Am I being manipulated?
Notifications OFF
Hi, I'm not very good at writing what I'm trying to convey but here goes..
The ex, my adult children's father has been sent to prison recently for the second time. The first time, although we divorced, I "supported " him by visiting him mainly for my poor children's sakes who adored him but weren't allowed any contact whatsoever, not even letters or calls. This time, he literally only has me. No one else is contacting him although he rings his father from time to time who does speak to him. It's been 3 1/2 years since the second knock and it's been sheer Hell. All the delays and the constant worry about the press AGAIN have taken an enormous toll on me and my adult child who I live with and care for. I've developed very serious auto immune diseases and my mental health is awful.
The ex rings me regularly from prison and we have weekly virtual visits. Its been really hard because this time round he seems to be suffering much more than the first time so he's often very tearful. He's been there 6 weeks so far and has moved prison and cells numerous times. I noticed after about 10 days that every time we speak he talks about what will happen when he gets out. He talks about all the things he'll be able to do for us. He was my carer before he got put inside again. He's got a meeting with probation soon who want to know his plans upon release. So when he phoned the other day he said he was doing to tell P that he'll be returning to live with his elderly father to look after him but that he would also be caring for me and was that ok for him to tell them that? This man has caused me so much harm but other than the adult child I live with, I have no one else. I can't work out if he's manipulating me. He knows I'm struggling with household tasks etc now he's not around but in alot of ways, I really regret letting him back into my life before the second knock. Its like he's saying to me that I can't manage on my own so I'll have to let him back into our lives again. He's been my best friend for over 30 years. Its hard to slam the door in his face even though he's caused so much harm.
There's no point to this post, I'm just venting I guess. I really wish I was "stronger". Thanks for "listening". X
The ex, my adult children's father has been sent to prison recently for the second time. The first time, although we divorced, I "supported " him by visiting him mainly for my poor children's sakes who adored him but weren't allowed any contact whatsoever, not even letters or calls. This time, he literally only has me. No one else is contacting him although he rings his father from time to time who does speak to him. It's been 3 1/2 years since the second knock and it's been sheer Hell. All the delays and the constant worry about the press AGAIN have taken an enormous toll on me and my adult child who I live with and care for. I've developed very serious auto immune diseases and my mental health is awful.
The ex rings me regularly from prison and we have weekly virtual visits. Its been really hard because this time round he seems to be suffering much more than the first time so he's often very tearful. He's been there 6 weeks so far and has moved prison and cells numerous times. I noticed after about 10 days that every time we speak he talks about what will happen when he gets out. He talks about all the things he'll be able to do for us. He was my carer before he got put inside again. He's got a meeting with probation soon who want to know his plans upon release. So when he phoned the other day he said he was doing to tell P that he'll be returning to live with his elderly father to look after him but that he would also be caring for me and was that ok for him to tell them that? This man has caused me so much harm but other than the adult child I live with, I have no one else. I can't work out if he's manipulating me. He knows I'm struggling with household tasks etc now he's not around but in alot of ways, I really regret letting him back into my life before the second knock. Its like he's saying to me that I can't manage on my own so I'll have to let him back into our lives again. He's been my best friend for over 30 years. Its hard to slam the door in his face even though he's caused so much harm.
There's no point to this post, I'm just venting I guess. I really wish I was "stronger". Thanks for "listening". X
Oh bless you - I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I've been on this forum for several months so have followed your story and have felt for you so much.
I strongly believe that, for me at least, there would be no more chances given after a second offence. I know how much support you gave him after the first because I see me in you. I have done nothing but support my OH, by helping him with HR meetings for work for 6 months, accompanying him (as far as i was allowed) to police interviews, by finding him mental health support after his suicide attempt, encouraging him to do the Safer lives course and counselling.
I've also supported him throughout his depression, anxiety and everything else that went along with it.
If my OH was stupid enough, cruel enough to offend again after all I have given, there would be no coming back.
Thinking of you and your kids xxx
I strongly believe that, for me at least, there would be no more chances given after a second offence. I know how much support you gave him after the first because I see me in you. I have done nothing but support my OH, by helping him with HR meetings for work for 6 months, accompanying him (as far as i was allowed) to police interviews, by finding him mental health support after his suicide attempt, encouraging him to do the Safer lives course and counselling.
I've also supported him throughout his depression, anxiety and everything else that went along with it.
If my OH was stupid enough, cruel enough to offend again after all I have given, there would be no coming back.
Thinking of you and your kids xxx
lostinthewoods
It's so incredibly complicated. My ex is a true P, so I should've known he would reoffend. But since then, he's become a carer for his elderly father and for me and my child. He's also engaged with a StopSO therapist every other week for 3 years. All of that has gone now because he was sent to prison. What's prison going to do? Nothing, but he deserves it. Hey doesn't deserve us. The problem is our vulnerability. We lost everything and everyone because of him. He's all there's left. It's so very confusing and difficult. The last 3 years of hell wouldn't have happened if I'd walked away but he was the ONLY person I could call on when my child and I became homeless. I was suicidal with pain and anxiety. I just couldn't do it alone with no help, no car, no money, nothing. But I'm really scared to get involved again. If I walk away, it will be literally my adult child and I. There's no one else. And I run the risk of the ex doing something stupid. I'm just so confused.
It's so incredibly complicated. My ex is a true P, so I should've known he would reoffend. But since then, he's become a carer for his elderly father and for me and my child. He's also engaged with a StopSO therapist every other week for 3 years. All of that has gone now because he was sent to prison. What's prison going to do? Nothing, but he deserves it. Hey doesn't deserve us. The problem is our vulnerability. We lost everything and everyone because of him. He's all there's left. It's so very confusing and difficult. The last 3 years of hell wouldn't have happened if I'd walked away but he was the ONLY person I could call on when my child and I became homeless. I was suicidal with pain and anxiety. I just couldn't do it alone with no help, no car, no money, nothing. But I'm really scared to get involved again. If I walk away, it will be literally my adult child and I. There's no one else. And I run the risk of the ex doing something stupid. I'm just so confused.
Robin, I've followed your story and it's heartbreaking. I hope you don't believe your happiness is dependent on your EX's choices. Is there no way to find some joy of your own?
Is he manipulating you? Only if he is dishonest of his intentions. Is he telling you he wants to be your husband, which your prior messages implied this would be deceitful on his part. Or is he proposing you be friends only and that he would like to help you out with tasks around the house. I don't necessarily think the latter has to be manipulation. It sounds like you enjoy each other's company.
You can cut ties or keep him around for whatever reason you like! Even if it's because you just want some help around the house. That's ok! Give yourself permission to do what's best for you.
Is he manipulating you? Only if he is dishonest of his intentions. Is he telling you he wants to be your husband, which your prior messages implied this would be deceitful on his part. Or is he proposing you be friends only and that he would like to help you out with tasks around the house. I don't necessarily think the latter has to be manipulation. It sounds like you enjoy each other's company.
You can cut ties or keep him around for whatever reason you like! Even if it's because you just want some help around the house. That's ok! Give yourself permission to do what's best for you.
He definitely doesn't want to be married, he's happy being "out" and I moved aboard and divorced him to get away from it all. But, because of him my life has become extremely limited and difficult.