, etc. an open dialogue about anything and everything.
I let the social worker know over and over that I wanted to work WITH them. I answered every question, did everything they asked.
Have a strong safety plan. Consider phased re-introduction. Start with phone calls and then assess your kids to make sure it's going well.
My husband was given a prison sentence (I'm in Canada so not really comparable). While there he has completed sex offender programming. More than 200+ hours of group programming. He's found it very useful. He calls the social worker every month to check in and tell her how it's going. He calls every day to talk to the kids. We visit once a week.
My children love their dad and have always wanted a relationship to continue. They know what their dad did was very wrong. We are supporting him through his rehabilitation, and I'm not ashamed of that. It feels like the right thing in our situation.
Best of luck.
This is tough, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was never actually going to "get my family back" or "get my marriage back". Those things were gone, and had actually never really existed as I thought they did (forensics haven't turned up evidence of a sustained interest in IIOC thankfully, but this has all turned up a very long history of online / offline infidelity + voyeurism against me). Even if I stayed with my ex, and eventually managed to have us all living under one roof as a family, the life I thought we were living isn't coming back. There's a huge huge amount of grief in coming to terms with that, but even if you stay, it's going to be a very different life. I guess I just wasn't prepared to live that life or impose that life on my children.
Just to give a message of hope, I stayed with my husband, we worked with social services and he came home within a few months of sentencing and we have a very normal family life. The only thing that's impacted will be travel abroad, and his career has taken a hit so we're not as financially good as we were, but can still afford a good life.
I know several other people who made the same decision and live good happy lives together - it is possible and around half of partners stay with their person long term after the offending
Of course there are reoffending risks - these risks are low compared to pretty much any other crime, and I believe they can be managed by robust safety planning. For example, we have an app that monitors all device usage which costs 8.99 which I monitor, things like that.
It might be a difficult road, and SS will have queries considering you were separated for quite some time, but I'm sure if it's what you know you want and the risk assessments by probation, Mosovo can support it, it will be worth the journey for your family.
I know several other people who made the same decision and live good happy lives together - it is possible and around half of partners stay with their person long term after the offending
Of course there are reoffending risks - these risks are low compared to pretty much any other crime, and I believe they can be managed by robust safety planning. For example, we have an app that monitors all device usage which costs 8.99 which I monitor, things like that.
It might be a difficult road, and SS will have queries considering you were separated for quite some time, but I'm sure if it's what you know you want and the risk assessments by probation, Mosovo can support it, it will be worth the journey for your family.