I really want my family back
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Hi everyone
So basically I'm almost (I hope) at the end of the long road of this nightmare.
1.5 years ago I got the Knick at my family home . Husband was viewing and storing IIOC.
I left him immediately with the children , we have been separated since . Social services stopped all contact with the children and him.
He has been sentenced 6 months ago, he got probation community service and on register for 3 years I believe .
Cintact is on the cards soon I believe as it is just a waiting game he needs to do assessments etc and they want me to do protective parent assessment as well .
My problem now is I miss him , I live this man and this past 1.5 years I've hated him because of what he has done.
it's only recently I have had feelings of missing him and longing for our family to come back together some day .
Im scared I don't know what to do, he has no idea I'm feeling this way . We haven't seen each other in this whole time .
im scared about what social services would make of it . What happens etc . I'm just worried .
He case wasn't in the paper but speculation in my small village has came from somewhere . As my family member was asked a few questions about him . I of course lied and said no don't be ridiculous that's not true . As there's no facts it's just speculation and I imagine it hasn't been talked about since .
any one in similar situation give me some advice ?
thank you
So basically I'm almost (I hope) at the end of the long road of this nightmare.
1.5 years ago I got the Knick at my family home . Husband was viewing and storing IIOC.
I left him immediately with the children , we have been separated since . Social services stopped all contact with the children and him.
He has been sentenced 6 months ago, he got probation community service and on register for 3 years I believe .
Cintact is on the cards soon I believe as it is just a waiting game he needs to do assessments etc and they want me to do protective parent assessment as well .
My problem now is I miss him , I live this man and this past 1.5 years I've hated him because of what he has done.
it's only recently I have had feelings of missing him and longing for our family to come back together some day .
Im scared I don't know what to do, he has no idea I'm feeling this way . We haven't seen each other in this whole time .
im scared about what social services would make of it . What happens etc . I'm just worried .
He case wasn't in the paper but speculation in my small village has came from somewhere . As my family member was asked a few questions about him . I of course lied and said no don't be ridiculous that's not true . As there's no facts it's just speculation and I imagine it hasn't been talked about since .
any one in similar situation give me some advice ?
thank you
Sending you so much love. It's something no one can tell you how to do, and a decision you never imagined having to make. Just protect yourself and your kids first and foremost. There's no rush xx
Yes absolutely my kids are all that matters really .
Now that 1.5 years has passed after the knock . I feel like I've made up my mind and I would like to get my family back .
I don't know how it's going to work and to be honest I am not planning on telling social services my ideas until contact is initiated and assessments are done etc .
I just worry what they will think or say when the time comes
Now that 1.5 years has passed after the knock . I feel like I've made up my mind and I would like to get my family back .
I don't know how it's going to work and to be honest I am not planning on telling social services my ideas until contact is initiated and assessments are done etc .
I just worry what they will think or say when the time comes
Little Robin so sorry to hear that .
that's horrendous for you .
your right that's a worry and I suppose it will always be .
It's really difficult
that's horrendous for you .
your right that's a worry and I suppose it will always be .
It's really difficult
Hello Devastated Wife,
I have no doubt that your children are your top priority. Here are my suggestions of things that are helping my family on our path to being together again.
full accountability. No minimization, justification or rationalization.
Life long commitment to 12 step group such as sex addicts anonymous. Work the program then become a sponsor.
Regular therapy with a specialist sex offender psychologist for him. This person is able to speak to social services and assess risk. This was the person who convinced social services that no contact with their dad was what was harmful for my kids.
Regular therapy with a social worker for me and my kids. I chose someone specifically with experience with kids who've been sexually assaulted. Luckily this wasn't the case for my kids and he was able to reassure social services of that.
I also gave social services permission to interview my children a few times.
With support from my therapist, I learned to have conversations with my kids about sex, pornography, illegal sexual abuse images, grooming, consent, etc. an open dialogue about anything and everything.
I let the social worker know over and over that I wanted to work WITH them. I answered every question, did everything they asked.
Have a strong safety plan. Consider phased re-introduction. Start with phone calls and then assess your kids to make sure it's going well.
My husband was given a prison sentence (I'm in Canada so not really comparable). While there he has completed sex offender programming. More than 200+ hours of group programming. He's found it very useful. He calls the social worker every month to check in and tell her how it's going. He calls every day to talk to the kids. We visit once a week.
My children love their dad and have always wanted a relationship to continue. They know what their dad did was very wrong. We are supporting him through his rehabilitation, and I'm not ashamed of that. It feels like the right thing in our situation.
Best of luck.
I have no doubt that your children are your top priority. Here are my suggestions of things that are helping my family on our path to being together again.
full accountability. No minimization, justification or rationalization.
Life long commitment to 12 step group such as sex addicts anonymous. Work the program then become a sponsor.
Regular therapy with a specialist sex offender psychologist for him. This person is able to speak to social services and assess risk. This was the person who convinced social services that no contact with their dad was what was harmful for my kids.
Regular therapy with a social worker for me and my kids. I chose someone specifically with experience with kids who've been sexually assaulted. Luckily this wasn't the case for my kids and he was able to reassure social services of that.
I also gave social services permission to interview my children a few times.
With support from my therapist, I learned to have conversations with my kids about sex, pornography, illegal sexual abuse images, grooming, consent, etc. an open dialogue about anything and everything.
I let the social worker know over and over that I wanted to work WITH them. I answered every question, did everything they asked.
Have a strong safety plan. Consider phased re-introduction. Start with phone calls and then assess your kids to make sure it's going well.
My husband was given a prison sentence (I'm in Canada so not really comparable). While there he has completed sex offender programming. More than 200+ hours of group programming. He's found it very useful. He calls the social worker every month to check in and tell her how it's going. He calls every day to talk to the kids. We visit once a week.
My children love their dad and have always wanted a relationship to continue. They know what their dad did was very wrong. We are supporting him through his rehabilitation, and I'm not ashamed of that. It feels like the right thing in our situation.
Best of luck.
This is tough, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was never actually going to "get my family back" or "get my marriage back". Those things were gone, and had actually never really existed as I thought they did (forensics haven't turned up evidence of a sustained interest in IIOC thankfully, but this has all turned up a very long history of online / offline infidelity + voyeurism against me). Even if I stayed with my ex, and eventually managed to have us all living under one roof as a family, the life I thought we were living isn't coming back. There's a huge huge amount of grief in coming to terms with that, but even if you stay, it's going to be a very different life. I guess I just wasn't prepared to live that life or impose that life on my children.
Just to give a message of hope, I stayed with my husband, we worked with social services and he came home within a few months of sentencing and we have a very normal family life. The only thing that's impacted will be travel abroad, and his career has taken a hit so we're not as financially good as we were, but can still afford a good life.
I know several other people who made the same decision and live good happy lives together - it is possible and around half of partners stay with their person long term after the offending
Of course there are reoffending risks - these risks are low compared to pretty much any other crime, and I believe they can be managed by robust safety planning. For example, we have an app that monitors all device usage which costs 8.99 which I monitor, things like that.
It might be a difficult road, and SS will have queries considering you were separated for quite some time, but I'm sure if it's what you know you want and the risk assessments by probation, Mosovo can support it, it will be worth the journey for your family.
I know several other people who made the same decision and live good happy lives together - it is possible and around half of partners stay with their person long term after the offending
Of course there are reoffending risks - these risks are low compared to pretty much any other crime, and I believe they can be managed by robust safety planning. For example, we have an app that monitors all device usage which costs 8.99 which I monitor, things like that.
It might be a difficult road, and SS will have queries considering you were separated for quite some time, but I'm sure if it's what you know you want and the risk assessments by probation, Mosovo can support it, it will be worth the journey for your family.
Hi
I completely get the still loving them. I had our knock 4 years ago. I also separated from him and myself and our children moved far away. This year we have reconciled. Our children are both now over 16 so I don't know about the social services side of things.
I do understand the desperation of wanting your family back together though. This loving and missing him. I have made the decision that I can't live without him. This has not been uncomplicated though. I have found things on his phone in this short 6 months of being back together. We are now seeking therapy for him again and limiting phone time.
If you consider reconciliation, my advice would be to go into it with your eyes wider open than I did. My husband had also involved other women and adult only chats that I had been unaware of at the time of taking him back. You need to tell him that you can't and won't trust him but you are willing to let him prove to be worthy of trust. Share internet history, even if it means a tracking app that he knows about, make him agree to continue any therapy, wether for sexual offender or couples counselling. My husband has agreed to all this but it would have saved me more heart ache if he had agreed to this before I accepted him back in. I wish I had laid all this out 6 months ago. Be open about the fact you are scared that he will do something again to destroy your family. I am learning that they need to prove to you that they want you all back together. You have already proved your love and loyalty by wanting him back after his actions.
If you decide not to, you can move on. It's different, it's not nice, but it can be done. Everyone says you can meet someone else to love. That didn't work for me but I know it is possible and people live happier lives that they had with their previous partner.
You have to do what you want and think is best. The heart breaks doesn't stop when you have them back, it changes. The hurt is still there. I thought it would heal it but it doesn't. It just kind of eases it a bit but what they have done, is always there, the same as it is for you now.
I wish you lots of luck in finding your way through this. Don't beat yourself up for loving him. It's a testament to the strength of your feelings which is always a great thing for a mother to have x
I completely get the still loving them. I had our knock 4 years ago. I also separated from him and myself and our children moved far away. This year we have reconciled. Our children are both now over 16 so I don't know about the social services side of things.
I do understand the desperation of wanting your family back together though. This loving and missing him. I have made the decision that I can't live without him. This has not been uncomplicated though. I have found things on his phone in this short 6 months of being back together. We are now seeking therapy for him again and limiting phone time.
If you consider reconciliation, my advice would be to go into it with your eyes wider open than I did. My husband had also involved other women and adult only chats that I had been unaware of at the time of taking him back. You need to tell him that you can't and won't trust him but you are willing to let him prove to be worthy of trust. Share internet history, even if it means a tracking app that he knows about, make him agree to continue any therapy, wether for sexual offender or couples counselling. My husband has agreed to all this but it would have saved me more heart ache if he had agreed to this before I accepted him back in. I wish I had laid all this out 6 months ago. Be open about the fact you are scared that he will do something again to destroy your family. I am learning that they need to prove to you that they want you all back together. You have already proved your love and loyalty by wanting him back after his actions.
If you decide not to, you can move on. It's different, it's not nice, but it can be done. Everyone says you can meet someone else to love. That didn't work for me but I know it is possible and people live happier lives that they had with their previous partner.
You have to do what you want and think is best. The heart breaks doesn't stop when you have them back, it changes. The hurt is still there. I thought it would heal it but it doesn't. It just kind of eases it a bit but what they have done, is always there, the same as it is for you now.
I wish you lots of luck in finding your way through this. Don't beat yourself up for loving him. It's a testament to the strength of your feelings which is always a great thing for a mother to have x