At what cost
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I’ve been here since Jan 2023. My husband was arrested and charged for large quantities of IIOC in all categories.
I’ve decided to stand by my husband quite early on, in my judgement and reasoning he is not primarily or in person interested in children but of course made grave error in his online interactions. This however doesn’t make him innocent and I can never know what really was in his head. I was completely unaware of the offending behaviour, or any online behaviour, watching porn is different than what these platforms offer. A married man doesn’t belong in places like Kik or chat rooms. And that’s the first layer of betrayal.
I’ve showed love, compassion, and support for a husband who put me through hell. He didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t deserve to give over two years of my life (and counting) to pick up the pieces. There is nothing he can do to earn my forgiveness, fortunately for him I enjoy making really poor life decisions, and having to stand by them, and become bitter and resentful as a result. I know he would not do the same for me but I also know he’s extremely sorry.
I did what I had decided to do I’ve put up a fight and did not give up easily - I’ve stayed married, had a baby, reunited my family, and pulled us all through to the other side and now we are here. I’ve spent considerable amount of time studying criminal law and family law. I’ve read extensively about safeguarding and any research I could get hold off regarding this issue. I’ve not got lost in wallowing, I gave a good fight. I’ve honoured my vows, in good days and bad days, I showed up. There had been so many bad days since the knock. I’ve given my children a chance with two parents under one roof. I’ve beat social workers (8 of them) in their own game. They showed me a risk I showed them a mitigation, they came up with a problem I came up with a solution, they wanted to test it for a time and we stood by and allowed the time, until they were reassured of children’s safety being the priority and had no further interest in the case.
We now live together and coparent together but I have a lot of healing to do, and I don’t know if I ever will completely heal. When I was struggling, rightfully or wrongfully I found company in other wives/mothers struggling, also when I believed the goal of reuniting my family seemed so far from possible, I took strength from people that accomplished it. Here is mine, I don’t however think mine is one of those. I don’t feel victorious. I feel broken, spent, discarded, hurt as a result of my husbands behaviour, and subsequently treatment, harassment, bullying I received afterwards from all agencies. I feel humiliated and exposed in front of family members we had to disclose to.
Along the journey some things I was told, judgement I had faced will follow me all my life. Experiences I had such as being locked in the hospital for 10 days until waiting for a judge to allow me home or remove my newborn, will never leave me. That’s just one example, and another is that I was asked to read detailed descriptions of what he had viewed , 6 of them, which left me suffering nightmares. I have been treated far worse than my husband in this process.
This is me being brutally honest with myself and you all. I don’t know if the fight was worth it but once the knock happens stay or leave, life will never be the same again. Some days I am happy, and some feel almost normal, other days I can’t get up or stop crying. I am angry, a lot. We will begin therapy soon. I’m here for good days to out number the bad days, eventually. One day at a time.
I’ve decided to stand by my husband quite early on, in my judgement and reasoning he is not primarily or in person interested in children but of course made grave error in his online interactions. This however doesn’t make him innocent and I can never know what really was in his head. I was completely unaware of the offending behaviour, or any online behaviour, watching porn is different than what these platforms offer. A married man doesn’t belong in places like Kik or chat rooms. And that’s the first layer of betrayal.
I’ve showed love, compassion, and support for a husband who put me through hell. He didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t deserve to give over two years of my life (and counting) to pick up the pieces. There is nothing he can do to earn my forgiveness, fortunately for him I enjoy making really poor life decisions, and having to stand by them, and become bitter and resentful as a result. I know he would not do the same for me but I also know he’s extremely sorry.
I did what I had decided to do I’ve put up a fight and did not give up easily - I’ve stayed married, had a baby, reunited my family, and pulled us all through to the other side and now we are here. I’ve spent considerable amount of time studying criminal law and family law. I’ve read extensively about safeguarding and any research I could get hold off regarding this issue. I’ve not got lost in wallowing, I gave a good fight. I’ve honoured my vows, in good days and bad days, I showed up. There had been so many bad days since the knock. I’ve given my children a chance with two parents under one roof. I’ve beat social workers (8 of them) in their own game. They showed me a risk I showed them a mitigation, they came up with a problem I came up with a solution, they wanted to test it for a time and we stood by and allowed the time, until they were reassured of children’s safety being the priority and had no further interest in the case.
We now live together and coparent together but I have a lot of healing to do, and I don’t know if I ever will completely heal. When I was struggling, rightfully or wrongfully I found company in other wives/mothers struggling, also when I believed the goal of reuniting my family seemed so far from possible, I took strength from people that accomplished it. Here is mine, I don’t however think mine is one of those. I don’t feel victorious. I feel broken, spent, discarded, hurt as a result of my husbands behaviour, and subsequently treatment, harassment, bullying I received afterwards from all agencies. I feel humiliated and exposed in front of family members we had to disclose to.
Along the journey some things I was told, judgement I had faced will follow me all my life. Experiences I had such as being locked in the hospital for 10 days until waiting for a judge to allow me home or remove my newborn, will never leave me. That’s just one example, and another is that I was asked to read detailed descriptions of what he had viewed , 6 of them, which left me suffering nightmares. I have been treated far worse than my husband in this process.
This is me being brutally honest with myself and you all. I don’t know if the fight was worth it but once the knock happens stay or leave, life will never be the same again. Some days I am happy, and some feel almost normal, other days I can’t get up or stop crying. I am angry, a lot. We will begin therapy soon. I’m here for good days to out number the bad days, eventually. One day at a time.
You are such a strong, compassionate and principled woman. That comes across clearly. But I wonder if you've factored yourself and your wellbeing into this - you DO matter. You ARE important. Your children deserve a mum who is at peace.
Right from the start of this awful journey I've been aghast at how the female partner is left to carry the load, bear the brunt, satisfy the burden of proof, police the parenting, safeguard the kids, watch for signs, but also prop up the offender, soothe and comfort them, keep them safe and well, smooth over the cracks, facilitate everything... My husband talks about his 'illness' instead of 'offending' , he talks about 'discrimination against addicts' by employers instead of 'understandable concern about employing sex offenders'. The world gets turned on its head and revolves around this skewed mentality that leads them to access repulsive content online. And we are suddenly in the spotlight for everything.
I don't know what the point of my reply is, except to say please please don't forget yourself in all this xxx
Right from the start of this awful journey I've been aghast at how the female partner is left to carry the load, bear the brunt, satisfy the burden of proof, police the parenting, safeguard the kids, watch for signs, but also prop up the offender, soothe and comfort them, keep them safe and well, smooth over the cracks, facilitate everything... My husband talks about his 'illness' instead of 'offending' , he talks about 'discrimination against addicts' by employers instead of 'understandable concern about employing sex offenders'. The world gets turned on its head and revolves around this skewed mentality that leads them to access repulsive content online. And we are suddenly in the spotlight for everything.
I don't know what the point of my reply is, except to say please please don't forget yourself in all this xxx
I'm searching for the right words. I hope you can find some peace eventually. I didn't stay. I divorced my husband of 30 years and the father of my children but I did support him. I really regret that as he reoffended. I should've known it was inevitable. I wish I'd been strong enough to walk away completely but I wasn't. I tried though. I moved aboard to get away but that didn't work out. I really hope for better days for all of us. X
Your so brave flower and the messages you have sent me over the last few weeks have helped a lot xxx
Flower,
I relate so much to your post. Our stories sound similar. My knock happened July 2023 and my husband was convicted of possession of iioc. He also didn't get there overnight, he spent years beforehand on dodgy apps and chat rooms. The betrayal to our marriage is devastating. I had NO idea. We were still very much intimate in the bedroom. There really were no signs.
My husband was given a custodial sentence which looks like it will be over soon (where I am there is a hearing so it's never a sure thing.
I have stayed for our children for now. They love him. They want him home. The evidence is clear that support reduces the chance of recidivism. I want my kids to have the healthiest dad they can have. I still have some hope for a future.
I hope one day I fall back in love and stay for me but only time will tell.
Something that really helps me is to know that there are really only four choices to a problem.
1. solve the problem. I don't think this is possible in our situation.
2. change your perspective of the problem.
3. Radically accept the problem.
4. stay miserable. This is absolutely an okay place to be for a while, but I don't want to be here forever.
Not sure if that helps you or not but something to think about. Just know you're not alone.
I relate so much to your post. Our stories sound similar. My knock happened July 2023 and my husband was convicted of possession of iioc. He also didn't get there overnight, he spent years beforehand on dodgy apps and chat rooms. The betrayal to our marriage is devastating. I had NO idea. We were still very much intimate in the bedroom. There really were no signs.
My husband was given a custodial sentence which looks like it will be over soon (where I am there is a hearing so it's never a sure thing.
I have stayed for our children for now. They love him. They want him home. The evidence is clear that support reduces the chance of recidivism. I want my kids to have the healthiest dad they can have. I still have some hope for a future.
I hope one day I fall back in love and stay for me but only time will tell.
Something that really helps me is to know that there are really only four choices to a problem.
1. solve the problem. I don't think this is possible in our situation.
2. change your perspective of the problem.
3. Radically accept the problem.
4. stay miserable. This is absolutely an okay place to be for a while, but I don't want to be here forever.
Not sure if that helps you or not but something to think about. Just know you're not alone.
I thought and still think the offending will always be there and one day it would come back to bite me/us. So I left. My kids were adults so I'm thankful I wasn't trying to keep my family together because they were young. They are adults and have made their own decision.
I firmly believe I made the right decision. Now when I see him I feel absolutely nothing - I now want him out of my life completely.
There is no easy answer I'm afraid.
I firmly believe I made the right decision. Now when I see him I feel absolutely nothing - I now want him out of my life completely.
There is no easy answer I'm afraid.
Just want to say after reading your post what an incredible brave and courageous person you are. My heart reaches out to you x
Just to add you are so brave.
Do look after yourself though.
Sending a virtual hug x
Do look after yourself though.
Sending a virtual hug x