I don't think like a victim
Notifications OFF
So this is my story...please read it all before judging me.
I am a gay male married to a male and the knock on the door happened about 4 months ago. I was arrested for indecent images and engaging a child into sexual activity. I spent most of the day in a cell not knowing what was going on till the interview. Then the disclosure happened, there in front of me was all the evidence against my husband (Very clear evidence it was him). My only crime? Paying the bill, yes I was arrested because I paid the bill of the IP address. After the interview I even had my solicitor crying because of my story. They arrested my husband later that day and he admitted everything (he wasn't at home). Did the Police NFA me? No, I am currently on ‘released under investigation’. The evidence against my husband is clear, they could have charged him there and then. After the interview they treated me as a victim but I can’t shake the thought they believed I was involved in all this because I pay the bill. They can’t NFA until they have processed all the media stuff.
I can’t go back to work as I work with children. Work has been supportive but it doesn’t stop me feeling paranoid about no one trusting me. I feel that I was only arrested because I’m gay. Reading stories on here backs this up. The Police promised due to my work that it would be 1 month for the media to be processed but due to delays they now can’t give me an ETA. I can’t tell friends because why would they believe me? They arrested me so I must be guilty of something right? This has caused me no end of mental health problems. I’m now on antidepressants and have been having suicidal thoughts. And being told you’re a low risk isn’t great.
Above all this I have to come to terms with what my husband did and this would have been easier if it wasn’t for the fact we started the adoption process and I wasn’t arrested. He has admitted everything to me and it comes from a porn addiction. But I can’t help but feel angry against the Police. I’m speaking to a solicitor in the coming days and plan to raise a complaint against them and depending on the outcome civil action.
The worst thing is telling my parents I was arrested. My mum was heart broken she loves my husband and she was so proud when I got my current job. I find no pleasure in anything I do now. The house is being sold and after a 15 year relationship items are being separated. I don’t know if I can continue our relationship, I would have to give up my job in order to be with him. But for now I decided that we need our own space and moving to our own house shares. This allows me to process things and see how the charges against him turn out.
And if it wasn’t clear I am NOT guilty of any offences.
I am a gay male married to a male and the knock on the door happened about 4 months ago. I was arrested for indecent images and engaging a child into sexual activity. I spent most of the day in a cell not knowing what was going on till the interview. Then the disclosure happened, there in front of me was all the evidence against my husband (Very clear evidence it was him). My only crime? Paying the bill, yes I was arrested because I paid the bill of the IP address. After the interview I even had my solicitor crying because of my story. They arrested my husband later that day and he admitted everything (he wasn't at home). Did the Police NFA me? No, I am currently on ‘released under investigation’. The evidence against my husband is clear, they could have charged him there and then. After the interview they treated me as a victim but I can’t shake the thought they believed I was involved in all this because I pay the bill. They can’t NFA until they have processed all the media stuff.
I can’t go back to work as I work with children. Work has been supportive but it doesn’t stop me feeling paranoid about no one trusting me. I feel that I was only arrested because I’m gay. Reading stories on here backs this up. The Police promised due to my work that it would be 1 month for the media to be processed but due to delays they now can’t give me an ETA. I can’t tell friends because why would they believe me? They arrested me so I must be guilty of something right? This has caused me no end of mental health problems. I’m now on antidepressants and have been having suicidal thoughts. And being told you’re a low risk isn’t great.
Above all this I have to come to terms with what my husband did and this would have been easier if it wasn’t for the fact we started the adoption process and I wasn’t arrested. He has admitted everything to me and it comes from a porn addiction. But I can’t help but feel angry against the Police. I’m speaking to a solicitor in the coming days and plan to raise a complaint against them and depending on the outcome civil action.
The worst thing is telling my parents I was arrested. My mum was heart broken she loves my husband and she was so proud when I got my current job. I find no pleasure in anything I do now. The house is being sold and after a 15 year relationship items are being separated. I don’t know if I can continue our relationship, I would have to give up my job in order to be with him. But for now I decided that we need our own space and moving to our own house shares. This allows me to process things and see how the charges against him turn out.
And if it wasn’t clear I am NOT guilty of any offences.
There is no judgement on this forum, everyone is in or has been in a difficult situation. I understand your anger/upset towards the police but just because you are have been arrested snd interviewed does not make you guilty. People are interviewed all day long at police stations. I think you are not nfa maybe because its easier to release you under investigation then it is to rearrest you at a later date if they find anything. I cant imagine what your going through but keep calm. A lot of what happens is procedure and although the wait is long but it will end. Speak to the solicitor if you really feel you were treated unfairly but it may not have been as clear to the police as it was to you which one of you did it. Sadly we are all dragged into this horrendous nightmare by our partners. Stay strong, you may be surprised by the support you recieve from friends. I think we are all judged, i feel judged, hopefully those that matter to you will listen and help but i guess we all have to find a way to deal with the judgement of others.
Hi lost,
This is a brilliant space. No judges on here but tons and tons of support.
We're "non-offending partners" but my God, sometimes it really doesn't feel that way. I still wish I had someone following me round repeating "You didn't do anything wrong" ad infinitum. You've made it to 4 months which is magnificent. And I'm so glad you've reached out here.
I'm also very unhappy with the way the police have handled my husband's case (inappropriate including racist comments during the "raid" amongst other things). I have a form from the IOPC but I haven't proceeded with it (yet) as I didn't want them to say that I was using it as a distraction from my husband's crimes and I didn't want to make matters worse. But a friend advised me to write everything down, so I had a record of everything. I've done that and actually writing the stuff down helps as well.
Keep looking after yourself and do try the helpline. They're brilliant.
And welcome to the club nobody really wants to belong to. We're all here for you.
love Hope xx
This is a brilliant space. No judges on here but tons and tons of support.
We're "non-offending partners" but my God, sometimes it really doesn't feel that way. I still wish I had someone following me round repeating "You didn't do anything wrong" ad infinitum. You've made it to 4 months which is magnificent. And I'm so glad you've reached out here.
I'm also very unhappy with the way the police have handled my husband's case (inappropriate including racist comments during the "raid" amongst other things). I have a form from the IOPC but I haven't proceeded with it (yet) as I didn't want them to say that I was using it as a distraction from my husband's crimes and I didn't want to make matters worse. But a friend advised me to write everything down, so I had a record of everything. I've done that and actually writing the stuff down helps as well.
Keep looking after yourself and do try the helpline. They're brilliant.
And welcome to the club nobody really wants to belong to. We're all here for you.
love Hope xx
Thank you for your lovely comments.
I just wanted to add one thing, the reason I'm most angry with the Police. They said that 'someone at my address had downloaded illegal images' this was the grounds for my arrest. My biggest problem is that they knew who this was. The account that was used in the crime was linked to my husband. Linked via his photos, his name, his phone number and the conversation was in his name from his account. All the evidence they presented to me was against my Husband and this is what makes me most bitter about it. They could have interviewed me as a witness not a suspect.
I have spoken to a Solicitor today and they say I have a case but will wait till I get NFA’ed. The battles I have along the way are going to be hard but currently I have nothing to look forward to except this fight with the Police. I have had to fight most of my life being gay and I refuse to let this go by. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism because it’s the only thing I know, standing up for what’s right.
It’s a valued point raised that it maybe against me being male, but this is still discrimination. Personally, I think they couldn’t be bothered to get a warrant and thought they would arrest me to make it easier for them. Also, they wanted big prizes for a ‘big offenders ring’ and didn’t care who they hurt. Along with the comments they made, and they keep referring me to the Stop It now leaflet for offenders which makes me sick to the core. The officer in charge doesn’t seem to care about me and I think he’s annoyed because me and my husband weren’t part of the bigger ring they were after.
I can never accept what my Husband has done but he is being honest and getting help. I maybe able to one day forgive him. But the Police are not being honest and making my life worst. The worst thing is this could take up to 9 months and not being able to go back to work I have no clue how I will cope going back after the news breaks.
I just wanted to add one thing, the reason I'm most angry with the Police. They said that 'someone at my address had downloaded illegal images' this was the grounds for my arrest. My biggest problem is that they knew who this was. The account that was used in the crime was linked to my husband. Linked via his photos, his name, his phone number and the conversation was in his name from his account. All the evidence they presented to me was against my Husband and this is what makes me most bitter about it. They could have interviewed me as a witness not a suspect.
I have spoken to a Solicitor today and they say I have a case but will wait till I get NFA’ed. The battles I have along the way are going to be hard but currently I have nothing to look forward to except this fight with the Police. I have had to fight most of my life being gay and I refuse to let this go by. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism because it’s the only thing I know, standing up for what’s right.
It’s a valued point raised that it maybe against me being male, but this is still discrimination. Personally, I think they couldn’t be bothered to get a warrant and thought they would arrest me to make it easier for them. Also, they wanted big prizes for a ‘big offenders ring’ and didn’t care who they hurt. Along with the comments they made, and they keep referring me to the Stop It now leaflet for offenders which makes me sick to the core. The officer in charge doesn’t seem to care about me and I think he’s annoyed because me and my husband weren’t part of the bigger ring they were after.
I can never accept what my Husband has done but he is being honest and getting help. I maybe able to one day forgive him. But the Police are not being honest and making my life worst. The worst thing is this could take up to 9 months and not being able to go back to work I have no clue how I will cope going back after the news breaks.
Sending you a big hug. It sounds like you are stuck in a terrible situation but just keep clinging to the fact you have done nothing wrong. It is good that your employer is being supportive and I just hope that the investigation moves quickly for you so that you can at least make some moves forward as far as that goes. Good advice as always from poster - maybe if there is something you can be doing in the meantime it will help you. I did the Inform course on a one - to - one basis as it was not available in a group format in my area but that is something really worth looking into and may give you some insight into what has happened. Keep being kind to yourself and welcome to the club that no one wants to belong to! X
Oh Lost,
I am so sorry to read the torment you are going through. It is hard enough being in our position without being under suspicion too.
Have you called the Stop it now guys? if not then do consider it. The knowledge they have is great and there is absolutely no judgement from them at all.
I really hope this gets sorted sooner rather than later for you
I am so sorry to read the torment you are going through. It is hard enough being in our position without being under suspicion too.
Have you called the Stop it now guys? if not then do consider it. The knowledge they have is great and there is absolutely no judgement from them at all.
I really hope this gets sorted sooner rather than later for you
(I hope you read my first post, as this wouldn’t make sense if you haven’t)
I felt like I need to post an update on here. I feel this need that anyone I tell my story to, I need to keep updated. And writing my story down so people can read it brings me a little peace.
So, I have officially started the complaints process with the police. Though this will be 'parked' until I am NFA (no further action).. The Police response was good and I think they may take it seriously. I hope lessons can be learnt from this.
The last email I received from the officer in charge is that they have no evidence against me (there isn’t any to find, I am innocent) and that they believe I’m innocent and it's all down to my soon to be ex-husband (He admitted everything). And that fingers cross, my case should be sorted by Christmas (this was about 2 weeks ago).
But I am spending Christmas under investigation for a crime I haven't committed because the fast track process that I have finally got has been delayed due to money problems (Police budgets). I have split with my soon to be ex-husband as I will never trust him and started the divorce.
I am having to fight the Police due to them not treating me as a Human, my soon to be ex-husband through divorce court and my estate agents because of a legal issue with my old house.
It’s strange because I am looking forward to these fights. They give me something to do, I’m still not back at work though my work has been really good about it. But unfortunately my old work have found out about my arrest/soon to be ex-husbands arrest. There are only a couple of people I still talk to and what’s nice is that they have listened to me before judging me. And when I tell them the story, MY STORY they are supportive and say ‘your going through a lot’. One even said, ‘I knew the rumours weren’t true, I knew you’re not like that’.
I want to move on but I’m not getting the chance to.
Hopefully in the new year I will have an update to post on here. Hopefully it will say I can have all my media back, have my name cleared and move on with my life. It’s also hard coming to terms that my soon to be ex-husband will go to crown court and may go to Jail. Though he deserves to be punished for what has done I don’t want him to go to Jail. He won’t survive.
But for now…..my life is on hold.
I felt like I need to post an update on here. I feel this need that anyone I tell my story to, I need to keep updated. And writing my story down so people can read it brings me a little peace.
So, I have officially started the complaints process with the police. Though this will be 'parked' until I am NFA (no further action).. The Police response was good and I think they may take it seriously. I hope lessons can be learnt from this.
The last email I received from the officer in charge is that they have no evidence against me (there isn’t any to find, I am innocent) and that they believe I’m innocent and it's all down to my soon to be ex-husband (He admitted everything). And that fingers cross, my case should be sorted by Christmas (this was about 2 weeks ago).
But I am spending Christmas under investigation for a crime I haven't committed because the fast track process that I have finally got has been delayed due to money problems (Police budgets). I have split with my soon to be ex-husband as I will never trust him and started the divorce.
I am having to fight the Police due to them not treating me as a Human, my soon to be ex-husband through divorce court and my estate agents because of a legal issue with my old house.
It’s strange because I am looking forward to these fights. They give me something to do, I’m still not back at work though my work has been really good about it. But unfortunately my old work have found out about my arrest/soon to be ex-husbands arrest. There are only a couple of people I still talk to and what’s nice is that they have listened to me before judging me. And when I tell them the story, MY STORY they are supportive and say ‘your going through a lot’. One even said, ‘I knew the rumours weren’t true, I knew you’re not like that’.
I want to move on but I’m not getting the chance to.
Hopefully in the new year I will have an update to post on here. Hopefully it will say I can have all my media back, have my name cleared and move on with my life. It’s also hard coming to terms that my soon to be ex-husband will go to crown court and may go to Jail. Though he deserves to be punished for what has done I don’t want him to go to Jail. He won’t survive.
But for now…..my life is on hold.
My heart blessb for you, you must feel you have lost everything at the moment even your work which had been my lifeline!!
Keep your chin up and carry on the fight
Xx
Keep your chin up and carry on the fight
Xx
I’ve always believed that it’s not what happens to us in life but the way we choose to react and think about it. And you have decided to fight to get things right and start over . And because you don’t feel or think like a victim you are not one. Thank you for sharing your story . Wishing you well
Paula x
Paula x
Hello,
I hope before you read this you have read the start. I just wanted to give an update. It's been 16 and half months since the day I was arrrested (along with my now ex-husband). Two days ago I got my final update.
I am in the clear, I did nothing wrong and they confirmed this. I always knew I did nothing wrong but it took over 16 months for them to sort this. The ex-husband is still under-invesigation and they won't talk about his case. I don't want to know. By the way they are talking, there are more charges for him to follow. I do not care. I will go to the court date with my sister just to see clousre. But I have moved on.
I wanted to give everyone and every place I have said my story to, my final update. I surived the hell I have been through, including nearly taking my own life.
I'm free and plan to live my life to the full.
Thank you for reading.
I hope before you read this you have read the start. I just wanted to give an update. It's been 16 and half months since the day I was arrrested (along with my now ex-husband). Two days ago I got my final update.
I am in the clear, I did nothing wrong and they confirmed this. I always knew I did nothing wrong but it took over 16 months for them to sort this. The ex-husband is still under-invesigation and they won't talk about his case. I don't want to know. By the way they are talking, there are more charges for him to follow. I do not care. I will go to the court date with my sister just to see clousre. But I have moved on.
I wanted to give everyone and every place I have said my story to, my final update. I surived the hell I have been through, including nearly taking my own life.
I'm free and plan to live my life to the full.
Thank you for reading.
Lost husband,
This is truly great news, not that you were ever in doubt but that you have closure on this shitty period.
I am hoping my husband gets the formal NFA shortly that will mean we can start to move on. I'm lucky in that my husband told me everything and the police found nothing other than an isolated incident. He has also had therapy and changed habits to cope with stress and depression, so hes done everything I needed him too so that I could back him.
Enjoy the cloud being lifted
Ttkit
This is truly great news, not that you were ever in doubt but that you have closure on this shitty period.
I am hoping my husband gets the formal NFA shortly that will mean we can start to move on. I'm lucky in that my husband told me everything and the police found nothing other than an isolated incident. He has also had therapy and changed habits to cope with stress and depression, so hes done everything I needed him too so that I could back him.
Enjoy the cloud being lifted
Ttkit
Is this Forum active ?
Hi Truffles,
The forum is active. More people read the discussion and support section if you are looking for advice. The people in the thread you have commented on may not be active in the forum anymore due to the amount of time that has passed since it was last commented on xxx
The forum is active. More people read the discussion and support section if you are looking for advice. The people in the thread you have commented on may not be active in the forum anymore due to the amount of time that has passed since it was last commented on xxx
I read this thread not seeing the date at first. I would still like to add my comments on this. I think the Police could've very well arrested losthusband knowing it wasn't him to obtain further proof that the accounts belonged to his husband. It could also be due to homophobia or downright incompetence but having been on the receiving end of the police trying to manipulate me against my partner, it wouldn't surprise me if they pleaded ignorance as a tactic to strengthen evidence as well as ostracise the offending husband by pitting losthusband through hell. I know the CPS insist that the police can show that there is no debate over who accounts belong to or who had access to the offending device so what better way to get that information than in a formal police interview. I hope losthusband has moved on and is happy in life.