He's offended for longer than I thought
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The idiot husband is now 3 weeks in on his Inform Plus course. He was telling me about last night's session and his main focus is getting to later on in the course to get info for his practical future - employment opportunities, money, where he'll live etc. That's him all over, focusing on the practical rather than the emotional and mental. As the conversation went on I realised I've either misunderstood something, he didn't explain it well or he thinks he's told me but acually hasn't.
It turns out that he's been viewing this vile content for a lot longer than I realised. I understood it that he'd started just before Christmas, which tallied with the date on the search warrant. It turns out, if I understand correctly, that's when it escalated. He's been looking at it sporadically for years, even before we got together 13 years ago. He can't say when and how often, as his poor memory is even worse at the moment, but dates are irrelevant. The point is that it's been going on for years. Through all the times I've tried to address our intimacy problems that cropped up around a year into our relationship. Through all the times I've been palmed off with crap excuses, or told my weight was putting him off, and through all the times i suggested therapy and was rebuffed. I feel like I've been crushed to the ground again. I'm self employed and have to work, but I'm struggling to even get out of bed today.
I've already made my choice to seperate from him, but hadn't yet had that conversation. I know I've been putting it off, but now its coming round sooner than I expected. Hes always maintained that viewing this stuff was about the adrenaline thrill and that he didn't get any sexual gratification from it, but how can I believe that now? I've been wanting to see the good in him, to not let this define him, but right now, I can't even look at him.
It turns out that he's been viewing this vile content for a lot longer than I realised. I understood it that he'd started just before Christmas, which tallied with the date on the search warrant. It turns out, if I understand correctly, that's when it escalated. He's been looking at it sporadically for years, even before we got together 13 years ago. He can't say when and how often, as his poor memory is even worse at the moment, but dates are irrelevant. The point is that it's been going on for years. Through all the times I've tried to address our intimacy problems that cropped up around a year into our relationship. Through all the times I've been palmed off with crap excuses, or told my weight was putting him off, and through all the times i suggested therapy and was rebuffed. I feel like I've been crushed to the ground again. I'm self employed and have to work, but I'm struggling to even get out of bed today.
I've already made my choice to seperate from him, but hadn't yet had that conversation. I know I've been putting it off, but now its coming round sooner than I expected. Hes always maintained that viewing this stuff was about the adrenaline thrill and that he didn't get any sexual gratification from it, but how can I believe that now? I've been wanting to see the good in him, to not let this define him, but right now, I can't even look at him.
I'm so sorry to hear this Poppet - certainly sounds like he's not going to take responsibility for what he did.
Only you can make the decision to end the relationship and I think you've made the right decision for you. You deserve so much better.
Thinking of you and sending hugs xx
Only you can make the decision to end the relationship and I think you've made the right decision for you. You deserve so much better.
Thinking of you and sending hugs xx
Oh poppet I'm so soory
but you know what I'm about to tell you; it's never been about you. This whole thing is a HIM problem. My person did all this despite still having that loving adult connection at home. Again- he was only charged for and admitted to a very recent spell but reading between the lines I can't say for sure he hasn't been doing this for years. Maybe not the illegal part and who he's been messaging/sending images. But the flippant "it's just x" attitude has made me realise he may have been seeking emotional and sexual gratification elsewhere long before he was caught.
I could drive myself mad wondering how long and whether he ever loved me etc but I'm not going to. None of this is my fault I did not force him down this route. I have realised that even though the decision to divorce was hard and painful, he's not the person I thought he was. I was in love with the man he never was. Not my favourite actress but Megan Fox said this about one of her exes.
’ll always be inlove with the man you’ll never become
I loved you once but love isn’t blind I’ve opened my eyes left the past behind. I gave you my heart, I gave you my trust But love shouldn’t settle for “almost” or “just”
I hoped you would rise, I hoped you would see The man you could be if you’d fought next to me But hope turns to weight when it’s carried too long And love loses meaning when one grows too strong.
I left for good there’s no looking back No tears worth shedding no feelings id wanna retract. You stayed in your ways and I won’t wait for none, But I’ll always be in love with the man you’ll never become.
but you know what I'm about to tell you; it's never been about you. This whole thing is a HIM problem. My person did all this despite still having that loving adult connection at home. Again- he was only charged for and admitted to a very recent spell but reading between the lines I can't say for sure he hasn't been doing this for years. Maybe not the illegal part and who he's been messaging/sending images. But the flippant "it's just x" attitude has made me realise he may have been seeking emotional and sexual gratification elsewhere long before he was caught.
I could drive myself mad wondering how long and whether he ever loved me etc but I'm not going to. None of this is my fault I did not force him down this route. I have realised that even though the decision to divorce was hard and painful, he's not the person I thought he was. I was in love with the man he never was. Not my favourite actress but Megan Fox said this about one of her exes.
’ll always be inlove with the man you’ll never become
I loved you once but love isn’t blind I’ve opened my eyes left the past behind. I gave you my heart, I gave you my trust But love shouldn’t settle for “almost” or “just”
I hoped you would rise, I hoped you would see The man you could be if you’d fought next to me But hope turns to weight when it’s carried too long And love loses meaning when one grows too strong.
I left for good there’s no looking back No tears worth shedding no feelings id wanna retract. You stayed in your ways and I won’t wait for none, But I’ll always be in love with the man you’ll never become.
hi poppet
i'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation unfortunately some people just can't help themselves my OH reoffended after 10 years why I have no idea which is so sad but please believe it is not your fault and it is nothing you have ever done You don't deserve this maybe try calling the helpline they're very good to talk to very understanding sending you lots of love and hugs xx
i'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation unfortunately some people just can't help themselves my OH reoffended after 10 years why I have no idea which is so sad but please believe it is not your fault and it is nothing you have ever done You don't deserve this maybe try calling the helpline they're very good to talk to very understanding sending you lots of love and hugs xx
Thanks for your support everyone. I called the helpline yesterday and the lady I spoke to said I seem really strong and stoic, but its probably time for some counselling. I'll look into that with Stop So as they'll be able to recommend someone with experience in this field.
I couldnt keep it all in, so as soon as he got home from work, I told him I'm done, we're over, and that we are seperating and he needs to start looking for somewhere to live, now. He was really upset, but so deluded. He's still maintains he didn't see any violence....child abuse is literally violence!!! He wants to skip to the practical parts of his course that talk about employment, money, and housing rather than going through the emotional part. That's just typically him. And even though this could go on for 2 years and more, he thought that I could forgive him after the work he's doing. Did he really think I'm going to put my life on hold until the judicial process reaches its conclusion, particularly after I realised this has been going on for years and not since last Christmas?! I haven't put a time on when he needs to go, but i will. I couldn't take much more last night without thinking practically.
Little Robin - how I wished I'd listened to my instincts and saw those red flags with more clarity. I'm sure this will be something to unpack with therapy, but right now, I can't help but think I've wasted 13 years with this man. I should've ended things a year into the relationship when his supposed issues with my weight cropped up. And I should never have married him. I'm in my early 50s and my future feels so uncertain now, all because of his repulsive tendencies.
I couldnt keep it all in, so as soon as he got home from work, I told him I'm done, we're over, and that we are seperating and he needs to start looking for somewhere to live, now. He was really upset, but so deluded. He's still maintains he didn't see any violence....child abuse is literally violence!!! He wants to skip to the practical parts of his course that talk about employment, money, and housing rather than going through the emotional part. That's just typically him. And even though this could go on for 2 years and more, he thought that I could forgive him after the work he's doing. Did he really think I'm going to put my life on hold until the judicial process reaches its conclusion, particularly after I realised this has been going on for years and not since last Christmas?! I haven't put a time on when he needs to go, but i will. I couldn't take much more last night without thinking practically.
Little Robin - how I wished I'd listened to my instincts and saw those red flags with more clarity. I'm sure this will be something to unpack with therapy, but right now, I can't help but think I've wasted 13 years with this man. I should've ended things a year into the relationship when his supposed issues with my weight cropped up. And I should never have married him. I'm in my early 50s and my future feels so uncertain now, all because of his repulsive tendencies.
I'm so sorry to hear this poppet, it must have been devastating. I'm in the same boat as you and LittleRobin; lack of intimacy and feeling like there was something wrong with me. I spent years wondering why he wasn't interested and can't believe I spent 19 years living like this. I got used to it in the end and it became less important but it's a gut punch to find out the reason for his lack of attraction. Only difference in my situation is, he's still lying.
Hi LittleRobin
I agree with what you're saying, it's also very cruel. Robbing us of the chance of a fulfilling relationship because they need a disguise and then allowing us to feel bad about ourselves. We won't get those years back ????
I agree with what you're saying, it's also very cruel. Robbing us of the chance of a fulfilling relationship because they need a disguise and then allowing us to feel bad about ourselves. We won't get those years back ????
I think my husbands offending went on for far longer - not just the couple of times before he was arrested. Many of these men just can't seem to be honest about it.
My husband threatenec to leave ave many times die my lack of interest in sex. It was always my fault. Now I wonder. Better off rid of him.
My husband threatenec to leave ave many times die my lack of interest in sex. It was always my fault. Now I wonder. Better off rid of him.
Thanks everyone for your support. I'm so grateful for this forum, everyone on it, The Lucy Faithfull Foundation and everyone involved. Its been such a place of comfort, information and validation for me.
The idiot husband will be gone in 2-3 weeks. He finally accepts that I can't continue in this marriage and he has to go, and that his only choice financially is to go to his mums. She's a hoarder so he needs to clear out rooms before he can move in, plus he needs to do some practical things for me. So 2-3 weeks will go by pretty quickly I hope, then its all about me and my recovery. Xx
The idiot husband will be gone in 2-3 weeks. He finally accepts that I can't continue in this marriage and he has to go, and that his only choice financially is to go to his mums. She's a hoarder so he needs to clear out rooms before he can move in, plus he needs to do some practical things for me. So 2-3 weeks will go by pretty quickly I hope, then its all about me and my recovery. Xx
I'm so pleased for you Poppet and you're right, those 2/3 weeks will fly by. It sounds like you need to do this because otherwise you'll be living in limbo for however long. We need to remember that we haven't done anything wrong and we don't owe it to them to support them in the way they want. It's been a month for me and I'm feeling much better than I was. It will be the same for you too x
Thanks for giving me some hope SecretSquirrel. Its absolutely the right decision. I refuse to be brought down by his stupid, selfish, disgusting actions. I really admire people who stay with their partners and can be forgiving, and I wish I could be that person, but I can't. Whether we can be friends in the future, I don't know. Right now I doubt it. He's done too much damage to deserve my time and support.
I thought maybe we could stay friends but in reality that hasn't happened. I need to keep some distance between us.
I think the accepting we haven't done anything wrong is something we as women find hard. But we haven't and we need to look after ourselves. We can rebuild our lives. Im on the brink of a new life - buying my own little new home and meeting a lovely lovely man. Things I wouldn't have thought possible several years ago.
I think the accepting we haven't done anything wrong is something we as women find hard. But we haven't and we need to look after ourselves. We can rebuild our lives. Im on the brink of a new life - buying my own little new home and meeting a lovely lovely man. Things I wouldn't have thought possible several years ago.