Grappling with the shame
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Hi - my first post and after writing long ones yesterday they disappeared so I will try to keep this as short as possible.
Its been 8 years since i discovered my son was on the SOR for viewing illegal images online. The shock was indescribable. My daughter chose to disown her brother as did I for five years. 2 years ago I tracked him down because I had read that people like him need help and isolating him from his family was probably the worst thing to do. We started to converse by phone and last year, he came to visit me. It looks like my theory helped because he is really trying very hard to rebuild his life having lost everything and everyone.
My daughter went crazy and insisted that he leave. She is extremely angry with me. It has impacted hugely on my relationship with my daughter. I have lost my support from her and her husband and they refuse to even discuss my motives for contacting my son again after all those years. She has now told all her friends and her in-laws about my son and, predictably, they have all condemned not only him but me for supporting him.
I am so sad and ashamed. There is no-one I can talk to about this as I am too ashamed to speak to my extended family. I have carried this awful secret around for so long - I know they would never forgive me for living this lie.
I have failed as a mother. I so believed that loving and supporting my two children all their lives would be enough but it has not been the case. My dreams of a normal happy family life are shattered.
Just being able to read this forum has helped me in some small way to realise that we are all grappling with this terrible pain.
Its been 8 years since i discovered my son was on the SOR for viewing illegal images online. The shock was indescribable. My daughter chose to disown her brother as did I for five years. 2 years ago I tracked him down because I had read that people like him need help and isolating him from his family was probably the worst thing to do. We started to converse by phone and last year, he came to visit me. It looks like my theory helped because he is really trying very hard to rebuild his life having lost everything and everyone.
My daughter went crazy and insisted that he leave. She is extremely angry with me. It has impacted hugely on my relationship with my daughter. I have lost my support from her and her husband and they refuse to even discuss my motives for contacting my son again after all those years. She has now told all her friends and her in-laws about my son and, predictably, they have all condemned not only him but me for supporting him.
I am so sad and ashamed. There is no-one I can talk to about this as I am too ashamed to speak to my extended family. I have carried this awful secret around for so long - I know they would never forgive me for living this lie.
I have failed as a mother. I so believed that loving and supporting my two children all their lives would be enough but it has not been the case. My dreams of a normal happy family life are shattered.
Just being able to read this forum has helped me in some small way to realise that we are all grappling with this terrible pain.
Hi
Sorry your part of this exclusive club... Non of us are judgemental and only you can decide whether your decision to support your son was the best way forward. My partner has lost contact with all of his adult children, grandchildren and the majority of his family. Nearly all of his friends have dropped him like a hot potato however my family remained supportive... go figure!!
I have remained with him and truly accept his remorse and disgust for what he did without my knowledge.
I would recommend asking your daughter to phone the helpline and also view the web page Brain Heart World... it gives you an insight into porn addiction and the dangers of regular use and the desensitized nature which entices men to search for even more graphic images.
I believe your instincts as a mother should be commended and you should be proud that you are only behaving like a parent should do... Love, Protect, Defend and FORGIVE.... without any of these there is no hope.
Best wishes....
Sorry your part of this exclusive club... Non of us are judgemental and only you can decide whether your decision to support your son was the best way forward. My partner has lost contact with all of his adult children, grandchildren and the majority of his family. Nearly all of his friends have dropped him like a hot potato however my family remained supportive... go figure!!
I have remained with him and truly accept his remorse and disgust for what he did without my knowledge.
I would recommend asking your daughter to phone the helpline and also view the web page Brain Heart World... it gives you an insight into porn addiction and the dangers of regular use and the desensitized nature which entices men to search for even more graphic images.
I believe your instincts as a mother should be commended and you should be proud that you are only behaving like a parent should do... Love, Protect, Defend and FORGIVE.... without any of these there is no hope.
Best wishes....
Dear Lost123 and Snowdrop
Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. It has helped. I'm so sorry that we all have to be members of this exclusive club - its the last forum we wish to be part of.
I too was terrified that without the support of his family it would lead to something awful like re-offending or worse. I believe the worst thing we can do to someone we love is to take away their hope. This leads to despair. I only wish I could explain this to my daughter but she refuses to listen.
I wish you love and respect on your journey and hope it eventually gets easier for us all. xx
Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. It has helped. I'm so sorry that we all have to be members of this exclusive club - its the last forum we wish to be part of.
I too was terrified that without the support of his family it would lead to something awful like re-offending or worse. I believe the worst thing we can do to someone we love is to take away their hope. This leads to despair. I only wish I could explain this to my daughter but she refuses to listen.
I wish you love and respect on your journey and hope it eventually gets easier for us all. xx
Wallflower, you have not failed as a mother. There was nothing you could do to know what your son was up to all those years ago. You are now trying to mend your relationship and for that I applaud you. It cant be easy to have your daughter cut contact with you. I hope in time she learns to forgive, that he is your son and no matter what happens we all do what we can for our family. Keep posting here, everyone has been affected someway or another. X