Help needed moving forward
Notifications OFF
Hi
Firstly I am hoping someone will have some advice.
My husband has agreed to have something put on his phone so I can see what he has been up to. I did read a post here a while ago about an app that someone was using so they could each see what the other was doing. I don't have much clue about this kind of technology. Any advice on apps that you use of other things you have done would be much appreciated.
Secondly i wondered if anyone else's person is like mine.
My husband and I have reconciled 6months ago after being separated and not seeing 1 another for 2 years. He is the love of my life and I can't live without him. I barely exist without him.
In these 6 months I have checked his phone, without his knowledge 3 times.
2 months in he sent a D### pic to a woman he had been seeing.
2 weeks later I found out that he had been messaging and meeting that woman before we had gone our sperate ways. For at least 6 months. He says there was no sexual contact at that time.
1 month later he had been on random online chat. Apparently the are put in contact with a random person around the world to "chat".
This weekend I found that he had been on dating sites at least a year before the knock. He has recently been on an online random chat site again. He accidentally took a screen shot that proved it wasnt just "chat". There were also signs of chat about subjects that he should not have been involved in.
He obviously isnt only into illegal stuff. That is by far the worst. That doesn't mean that it's ok to do the other stuff as well though.
Does anyone else's person appear to be a sex addict. Even though he shows no strong signs of attraction to her?
Sorry that was so long. Any advice is gratefully received
Swecal x
Firstly I am hoping someone will have some advice.
My husband has agreed to have something put on his phone so I can see what he has been up to. I did read a post here a while ago about an app that someone was using so they could each see what the other was doing. I don't have much clue about this kind of technology. Any advice on apps that you use of other things you have done would be much appreciated.
Secondly i wondered if anyone else's person is like mine.
My husband and I have reconciled 6months ago after being separated and not seeing 1 another for 2 years. He is the love of my life and I can't live without him. I barely exist without him.
In these 6 months I have checked his phone, without his knowledge 3 times.
2 months in he sent a D### pic to a woman he had been seeing.
2 weeks later I found out that he had been messaging and meeting that woman before we had gone our sperate ways. For at least 6 months. He says there was no sexual contact at that time.
1 month later he had been on random online chat. Apparently the are put in contact with a random person around the world to "chat".
This weekend I found that he had been on dating sites at least a year before the knock. He has recently been on an online random chat site again. He accidentally took a screen shot that proved it wasnt just "chat". There were also signs of chat about subjects that he should not have been involved in.
He obviously isnt only into illegal stuff. That is by far the worst. That doesn't mean that it's ok to do the other stuff as well though.
Does anyone else's person appear to be a sex addict. Even though he shows no strong signs of attraction to her?
Sorry that was so long. Any advice is gratefully received
Swecal x
Swecal, I'm so sorry your husband has put you through all of this. I can't offer any advice about apps, as it's not something I'd do. The way I feel about them is that I'm not my husbands mother. If he's truly repentant then I should be able to trust him to never again reoffend. But I totally understand why some people use them. Its their choice.
If your husband is truly a sex addict then he needs to admit it and then get serious help. An app is not going to do that, its not addressing the real issue. If was in your position I'd run for the hills. This man has lied to you and snuck around behind your back for years, and if the police catch up to his illegal activity, he could bring you down with him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but its not something you can sugar coat. My husband is under investigation for downloading IIOC, which has occurred after having an unhealthy porn habit for most of his life. I had no idea. What he's put me though is unforgiveable, and what he's done to be a factor in enabling the continuation of child abuse is unforgivable. I thought he respected me and loved me, but by doing what he's done, he doesn't. He may think he does, but he's put his own twisted needs before mine. I'm not being dragged down by it. I'm advocating for myself, and I really hope you'll be able to do the same. Another person's repeated bad behaviour should not affect us.
If your husband is truly a sex addict then he needs to admit it and then get serious help. An app is not going to do that, its not addressing the real issue. If was in your position I'd run for the hills. This man has lied to you and snuck around behind your back for years, and if the police catch up to his illegal activity, he could bring you down with him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but its not something you can sugar coat. My husband is under investigation for downloading IIOC, which has occurred after having an unhealthy porn habit for most of his life. I had no idea. What he's put me though is unforgiveable, and what he's done to be a factor in enabling the continuation of child abuse is unforgivable. I thought he respected me and loved me, but by doing what he's done, he doesn't. He may think he does, but he's put his own twisted needs before mine. I'm not being dragged down by it. I'm advocating for myself, and I really hope you'll be able to do the same. Another person's repeated bad behaviour should not affect us.
Trust should be the mainstay of a relationship. If you are checking up on him - and I don't blame you - then you don't trust him.
It doesn't sound like he has changed or wants to change.
I know what I would do - and I did.
But everyone else is different.
It doesn't sound like he has changed or wants to change.
I know what I would do - and I did.
But everyone else is different.
Hi Swecal,
You are absolutely not alone. I would say nearly every person arrested has some kind of sex/porn addiction. For these men, continuing to act out/view legal porn is no different than an alcoholic who wants to keep having a drink once and a while. Sure, some can do it but for most it's not healthy.
If your husband wants help there are groups like sex addicts anonymous that are free. If he's not willing to give up his behaviour than you will need to decide what you are willing/not willing to tolerate. You can love someone with all your heart but you need to love yourself too. I hope he decides to get help.
Take care
You are absolutely not alone. I would say nearly every person arrested has some kind of sex/porn addiction. For these men, continuing to act out/view legal porn is no different than an alcoholic who wants to keep having a drink once and a while. Sure, some can do it but for most it's not healthy.
If your husband wants help there are groups like sex addicts anonymous that are free. If he's not willing to give up his behaviour than you will need to decide what you are willing/not willing to tolerate. You can love someone with all your heart but you need to love yourself too. I hope he decides to get help.
Take care
Yes, in my case the police turning up uncovered at least 13 years of online & offline infidelity. He'd also run up considerable debts paying for cam girls. I had no idea! Absolutely none. Funnily enough, the forensics suggest he is probably broadly telling the truth when he denies any sustained interest in under-18s & had just been extremely undiscriminating on Kik (its always Kik isn't it?). Though the police did find he had been secretly filming me. Fun times!
Anyway, this 'man' is not the love of your life. He just isn't. You are worth so so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. And you can live without him. I would have said the same before the police showed up. In my case he had to move out as we had children together, and I learnt in the process that I very much COULD live without him. It was horribly hard it first - it's very much a grieving process. I felt like I was grieving someone who'd died - but it WILL get better. You will do it. You managed before.
Anyway, this 'man' is not the love of your life. He just isn't. You are worth so so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. And you can live without him. I would have said the same before the police showed up. In my case he had to move out as we had children together, and I learnt in the process that I very much COULD live without him. It was horribly hard it first - it's very much a grieving process. I felt like I was grieving someone who'd died - but it WILL get better. You will do it. You managed before.
Swecal
I'm so sorry your partner has put you in this position. Unfortunately my advice may not be what you want to hear....you can put the all the apps on his phone, check it non stop and send him details of all the support groups you can find. But he has to put the effort in. Online chat is a massive big red flag for online sex addicts and offenders and those who have been unfaithful in the past. He's a grown man and must accept that what he has done is wrong, disrespectful to you and he needs to stop. He needs to figure out why he is doing this and put changes in place to prevent him going down this route again. That is not your responsibility, you haven't done anything wrong and it is not up to you to fix his mess. Support him if he acknowledges it is an issue and he wants to change....REALLY wants to, but this situation is hard and unfair enough on the non-offending partner already without you having totally babysit them. You deserve better and so far he's not showing signs of trying to do, or be better.
I'm so sorry your partner has put you in this position. Unfortunately my advice may not be what you want to hear....you can put the all the apps on his phone, check it non stop and send him details of all the support groups you can find. But he has to put the effort in. Online chat is a massive big red flag for online sex addicts and offenders and those who have been unfaithful in the past. He's a grown man and must accept that what he has done is wrong, disrespectful to you and he needs to stop. He needs to figure out why he is doing this and put changes in place to prevent him going down this route again. That is not your responsibility, you haven't done anything wrong and it is not up to you to fix his mess. Support him if he acknowledges it is an issue and he wants to change....REALLY wants to, but this situation is hard and unfair enough on the non-offending partner already without you having totally babysit them. You deserve better and so far he's not showing signs of trying to do, or be better.
Thank you all for the support. It is so nice to know I'm not as alone as I feel.
Thank you all x
Thank you all x