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Afternoon
I have been a lurker here for months and months since the knock came seven months ago.
I had zero idea about my husband's double life and thought I was happily married, approaching our ten year anniversary. He insists he was happy too but it turned out he had been chatting online to other women and regularly accessing porn for the past six years. Anyway, someone started chatting to him and said they were 18 and then they moved to Kik Messenger and she said she was 14. They spoke for a few weeks, his Kik Messenger account was closed down, he assumed the police would have 'bigger fish to fry' and thought he had go away with it......until the knock. The solicitor thinks it's vigilante but the bottom line is, he didn't stop the chat. He never tried to meet her and he didn't send any images.
He had to move out due to bail conditions/children and I have seen him a bit over the past few months, picked over the why me, why wasn't I enough, what did I do wrong etc etc and a therapist is helping me now.
I think the legal stage is now imminent and he's likely to go on the Sex Offenders Register.........I am not sure I can stay married to him if that happens as I find it repulsive. I just can't get my head round the fact that a few weeks of online chat with a minor has resulted in the end of our life together and him with a criminal record.
Does anyone have any wise words? I have cried buckets and feel like I am grieving now.
Thank you so much.
I have been a lurker here for months and months since the knock came seven months ago.
I had zero idea about my husband's double life and thought I was happily married, approaching our ten year anniversary. He insists he was happy too but it turned out he had been chatting online to other women and regularly accessing porn for the past six years. Anyway, someone started chatting to him and said they were 18 and then they moved to Kik Messenger and she said she was 14. They spoke for a few weeks, his Kik Messenger account was closed down, he assumed the police would have 'bigger fish to fry' and thought he had go away with it......until the knock. The solicitor thinks it's vigilante but the bottom line is, he didn't stop the chat. He never tried to meet her and he didn't send any images.
He had to move out due to bail conditions/children and I have seen him a bit over the past few months, picked over the why me, why wasn't I enough, what did I do wrong etc etc and a therapist is helping me now.
I think the legal stage is now imminent and he's likely to go on the Sex Offenders Register.........I am not sure I can stay married to him if that happens as I find it repulsive. I just can't get my head round the fact that a few weeks of online chat with a minor has resulted in the end of our life together and him with a criminal record.
Does anyone have any wise words? I have cried buckets and feel like I am grieving now.
Thank you so much.
Oh flower 123
Isn't it just the worse thing, I found the fact my husband, the man of been with and loved for 15 years suddenly wasn't that mean, he didn't have the same morals.
It's the betrayal and the thought of those poor children that was the beginning of the end for me.
My ex had never taken responsibility or shown any remorse and that's been the worst part of this for me and also says there is a chance he will reoffend!
I'm so sorry you're going through it, no one deserves this and unless you have been through it you can't possibly understand how we're feeling and our emotions.
Have you been to see your GP, I was lucky, mine was amazing, if you haven't it might be worth going, I've also found counselling a life saver!
Things do improve but it's a horrible, slow process
Take care and keep coming on here xx
Isn't it just the worse thing, I found the fact my husband, the man of been with and loved for 15 years suddenly wasn't that mean, he didn't have the same morals.
It's the betrayal and the thought of those poor children that was the beginning of the end for me.
My ex had never taken responsibility or shown any remorse and that's been the worst part of this for me and also says there is a chance he will reoffend!
I'm so sorry you're going through it, no one deserves this and unless you have been through it you can't possibly understand how we're feeling and our emotions.
Have you been to see your GP, I was lucky, mine was amazing, if you haven't it might be worth going, I've also found counselling a life saver!
Things do improve but it's a horrible, slow process
Take care and keep coming on here xx
Flower123, this is a horrible time. Whether you stay with your husband on not there is support for you here.
Did your husband close his own Kik account? My husbands account was being monitored and him closing the account triggered the knock. It would have came eventually if he hadn't closed it though.
It is a shock going from being happily married, run of the mill couple to finding out the deep secrets. Like Tracey said, see your GP. You arent alone in this x
Did your husband close his own Kik account? My husbands account was being monitored and him closing the account triggered the knock. It would have came eventually if he hadn't closed it though.
It is a shock going from being happily married, run of the mill couple to finding out the deep secrets. Like Tracey said, see your GP. You arent alone in this x
Tracey - thank you. It's so horrible isn't it - I am just left bewildered by it all. He's full of remorse and regret and said that one exchange has been the only one but he's lied for so many years that I no longer know what's true and what isn't.
I haven't been to my GP - I just pay for counselling and tend to meditate and play my piano and have gone back to some of my usual hobbies.
it sounds likes you have been through the mill too and seeing you've popped out the other side gives me hope. xx
SallyBlue - He said he didn't close the Kik account and that one day when he tried to log in, it had been shut down. I have since found out the police contacted SS and think it was around the day it was shut. Sendind you love and strength xx
I haven't been to my GP - I just pay for counselling and tend to meditate and play my piano and have gone back to some of my usual hobbies.
it sounds likes you have been through the mill too and seeing you've popped out the other side gives me hope. xx
SallyBlue - He said he didn't close the Kik account and that one day when he tried to log in, it had been shut down. I have since found out the police contacted SS and think it was around the day it was shut. Sendind you love and strength xx
My ex is in complete deniel about his situation. I've struggled so much. I start counseling on Friday. Tremendously difficult time processing it all. From hatred, to trying to understand, to being pushed away, to my feelings or situation not being considered at all. Hence I'm now due to start counseling to process it all. For me. Not him. Your not alone in this but do seek further support x
Hi,
I know you posted a few months ago but I am now in the same position and just wondered how you are getting on?
We had the knock 2 weeks ago. I had absolutely no idea but he had been chatting to women on dating sites for the last 4 years - mainly normal dating sites and adults but then on and off talking to young adults on a different younger dating site. I now know he was abused as a child and he has autism and he cannot differentiate between what is virtual and real but that isnt an excuse. He was caught as part of a stinger operation - he chatted sexually but declined options to chat on whatsapp, take the number or meet as he never wanted that. He states he may have chatted on a handful of occasions to people underage (i know that he isnt attracted to children and that it is more about the talk - it wouldnt matter if they were underage of 100 if they reciprocated the chat). I said it would be easier if he had had an affair as i would have thrown him out. This has broken him and he was at severe risk of suicide so i have stayed with him currently to support him for our 22 month old's sake. He is on bail but allowed to stay in the family home just not to be on his own with anyone under 16. He gave the police everything, all log ons, details etc etc - he didnt have a solicitor present or an adult (for autism).
The last few days have been nearly normal (as normal as they can be) but then we were doing the stop it now course last night and it brought it back how devastating the results might be. Im not sure i could stay with him if he was put on SOR. I cant talk to anyone about it as I dont want them knowing. Mum mum knows and his parents and both our work places as it is having a big effect on everything.
Im worried we may lose everything. He could lose his job, we have only just bought our first home so im worried about losing that, and then my ability to work as with childcare i just couldnt afford to stay down here on my own but equally couldnt move back to my home area as the costs there are so high and any job would be lower pay. It literally has destroyed my world.
He shows complete remorse and is doing everything to try and sort it, but not sure that will mean much in the grand scheme of the police etc.
Sorry ive totally waffled on - first time posting on here
I know you posted a few months ago but I am now in the same position and just wondered how you are getting on?
We had the knock 2 weeks ago. I had absolutely no idea but he had been chatting to women on dating sites for the last 4 years - mainly normal dating sites and adults but then on and off talking to young adults on a different younger dating site. I now know he was abused as a child and he has autism and he cannot differentiate between what is virtual and real but that isnt an excuse. He was caught as part of a stinger operation - he chatted sexually but declined options to chat on whatsapp, take the number or meet as he never wanted that. He states he may have chatted on a handful of occasions to people underage (i know that he isnt attracted to children and that it is more about the talk - it wouldnt matter if they were underage of 100 if they reciprocated the chat). I said it would be easier if he had had an affair as i would have thrown him out. This has broken him and he was at severe risk of suicide so i have stayed with him currently to support him for our 22 month old's sake. He is on bail but allowed to stay in the family home just not to be on his own with anyone under 16. He gave the police everything, all log ons, details etc etc - he didnt have a solicitor present or an adult (for autism).
The last few days have been nearly normal (as normal as they can be) but then we were doing the stop it now course last night and it brought it back how devastating the results might be. Im not sure i could stay with him if he was put on SOR. I cant talk to anyone about it as I dont want them knowing. Mum mum knows and his parents and both our work places as it is having a big effect on everything.
Im worried we may lose everything. He could lose his job, we have only just bought our first home so im worried about losing that, and then my ability to work as with childcare i just couldnt afford to stay down here on my own but equally couldnt move back to my home area as the costs there are so high and any job would be lower pay. It literally has destroyed my world.
He shows complete remorse and is doing everything to try and sort it, but not sure that will mean much in the grand scheme of the police etc.
Sorry ive totally waffled on - first time posting on here
Hurt247 we are in a very similar predicament. We also got the knock 2 weeks ago, and i haven't seen him since. We have 2 children, 5 and 6 and his bail terms states he can't stay here. Flower123 how is everything now for you?
AI24 we are lucky that his bail says he can stay in our house as I need him for childcare so I can continue working from home. I trust him a million percent with our little one but I have to have cameras set up in every room so he isn't alone with him. The police even dropped him off here and let him tell me himself which I find weird! Still not had a call from ss but I was terrified they would take our little one away from me but I've been told that won't be the case
Hello hurt247 ????
just gone past 10 months since the knock.....he's been offered a simple caution and solicitor has advised him to take it.
We were doing ok and spending some time together but the legal stuff and seeing some evidence has triggered off a lot around how could he do that to me.
I have no idea what the future holds - some days I feel broken but I hide it all.
Everyone on here is amazing
Take care
just gone past 10 months since the knock.....he's been offered a simple caution and solicitor has advised him to take it.
We were doing ok and spending some time together but the legal stuff and seeing some evidence has triggered off a lot around how could he do that to me.
I have no idea what the future holds - some days I feel broken but I hide it all.
Everyone on here is amazing
Take care
Sorry I put a hug emoji on and it came up as question marks!
flower123 have you had any counselling? Im thinking of going for some - not sure whether it will help or not.
I understand the feeling of normality and then shock at the extent of things. I know im only 2 weeks in but sometimes it hits like a wave and then i just want to throw up - completely like grief in so many ways.
Sending huge hugs xx
I understand the feeling of normality and then shock at the extent of things. I know im only 2 weeks in but sometimes it hits like a wave and then i just want to throw up - completely like grief in so many ways.
Sending huge hugs xx
Flower 123 can i ask what are the conditions surrounding your children now? I have a 5 and 6yr old, he's currently not allowed unsupervisied contact. Glad to hear that he got a caution and hoefully you can start to move on. Were you given the caution after the 28 day bail or was it extended? Sorry for all the questions!
Hello
I have therapy and have read a lot and meditate and it all helps but I know recovery isn't linear and there will be ups and downs. It's impossible to take in that the person I shared everything with could destroy my world. Am very lucky I can stand alone financially so he will only ever come back by my choice rather than for financial reasons.
He was bailed 4 weeks which was extended to 3 months then released under investigation which has been another 7 months.
The shame I feel from his actions sometimes overwhelms me.
look after yourselves xx
I have therapy and have read a lot and meditate and it all helps but I know recovery isn't linear and there will be ups and downs. It's impossible to take in that the person I shared everything with could destroy my world. Am very lucky I can stand alone financially so he will only ever come back by my choice rather than for financial reasons.
He was bailed 4 weeks which was extended to 3 months then released under investigation which has been another 7 months.
The shame I feel from his actions sometimes overwhelms me.
look after yourselves xx
Hi flower 123, I am in exact same boat virtually,I've been married 22 years and have 3 teenage kids, my hubby was porn sites and chatting with women etc, never would i ever thought he would look at illegal images, well one the police said a cat c, still waiting for them to check his phone etc and its been 4 months since the knock! I insisted he dosent live ar home incase it goes court, so a different address is posted, but I am just waiting for the whole thing to explode now, with lockdown etc i feel like in a bubble thats waiting to pop, i have regular panic attacks and cant leave the house for anything, I feel like I'm on trial aswell as him and i did nothing wrong!! Sending huge hugs and best wishes for the future xx
Hello Owl - I don't know if you have felt the same but I feel so stupid that I never noticed anything as I trusted him implicitly and would never look on his laptop or phone. I thought we were happy and he insists he was.
100% we are on trial too - I have cried buckets in ten months and lay awake for hours wondering where it all went wrong but my therapist reminds me he us and adult and if he wasn't happy with anything, he had a responsibility to say something.
10 months on and still no answer to 'why' - he has 2 months left to provide a full explanation about his behaviour. I see him a bit but the recent police stuff has triggered off lots of upset.
Take care xxx
100% we are on trial too - I have cried buckets in ten months and lay awake for hours wondering where it all went wrong but my therapist reminds me he us and adult and if he wasn't happy with anything, he had a responsibility to say something.
10 months on and still no answer to 'why' - he has 2 months left to provide a full explanation about his behaviour. I see him a bit but the recent police stuff has triggered off lots of upset.
Take care xxx
Hi flower 123, yes I completely was unaware as to what was going on, its been an utter bombshell to say the least! My emotions are everywhere at minute too its truly harrowing xx sending you big hugs xx