Family and Friends Forum

Wishing everyone a peaceful and kind Sunday evening. I'm chivvying the kids towards bedtime here and we've got a very busy week ahead with school production (youngest) and end of term (eldest), which I'm grateful for as my husband will hopefully be sentenced on Friday.
I have these moments of horrific clarity, like boiling water suddenly sloshing through my system. The Mirtazapine is generally helping me stay slightly detached and fairly sedated/blunted which I'm grateful for.
I haven't smiled for a few days, and certainly not a genuine smile for weeks. I don't want to be around him at the moment but I care about him, and the kids like seeing him, so I'm saying nothing and sticking to routine.
He's packed his 'just in case' bag and pre-written various letters for a fellow addict to send on his behalf if need be. I've asked to see the chat log on the morning of the hearing so the papers can't catch me unawares.
working 4 short days this week as a compromise between 'pretend this isn't happening' and 'collapse in a wobbly heap'.
I really hope we're all done on Friday so I can start to rebuild my life.

Thank you all. I will keep posting on this thread this week as an outlet.
Mummy-to-lots I have not involved myself in the prep for the hearing - this is his mess and he's dealing with it - but I think he used the info here: https://prisonguide.co.uk/what-to-take-into-prison/

He did a big Amazon order of bag, clothes, a cd player, watch etc - hopefully he'll get to return everything except the bag next week.

He's going with a fellow addict (with same conviction) for support - that person has my contact info and the letters ready to send if need be (work, tenancy etc).

in terms of preparing the children, I think I'll tell them in the morning that the local paper may write about his case, but I'm not mentioning the possibility of custodial. It seems a lot of avoidable trauma to place on the kids even if only for a few hours before telling them it didn't happen. If he does get custodial, I'll say the judge was very cross and wants dad to get some intensive treatment to make sure he never does this again, so dad has to go to a special centre for people who've done the same as him, to work hard on proving he's a better person.

In my letter to the judge / magistrates I have stated that a custodial sentence would primarily punish our children.

I'm so incredulous and angry that he's put me in a position where I have to write such a letter. I will never trust him or any man for the rest of my life. Im lucky to have lots of strong female friendships and never want to live with a man again.

Daisy the inconsistency between areas / individual officers is appalling. Chronic uncertainty is surely a form of torture / psychological warfare. I know the pain you're in and hope you get some relief very soon xxx

Thanks Caggie xx

I just had a wave of huge sadness, mourning my marriage and hopes for the future. Part of me thinks we might reconcile when the kids have grown up but I also think that's the part of me that's scared to let go. I feel like I should just grieve and move on - acknowledge the bereavement and stop holding out hope. But maybe that's also not healthy and is another form of lying to myself.
Either way I need to mourn my marriage as it was, even if it does come back in some form later. It's been 13 months since my relationship of nearly 22 years blew up. The impending hearing has really brought this sadness and loss to the forefront of my mind.

T-2 days and I'm ok. Much stronger than I thought I'd be. Today my youngest is in the first of 2 school performances of a lovely musical, which I'm so looking forward to watching. This time last year I was 1 month post-knock and watching my eldest in her year 6 production, and I could barely breathe from the pain of her seeing me in the audience alone, abandoned by their dad in favour of his disgusting online behaviour. I felt this overwhelming fury and heartbreak for the girls and how their dad had thrown everything away for - what?

This year I'm mostly a strong confident single mum - occasional spectacular wobbles but mostly I'm crushing it. The girls are used to dad not being there for their big performances - or indeed their small ones - and I completely support the schools in refusing him entry.

It's strange that at work I come over all peculiar when I have to put a meeting in my diary for next week. I can't envisage next week. It's this weird grey splodge in my mind. I can comprehend the following week, as I'm taking the girls away on a 5 day road trip, but next week is this weird void. Schrodingers week, where my husband both has his job and doesn't have it, is in the papers or isn't, has gone to prison or hasn't.

I was out running at 5.55am and will slog through a reduced-hours day at work today. Then tomorrow I'm in the office and it sort of feels like a farewell to post-knock me - on Friday I'm through the looking glass into a mystery future but the uncertainty will be over. When I'm back at work next week it'll be a different me.

Poppet you've hit the nail right on the head there - I'm guilty of 'choosing the long term pain of saying yes over the short term sadness of saying no' and that's a lifelong habit.
If I could wave a magic wand I'd choose a painless amicable separation where we continue to function as a two-household family with the kids at front a centre, and our relationship is quietly and undramatically put to rest. I do have that power to create that life but it requires me to be clear and hold a difficult line. I am hoping I find that courage post-sentencing.