2 year in
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It's been 2 years since my d day.
I don't remember the exact day or date (that is trauma for you) but I do remember having to cancel my holiday booked for myself and my teenage daughter and having to rebook to take her and her 4 year old half brother due to bail conditions as it was too late to change (and I made him pay for the whole holiday out of his savings) And I do remember the loneliness and pain of those early weeks.
My journey so has been to stay, something I question a lot and I do feel a bit trapped in many ways to stay.... financially and for the sake of our child, and family but I'm trying to move on from this but on balance I see his progress.
my husband is in SAA and goes weekly. He has a stopso counsellor that he sees fortnightly still. He also did their course. He is deeply embarrassed about how his porn escalated to this, and is trying to be a better man. I did inform for partners and for a while had my own stopso counsellor.
Social services had all the children on a child in need plan but then closed the case after 9months once he was on RUI.
So day to day I forget about this but in quieter moments it comes slamming back into my memory. The one thing I've shared with no one in my life other than this group.
I live in fear of the second interview, CPS and the court process.
My husband solicitor asks for an update every 3 months and gets a bland non answer from the police. Last month the non answer scared by husband as they mentioned the cps but I read it and thought it was no progress and it talked about 4 devices when they only have 1 so I genuinely think it wasn't even about his case.
my life has moved on as I have restarted my career, found more confidence through that as his career has stalled..... I've have become more of a feminist as I expect him to do his 50% in fact he does more of the childcare day to day now while I'm in the office and he works for himself.
the world will come crashing down again when social services come back into our lives post sentencing and may even make him move out again but trying to focus on the positive is that by the time this all happens again both my teenagers will be over 18, and we will have one 6 or maybe 7 year old that needs to go through the trauma of social services involvement.
in terms of our relationship there are good and bad days. I wish I'd seen some of the red flags earlier. I look back at photos from e.g 2017 and see us happy but he had deep unresolved issues re his family and confidence. A new job and the pressures of this from 2018 onwards brought all of this to light and led into a porn & alcohol addiction. We used to fight a lot about his drinking as I knew about that! I'll always be damaged and super sensitive about the gaslightly and lying for him.
thank you for reading, this is therapy to talk to this group who understand ..... maybe I'm just looking back to see how much I have grown and reflecting on how much sadly trauma I know there is to come, some day, one day.....
I don't remember the exact day or date (that is trauma for you) but I do remember having to cancel my holiday booked for myself and my teenage daughter and having to rebook to take her and her 4 year old half brother due to bail conditions as it was too late to change (and I made him pay for the whole holiday out of his savings) And I do remember the loneliness and pain of those early weeks.
My journey so has been to stay, something I question a lot and I do feel a bit trapped in many ways to stay.... financially and for the sake of our child, and family but I'm trying to move on from this but on balance I see his progress.
my husband is in SAA and goes weekly. He has a stopso counsellor that he sees fortnightly still. He also did their course. He is deeply embarrassed about how his porn escalated to this, and is trying to be a better man. I did inform for partners and for a while had my own stopso counsellor.
Social services had all the children on a child in need plan but then closed the case after 9months once he was on RUI.
So day to day I forget about this but in quieter moments it comes slamming back into my memory. The one thing I've shared with no one in my life other than this group.
I live in fear of the second interview, CPS and the court process.
My husband solicitor asks for an update every 3 months and gets a bland non answer from the police. Last month the non answer scared by husband as they mentioned the cps but I read it and thought it was no progress and it talked about 4 devices when they only have 1 so I genuinely think it wasn't even about his case.
my life has moved on as I have restarted my career, found more confidence through that as his career has stalled..... I've have become more of a feminist as I expect him to do his 50% in fact he does more of the childcare day to day now while I'm in the office and he works for himself.
the world will come crashing down again when social services come back into our lives post sentencing and may even make him move out again but trying to focus on the positive is that by the time this all happens again both my teenagers will be over 18, and we will have one 6 or maybe 7 year old that needs to go through the trauma of social services involvement.
in terms of our relationship there are good and bad days. I wish I'd seen some of the red flags earlier. I look back at photos from e.g 2017 and see us happy but he had deep unresolved issues re his family and confidence. A new job and the pressures of this from 2018 onwards brought all of this to light and led into a porn & alcohol addiction. We used to fight a lot about his drinking as I knew about that! I'll always be damaged and super sensitive about the gaslightly and lying for him.
thank you for reading, this is therapy to talk to this group who understand ..... maybe I'm just looking back to see how much I have grown and reflecting on how much sadly trauma I know there is to come, some day, one day.....
I could have written this myself. The normal life we have is just waiting to be torn apart again and who knows when (because, like you, the police don't even bother to answer the requests for updates from the solicitor).
The fear of the future is real, like you the fear of social services, who have been out of our lives for a year now, coming back makes me so angry. But all we can do is live for now.
I am optimistic about our future. The changes my OH have made have been emence. It has been (and continues to be ) a difficult and embarrassing and gut renching process. This is part of our story, and no matter how it turns out, I am determined it wont define me, or my family unit. Sending love and at the end of a message if you need xxx
The fear of the future is real, like you the fear of social services, who have been out of our lives for a year now, coming back makes me so angry. But all we can do is live for now.
I am optimistic about our future. The changes my OH have made have been emence. It has been (and continues to be ) a difficult and embarrassing and gut renching process. This is part of our story, and no matter how it turns out, I am determined it wont define me, or my family unit. Sending love and at the end of a message if you need xxx
Hi scaredmum and overwhelmed - a third person like you here, although I'm a mum not a partner and my son is an adult with children (who now live with us due to complicated issues in their maternal family meaning they're not safe living with their mother).
We have finally been told via our son via his solicitor that the police have sent things off to the CPS, the OIC having told the children's SW back in October that it was ready to send off then. She sure takes ages to get around to doing anything. Surely she wasn't lying back in October?? That was said sarkily by the way!
The solicitor said it would be about 4 weeks for the CPS to make a decision and that was 6 weeks ago. It's a horrible limbo to be in and every time our son wants to talk to us my heart misses a beat and my stomach lurches until I know what it's about.
My husband and I are taking the children on holiday in about 10 days, only just booked as we didn't want to book it and then find out there was a court date for whilst we were away for our son as we want to support him. I really hope and pray that he doesn't get charged in the next 10 days as I want to enjoy our holiday without any thunderbolts landing until after we get back. My husband is more pragmatic and says it will come when it comes and no point in fretting as that won't change anything. Oh to have a mindset like that!
Anyway - here's to us and the many others waiting and wondering and worrying. I think we should be called the 3W club xx
We have finally been told via our son via his solicitor that the police have sent things off to the CPS, the OIC having told the children's SW back in October that it was ready to send off then. She sure takes ages to get around to doing anything. Surely she wasn't lying back in October?? That was said sarkily by the way!
The solicitor said it would be about 4 weeks for the CPS to make a decision and that was 6 weeks ago. It's a horrible limbo to be in and every time our son wants to talk to us my heart misses a beat and my stomach lurches until I know what it's about.
My husband and I are taking the children on holiday in about 10 days, only just booked as we didn't want to book it and then find out there was a court date for whilst we were away for our son as we want to support him. I really hope and pray that he doesn't get charged in the next 10 days as I want to enjoy our holiday without any thunderbolts landing until after we get back. My husband is more pragmatic and says it will come when it comes and no point in fretting as that won't change anything. Oh to have a mindset like that!
Anyway - here's to us and the many others waiting and wondering and worrying. I think we should be called the 3W club xx
Looking back I took can see the red flags - the affair, the porn going back decades, the drinking. Wish I had spoken up at the time and then maybe I would have got out of the market earlier and saved myself the trauma of the knock.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.