5 months on from the knock
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My OH was arrested in January, police gave full disclosure to me from the outset. They said it was 4 videos of iioc category A. He denied it from the very start and was distraught at everything that was happening.
We have a little one too and so of course ss got involved. Little one has been cp now for 3 months due to me believing my OH that he didn't do it and that someone got into his account on kik. (Dont judge me for believing him) they said it was our ip address but couldnt say what make and model it was phone. I was up and down in my thoughts and feelings as I wasn't sure if I should believe him or not knowing that if it was true I was putting little one in danger and that's the last thing I want to do. After many many discussions with him I started to realise that this just wasn't what he was like. There had been no red flags at all over the last 7 years we've been together. He's always had the same view on offenders for as long as I can remember and that is they deserve to rot in prison. He's openly said that if ss ever did decide to take legal action then he'll be gone because he would never let them take little one from me.
I was told by ss to not allow him unsupervised with little one and 3 months later he was asked to leave the home. they have done a risk assessment on OH but because he's denying it shes stuck at what she can do.
I have been asked to complete the inform programme which is a 2 month waiting list. I understand they need to do there job, im just mentally exhausted doing the best I can.
The way police handled it was odd, he was at the station for 5 hours, didmt find anything on his devices and let him go. Nfa and nothing else was said, just to get on with our lives but to count himself lucky.
Since January, our lives have been turned upside down, I've been a single mum and only having contact with little ones dad a few times a week which can be supervised me. Ss have no concerns that little one has or is being harmed but they have to go by probability. The cp plan has been extended for another 6 months but sw said it looks like he'll be coming home as long as a safety plan is kept in place. We've lost family members to this that have turned there back on us and it's been hard defending him but there are a lot of people that do believe he didn't do it because of the type of person he is.
How do I begin to move on? To try and get past the knock and the trauma that it's brought? I truly believe he's innocent, is that bad? Am I bad mother?
We have a little one too and so of course ss got involved. Little one has been cp now for 3 months due to me believing my OH that he didn't do it and that someone got into his account on kik. (Dont judge me for believing him) they said it was our ip address but couldnt say what make and model it was phone. I was up and down in my thoughts and feelings as I wasn't sure if I should believe him or not knowing that if it was true I was putting little one in danger and that's the last thing I want to do. After many many discussions with him I started to realise that this just wasn't what he was like. There had been no red flags at all over the last 7 years we've been together. He's always had the same view on offenders for as long as I can remember and that is they deserve to rot in prison. He's openly said that if ss ever did decide to take legal action then he'll be gone because he would never let them take little one from me.
I was told by ss to not allow him unsupervised with little one and 3 months later he was asked to leave the home. they have done a risk assessment on OH but because he's denying it shes stuck at what she can do.
I have been asked to complete the inform programme which is a 2 month waiting list. I understand they need to do there job, im just mentally exhausted doing the best I can.
The way police handled it was odd, he was at the station for 5 hours, didmt find anything on his devices and let him go. Nfa and nothing else was said, just to get on with our lives but to count himself lucky.
Since January, our lives have been turned upside down, I've been a single mum and only having contact with little ones dad a few times a week which can be supervised me. Ss have no concerns that little one has or is being harmed but they have to go by probability. The cp plan has been extended for another 6 months but sw said it looks like he'll be coming home as long as a safety plan is kept in place. We've lost family members to this that have turned there back on us and it's been hard defending him but there are a lot of people that do believe he didn't do it because of the type of person he is.
How do I begin to move on? To try and get past the knock and the trauma that it's brought? I truly believe he's innocent, is that bad? Am I bad mother?
Hi,
have you spoken much about why he was on Kik? Does he watch porn? I ask these questions because Kik is notorious for sharing porn and sometimes iioc are sent within bundles of legal porn. I think in your situation I'd be trying to have an open discussion about how watching porn leaves himself open to these kinds of things happening and if he does have an addiction to porn then now is the time to address it.
I found the inform course very helpful but my partner was guilty so I went into it with a different perspective to the one you have. It doesn't make you a bad mother to believe him, it's just important to recognise that there is still a risk that he may have sought out this material.
I'm sorry if my response gives you more questions than answers but I do think having these conversations is very important to help you to create your own boundaries and safety plan accordingly xxx
have you spoken much about why he was on Kik? Does he watch porn? I ask these questions because Kik is notorious for sharing porn and sometimes iioc are sent within bundles of legal porn. I think in your situation I'd be trying to have an open discussion about how watching porn leaves himself open to these kinds of things happening and if he does have an addiction to porn then now is the time to address it.
I found the inform course very helpful but my partner was guilty so I went into it with a different perspective to the one you have. It doesn't make you a bad mother to believe him, it's just important to recognise that there is still a risk that he may have sought out this material.
I'm sorry if my response gives you more questions than answers but I do think having these conversations is very important to help you to create your own boundaries and safety plan accordingly xxx
We've had discussions at length about everything. He hadn't used kik since before we got together and we are very open with our phones, I.e we know each other's passwords and im constantly on his as he forgets to send me photos of little one so I do it myself. And I have never seen anything suspicious.
He also hasn't watched porn for a very long time as In his eyes why would he need to when he has me.
I understand I am coming across as naive and I hate that, but I'm just trying my best to understand how, why, could it of been him by accident but he's too scared to tell the truth.
My question is is how can I be with a man when there's a potential risk there, is there a way of accepting the risk but still working through it. As social have said that even if I do accept it we can still be a family, becasue then I am more able to protect little as I recognise there's a risk but can I go on having to safegaurd little one for the rest of their life.
He also hasn't watched porn for a very long time as In his eyes why would he need to when he has me.
I understand I am coming across as naive and I hate that, but I'm just trying my best to understand how, why, could it of been him by accident but he's too scared to tell the truth.
My question is is how can I be with a man when there's a potential risk there, is there a way of accepting the risk but still working through it. As social have said that even if I do accept it we can still be a family, becasue then I am more able to protect little as I recognise there's a risk but can I go on having to safegaurd little one for the rest of their life.
They said it was our ip addrress.
I'm so sorry you're in this awful place Gettingby,
my partner of over 20yrs who I have a child with showed no red flags, I knew all his passwords and phone pin, he let me and our child use the phone, was never secretive or possessive about his phone. He was a good dad appeared to have morals and strong negative opinions on grooming, infidelity, violence against women etc. We had a good relationship or so I thought.
When arrested he said it was nothing to worry about, a misunderstanding, but they had evidence from the start so he couldnt deny it as it was our IP address (and it certainly wasn't me). Then he said he couldn't remember what chats he'd had on Kim but didn't think anything would show up on his phone. Wrong again; more lies, then there was a conversation....he'd thought it was a scammer so was "trolling them" (nope he was actually talking to a police decoy).
Before all this happened I would have (and did trust him with my life) everyone who knows has been genuinely shocked, and would never have believed it as it's so out of character. It's not the person we knew at all. In my worst nightmares I would never have thought he could do this; in hindsight I see it now, because of where we are now and I know he's already done it; and I now know how to spot the signs but back then no way; even if I'd been suspicious at the time I would have thought an affair, depression or gambling or......well anything other than this.
I hope it is all a mistake and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but this is not the type of thing you want to have happen a second time by accident or any other means. Many of them lie, are in denial or minimise what they've done. Please protect yourself as well as your family. You are not a bad mum for wanting to keep the family together because that's what we all want for our children a happy childhood a happy family. But now there's a cloud over that. Please make sure you have some big honest conversations because there's some risky behaviour that lead to this and your partner needs to make sure they're savvy on how to avoid this happening again. They need to keep themselves out of harms way and get offf kick and porn; get parental controls in place for the adults too if that will help if he's genuinely hopeless with online security. You need to be prepared to run for the hills if there's any indication that he's been lying. it's not worth the risk.
my partner of over 20yrs who I have a child with showed no red flags, I knew all his passwords and phone pin, he let me and our child use the phone, was never secretive or possessive about his phone. He was a good dad appeared to have morals and strong negative opinions on grooming, infidelity, violence against women etc. We had a good relationship or so I thought.
When arrested he said it was nothing to worry about, a misunderstanding, but they had evidence from the start so he couldnt deny it as it was our IP address (and it certainly wasn't me). Then he said he couldn't remember what chats he'd had on Kim but didn't think anything would show up on his phone. Wrong again; more lies, then there was a conversation....he'd thought it was a scammer so was "trolling them" (nope he was actually talking to a police decoy).
Before all this happened I would have (and did trust him with my life) everyone who knows has been genuinely shocked, and would never have believed it as it's so out of character. It's not the person we knew at all. In my worst nightmares I would never have thought he could do this; in hindsight I see it now, because of where we are now and I know he's already done it; and I now know how to spot the signs but back then no way; even if I'd been suspicious at the time I would have thought an affair, depression or gambling or......well anything other than this.
I hope it is all a mistake and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but this is not the type of thing you want to have happen a second time by accident or any other means. Many of them lie, are in denial or minimise what they've done. Please protect yourself as well as your family. You are not a bad mum for wanting to keep the family together because that's what we all want for our children a happy childhood a happy family. But now there's a cloud over that. Please make sure you have some big honest conversations because there's some risky behaviour that lead to this and your partner needs to make sure they're savvy on how to avoid this happening again. They need to keep themselves out of harms way and get offf kick and porn; get parental controls in place for the adults too if that will help if he's genuinely hopeless with online security. You need to be prepared to run for the hills if there's any indication that he's been lying. it's not worth the risk.
Thankyou for being so honest but and at same time not judging. I feel like people judge a lot when they don't know the true situation and ultimately dont know the family.
I get a lot of what your saying, it's similar to my story, I feel like there's a lot of conflicted emotions at the moment, I domt know where I stand, wanting to stand by my OH becasue I don't think he did it but also knowing that I do have to be aware of the risk that maybe he did it
And I know that dosenr make sense at all, nothing makes sense anymore. My OH isn't currently living in the house so I've had a lot of time to think, sometimes too much. It's going to take time I think and he is going to be doing a specialist risk assesment too and maybe a course but I'm not sure how that works when he's denying it.
Can he keep up the narrative he hasnt done it for so long. And also no other material has been found, not even a secret porn addiction. Or any form of concering stuff.
Even looking back now over the years I still haven't seen any behaviour that concerns me.
I get a lot of what your saying, it's similar to my story, I feel like there's a lot of conflicted emotions at the moment, I domt know where I stand, wanting to stand by my OH becasue I don't think he did it but also knowing that I do have to be aware of the risk that maybe he did it
And I know that dosenr make sense at all, nothing makes sense anymore. My OH isn't currently living in the house so I've had a lot of time to think, sometimes too much. It's going to take time I think and he is going to be doing a specialist risk assesment too and maybe a course but I'm not sure how that works when he's denying it.
Can he keep up the narrative he hasnt done it for so long. And also no other material has been found, not even a secret porn addiction. Or any form of concering stuff.
Even looking back now over the years I still haven't seen any behaviour that concerns me.
Hello,
Just to let you know if you hadnt heard of it, there is a code called Safer Lives course thar your husband could do. It's not a course about the actual offense, it's more about making sure your activity online is safe and isn't going to lead you into dangerous positions, like this. My husband did the course and it was hugely beneficial for him. It taught him about not taking risks online and explaining what these risks are. My husband's error was streming american football and using unsafe websites to do this. Now, my husband said all along that he had never seen the images that were found in his cache, he was aqquited of all charges after a trial. It was proven that he hadnt seen the images, but the websites and not being safe online had led them to being there unintentionally.
It might be worth your husband doing the course, as that, plus the trauma of going through all of this, had definitely taught my husband the dangers of the internet and helped him to become safe online!
Just to let you know if you hadnt heard of it, there is a code called Safer Lives course thar your husband could do. It's not a course about the actual offense, it's more about making sure your activity online is safe and isn't going to lead you into dangerous positions, like this. My husband did the course and it was hugely beneficial for him. It taught him about not taking risks online and explaining what these risks are. My husband's error was streming american football and using unsafe websites to do this. Now, my husband said all along that he had never seen the images that were found in his cache, he was aqquited of all charges after a trial. It was proven that he hadnt seen the images, but the websites and not being safe online had led them to being there unintentionally.
It might be worth your husband doing the course, as that, plus the trauma of going through all of this, had definitely taught my husband the dangers of the internet and helped him to become safe online!
Thankyou for your reply, I brought it up to my partner and he said he's willing to do it which is a positive.
He use to stream a lot of movies on websites that I hadn't even heard of and that in itself is dangerous. I've always said to him why don't you just use normal sites. His response is so he can watch it straight away rather than waiting to come out properly on streaming apps. So I think that course will be helpful to him.
He use to stream a lot of movies on websites that I hadn't even heard of and that in itself is dangerous. I've always said to him why don't you just use normal sites. His response is so he can watch it straight away rather than waiting to come out properly on streaming apps. So I think that course will be helpful to him.