I think I may be deluded
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I have recently got back together with my husband after a 2 year separation.
It's been 6 months and he hasn't moved in yet due to work and his tenancy agreement.
In that 6 months he has been online on chat groups and individuals messaging about things related to sex. I don't think these related to IIOC as they had previously. I don't know that for sure though, the worry is there.
I think because I want him and our family back together so badly, I may be deluding myself that it can work. So far it's just been hit after hit. I've also found out that he was cheating on me before the knock came.
He has begun to work through the modules and says he will then call about starting therapy through stop it now. He is making the effort to talk about his feelings and being more open with me. He has admitted that it's the secretive aspect that he finds sexual gratification from. I certainly don't do it for him. I won't ever be able to provide that. I'm his wife, the very opposite of a secret.
It's just not fair that the person I love keeps hurting me. It tortures me that he engaged in anything that was related to IIOC. I have always been very protective of children in my family or my friends. The fact that I can love someone that was involved in that kind of bad stuff, it makes my brain scrambled. It has taken me 2 years to get my head around the fact that he got lost somehow and that's where he ended up. 2 years to understand that he isn't just a p###ert. He lost me (apparently the only person he's ever loved), he lost his home and our children. Now I have given him the opportunity to have it all back and I'm not sure he is capable of it. It's just constant hurt and heartbreak. From being on dating apps 5 years ago to sending a d### pic a couple of months ago to a woman he was seeing while we were separated. I sent him a voice note of me explaining how hurt and heartbroken I am, how I'm terrified what he's going to do next, whilst crying. He was on an anonymous "chat" site that same day engaging in a sexual act.
Can he actually change? Wouldn't be have done it by now if he was going to?
I just want him and my life back so much that I still have hope. Around the pain, heartbreak, horror, anxiety and desperation for escape from my own head, I stupidly still hope he can be what I want.
He was my 1st and only boyfriend at 16. We were married for 21 years before the knock. He is the only man I have ever been interested in. I'm not a whole person without him. I don't want to be here without him. I have had lots of therapy since the knock but I still come back to the point of, aside from my children, I just want him. I hate myself for it.
On 1 level, I know I'm a complete idiot. I just can't let go of that tiny sliver of hope that he could change.
I hope everyone else is coping and finding some enjoyment in life, no matter how small x
It's been 6 months and he hasn't moved in yet due to work and his tenancy agreement.
In that 6 months he has been online on chat groups and individuals messaging about things related to sex. I don't think these related to IIOC as they had previously. I don't know that for sure though, the worry is there.
I think because I want him and our family back together so badly, I may be deluding myself that it can work. So far it's just been hit after hit. I've also found out that he was cheating on me before the knock came.
He has begun to work through the modules and says he will then call about starting therapy through stop it now. He is making the effort to talk about his feelings and being more open with me. He has admitted that it's the secretive aspect that he finds sexual gratification from. I certainly don't do it for him. I won't ever be able to provide that. I'm his wife, the very opposite of a secret.
It's just not fair that the person I love keeps hurting me. It tortures me that he engaged in anything that was related to IIOC. I have always been very protective of children in my family or my friends. The fact that I can love someone that was involved in that kind of bad stuff, it makes my brain scrambled. It has taken me 2 years to get my head around the fact that he got lost somehow and that's where he ended up. 2 years to understand that he isn't just a p###ert. He lost me (apparently the only person he's ever loved), he lost his home and our children. Now I have given him the opportunity to have it all back and I'm not sure he is capable of it. It's just constant hurt and heartbreak. From being on dating apps 5 years ago to sending a d### pic a couple of months ago to a woman he was seeing while we were separated. I sent him a voice note of me explaining how hurt and heartbroken I am, how I'm terrified what he's going to do next, whilst crying. He was on an anonymous "chat" site that same day engaging in a sexual act.
Can he actually change? Wouldn't be have done it by now if he was going to?
I just want him and my life back so much that I still have hope. Around the pain, heartbreak, horror, anxiety and desperation for escape from my own head, I stupidly still hope he can be what I want.
He was my 1st and only boyfriend at 16. We were married for 21 years before the knock. He is the only man I have ever been interested in. I'm not a whole person without him. I don't want to be here without him. I have had lots of therapy since the knock but I still come back to the point of, aside from my children, I just want him. I hate myself for it.
On 1 level, I know I'm a complete idiot. I just can't let go of that tiny sliver of hope that he could change.
I hope everyone else is coping and finding some enjoyment in life, no matter how small x
I think your first step is really building up a 'you' apart from him, and thinking about what that 'you' is worth. Because I can guarantee you that you are worth so much more than this. This isn't what you were put on this earth for.
Firstly, you are NOT an idiot.
I'm biased and can only speak from what I've been through. I decided very early on that I couldn't remain married to a Ped****e so we divorced within the first year following the knock. I did however decide to "support" him for my children's sakes who adore him. I wanted to make sure he got out of prison alive. In the meantime he lost everything and I even ended up homeless with my son. When he got out, I let him back into our lives, as a Dad and my friend. We'd been in each others lives for over 30 years. I completely believed he'd never put us all through this sh*t again given as we'd been through Hell and the fact he'd been to prison. I was so wrong. He reoffended and has just been sent back to prison. I've lost everything because of that man including my physical and mental health.
I strongly urge you not to let your person back into your life in any major capacity until he's proved to you that he's done ALL the work, the therapy - everything - and that he's no longer engaging in any way with his previous hurtful and dangerous behaviour. We've only got one shot at this life. Do you really want to spend it looking over your shoulder all the time waiting for the next nightmare? What if you get back with him, invest many more years in him and he does it all again? In the meantime you could've gone on to learn to value yourself and meet someone who would treat you how you deserve to be treated, but you missed out on that because you got back with your ex? To me, he certainly hasn't done enough to prove to you that he wants change, that he never wants to hurt you again? X
I'm biased and can only speak from what I've been through. I decided very early on that I couldn't remain married to a Ped****e so we divorced within the first year following the knock. I did however decide to "support" him for my children's sakes who adore him. I wanted to make sure he got out of prison alive. In the meantime he lost everything and I even ended up homeless with my son. When he got out, I let him back into our lives, as a Dad and my friend. We'd been in each others lives for over 30 years. I completely believed he'd never put us all through this sh*t again given as we'd been through Hell and the fact he'd been to prison. I was so wrong. He reoffended and has just been sent back to prison. I've lost everything because of that man including my physical and mental health.
I strongly urge you not to let your person back into your life in any major capacity until he's proved to you that he's done ALL the work, the therapy - everything - and that he's no longer engaging in any way with his previous hurtful and dangerous behaviour. We've only got one shot at this life. Do you really want to spend it looking over your shoulder all the time waiting for the next nightmare? What if you get back with him, invest many more years in him and he does it all again? In the meantime you could've gone on to learn to value yourself and meet someone who would treat you how you deserve to be treated, but you missed out on that because you got back with your ex? To me, he certainly hasn't done enough to prove to you that he wants change, that he never wants to hurt you again? X
Oh Swecal, you are not an idiot at all. You say you don't feel whole without this man, but since a young age you haven't known anything different in a relationship. You have no other point of reference as to how a respectful, trustworthy, loving, open relationship can be. And I think it's about time you did know. From all you've written, your husband has hurt, betrayed and disrespected you for far too long. Is his intention to get therapy and be more open too little too late? For me, it absolutely would be. Since the knock happened to me in early February I've been grieving for the life I had and the future that was no longer going to happen. It really hurts, but I'm not going to open myself up to further heartbreak. We both need to take back control and power for ourselves. We need to learn to be who we are without these idiot men, and in time, we can. Be strong, don't quit on yourself by not quitting this man. He doesnt deserve your love and energy .
Swecal your post is heartbreaking. You are not an idiot, you are a loving human being. I can't advise you other than to say, be kind to you. Imagine a dear friend told you this story about themselves. How would you help them, what would you say? x
Oh swecal
We all want to see the good in people and help the ones we love recover, there's nothing foolish in that. The whole point of prevention is via rehabilitation. However I think it's very shortsighted of him to think that as someone previously in trouble for IOC he has been in sex chat apps....it's a very slippery slope. It's also really disrespectful and selfish that after all the hurt he caused first time round he hasn't tried to modify or change his behaviours.
i saw something today that said when people show you who they are....pay attention. I think it's a Maya Angelou quote.
please look after yourself and protect yourself with boundaries; sex chat apps would definitely be a red flag for me.
We all want to see the good in people and help the ones we love recover, there's nothing foolish in that. The whole point of prevention is via rehabilitation. However I think it's very shortsighted of him to think that as someone previously in trouble for IOC he has been in sex chat apps....it's a very slippery slope. It's also really disrespectful and selfish that after all the hurt he caused first time round he hasn't tried to modify or change his behaviours.
i saw something today that said when people show you who they are....pay attention. I think it's a Maya Angelou quote.
please look after yourself and protect yourself with boundaries; sex chat apps would definitely be a red flag for me.
My husband had an affair early on in my marriage. I forgave him.
Multiple times he threatened to leave over our lack of sex life.
Then the knock.
I don't regret ending my long marriage. The trust was gone and could never be rebuilt. I don't think the offending ever goes away.
Just my opinion.
But I'm far better off now.
Multiple times he threatened to leave over our lack of sex life.
Then the knock.
I don't regret ending my long marriage. The trust was gone and could never be rebuilt. I don't think the offending ever goes away.
Just my opinion.
But I'm far better off now.