I think I've finally made my decision
Notifications OFF
I'm tired of being on this rollercoaster. Its chipping away at me and I'm starting to lose myself. Tomorrow it'll be 4 months and 1 week since that awful awful day of the police turning up at my door and him being arrested for downloading IIOC. It feels like much, much longer. I've felt all the feels, I've researched and gained an education in a subject I never wanted to learn about, I've done the Inform course, I've talked with my idiot husband, and I now know I can't get past this and our marriage is over.
I'm not living my life in fear that he may reoffend.
I'm not going to be on edge every day panicking that the knock at the door may be the police again.
I'm not going to support him financially and emotionally if/when he loses his job and he finds it hard to get another.
I'm not going to let the police make unannounced calls as part of the SOR.
I'm not going to continue to lie to my parents about why we're not in a good place.
I'm not going to continue living in hope that he'll eventually gain some emotional maturity and be able to open up to me.
I'm not going to think that after 6 years of no sex, that we'll be able to be intimate ever again. How could I even think of that, considering some of the content he viewed was of children as young as 6, and after the first time of seeing IIOC, he actively looked for it.
I'm not going to be suspicious every time he's online, wondering if his excessive porn habit has returned.
I'm not going to lose friends because of something hideous he's done.
I'm certainly not going to expose myself to any potential media coverage
I'm not going to lose myself.
I AM going to advocate for myself. I'm going to find some more strength from somewhere to get through this.
Thanks for reading. Sending you all love and strength. Xx
(Oh, and I'm going to gain some cupboard space back and a shed! - silver linings and all that!)
I'm not living my life in fear that he may reoffend.
I'm not going to be on edge every day panicking that the knock at the door may be the police again.
I'm not going to support him financially and emotionally if/when he loses his job and he finds it hard to get another.
I'm not going to let the police make unannounced calls as part of the SOR.
I'm not going to continue to lie to my parents about why we're not in a good place.
I'm not going to continue living in hope that he'll eventually gain some emotional maturity and be able to open up to me.
I'm not going to think that after 6 years of no sex, that we'll be able to be intimate ever again. How could I even think of that, considering some of the content he viewed was of children as young as 6, and after the first time of seeing IIOC, he actively looked for it.
I'm not going to be suspicious every time he's online, wondering if his excessive porn habit has returned.
I'm not going to lose friends because of something hideous he's done.
I'm certainly not going to expose myself to any potential media coverage
I'm not going to lose myself.
I AM going to advocate for myself. I'm going to find some more strength from somewhere to get through this.
Thanks for reading. Sending you all love and strength. Xx
(Oh, and I'm going to gain some cupboard space back and a shed! - silver linings and all that!)
Well done poppet, it's so good that you've really looked at it from all angles, you've educated yourself and you've thought about what makes sense for your life and decided the best path for you. I also left and have similar thoughts to you, I hope your future is bright, more carefree and filled with happiness and peace :)
Hey Poppet
I'm glad you have made your decision to take back control of your life - it's such a difficult one to make.
I've chosen the other path - I made that choice early on and I'm glad - we still have a long long way to go but we are stronger together.
He has been open and honest from day one (although there was more found at 2nd interview that even he wasn't aware of)
That said, I do reserve to right to change my mind at any time - but I'm not going to just desert him. 21 years is a long time and I won't give up without a fight.
I wish you all the very best xxx
I'm glad you have made your decision to take back control of your life - it's such a difficult one to make.
I've chosen the other path - I made that choice early on and I'm glad - we still have a long long way to go but we are stronger together.
He has been open and honest from day one (although there was more found at 2nd interview that even he wasn't aware of)
That said, I do reserve to right to change my mind at any time - but I'm not going to just desert him. 21 years is a long time and I won't give up without a fight.
I wish you all the very best xxx
Thanks LRF. The same to you. Are you still supporting your person as a friend and through the process? Xx
Lostinthewoods thankyou for your kind words and I have the greatest admiration for you for staying. It sounds like you have your head screwed on about the future. Xx
Lostinthewoods thankyou for your kind words and I have the greatest admiration for you for staying. It sounds like you have your head screwed on about the future. Xx
Well done you ???? the best decision for you
Thanks Inturmoil. Ive not yet told him, but I'm building up to it.
Poppet
I can't tell you how much I wish I'd walked away from my ex completely the first time he was arrested. The lack of intimacy in my situation turned out to be a huge red flag, one I'll never get over. It meant he was a true P, but allowed me to believe that the intimacy issue was to do with my weight. He let me believe that for 30 years. It wasn't my weight. It was because he simply wasn't attracted to an adult. I should have known he'd reoffend but I thought we meant so much more to him than that and that he would never put us all through that again. But he did. For what it's worth, I 100% think your decision Is the right one, for YOU.
Wishing you peace and happiness going forward. X
I can't tell you how much I wish I'd walked away from my ex completely the first time he was arrested. The lack of intimacy in my situation turned out to be a huge red flag, one I'll never get over. It meant he was a true P, but allowed me to believe that the intimacy issue was to do with my weight. He let me believe that for 30 years. It wasn't my weight. It was because he simply wasn't attracted to an adult. I should have known he'd reoffend but I thought we meant so much more to him than that and that he would never put us all through that again. But he did. For what it's worth, I 100% think your decision Is the right one, for YOU.
Wishing you peace and happiness going forward. X
Thanks LittleRobin. My heart breaks for you every time I read about your situation. I so hope you can eventually get some help to help you deal with what your ex has put you through. Even though my husband said there was no sexual gratification from the content he viewed, and he's no threat to any child, and even after the course and all the research, I can't help but wonder. You may remember that our intimacy disappeared entirely 6 years ago, and the lack of it had always been a problem. Accordinging to him my weight (size 14/16 back then) was the issue, as with your husband.. what utter, utter, bulls*^t
I've realised that its chipped away at me for years, and I've just let it happen. I've accommodated his lack of social skills and its affected who I was. I've made so many excuses for him over the years. He doesn't want us to seperate and wants us to have therapy. Of course he does, now he's about to lose everything. When I suggested it a while ago on several occasions, he just shut me down. So no, we're not having therapy. If and when I go for therapy, it'll be for me. I've about had enough of this limbo and waiting for the consequences of something so awful that is not my fault.
I've realised that its chipped away at me for years, and I've just let it happen. I've accommodated his lack of social skills and its affected who I was. I've made so many excuses for him over the years. He doesn't want us to seperate and wants us to have therapy. Of course he does, now he's about to lose everything. When I suggested it a while ago on several occasions, he just shut me down. So no, we're not having therapy. If and when I go for therapy, it'll be for me. I've about had enough of this limbo and waiting for the consequences of something so awful that is not my fault.
Poppet, I can see that you've put a lot of time and thought into this decision. And I truly hope that you can find some peace now. Best wishes on your new adventures going forward!
Thankyou Prairie. The time for thought is over, its now time for action. Its going to take a while to get through this to find peace and happiness again, but I'll get there. Xx
Poppet
sending love and strength. That is such a brave decision. Well done for doing what's best for you. All our choices in this scenario are hard and it takes a while to get over the shock, find out your options and what is actually likely to happen as well as get in the right headspace to make your choice. For me it felt like such a big decision after so much had already gone on I couldn't even get past what I wanted to do on a daily basis never mind think about my future.
It took me about 6months to finally have enough information and be emotionally and mentally strong enough to make my decision. The fact it was a weight off my shoulders and that I can't imagine the alternative just cements it for me that despite it being hard, and not what I would have ever wanted.....I have made the right choice. I can fully justify the decision o have made (as you have explained your reasoning) but we shouldn't have to! If our people hadn't made the bad decisions they have, we would t be in this situation having to plan an alternative future. I also have made peace with my decision because if I read out my situation in black and white on paper not knowing who it was about and was asked my opinion; my immediate response would be "leave". But it's very different when it's your own life. You've taken a big step and remember, do not let your person blame you, they put you in the decision making position, their actions triggered these consequences and in all honesty if they never expected you leaving as a possible outcome then I'd question their grasp on reality and understanding of the situation. If the boot was on the other foot and I'd done something this catastrophic id expect my partner to make the same decision. They have done something incredibly disturbing and stupid; equivalent to cheating, lying and betrayal as well as putting kids at risk of serious harm (knowing this would likely happen) they know my feelings and morals on these subjects are very strong and oppose this fiercely (why they likely hid it for so long even once caught) so why do they think I would accept it just because I know about it all in detail now?
Its just illogical. For me there are some things that love cannot overcome. I love my child more than anything, our safety and peace is worth more. I don't want to choose but I will pick my child over my partner any day. I had the conversation whilst I was pregnant....if it ever comes to a decision between me or the baby you pick the baby. However I am not willing to sacrifice both our lives and happiness for someone who doesn't value or appreciate them. I'm not willing to risk my child's safety or my happiness for someone who threw it away so carelessly and hasn't bent over backwards to attempt to fix/prevent make amends. The parity is just not there, I'm not picking up someone else's mess when they're not willing to pitch in or acknowledge that their selfishness has caused this. When they're not willing to put in the extra to get us back to even a shred of what it was before. It's not enough. We deserve better and I don't see them striving for better it's still all about them.
sending love and strength. That is such a brave decision. Well done for doing what's best for you. All our choices in this scenario are hard and it takes a while to get over the shock, find out your options and what is actually likely to happen as well as get in the right headspace to make your choice. For me it felt like such a big decision after so much had already gone on I couldn't even get past what I wanted to do on a daily basis never mind think about my future.
It took me about 6months to finally have enough information and be emotionally and mentally strong enough to make my decision. The fact it was a weight off my shoulders and that I can't imagine the alternative just cements it for me that despite it being hard, and not what I would have ever wanted.....I have made the right choice. I can fully justify the decision o have made (as you have explained your reasoning) but we shouldn't have to! If our people hadn't made the bad decisions they have, we would t be in this situation having to plan an alternative future. I also have made peace with my decision because if I read out my situation in black and white on paper not knowing who it was about and was asked my opinion; my immediate response would be "leave". But it's very different when it's your own life. You've taken a big step and remember, do not let your person blame you, they put you in the decision making position, their actions triggered these consequences and in all honesty if they never expected you leaving as a possible outcome then I'd question their grasp on reality and understanding of the situation. If the boot was on the other foot and I'd done something this catastrophic id expect my partner to make the same decision. They have done something incredibly disturbing and stupid; equivalent to cheating, lying and betrayal as well as putting kids at risk of serious harm (knowing this would likely happen) they know my feelings and morals on these subjects are very strong and oppose this fiercely (why they likely hid it for so long even once caught) so why do they think I would accept it just because I know about it all in detail now?
Its just illogical. For me there are some things that love cannot overcome. I love my child more than anything, our safety and peace is worth more. I don't want to choose but I will pick my child over my partner any day. I had the conversation whilst I was pregnant....if it ever comes to a decision between me or the baby you pick the baby. However I am not willing to sacrifice both our lives and happiness for someone who doesn't value or appreciate them. I'm not willing to risk my child's safety or my happiness for someone who threw it away so carelessly and hasn't bent over backwards to attempt to fix/prevent make amends. The parity is just not there, I'm not picking up someone else's mess when they're not willing to pitch in or acknowledge that their selfishness has caused this. When they're not willing to put in the extra to get us back to even a shred of what it was before. It's not enough. We deserve better and I don't see them striving for better it's still all about them.
Thankyou so much Grenade. You've put it so well. We have to go through each stage to get to our decision, because its a hard one. Some people can make it immediately, but many of us can't. I've been trying to explain this to my best friend, who's been such a support since the start of this. I think she can see more than I can how much this is starting to change me, and is starting to put the pressure on to take action. But even though I've made my choice, its still so hard to voice it, and I'm in the early stages of acceptance, so I'm not giving in to that pressure. Its not like ending a relationship of a couple of years. This is ending a marriage, ending what I thought was my future, changing my life and direction. Like you, I'm only starting to feel strong enough to do it.
I'm so glad to read that you now know you've made the right decision. I'm sure there will be days when I have doubts, but I'm sure this will be the right decision for me too. Not dreading him coming home will be a weight off my shoulders. And you are so right about if we heard this story about someone else, we'd be saying to leave, get out, go. But until you're in an awful situation like this, you don't know how you'll react.
My husband blames only himself for what he's done, but I don't think he can fully see how his blaming his lack of physical interest in me on my weight has affected me. I'm not even that big! I don't think he's yet fully aware how his porn habit has affected his whole life since he started viewing it as a teenager. He's due to start the Inform Plus course soon, but he only registered when I got angry that he still hadn't. I've done so much work to try and understand why people do what he's done. He may have done some work, but he doesn't tell me. Not that I'm shocked, his inability to open up prevents it. I don't want to do anymore work, research, reading. I'm no longer interested, and to me that speaks volumes. I hope that the course will help him understand himself more so that he becomes more self aware to be able to move on from this. But I won't be by his side through that. I've given enough. I've done enough work. I'm not sacrificing anymore for someone who didn't think that his selfish actions could have serious consequences for me.
I'm so glad to read that you now know you've made the right decision. I'm sure there will be days when I have doubts, but I'm sure this will be the right decision for me too. Not dreading him coming home will be a weight off my shoulders. And you are so right about if we heard this story about someone else, we'd be saying to leave, get out, go. But until you're in an awful situation like this, you don't know how you'll react.
My husband blames only himself for what he's done, but I don't think he can fully see how his blaming his lack of physical interest in me on my weight has affected me. I'm not even that big! I don't think he's yet fully aware how his porn habit has affected his whole life since he started viewing it as a teenager. He's due to start the Inform Plus course soon, but he only registered when I got angry that he still hadn't. I've done so much work to try and understand why people do what he's done. He may have done some work, but he doesn't tell me. Not that I'm shocked, his inability to open up prevents it. I don't want to do anymore work, research, reading. I'm no longer interested, and to me that speaks volumes. I hope that the course will help him understand himself more so that he becomes more self aware to be able to move on from this. But I won't be by his side through that. I've given enough. I've done enough work. I'm not sacrificing anymore for someone who didn't think that his selfish actions could have serious consequences for me.