Will life ever be the same again?
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We got the knock in August 2024. I am one of the minority here maybe or atleast I think so that chose to stay with my husband. He was arrested after the vigilante group that had been chatting to him in decoy, recorded and put in on social media. Life changed that moment. Nothing has been the same but we are both having counselling and going through the motions of rebuilding. Husband had his 2nd interview in February when we were told all that has been found was conversations with the decoys, no images. Social services left us alone in February 2025. We have decided to move nearer family. I have a 11 year and 3 year old. School didn't provide any support for us as a family, banned my husband from coming onto school ground. We are moving and yesterday I had a meeting with son's secondary school, where he will start in September. They are looking into whether husband will be allowed to visit meetings etc. Nursery haven't quite decided either. Whilst we were hoping for a fresh start, I have had a very low 24 hours thinking this will never leave us, not doubting my decision but not finding that strength that I have always managed to find. Husband has also been jobless and not sure where to start looking for a job. Would anyone provide him an opportunity to start afresh? He was in the legal field but will do anything now. No idea when court will be but just want to be able to rebuild. Anyone out there got any advice, any experience of jobs whilst waiting for court, experiences with schools, any similar cases out there where there were no images but decoy conversations and how long court took, what the outcome was?
Holding on to every string of hope but just feeling a bit down I guess.
Sorry I feel like I have rambled but just looking for someone to tell me it does get better, even if with time.
Holding on to every string of hope but just feeling a bit down I guess.
Sorry I feel like I have rambled but just looking for someone to tell me it does get better, even if with time.
Hi Mashaal, I'm sorry to know you're struggling at the moment, although I'm in a different position to you in that I'm here because of my son I can share with you his experiences.
My son was convicted of sexual communication, his case took 22 months from his arrest to sentencing. He received a 2 year suspended sentence, 10 year SHPO and SOR. One of the restrictions in his SHPO is no unsupervised contact with anyone under the age of 18 years. He lost his job following plea hearing and has struggled to find work where under 18 years are either not employed or where he wouldn't be working alone with them. He's currently working in a minimum wage, zero hours job, it's nothing like the well paid job he'd had, but it's a job which enables him to provide for his children.
His children's school have a policy regarding sex offenders and following his sentencing he was not allowed on the school grounds. However, after about 6 months his police offender manager approached the school on my sons behalf and gained the schools approval to allow him to go onto the school grounds, with supervision, to meet his children from school. Since then he has attended meetings at the school with his children's teachers, watched his children in their Christmas concerts and attend sports days.
My sons case hit the media after both plea hearing and sentencing and at the time he felt as if he'd never be able to leave the house again. His marriage ended, he lost his home, family life and well paid job. But 22 months on he is living life again, his children adore him and spend weekends and school holidays with him (under supervision) he has a job, (even though he needs more hours) he goes to school events, plays football and attends the gym. Life will never be what it was prior to his arrest but it's good in a different way.
I know how difficult this journey is, how hard it is to find the strength to keep going but life will get easier, Keep holding on to hope. Life got better for us and it'll get better for you too, I promise.
My son was convicted of sexual communication, his case took 22 months from his arrest to sentencing. He received a 2 year suspended sentence, 10 year SHPO and SOR. One of the restrictions in his SHPO is no unsupervised contact with anyone under the age of 18 years. He lost his job following plea hearing and has struggled to find work where under 18 years are either not employed or where he wouldn't be working alone with them. He's currently working in a minimum wage, zero hours job, it's nothing like the well paid job he'd had, but it's a job which enables him to provide for his children.
His children's school have a policy regarding sex offenders and following his sentencing he was not allowed on the school grounds. However, after about 6 months his police offender manager approached the school on my sons behalf and gained the schools approval to allow him to go onto the school grounds, with supervision, to meet his children from school. Since then he has attended meetings at the school with his children's teachers, watched his children in their Christmas concerts and attend sports days.
My sons case hit the media after both plea hearing and sentencing and at the time he felt as if he'd never be able to leave the house again. His marriage ended, he lost his home, family life and well paid job. But 22 months on he is living life again, his children adore him and spend weekends and school holidays with him (under supervision) he has a job, (even though he needs more hours) he goes to school events, plays football and attends the gym. Life will never be what it was prior to his arrest but it's good in a different way.
I know how difficult this journey is, how hard it is to find the strength to keep going but life will get easier, Keep holding on to hope. Life got better for us and it'll get better for you too, I promise.
Thank you for your reply. It is reassuring to know that there are jobs there. We don't need it to be well paid, just a job.
Also good to know that there was an option for appealing the school's decision. Hopefully we will be able to.
Do you mind me asking if there were restrictions whilst on bail/when they were being investigated? We have no restrictions and he's been allowed to stay in the family home but imagine every case will be different.
I am pleased in a way that it does get easier, after a while.
Also good to know that there was an option for appealing the school's decision. Hopefully we will be able to.
Do you mind me asking if there were restrictions whilst on bail/when they were being investigated? We have no restrictions and he's been allowed to stay in the family home but imagine every case will be different.
I am pleased in a way that it does get easier, after a while.
And also wanted to add, I am glad to hear it did get better for you also. Thank u for sharing
Hi, although there were no bail restrictions there were restructions put in place by Social services. Social services put a no unsupervised contact with his children restriction in place and also put the children on a child protection plan. They remained on the plan until my sons ex wife informed SS they were divorcing. Once SS knew he would not be moving back in they changed the plan to child in need before finally closing the case.
He moved out and back home with me on the night of his arrest so I don't know whether there would have been the option of continuing to live at home if that had been what he and his ex wife had wanted.
He moved out and back home with me on the night of his arrest so I don't know whether there would have been the option of continuing to live at home if that had been what he and his ex wife had wanted.
There are lots of leavers on here at the moment, when I joined this club it felt like predominately people who had stayed.
anyway, knock was October 2022; I stayed with my husband, we have come through sentencing and media attention. Things are as back to normal as I would want them to be, he has a job, most of our friends and family have stuck by us.
he has had lots therapy, done the inform course and lost three jobs along the way, not been easy but we are stronger for it.
please have hope. My children were 13 and 11 and they have not let this define them
xxx
anyway, knock was October 2022; I stayed with my husband, we have come through sentencing and media attention. Things are as back to normal as I would want them to be, he has a job, most of our friends and family have stuck by us.
he has had lots therapy, done the inform course and lost three jobs along the way, not been easy but we are stronger for it.
please have hope. My children were 13 and 11 and they have not let this define them
xxx
To K4
Absolutely,
I don't come on here so often now as I feel I'm in the minority of people who are trying to support their partners and save their marriages. I wish more people had the courage to write that they are trying to support and save their relationships. I know of people who have left the forum because they feel too much of a minority. Surely that's not what the forum is meant to be?Every relationship is different, I get that, but sometimes the noise suggesting the only answer is to leave is too strong, and yes is unhelpful.
Wishing you all the best, and massive hugs from someone who is struggling with it all, for you and your family xxx
Absolutely,
I don't come on here so often now as I feel I'm in the minority of people who are trying to support their partners and save their marriages. I wish more people had the courage to write that they are trying to support and save their relationships. I know of people who have left the forum because they feel too much of a minority. Surely that's not what the forum is meant to be?Every relationship is different, I get that, but sometimes the noise suggesting the only answer is to leave is too strong, and yes is unhelpful.
Wishing you all the best, and massive hugs from someone who is struggling with it all, for you and your family xxx
Saint jude
I feel u massively, I too have decided to stay and support and feel like the minority, its hard but we struggle on. My heart breaks every single day but I see the man behind this. I send u lots of love and peace. Message me if u ever need too, xx
I feel u massively, I too have decided to stay and support and feel like the minority, its hard but we struggle on. My heart breaks every single day but I see the man behind this. I send u lots of love and peace. Message me if u ever need too, xx
Please don't ever feel in the minority for staying, you've made a huge sacrifice and a very tough decision to stand by and support the person you love. You should feel proud or yourselves for standing firm in your own beliefs despite what other people say and think.
Hi,
I also stayed with my husband. Different scenario to yours. Sentencing was almost 3 years ago, the story was in the local rag.
3 years on, we stayed in our home, initially tried to sell but at that time the housing market wasn't great. The majority of people on our rd, barely look at us let alone speak. However there are a couple who will chat.
Husband hasn't worked but I have a good job and we manage financially. Our children are older but during the investigation which took 3 years from knock to court we had a period of a couple of months where my husband had to move out pending a risk assessment. He was allowed back.
Life is different but it's ok, you always wonder who knows and who doesn't. There are the reminders such as signing the register every year, notifying the police if yoh change you car, go on holiday.
I have to admit I have lots more anxiety but as time passes it gets better.
Cornish Tea
I also stayed with my husband. Different scenario to yours. Sentencing was almost 3 years ago, the story was in the local rag.
3 years on, we stayed in our home, initially tried to sell but at that time the housing market wasn't great. The majority of people on our rd, barely look at us let alone speak. However there are a couple who will chat.
Husband hasn't worked but I have a good job and we manage financially. Our children are older but during the investigation which took 3 years from knock to court we had a period of a couple of months where my husband had to move out pending a risk assessment. He was allowed back.
Life is different but it's ok, you always wonder who knows and who doesn't. There are the reminders such as signing the register every year, notifying the police if yoh change you car, go on holiday.
I have to admit I have lots more anxiety but as time passes it gets better.
Cornish Tea
Thank you for all your responses. There's not been a moment when I have doubted my decision to stay. I know the man behind this. We have lost a lot of friends but now on retrospect, I wonder how true those friendships were. The ones that have stayed haven't judged or said "told you so!" And are always there when I need that hug.
I think the meeting at secondary school brought up a lot of anxious feelings. That's not to say they won't be supportive of our son or us as a family, it's just hard sometimes.
We are moving around 50 miles away, nearer his parents and sometimes I do worry if people will know, but hoping counselling will help alleviate that worry and not define out future.
Thank you again to those that replied. It did make me smile to think that it will not always be this way.
I think the meeting at secondary school brought up a lot of anxious feelings. That's not to say they won't be supportive of our son or us as a family, it's just hard sometimes.
We are moving around 50 miles away, nearer his parents and sometimes I do worry if people will know, but hoping counselling will help alleviate that worry and not define out future.
Thank you again to those that replied. It did make me smile to think that it will not always be this way.
Also a remainer here. Im happy for you to message me if you want to chat x
Sending love your way x
Sending love your way x
I too made the decision to stay early on - the goalposts have moved over the last 9 months of investigation but I'm still here and we are stronger together.
I'm not saying I've not wobbled because I have - lots - and I will probably continue to wobble sometimes. But he has shown me how hard he is working on himself - he's done everything I've asked of him and more.
Tomorrow morning he is being charged - I have a fair idea of what those charges will be, but even so it'll be emotional and terrifying.
At the moment no one knows bar our adult children and that's only because they have kids whom he couldn't have contact with.
I admire those with the strength to stay and those who decide to leave - either way it's a tough call and no one's business but our own.
I'm not saying I've not wobbled because I have - lots - and I will probably continue to wobble sometimes. But he has shown me how hard he is working on himself - he's done everything I've asked of him and more.
Tomorrow morning he is being charged - I have a fair idea of what those charges will be, but even so it'll be emotional and terrifying.
At the moment no one knows bar our adult children and that's only because they have kids whom he couldn't have contact with.
I admire those with the strength to stay and those who decide to leave - either way it's a tough call and no one's business but our own.
I made the decision to stay. I didn't think I would cope emotionally or financially
Slowly I began to realise my marriage was damaged beyond repair and that in my head his offending would never go away
The knock was 3 years ago. Now I feel no emotion towards him. I know I made the right decision and rebuilding my life isn't easy - but I'm heading in the right direction
Just my opinion.
Slowly I began to realise my marriage was damaged beyond repair and that in my head his offending would never go away
The knock was 3 years ago. Now I feel no emotion towards him. I know I made the right decision and rebuilding my life isn't easy - but I'm heading in the right direction
Just my opinion.