Family and Friends Forum

I feel for you.

Have you contacted the helpline here for support? They've an instant chat option if you don't want to talk on the phone.

I am so sorry to hear that and yes you can use this forum to share and seek support

I'm so so sorry. Its all so confusing and scary when thus first happens. I second calling the helpline, they'll hopefully answer some of your questions. We, the spouses/family/friends are secondary victims in all of this and don't get much support from the police. And unless your husband gives them permission, they can't tell you anything about his case. I hit research mode to try and make sense of it all and understand what could happen. For now, take each day at a time, don't make any decisions yet, you won't be in a clear headspace to do so. Try and talk to your husband about it all and ask for full honesty and transparency. Why? When? How long?

I'm 5 months in since the knock, and it's taken me this long to process it all and get out of the initial shock. I've decided to soon end my marriage, but its easier for me as we don't have children. Keep posting on here whenever you have questions, keep to talk, rant or just get something out of your head. We're here for you xx

I've never used Kik, but my understanding is that it's somewhat like WhatsApp, except your phone number isn't visible to anyone else. And its pretty much completely unmoderated. So it's very popular for any kind of secretive sexual activity, both legal & illegal - infidelity in all forms, kink stuff, voyeurism content, IIOC. I don't think there's any 'good' reason to use it. In my case my ex swore blind he wasn't seeking out IIOC and had received one unsolicited file he instantly deleted. 18 months later the forensics came back and seemed to support that, but I also found out about a whole secret sex life including infidelity and voyeurism (against me). I guess I'm quite suspicious of the 'it was just bundled up with some legal porn' stuff - even if it's true in the narrow sense, I think you have to be somewhere pretty sordid to get anywhere near child abuse material. That isn't a popular opinion though I think! And my ex was likewise a model husband and father outwardly. It's a long slow wait for solid answers - you don't really get anything till forensics comes back and that rarely takes less than a year. It does get 'easier' though.

Just to add kik is a US company IIRC, so out of the UK's jurisdiction. I honestly think it won't be shut down because the police in various countries know it's users would just disperse elsewhere, probably to apps / sites with much less police infiltration. Those people will always find a way.

My experience is very similar to yours.



when the police first attended and OH was taken away a police officer remained with me and gave me the advice not to seem to keen to SS to get him home etc.

I moved out with the children as luckily had space at my parents. the OIC obviously thought I was nuts letting him be bailed to our home address and me and the children moving out but financial OH could then keep his job was on bail and we wouldn't lose the house.



the children found it very hard at first and cried most nights and were like my shadow. Now over 12 months down the line we are settled in a new house, they see their dad twice a week and they are doing well xx

I chose to end the relationship straight away, however feel that wasn't my decision at the time it was forced upon me by the police etc saying cannot be in the same house.



he was on bail for nearly a year and then charged and sentenced.



However after the first couple of months didn't feel like I wanted the relationship anymore.



children settled down and things got easier when we had a routine set of when they would see him and we were in our own house.



I've had to claim UC now but I'm managing with my job and extra help off UC.



it's very daunting at the start but you'll survive it and you and your child will be ok x

I am sorry you are going through all of this. Here I am at 3am posting on here as my mind races. My kids are 5 and 7 and we are only 4 weeks in. Also struggling to adjust to a one parent household. Ive put our house up for sale to ensure financially I can support my kids but it has been the hardest choice to leave our forever home. It just seems so tainted now. Trying to just function day to day and supervise some contact between kids and their dad (which brings so many mixed emotions). Also work full time, so that is exhausting. You are not alone

I had someone else supervise at first but then I started doing it as the children wanted to see him more.



Either go out or he comes for tea.



Adjusting to being a single parent I think is the hardest, my mind kept saying you'll never be able to just nip to the shops alone etc and that took some adjusting with the children too as things like we have a dog so they now need to walk him everyday, whereas before I could leave them with dad and go alone. I've started having shopping delivered so that they don't have to come with me.

in the beginning for me I think that's what I found the hardest to accept, the foreverness of it, that things could never go back to normal. He will miss out on so much and for the rest of their childhood but have to remind yourself it's not your fault x

Adjusting to being a single parent is the hardest. Having to do school drop offs and picks everyday by yourself and working full time is the hardest part. Then it's juggling school holidays all by yourself aswell. I took a weeks unpaid leave over the Easter holidays as my daughter was getting upset as the thought of going into holiday club. SS don't care, they even used it against me, they put it in their assessment on whether I can provide for my daughter. They are absolute rats! What they don't know is how financially secure I am because they never asked, losing a weeks income as a one off doesn't bother me. I've already told the SW that my daughter will have to go into holiday club over the six weeks and any planned visits will have to be at 6pm as that is when she will be home. SW face just dropped, they are clearly used to dealing with people who don't work. She was talking about a planned visit on on 28th July, as she has a court hearing all that week she said she will drop by first. I just said I'll be at work and daughter will be in holiday club. She was just casually talking like she was expecting me to be at home and booking her visit in her calandar! Xx

I am supervising contact at moment as I really didn't want kids having any more change. It is hard as he comes to the house and presents as the great dad he always has been and my boys are so happy to see him. I try to take time to sit in the next room and have a cuppa. It is all quite tiring but I am trying to be guided by the kids behaviour and requests when it comes to seeing their dad. Give yourself permission to not know what to do....my mind changes hourly. We are processing grief and trauma and just eating, cuddling kids and trying to sleep is enough for now