Feeling so burnt out
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We're now 12 days from (hopefully sentencing) second hearing at magistrates court. He doesn't live with us (I won't allow it) and I have to supervise contact. I'm absolutely exhausted. My eldest has homework coming out of her ears which I'm doing my best to be involved in. My youngest is awaiting autism assessment and is extremely high needs in terms of emotional regulation and activity - yesterday was back to back trip into town, badminton, trampoline, badminton, running races, trampoline, cooking (fortunately with her dad), more trampoline, staying up late (her obsession) and then a protracted bedtime with bouncing games and bedtime stories. I don't get time to myself. At all.
she was meant to go climbing with a friend this morning but she's shut her finger in a door and is hysterical.
the blood is SCREAMING in my ears. Her dad's got a cold so is tucked up in bed at his flat recovering. I'm so burnt out right now. I just want some help to keep her safe and busy so I can regroup.
My job is such a great distraction but it's also extremely demanding and full-on. I feel calm and in control there, but spinning out at home.
she was meant to go climbing with a friend this morning but she's shut her finger in a door and is hysterical.
the blood is SCREAMING in my ears. Her dad's got a cold so is tucked up in bed at his flat recovering. I'm so burnt out right now. I just want some help to keep her safe and busy so I can regroup.
My job is such a great distraction but it's also extremely demanding and full-on. I feel calm and in control there, but spinning out at home.
I have no advice to offer but can send a big virtual hug.
I don't have kids at home (thank god for that!) but having just lost my mum and usually being the 'organised' one, it pretty much been left for me to make ALL the decisions, deal with funeral arrangements, solicitors, estate agents etc etc etc, all whilst privately navigating this shit show of my OHs making - we've not told the family and I feel like such a fraud at times, presenting this 'in control of everything' front whilst inwardly I'm broken and scared and just downright exhausted
So I do kind of understand ... Xxx
I don't have kids at home (thank god for that!) but having just lost my mum and usually being the 'organised' one, it pretty much been left for me to make ALL the decisions, deal with funeral arrangements, solicitors, estate agents etc etc etc, all whilst privately navigating this shit show of my OHs making - we've not told the family and I feel like such a fraud at times, presenting this 'in control of everything' front whilst inwardly I'm broken and scared and just downright exhausted
So I do kind of understand ... Xxx
I hear you. I was left disabled, dumped into being a lone parent with no help whatsoever as ex was remanded and sent to prison. I had no family, was also dumped permanently in the Benefit system and one of my children is Autistic too. I then became homeless. I so done as well. I don't have an answer or solution for you. All I can say is that I completely get it and although it probably feels like it, you're not alone in this. X
Thanks both. I hate the fact that anyone's going through this with me. I hate that I'm going through it.
I hear you, I really do. It almost seems ironic that the person responsible gets to pop in, have fun and the get alone time and sleep while we are on call 24/7 while processing grief and trauma. I am only 5 weeks in but have decided to seek out a fully checked babysitter to give me the opportunity for some time to myself. I may rarely use them but need to know I have someone there for my moments of exhaustion. Just so I can go and have a Costa on my own, or a walk or watch a film at the cinema. You deserve some sensory detox and time to recharge. I hope you can find a way that works for you
I hear you, I really do. It almost seems ironic that the person responsible gets to pop in, have fun and the get alone time and sleep while we are on call 24/7 while processing grief and trauma. I am only 5 weeks in but have decided to seek out a fully checked babysitter to give me the opportunity for some time to myself. I may rarely use them but need to know I have someone there for my moments of exhaustion. Just so I can go and have a Costa on my own, or a walk or watch a film at the cinema. You deserve some sensory detox and time to recharge. I hope you can find a way that works for you
Thanks starting. Sending you much needed hugs. I need to carve out time for myself, I'm a husk and the more I push away to find space for myself, the harder my youngest clings to me. Which is heartbreaking.
Oxygen mask etc etc.
I'm going to book a babysitter for Saturday morning and just go for a mooch.
Oxygen mask etc etc.
I'm going to book a babysitter for Saturday morning and just go for a mooch.
This is an area that doesn't get the recognition and support it deserves. The life of a single parent is hard but in a situation where the other parent can't take any of the load is soul crushing. In four and a half years I can count on my hands the number of times I've had a break from my daughter that wasn't the time she's at nursery.
We are cleared for unsupervised contact so I can go to the toilet on my own and she asked to stay with dad while I walked the dog the other week. With the school holidays looming I do think I need to look into a babysitter for a couple of days so I can have some time to myself. Like your youngest she is super clingy so whenever I do leave her she's so upset that I don't actually enjoy the break or get a mental break because I'm worried about her. Love and support to all as always xxx
We are cleared for unsupervised contact so I can go to the toilet on my own and she asked to stay with dad while I walked the dog the other week. With the school holidays looming I do think I need to look into a babysitter for a couple of days so I can have some time to myself. Like your youngest she is super clingy so whenever I do leave her she's so upset that I don't actually enjoy the break or get a mental break because I'm worried about her. Love and support to all as always xxx
Distressed have some hugs xxx
I'm just constantly disintegrating mentally when dealing with home life. I can cope ok with my ridiculous job but I feel like I'm constantly failing my children.
I'm speaking to my GP again tomorrow and am wondering about diazepam for the next 10 days. Just to get me through the run-up and hearing next Friday. I don't want to go back on Mirtazapine - it helped me mentally but I cannot cope with the extreme weight gain.
I'm speaking to my GP again tomorrow and am wondering about diazepam for the next 10 days. Just to get me through the run-up and hearing next Friday. I don't want to go back on Mirtazapine - it helped me mentally but I cannot cope with the extreme weight gain.
You're not failing your children lovely. You've been in trauma for a long time and it has psychological impacts. This is going to sound crazy, hippy weird but try to keep an open mind lol. Grab a picnic blanket and have your evening meal outside as many times as you can over the next couple of weeks. If you're close to an open grassy space even better, just take the kids outside with no expectations on any of you. It works for me. In terms of asking the dr for something to help you get through that has to be your call. I was pregnant so couldn't have anything but I did have cbt and paid privately for hypnotherapy which helped xxx
I really admire all of you. It must be so hard to keep going when you're totally exhausted.
Reading your posts helps me to count my blessings in that I am young enough, well enough and fit enough to provide the supervised contact between my son and his children. My son lives with me so we have his children to stay at weekends, one evening a week and half the school holidays which seems to work well for everyone.
It must be really tricky if your children are clingy. I know I found it really difficult when mine were young to leave them when they didn't want to be left. I think you all do an amazing job and really deserve recognition.
Reading your posts helps me to count my blessings in that I am young enough, well enough and fit enough to provide the supervised contact between my son and his children. My son lives with me so we have his children to stay at weekends, one evening a week and half the school holidays which seems to work well for everyone.
It must be really tricky if your children are clingy. I know I found it really difficult when mine were young to leave them when they didn't want to be left. I think you all do an amazing job and really deserve recognition.
Thank you all. Outside supper is a great idea. Make the most of the weather. I do feel much better this evening for just meeting myself where I am. I can do this. I'm a great mum.
After the umpteenth night of bad sleep and waking up with that horrible seething dread, I've decided to take today off and (subject to GP's agreement) go back on Mirtazapine. I just can't do this without being numbed / sedated / whatever.
It's crazy how well I was able to cope while on Mirtazapine - well enough to think I could do without it. This is such an extraordinarily awful situation with so much negatively impacted (ruined?) by it - my marriage, the children's carefree childhoods, my financial situation and hopes for the children's futures. I can't be beating myself up that I needed meds to get through it (on top of the meds I was already on due to lifelong generalised anxiety disorder).
i just hope I can come off the Mirtazapine soon after sentencing. It's the crippling uncertainty - that atom of a chance he'll get custodial or even just not get sentenced next Friday - that's flooring me.
It's crazy how well I was able to cope while on Mirtazapine - well enough to think I could do without it. This is such an extraordinarily awful situation with so much negatively impacted (ruined?) by it - my marriage, the children's carefree childhoods, my financial situation and hopes for the children's futures. I can't be beating myself up that I needed meds to get through it (on top of the meds I was already on due to lifelong generalised anxiety disorder).
i just hope I can come off the Mirtazapine soon after sentencing. It's the crippling uncertainty - that atom of a chance he'll get custodial or even just not get sentenced next Friday - that's flooring me.
I hope you get on well at the GP and are able to plot some time out for yourself today. Sending you the biggest of hugs xxx
I take 45mg of Mirtazapine. Been on it years since I became homeless. It helps me sleep but not always. GP's rarely prescribe Diazepam these days. X
Back on the Mirtazapine, to stay on it for 3 months or so. Working reduced hours for the next 2 weeks then I'm on leave for 2 weeks. I have a plan to get me through this carrying the children, instead of them carrying me.