I know I’m done. But how do I do it?
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Since sentencing it's as though he's got away with it. No media and a suspended sentence means he can carry on with work, socialising etc as before. The biggest impact has been the ban on owning or using games consoles.
This seems to have emboldened his sense of entitlement and resentment, such that he blathers on endlessly about how hard it is to go without an Xbox, how time consuming the probation / Mosovo meetings are, how unfair it is that this'll be on his record for 10 years, etc etc.
He's had the audacity to visit in a foul mood the day after sentencing, saying he's feeling resentful about his restrictions. He's acted confused about why the children are upset and angry with him, and why their lives are in any way less than they should be grateful for. He's described his repulsive online behaviour as 'silly' when talking to the children. He's talking about when he can start increasing contact and even assuming he'll move into an annexe in the garden rather than 'waste money' on living separately.
I need to be done with it. In the 24h before sentencing and the 24h after sentencing i found out enough about who he was online - when I thought he was someone else entirely -that I just cannot accept his sense of entitlement and resentment for the minor curtailment of his online behaviour. I'm outraged and traumatised by it all over again I feel like I've built this wall to keep me and the children safe but he keeps pushing against it and forcing me to expend energy reinforcing that wall day after day after day. I stand up to him each time but it's exhausting me
I'm the child of horrendous domestic violence and today my therapist asked me what behaviours / attitudes I should be modelling for my daughters, with everything I lived through.
I want to end it but I don't know how. Like, how to say it and for it not to be batted back with self pity, begging, pleading, promises to change etc. how do I do that thing. How do I be brave and strong and stop trying to square a circle? Believe me I've asked chatGPT... I know the words I need to use but the actual feat of doing it feels beyond me.
This seems to have emboldened his sense of entitlement and resentment, such that he blathers on endlessly about how hard it is to go without an Xbox, how time consuming the probation / Mosovo meetings are, how unfair it is that this'll be on his record for 10 years, etc etc.
He's had the audacity to visit in a foul mood the day after sentencing, saying he's feeling resentful about his restrictions. He's acted confused about why the children are upset and angry with him, and why their lives are in any way less than they should be grateful for. He's described his repulsive online behaviour as 'silly' when talking to the children. He's talking about when he can start increasing contact and even assuming he'll move into an annexe in the garden rather than 'waste money' on living separately.
I need to be done with it. In the 24h before sentencing and the 24h after sentencing i found out enough about who he was online - when I thought he was someone else entirely -that I just cannot accept his sense of entitlement and resentment for the minor curtailment of his online behaviour. I'm outraged and traumatised by it all over again I feel like I've built this wall to keep me and the children safe but he keeps pushing against it and forcing me to expend energy reinforcing that wall day after day after day. I stand up to him each time but it's exhausting me
I'm the child of horrendous domestic violence and today my therapist asked me what behaviours / attitudes I should be modelling for my daughters, with everything I lived through.
I want to end it but I don't know how. Like, how to say it and for it not to be batted back with self pity, begging, pleading, promises to change etc. how do I do that thing. How do I be brave and strong and stop trying to square a circle? Believe me I've asked chatGPT... I know the words I need to use but the actual feat of doing it feels beyond me.
I felt similar to you Lisa. I had an idea as to what I wanted to say but I just couldn't get the words from my brain and out of my mouth. Because once they're spoken, thats it, it's done.
It took the realisation that my idiot husband had been looking at IIOC for years, not less than three months to be able to end our marriage. That armed me with what I needed to JFDI (Just F'ing do it) , and I haven't looked back. You have everything you need - all the sordid details, his appalling behaviour since sentencing, the impact on you and your children, and an idea of the potential consequences. I have no proper words of advice apart from, just do it. Don't work up to it, don't rehearse it, don't try and wait for the right time. Next time you see him, just do it. Be succinct and straight to the point. There's no need for a lead up. Once you've got those first few words out of "That's it, we're over" the rest will come more easily. And if he starts trying to plead you not to, keep telling yourself why you're doing it, and to stand your ground. Listen to yourself, not him. His words are no longer important. They're just blah blah blah now. You are strong and you are brave, you can do it. Xx
It took the realisation that my idiot husband had been looking at IIOC for years, not less than three months to be able to end our marriage. That armed me with what I needed to JFDI (Just F'ing do it) , and I haven't looked back. You have everything you need - all the sordid details, his appalling behaviour since sentencing, the impact on you and your children, and an idea of the potential consequences. I have no proper words of advice apart from, just do it. Don't work up to it, don't rehearse it, don't try and wait for the right time. Next time you see him, just do it. Be succinct and straight to the point. There's no need for a lead up. Once you've got those first few words out of "That's it, we're over" the rest will come more easily. And if he starts trying to plead you not to, keep telling yourself why you're doing it, and to stand your ground. Listen to yourself, not him. His words are no longer important. They're just blah blah blah now. You are strong and you are brave, you can do it. Xx
Thank you Poppet. Tomorrow I'm taking the girls away for a few days to see friends and family, which feels like a cruel time to do it. But he's got his support network
I realised how much time I spend compensating for his complete lack of empathy and emotional curiosity. I just caught myself psyching up for his regular visit this evening, wondering what mood he'll be in, how much he'll mutter about the piss poor amount of housework he does (dishwasher and recycling 4x a week), whether he'll be resentful or self pitying or crass or... this isn't how it should be.
I realised how much time I spend compensating for his complete lack of empathy and emotional curiosity. I just caught myself psyching up for his regular visit this evening, wondering what mood he'll be in, how much he'll mutter about the piss poor amount of housework he does (dishwasher and recycling 4x a week), whether he'll be resentful or self pitying or crass or... this isn't how it should be.
He's come over in a moderate grump, lots of tutting and sighing as he does the basics. I tried to engage him in a discussion about how I need him to come over with gratitude and without resentment, and how I have knots in my stomach before each visit as I dread what mood he might be in. He was silent for ages then said 'well I guess I'll have to try harder then won't I?' in a glum defensive tone. I just need this over with.
Hi,
how often does he come over for contact? I think this is definitely a boundary issue. I'd be discussing the impact on your mental health and generally the atmosphere in your home. For me before I decided to give our relationship another chance we would only see each other twice a week. Maybe you could let him know that there are set days for communication between the two of you unless it's an emergency and reduce the amount of times he comes over. He kind of needs to feel how unnormal the situation that he created is I'm afraid xxx
how often does he come over for contact? I think this is definitely a boundary issue. I'd be discussing the impact on your mental health and generally the atmosphere in your home. For me before I decided to give our relationship another chance we would only see each other twice a week. Maybe you could let him know that there are set days for communication between the two of you unless it's an emergency and reduce the amount of times he comes over. He kind of needs to feel how unnormal the situation that he created is I'm afraid xxx
I'm a leaver, the best thing you can do is say it straight, to the point and show no weakness, if he begins to plead and beg tell him this is non negotiable, you've made your decision and you no longer wish to speak about it anymore. Then have a good read up on grey walling/stone walling this is where you become the most neutral boring person in the world your replies are minimal and very neutral it stops you being dragged in to an emotional game every time they contact you.
You've got this, you're right to show your children that your not willing to accept this type of behaviour. I've seen a similar thing someone who says they are very sorry for what they've done but moans about the impact of the consequences (although they are very minimal it's me and the children who have suffered more) this to me says I'm not sorry for what I've done I'm sorry I've been caught.
Also I would say that due to protecting your mental health contact should now be supervised by someone else and must occur either in a contact centre or in a public neutral place. Your home should be your place of peace it's the least you deserve.
Stay strong and rip the plaster off xx
You've got this, you're right to show your children that your not willing to accept this type of behaviour. I've seen a similar thing someone who says they are very sorry for what they've done but moans about the impact of the consequences (although they are very minimal it's me and the children who have suffered more) this to me says I'm not sorry for what I've done I'm sorry I've been caught.
Also I would say that due to protecting your mental health contact should now be supervised by someone else and must occur either in a contact centre or in a public neutral place. Your home should be your place of peace it's the least you deserve.
Stay strong and rip the plaster off xx
Lrf I think you're right. I think it's too much every week and we need some space. We had a good honest talk this evening, lots of tears but actually got through some stumbling blocks.
And the girls asked me to stop punishing him and let us ALL be happy when he's here, that was a wake up call. I'd been heaping a lot of rage and resentment on him on their behalf, because they don't fully understand what he did.
I have plenty to think about. No decision yet.
And the girls asked me to stop punishing him and let us ALL be happy when he's here, that was a wake up call. I'd been heaping a lot of rage and resentment on him on their behalf, because they don't fully understand what he did.
I have plenty to think about. No decision yet.
LisaMM
I feel like we're walking the same grim journey. However I am also team "leave".
I'm going to ask you what my lovely supportive friend asked me.....What about YOU????
I appreciate things are hard for him; but does he actually realise how much worse it could get/does get for some? Does he fully understand what happens to the children in these photos?
What about you and the kids. You did not ask for this, you did not want this, you did not choose this or see it coming and it absolutely has ruined your lives all the same. Unfortunately the consequences he doesn't think are fair are purely caused by his own actions. It should not fall on you to hold it all together. It is a lot to ask of someone and surely they understand that most people might not want or feel they can continue.
its hard but if that is what you want to do and need for closure for your life to move on....tell him. You want to separate; you need to do it. You've thought long and hard and this is what is best for you and the children and you have to put yourself and the kids first. He's been very selfish in his "silly behaviour" and did not put you guys first, so it's time for you to start looking out for yourself.
I can highly recommend a podcast called "not as we planned" about two mothers who both recently separated from their partners; they talk about life after and making the decision to stay or go. Lots of people email in their own stories and outcomes and ask advice; it's really good to have that invisible support that you can be strong enough to do this; people can survive a separation/divorce and move on and sometimes hearing similar scenarios from someone else hits differently when you're looking from the outside. It helped give me that assurance that I made the right decision whenever I started to beat myself up about it.
Practical not emotional; I need to do this; it makes most sense, it's best for the children and me long term.
Good luck-we're here for you
I feel like we're walking the same grim journey. However I am also team "leave".
I'm going to ask you what my lovely supportive friend asked me.....What about YOU????
I appreciate things are hard for him; but does he actually realise how much worse it could get/does get for some? Does he fully understand what happens to the children in these photos?
What about you and the kids. You did not ask for this, you did not want this, you did not choose this or see it coming and it absolutely has ruined your lives all the same. Unfortunately the consequences he doesn't think are fair are purely caused by his own actions. It should not fall on you to hold it all together. It is a lot to ask of someone and surely they understand that most people might not want or feel they can continue.
its hard but if that is what you want to do and need for closure for your life to move on....tell him. You want to separate; you need to do it. You've thought long and hard and this is what is best for you and the children and you have to put yourself and the kids first. He's been very selfish in his "silly behaviour" and did not put you guys first, so it's time for you to start looking out for yourself.
I can highly recommend a podcast called "not as we planned" about two mothers who both recently separated from their partners; they talk about life after and making the decision to stay or go. Lots of people email in their own stories and outcomes and ask advice; it's really good to have that invisible support that you can be strong enough to do this; people can survive a separation/divorce and move on and sometimes hearing similar scenarios from someone else hits differently when you're looking from the outside. It helped give me that assurance that I made the right decision whenever I started to beat myself up about it.
Practical not emotional; I need to do this; it makes most sense, it's best for the children and me long term.
Good luck-we're here for you
This sounds like such a duffilcult situation for you. I'm assuming contact between your children and their Dad has to be supervised. If this is the case is there someone else that could do this to limit the amount of face to face contact you have to have. I only ask this as it might give you the space you need to focus on yourself, your needs, thoughts and future. My son's ex wife stopped their face to face contact straight after sentencing and only made moves to resume it when she felt able and ready to do so.
It is all just so brutal. I am still in limbo waiting to see the outcome of the investigation and what the sentence will be. I am tying myself in knots trying to think about the future and what is best. It sounds like you are further along in working that out. If you're allowed to feel anything, it's rage and resentment. Don't feel guilty about that - they are completely normal feelings under the circumstances. Your life and your daughters lives have been turned upside down because of HIS actions. Is there anyone else who could supervise visits? Just to give you a bit of time and space?
I feel such a weight of responsibility to try and give my 3 young children the best and happiest lives I can. It sounds stupid but I also feel that responsibility towards my idiot husband. He is trying so hard and doing everything he can to prove how incredibly sorry he is. Apart from this one monumental f*ck up, he is a good dad. Then there's the total humiliation, disgust and shame. Will that cloud ever lift? Will it always be there? Can I ever look at him again without thinking about this? Will I always feel like I was carrying an awful secret (made even worse if I stayed)? I have never even pulled a sicky because the guilt/ shame I would feel wouldn't be worth it...
We're all in a horrible, horrible situation. But then we're all different. We're all living our own hellish story with its own intricacies. I honestly feel like I change my mind everyday about what is best for me/my family. I care deeply for my husband and am so angry at him at the same time. I am hoping that as time goes on the fog may lift a bit. It is all just really, really sh!tty. Sending so much strength xx
I feel such a weight of responsibility to try and give my 3 young children the best and happiest lives I can. It sounds stupid but I also feel that responsibility towards my idiot husband. He is trying so hard and doing everything he can to prove how incredibly sorry he is. Apart from this one monumental f*ck up, he is a good dad. Then there's the total humiliation, disgust and shame. Will that cloud ever lift? Will it always be there? Can I ever look at him again without thinking about this? Will I always feel like I was carrying an awful secret (made even worse if I stayed)? I have never even pulled a sicky because the guilt/ shame I would feel wouldn't be worth it...
We're all in a horrible, horrible situation. But then we're all different. We're all living our own hellish story with its own intricacies. I honestly feel like I change my mind everyday about what is best for me/my family. I care deeply for my husband and am so angry at him at the same time. I am hoping that as time goes on the fog may lift a bit. It is all just really, really sh!tty. Sending so much strength xx
One depressing thing I see again and again on this forum is how useless these men are (including my own ex in this). I can't wrap my head around being done for possessing images of children being abused & then whining about your X Box. Fair play for not murdering him TBH :-p He's incredibly lucky to still have a relationship with his children and someone willing to facilitate it.
Every single one of you is spot-on, which just goes to show the huge range of feelings and thoughts I have all at the same time...
Thank you all. I think that I know that I don't know >D
Thank you all. I think that I know that I don't know >D
Took me a long time to get into the right headspace to make a decision and then go through with it.
He had been rearrested and kept in the cells overnight for breaking bail conditions. When I got home from work on the day he was released I told him I couldn't take anymore, couldn't cope with the lying to everyone anymore and that it felt like my head was going to explode. He said he had seen it coming although several times it has been thrown back in my face that it was my decision to end the marriage - as if his disgusting offending had nothing to do with it!
He isn't your responsibility. He has to live with what he has done and suck up the restrictions. Sending you strength x
He had been rearrested and kept in the cells overnight for breaking bail conditions. When I got home from work on the day he was released I told him I couldn't take anymore, couldn't cope with the lying to everyone anymore and that it felt like my head was going to explode. He said he had seen it coming although several times it has been thrown back in my face that it was my decision to end the marriage - as if his disgusting offending had nothing to do with it!
He isn't your responsibility. He has to live with what he has done and suck up the restrictions. Sending you strength x
Can anyone please tell me what the standard is for supervising contact? I was advised by SS that contact should never be unsupervised - and we are many years down the line now. My ex-husband is trying to bully me into seeing our daughter more, but I find supervising contact stressful and emotionally and mentally draining. I've had enough now, so many years have passed and I probably have another decade to go. It is so unfair. What would he likely be awarded by a court, any anything? He's now threatening to take me to court to get unsupervised contact.
My husband has stated his intention to contact social services to try and start the process of increased contact. He's less than month post-sentencing (9 months suspended for 2 years) and seems to think it's all done and dusted now and he should be allowed to get back to unsupervised contact. It's so unbelievably triggering. SW closed the file before sentencing as they considered me a protective parent, because I said I would not be looking to increase contact or allow unsupervised. Now he's pushing at those boundaries again, and it's like a battle to protect myself and my girls. I don't know how to unpick what part of my reluctance is due to anger at him, vs what part is due to concern for the kids' wellbeing. It's so mentally exhausting. I won't be changing my view of whether he should have unsupervised contact anytime soon, and I don't know what would lead me to change that view. He doesn't live with us and sees the kids 4 days a week.
Lisa, he sounds like he's really not taking responsibility for what he's done and knows he's got off lightly. Can you get SW involved again? Or is it time for court action, if thats a possibility? How can some of these men that are supposed to love us put us through the knock, then all the fallout, then more trauma with their entitled ways? Its beyond unfair.
Lisa,
I'm so sorry that your ex is being a nightmare. I don't understand what he wants in terms of more contact, would he like to spend more time with them than you do? How does that make any sense? My advice would be to let ss know that you aren't comfortable with unsupervised at this stage in sentencing as you'd like to see the assessments from probation and visor before making an informed decision. Also, since you have decided to end the relationship you feel that spending more time with all of you together this will cause the children confusion and will make it almost impossible to move forward individually xxx
I'm so sorry that your ex is being a nightmare. I don't understand what he wants in terms of more contact, would he like to spend more time with them than you do? How does that make any sense? My advice would be to let ss know that you aren't comfortable with unsupervised at this stage in sentencing as you'd like to see the assessments from probation and visor before making an informed decision. Also, since you have decided to end the relationship you feel that spending more time with all of you together this will cause the children confusion and will make it almost impossible to move forward individually xxx
Lisa - you're supervising contact four times a week? That sounds absolutely outrageous and totally unreasonable. That is genuinely heroic. I was told once a month by social services!
Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's too much. It feels selfish to reduce it much lower, given the kids and he get so much joy from it. But it means I'm constantly having my emotions stirred up again. I'm finding I'm more conflicted when he's not around, and have more doubt about my decision / get my hopes up that we could somehow improve things. Tellingly, when he's here I find myself quite clear in my feelings. He can come across as entitled, grumpy, overbearing, presumptuous and fixated on money. I'm realising how much those qualities predate the knock. By many years.
Hi LMM
I saw your post and I couldn't not respond. I too am "team leaver" and although my circumstances are different, I feel it was the best decision I could have made. My person is 100 miles away so it was much easier for me to end things, I didn't even have to say, he just knew but I genuinely feel lighter. I realised how much anxiety and worry he brought to my life and the realisation that I am free of that now has been a huge weight off my mind.
I actually felt so frustrated reading your post because although I can appreciate your husband feels awful about his restrictions and he has every right to do so but what he doesn't have the right to do is offload that onto you and affect your wellbeing. He put himself and your family in this position, he has no right to push you.
Please think of yourself and your girls because that's what matters most in this situation. Take care x
I saw your post and I couldn't not respond. I too am "team leaver" and although my circumstances are different, I feel it was the best decision I could have made. My person is 100 miles away so it was much easier for me to end things, I didn't even have to say, he just knew but I genuinely feel lighter. I realised how much anxiety and worry he brought to my life and the realisation that I am free of that now has been a huge weight off my mind.
I actually felt so frustrated reading your post because although I can appreciate your husband feels awful about his restrictions and he has every right to do so but what he doesn't have the right to do is offload that onto you and affect your wellbeing. He put himself and your family in this position, he has no right to push you.
Please think of yourself and your girls because that's what matters most in this situation. Take care x
You're right squirrel. I've decided I want to collaborate and cooperate when we're together with the kids, but I've known right from the start that I'll never reconcile with him or cohabit...