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ChocolateOrange

Member since
June 2025

7 posts

My daughter got the first knock 3 years ago. As with many on here, she believed her partner (now ex) when he denied any wrongdoing. And with no evidence she had every reason to believe him. He was charged after the 3rd knock and pleaded guilty a few weeks ago.

My daughter has been struggling with the break-up and the loss of trust to the point where she has needed time off work. To enable her to get the space she needed she disclosed what has been going on for her to her manager. My daughter supports Children & Young People as a social prescriber so she was asked the question 'did your partner have access to any of those young people'. Her immediate reaponse was 'absolutely not'.



Her manager seemed very supportive of the situation and signed her off for 2 weeks on compassionate leave. Did a referral to occupational health and suggested she did her own referral to talking therapies. Whilst on leave she then receuved an email to her personal email with a letter attached requesting she went into work for an investigation meeting due to 'Breach of trust / confidence due to non-disclosure'



No explanation just a request to come in on her time off because the meeting needed to take place before her manager went on leave! Then a number of text messages to her personal phone requesting she replied as a matter of urgency.



After speaking to the OT she responded to the email saying she couldn't go into work whilst on compassionate leave. So now her manager has replied saying she"s suspended from work pending an iinvestigation.



Is it me? Where is the trauma informed care here? Knowing what my daughter has been going through. The knock, the shame. Is this victim shaming at ut's best? Yes her partner not only attempted sexual communication with a minor but shared an indecent image and video he had taken of my daughter, unbeknown to her.

I understand there are policies and procedures to follow so I just wanted to know if this had happened to anyone else. How did you approach it? She is being called in for a meeting on Thurs and her union rep is unavailable. Can she postpone it?



She just wants to get it over with as she's currently off work and feeling pretty down, with no reason to get up, amd still struggling to come to terms with what has happened with her relationship.....the person she loved and trusted.



Any help or thoughts very much appreciated as I try to support her through this

Posted Mon June 23, 2025 4:46pmReport post

Lrf

Member since
July 2024

122 posts

If it is a disciplinary hearing then she has the right to be accompanied by a trade union representative and can ask for a postponement on those grounds, if she is refused she should refer her employer to ACAS guidelines on grievance and disciplinary proceedings and remind them that it is in both of their best interests that these proceedings are carried out fairly and in accordance with official guidelines.

Now I'm not sure how non disclosure is classed when you are not the offending party, but generally what is expected is that the employee refer themselves to a regulating body or safeguarding procedures or a fitness to practice hearing as soon as possible if they believe there is even the possibility that their ability to safeguard children may be compromised. It might be worth looking at her contract and requesting her employers safeguarding policies. Email her manager and cc HR in asking politely for them to highlight any policies or rules breached or a clear reason why they have suspended her before the meeting so that she can prepare to answer them, they may not do this but it's worth an ask. The first meeting is usually a fact finding meeting where they will ask a series of questions to determine if there has been misconduct or a breach of contract. Unfortunately whilst they should exercise compassion when you are employed it is a legal contract that you agree to abide by all company policies in line with this legal contract and if there is a breach then they are able to follow disciplinary proceedings.

Make sure that all communication from this point onwards is written, do not discuss this on the phone so that you have a paper trail. Make sure that if she does decide not to a have a rep with her that she is accompanied by yourself or a friend so that there is a witness to the proceedings. Request the minutes of each metinftare recorded and provided to her.

Posted Mon June 23, 2025 5:03pm
Edited Mon June 23, 2025 5:07pmReport post

Prashanth

Member since
May 2025

40 posts

How long as she worked in the company?

Please ensure all tye minutes are captured, printed and both parties signed as no changes made thereafter ( this is inportant)

Posted Mon June 23, 2025 9:11pmReport post

Tryingtobebrave

Member since
July 2024

36 posts

I also work with children, which I told the police on the day of my ex arrest. They put a referral straight into LADO, which I thought was standard in this situation. Did no one put a referral in? X

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 7:10amReport post

ChocolateOrange

Member since
June 2025

7 posts

Thanks for the replies. Sorry, just had to google LADO. Not aware of a referral. The police took a contact for her employer and said they would get in touch if they needed to. No contact wqs made that we know of.



A referral to rhe LADO by someone else makes perfect sense as its so hard for a victim to speak up. Her head at the time was probably all over the place and this is added pressure on an already difficult situation when you still don't believe the person you love could have done such a thing. It certainly takes the pressure of, an authority figure speaking on on her behalf if that is what needed to be done at the time.

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 7:16am
Edited Tue June 24, 2025 7:28amReport post

ChocolateOrange

Member since
June 2025

7 posts

I understand that a contract may have been breached and that her employer has policies and procedures in place that they need to follow but I'm really struggling with the ripple effect that can come from one person's actions. My daughter has already lost her home as she's had to move out as it was her partner's house. She is currently living with us and the thought she may lose her job too, through no fault of her own, though if you look at policies it could be her fault, is just heartbreaking

Are there any positives to come out of this horrible situation?

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 7:21amReport post

Lrf

Member since
July 2024

122 posts

I totally agree with you, in my opinion this crime is misogyny personified, women are punished immeasurably for a crime that they did not commit and did not consent to someone bringing into their lives all so that men could satisfy a gross sexual need, there need to masturbate/satisfy dopamine cravings is not an excuse to destroy the lives of the women around them and feed the child pornography industry although often this 'addiction' theory let's it be treated that way. Men continue to feel entitled and superior to women seeing us as excess collateral damage, if they held respect and care for us then they would never risk our lives in this way.

We are left as single parents, financially burdened, careers lost/seriously affected, mental health issues, dealing with social services/police/schools, shame and stigamitisation from media publication.

Whilst the men often go on to lead single, independent lives able to work full time with no caring responsibility and often with lots of access to therapy and support from a range of services. It is madness and so unjust and so unfair.

So I totally agree and my post before was not to say they shouldnt be compassionate, it is in no way her fault, I disclosed to my employer straight away, offered to refer myself to a fitness to practice hearing and left my partner on the day of the knock and I believe this was why I didnt face any outside referral other than a check in with HR. That's why I don't know the specifics involved in non disclosure.

However what I was trying to say is that if you are aware of the contract and aware of the policies before the meeting there could potentially be answers you could prepare that may minimise the damage. For example if the policy is not explicit in its wording about what procedures should be followed you could claim to have not been aware that you needed to disclose as a non offending party related to an offender. If they explain that because you didn't disclose XYZ they fear there is a risk that XYZ has happened then you could explain the steps you took to ensure that the risk was minimised.

She'll probably need to apologise, take accountability and also it would be helpful for her to have identified how she can improve her future ability to safeguard (like a safety plan but for her job)

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 10:42amReport post

ChocolateOrange

Member since
June 2025

7 posts

Thank you for your response Lrf. I really do appreciate it and it is helping me make sense of it all and support her as best I can. I will definitely be passong on your thoughts because I agree, she needs to be as prepared as possible for the meeting

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 11:13amReport post

Stan cat

Member since
October 2024

97 posts

I think it's very unfair that we get treated so badly for something we haven't done or unlikely to do. I lost my job as a community nurse because of what my OH did they said I couldn't be trusted to work in the community And I was accused of all sorts of things it was so unfair. unfortunately employers seem to take a really dim view on what your partners do in case it's like this I think they're worried that it will have a detrimental effect on them too and despite going to my union and getting support from them I did end up losing my job

I do have a new job now which may not be quite as fulfilling as my old one but unfortunately it is what it is and it is a horrible place to be in especially as you feel like everybody at work knows your business and is talking about you so make sure you stand up for yourself and don't let them walk all over you sending you hugs xx

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 3:15pmReport post

Holdingthegrenade

Member since
June 2024

255 posts

My scenario is different as I informed my work straight away but I wanted to share to say it's not always the case that you'll lose your job.

I told my manager immediately as I got a phone call from the police station literally as I walked through the door of the office. I have one of those expressive faces that practically gives off subtitles. They immediately put me on emergency leave whilst I found out what was going on. Later said they wouldn't refer to LADO as I'd been honest and upfront with them through the whole time off, and they knew me personally and professionally and would support me because they know it would not affect my ability to do my job in terms of safeguarding (plus I'm not directly involved with vulnerable people....just supporting other staff who are). They also supported me via occ health referral and with time off due to sickness (stress and anxiety-my GP signed me off as I wasn't sleeping and couldn't function). Looking back I probably had PTD as I was forgetting things like my keys and losing things because I was struggling so much with the shock and all the sudden stress of what I had to do in the early days. I didn't eat or sleep and was anxious and jumpy, I was also very withdrawn not wanting to see anyone or leave the house out of fear of someone spotting me and asking why I wasn't at work. I would also shake uncontrollably whenever I had to discuss the offending or meet with social workers about our child.

The idea of losing my job and my home on top of everything else was pretty awful; but my manager confirmed there were no internal policies that meant that was necessary and I would not be punished for something someone else had done and I didn't know about. This was not my crime and not my fault. Only if I was seeing vulnerable people in my home or bringing my person with me to work (which I don't) would it have been an issue and they still would have supported me throughout any type of referral anyway.

it sounds like your daughter is having a really tough time of it but I'm sure with the support of her fantastic mum she absolutely will come through this; she'll find strength she never knew she had.

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 9:03pm
Edited Tue June 24, 2025 9:05pmReport post

Tryingtobebrave

Member since
July 2024

36 posts

If the police were given info on her employer then it should be up to them to make a referral if they had concerns.



Make sure she postponed the meeting until union can be there.



I had to move back with my parents and feared for my job but a year later I'm living in my own house and job is safe so tell her things will get better xx

Posted Tue June 24, 2025 9:40pmReport post

Secretsquirrel

Member since
June 2025

12 posts

I'm sorry to hear this, it's really not fair for those of us who have done nothing wrong to be penalised when we are also victims in all of this.

When the police came, I gave them details of my job and said I was worried about it because although I'm a community carer, I do occasionally look after children with additional needs. Once the search was done, the oic arrested my partner and said both myself and girls were all cleared. (my eldest works with me) The day after I called work, clearly upset down the phone so management were aware of the situation. They imediately took me off rota for 2 weeks and gave office staff strict instructions not to contact me. I'm so glad I was honest because the oic invited my boss to a meeting with themselves, CS and my daughter's school!

Had a back to work meeting yesterday and they queried if I'm ready to go back, I said I need to because I'm climbing the walls at home and I miss my ladies. Thankfully both bosses have told me that they are supporting me.

I do hope the meeting goes well for your daughter, she has already gone through enough trauma to have to deal with this as well. Keep us updated x

Posted Fri June 27, 2025 2:24pmReport post

ChocolateOrange

Member since
June 2025

7 posts

Posting an update. My daughter's work wouldn't allow anyone in the meeting with her other than a colleague (she didn't trust any colleague and didn't want other colleagues knowing her personal business). She'd asked work to reconsider given they signed her off on compassionate leave and had a duty of care for her wellbeing.

The meeting was on Mon and lasted all of 10 mins. When asked what would happen next, she was told by the manager she didn't know and had to speak to HR. She has finally received an email today saying they are starting the disciplinary procedure. Stating:

* Taking part in activities which cause the company to lose faith in your integrity namely, alleged non-disclosure of police arresting your partner. Further particulars being that it is alleged that the police have arrested your partner for allegations of sexual abuse of children. The company alleges that if proven this matter represents a gross breach of trust.

* It is alleged that you have caused a lack of trust and confidence by failing to inform the business of the allegations made from the police and your involvement with the allegations. The company alleges that if proven this matter represents a gross breach of trust.

* It is alleged that the acts could cause the reputation or integrity of **** to be compromised or bring the company into disrepute. The company alleges that if proven this matter represents a gross breach of trust.

If these allegations are substantiated, we will regard them as gross misconduct and if you are not able to provide a satisfactory explanation; your employment may be terminated without notice. I feel that it is only fair to point out to you if the allegations are not upheld as Gross Misconduct, then the outcome of this meeting could be the termination of your employment for some other substantial reason, namely a breakdown in trust and confidence.

It reads as though she had some involvement in her ex-paetners behaviour - attempting sexual communication with a minor - rather than being one of his victims. He had no access to her devices which where password protect and the police had her work number if they needed to contact them for anything

Reading all of that makes me think she stands no chance whatsoever!! She's lost her partner, her home (it was his house so she's the one who has had to move out) and its looking likely she will now lose her job too. Why?

Posted Fri July 4, 2025 10:18pmReport post

Webb89

Member since
July 2022

533 posts

Firstly i would ask for the minutes of the meeting. As it was an official meeting this should have been done. Secondly, she needs to note dates of everything. For example, when she told her employer, when they held the meeting and that she was on compassionate leave at the time and that she asked for a delay and was refused. This proves that your daughter was not in the right head space to fully be able to defend herself. Did she state she wanted a union representation and? If yes, then they should have delayed the meeting until this point. They conducted the meeting when it was convenient for them, ie before a manager went on leave, but this is not how it should be done. They should provide your daughter with their terms and conditions and outline what she has actually done wrong. Lastly, I would make an appointment with the citizens advice bureau. They have loads of advice concerning employment law. If no joy there then it might be worth speaking to a employment lawyer. Now, a lot of employers have this facility through their employment, so it would be worth looking that up. And get a doctors note saying she is unwell. This will help with the fact they have bulldozed her while she unable to defend herself. If they say she has done something wrong, then they have to have facts and not just opinions. Please get her to speak to her union rep, now, even though the meeting has taken place they can still put in a complaint. The union rep will take up the fight for her while she is recovering. When my OH was on remand, they held a dispilinary meeting and did it within days. Though i knew the outcome would be the same, i outlined all the rules they had broken, and at least gave my OH a chance to explain. Hope this helps.

Posted Mon July 7, 2025 1:10pm
Edited Mon July 7, 2025 1:16pmReport post

ChocolateOrange

Member since
June 2025

7 posts

Thanks everyone for your replies. Very helpful.

She has spoken to her union rep who can't attend the meeting on the date stated so she has contacted work to let them know. She has also made them aware there are inaccuarcies in the notes from the meeting which she is going to amend and send back to them for both parties to sign and agree. She took a recording, with their permission (I'm very suprised they agreed this but I actually think the manager doing the meetings has no clue and is just being told by HR what to do). Which leads me on to something else. Data protection. She actually disclosed the info to work in confidence when she was in a particularly vulnerable state. Since then a number of other colleagues have been involved in this whole process including her manager and another colleague (as her work attached copies of statements from them with the disciplinary letter) HR, admin (note taker) and chief exec who has issued the disciplinary letter with the allegations against her.

She has a list as long as her arm of grievences which she is yet to submit. ACAS who she spoke to today are sending her guidance on this. ACAS also informed her she wouldn't be able to claim unfair dismisal as she hasn't quite been in post 2 years (3 months short).

As someone has already said - it is unclear what policy she has broken. We've assumed from the info they've said (she keeps asking for clarity) and words such as non-disclosure that it is because she didn't inform work straight away. But where is the policy that says what the timecales are? Which policy has she broken? She doesn't have access to any policies to even check because they took her laptop off her when she went on compassionate leave.

So is it there opinion or is there evidence she's done something wrong? And if she needs to provide evidence of what she's done, how does she get that when she doesn't know what it is? The police didn't feel a need to take her work laptop but took her work number and said they would get in touch with work if there was a need. How can she get evidence of this as at present its all just her spoken words.

There are also press restricions in place and my daughter feels its not her case so she couldn't disclose. Is this the case? Wkuld this be evidence as to why she didn't say something straight away? Never mind where her head was at at the time - we're trying to remove feelings and emotions and go with facts here.

Were children & young people put at risk? We don't believe they were but again, how can she get evidence of this to fight her case? The only way her partner could have access to her work was through a password protected laptop.

Will the organisations name be put into disripute because of this? Who knows but actually it could be worse for them if she puts in a complaint against them.

Anything else we should be thinking / questioning at this point?

I'm considering the pros and cons of her resigning. All for this for her wellbeing as she's really not in a good place but I worry about her future with all of this. Will she get a reference and what might be the implications of having a record of 'dismisal due to gross misconduct' for future employment.

I have so many mixed emotions on this journey but anger has definitely been present these last few days. Particulalry when her ex-parters father tells his son he doesn't owe her anything......when she's lost the person she loved, her home (the house was in his name) and likely her job and he's going to work like nothing has happened!! Sorry, I don't mean to rant as thats not helpful but I don't know where else to say it where people understand.

Posted Tue July 8, 2025 2:56pmReport post

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