Historic events 35 years ago
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Hi everyone,
I know this forum is not for this type of offence - the internet didn't exist 35 years ago......
My partner of 3 years had allegations made against him in May 2024 of sexual contact 35 years ago against a couple of children he was working with as a social worker. The investigation continues and he denies everything.
I then found out that he had a 4 month conviction for indecent images on a camera back in the 90s. He obviously got struck off.
Last week we found out a new allegation has been made, as a result of the police interviewing people from 35 years ago I suppose.
I'm an absolute mess. He denies it all; and I have stood by him even though I have naturally had doubts because I didn't know him then. My head is telling me that this new allegation implies that he is guilty, although the police won't tell him who has made it or what it is until he goes for a voluntary interview on July 16th.
Who can I talk to please?
It's more about his behaviour, and the behaviour of sex offenders.......how do I know if he's telling me the truth? He's honest in every other part of his life. Do offenders lie, and lie again? Are they in denial? Do they believe that there's nothing wrong with what they did?
I put my house on the market in January to downsize and try to be independent but have had no offers. I've now reduced the price again.
I have loved him SO MUCH and still do, but it's destroyed my relationship with my family and 29 year old son. He wants nothing to do with him and has backed off completely.
If I now find out that he has been lying I'll be so distraught again and don't know how I will get through.
I really need to talk to someone that understands historic allegations. Can anyone help please? x
I know this forum is not for this type of offence - the internet didn't exist 35 years ago......
My partner of 3 years had allegations made against him in May 2024 of sexual contact 35 years ago against a couple of children he was working with as a social worker. The investigation continues and he denies everything.
I then found out that he had a 4 month conviction for indecent images on a camera back in the 90s. He obviously got struck off.
Last week we found out a new allegation has been made, as a result of the police interviewing people from 35 years ago I suppose.
I'm an absolute mess. He denies it all; and I have stood by him even though I have naturally had doubts because I didn't know him then. My head is telling me that this new allegation implies that he is guilty, although the police won't tell him who has made it or what it is until he goes for a voluntary interview on July 16th.
Who can I talk to please?
It's more about his behaviour, and the behaviour of sex offenders.......how do I know if he's telling me the truth? He's honest in every other part of his life. Do offenders lie, and lie again? Are they in denial? Do they believe that there's nothing wrong with what they did?
I put my house on the market in January to downsize and try to be independent but have had no offers. I've now reduced the price again.
I have loved him SO MUCH and still do, but it's destroyed my relationship with my family and 29 year old son. He wants nothing to do with him and has backed off completely.
If I now find out that he has been lying I'll be so distraught again and don't know how I will get through.
I really need to talk to someone that understands historic allegations. Can anyone help please? x
I can only speak from my experience. My ex lied and lied and lied until his arrest after we'd been together for 30 years and had children. He was sent to prison. I divorced him but supported him. He recently reoffended and has just been sent to prison again. I wish I'd walked out of his life entirely after the arrest. I think you are doing the right thing regarding the property. The saying, "there's no smoke without fire" stands for a reason I guess.
If you are going to stand by him, I would insist on having some sort of monitoring on his computer equipment and mobile phone. I would say to him that until you know what's going on, you want to see his search history and that he cannot delete his search history. This probably won't show anything but it might make him think. You can ring the helpline. They are very supportive and knowledgeable and might be able point you in the direction of some other advice.
I really do hope that all turns out well for you. X
If you are going to stand by him, I would insist on having some sort of monitoring on his computer equipment and mobile phone. I would say to him that until you know what's going on, you want to see his search history and that he cannot delete his search history. This probably won't show anything but it might make him think. You can ring the helpline. They are very supportive and knowledgeable and might be able point you in the direction of some other advice.
I really do hope that all turns out well for you. X
Dear Daisy1956,
We wanted to contribute to this thread to offer you some support. While our forum is primarily for partners, ex-partners, family members, and friends of individuals who have committed online sexual offences, we understand that some individuals may be under investigation for other types of offences that are not internet related. You’ve raised some important questions about denial, and this is something anyone can experience regardless of situation or type of offence.
Unfortunately, we cannot say whether your partner is not telling the truth, or if he is in denial. However, it might be helpful to know that denial in general is a complex and often unconscious psychological response. It can serve as a defence mechanism protecting us or those we care about from overwhelming emotions, helping us minimise distressing realities, or allowing us to avoid difficult conversations. In some cases, people may not even realise they are in denial.
While denial can offer short-term emotional relief, it can also delay healing and hinder our ability to move forward. It may prevent us from fully acknowledging the situation, taking responsibility, or making meaningful changes. Recognising denial, whether in ourselves or others, can be challenging, but it’s an important step toward understanding and change.
It’s important to approach this process with compassion, both for us and for those around us. Moving from denial to acceptance is not always easy, but with support and self-compassion, it is possible. It is important that you look after yourself as best as you can as you are navigating through this difficult time. We can imagine that she situation may feel overwhelming for you and it's natural that you have questions. Please ensure that you prioritise your mental health and well-being, engage in positive activities for yourself and have someone you feel able to reach out to for some support.
Your partner may not feel ready to discuss this at the moment, but it sounds like exploring whether he is experiencing some form of denial could be helpful for both of you. When you feel ready, you and your partner are welcome to call our Stop It Now helpline on 0808 1000 900 and speak to one of our experienced advisors for some support and advice.
We hope this helps.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
We wanted to contribute to this thread to offer you some support. While our forum is primarily for partners, ex-partners, family members, and friends of individuals who have committed online sexual offences, we understand that some individuals may be under investigation for other types of offences that are not internet related. You’ve raised some important questions about denial, and this is something anyone can experience regardless of situation or type of offence.
Unfortunately, we cannot say whether your partner is not telling the truth, or if he is in denial. However, it might be helpful to know that denial in general is a complex and often unconscious psychological response. It can serve as a defence mechanism protecting us or those we care about from overwhelming emotions, helping us minimise distressing realities, or allowing us to avoid difficult conversations. In some cases, people may not even realise they are in denial.
While denial can offer short-term emotional relief, it can also delay healing and hinder our ability to move forward. It may prevent us from fully acknowledging the situation, taking responsibility, or making meaningful changes. Recognising denial, whether in ourselves or others, can be challenging, but it’s an important step toward understanding and change.
It’s important to approach this process with compassion, both for us and for those around us. Moving from denial to acceptance is not always easy, but with support and self-compassion, it is possible. It is important that you look after yourself as best as you can as you are navigating through this difficult time. We can imagine that she situation may feel overwhelming for you and it's natural that you have questions. Please ensure that you prioritise your mental health and well-being, engage in positive activities for yourself and have someone you feel able to reach out to for some support.
Your partner may not feel ready to discuss this at the moment, but it sounds like exploring whether he is experiencing some form of denial could be helpful for both of you. When you feel ready, you and your partner are welcome to call our Stop It Now helpline on 0808 1000 900 and speak to one of our experienced advisors for some support and advice.
We hope this helps.
Kind regards,
The Forum Team
Just wanted to offer you some support. I can really relate to what you are going through.
sending love and strength.
sending love and strength.
Thank you Lucy for your compassion and kindness. I will think about what you said. There's a police voluntary interview coming up, so maybe I'll have the conversation with my OH on the result of that and decide on the next steps.