Dealing with the media and online hate
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Hello
I haven't posted or even logged on here in several months because I really needed to take a step away and try and deal with my own mental health difficulties. Since my partners arrest, I have been dealing with quite intense anxiety and I realised I needed to take a bit of time to get myself together a little bit.
In November 2024, my partner was arrested for IIOC. It was beyond a shock and it has been a messy, heart breaking road trying to navigate it. Ultimately, I have decided to stay with him and try and support him but on several conditions e.g. him taking full responsibility for his actions, getting help etc. He has done a horrible thing which I never thought he would be capable of and I won't try and minimise that. But I know he is full of shame and remorse and is working on himself and at the moment, we are just taking it one day at a time. I know he is a good man deep down although obviously a bloody idiot amongst other things!!
Anyway, I have made some good progress in my own mental health but today I feel like I have gone a million steps backwards. My OH was in court today to make his plea and less than 5 hours later, its been reported online and the article has been shared on social media.
My anxiety is going mad. I feel sick with panic and shame and worry for the future. My stomach is in knotts and its really brought me back to the really intense anxiety I felt on the day of the knock. I cant stop reading all of the horrible comments even though I know its making me feel worse. If your person's case ended up in the media, how did you deal with it? I feel like I am walking around with a huge sign on my head and I dont know how to cope.
I haven't posted or even logged on here in several months because I really needed to take a step away and try and deal with my own mental health difficulties. Since my partners arrest, I have been dealing with quite intense anxiety and I realised I needed to take a bit of time to get myself together a little bit.
In November 2024, my partner was arrested for IIOC. It was beyond a shock and it has been a messy, heart breaking road trying to navigate it. Ultimately, I have decided to stay with him and try and support him but on several conditions e.g. him taking full responsibility for his actions, getting help etc. He has done a horrible thing which I never thought he would be capable of and I won't try and minimise that. But I know he is full of shame and remorse and is working on himself and at the moment, we are just taking it one day at a time. I know he is a good man deep down although obviously a bloody idiot amongst other things!!
Anyway, I have made some good progress in my own mental health but today I feel like I have gone a million steps backwards. My OH was in court today to make his plea and less than 5 hours later, its been reported online and the article has been shared on social media.
My anxiety is going mad. I feel sick with panic and shame and worry for the future. My stomach is in knotts and its really brought me back to the really intense anxiety I felt on the day of the knock. I cant stop reading all of the horrible comments even though I know its making me feel worse. If your person's case ended up in the media, how did you deal with it? I feel like I am walking around with a huge sign on my head and I dont know how to cope.
Oh no I really feel for you!
Similar scenario to me-except I haven't stayed with my partner.
My best advice is to come off social media. it won't do you any good; it's a n echo chamber and won't help. I deactivated my account so I couldn't read any of it and asked family/friends to keep an eye out and if they were asked please feel free to shut down questions with "you don't know the whole story; there are children involved and someone going through their worst nightmare; we're not talking about it and concentrating on protecting our loved ones to get through this however they can".
Most people won't say anything to your face. You can't control what people say about you or your partner behind your back, you can't change their opinions. Today's news is tomorrows chip wrappers. Protect your own mental health and be kind to yourself.
Im going to quote Mel Robbins (good self help book if you want to look it up) "Let them". If people want to be mean, talk about you behind your back, not understand or show compassion "let them". Protect your peace, rise above and try to ignore. It's not worth your effort or worries. Xxx
Similar scenario to me-except I haven't stayed with my partner.
My best advice is to come off social media. it won't do you any good; it's a n echo chamber and won't help. I deactivated my account so I couldn't read any of it and asked family/friends to keep an eye out and if they were asked please feel free to shut down questions with "you don't know the whole story; there are children involved and someone going through their worst nightmare; we're not talking about it and concentrating on protecting our loved ones to get through this however they can".
Most people won't say anything to your face. You can't control what people say about you or your partner behind your back, you can't change their opinions. Today's news is tomorrows chip wrappers. Protect your own mental health and be kind to yourself.
Im going to quote Mel Robbins (good self help book if you want to look it up) "Let them". If people want to be mean, talk about you behind your back, not understand or show compassion "let them". Protect your peace, rise above and try to ignore. It's not worth your effort or worries. Xxx
Seriously don't read the comments, it will all be forgotten by people in a few days because some other news will happen.Obviously friends and family who may not have known previously could have seen the article but you can deal with that in your own time. They can wait , you come first. They'll either understand and support or they won't. I'm still at the waiting for forensics to come back stage but friends and family we have told have been 98% supportive and understanding.
Oh EmLou, I really feel for you. I'm here because of my son and also struggled with intense anxiety throughout our journey. My sons case was also reported by the media within hours of his plea hearing. The headline called him a 'p' and the write up was awful. We live in a small area so everyone who knew him knew what he'd pleaded guilty to and he lost his job due to the media exposure.
I chose not to read the comments. I disabled my account and to this day do not know who said what. Just like you my anxiety flared to the point I felt like I was at day one again. Fortunately I found that the new surge of anxiety settled to the level of anxiety I had become used to living with. I was able to focus on helping my son prepare for the possibility of prison and in getting him out of the house to places he felt able to visit, a small garden centre and walks in the woods.
Whilst my son couldn't face seeing anyone he knew, I forced myself to go out in our local community, to shop in my local supermarket, to speak with our neighbours and visit our local village. Everyone I saw was polite, some people offered me sympathy but most just chose not to mention the situation at all. I made no secret of the fact my love for my son was unconditional and that I'd promised to support him despite what he'd done. As the days passed, leaving the house became easier until I eventually stopped worrying about who I might see.
4 weeks later his case was in the media again following sentencing and again I decided not to read the comments. I had expected to feel relieved once sentencing was over but instead felt very flat. However, this time around I felt more able to cope with the media exposure. The realisation that everyone around us knew what my son had done meant I now didn't have to carry a heavy secret from those I'd chosen not to tell. I could start living my life again as my true authentic self. Moving on from the media exposure was a very slow process for my son and one he may never fully recover from but 2 years on, his mental health and self esteem is the best it's been.
At the moment it feels like your world has fallen apart, but it hasn't. Some people may chose to walk away but you'll meet new people who'll love you for who you are. Some people may chose to judge you but you'll be able to recognise where you're not wanted and move on. In time you'll find you're able to smile again, you'll find yourself singing along to the radio and you'll find yourself planning for the future rather than getting through one difficult day at a time.
I chose not to read the comments. I disabled my account and to this day do not know who said what. Just like you my anxiety flared to the point I felt like I was at day one again. Fortunately I found that the new surge of anxiety settled to the level of anxiety I had become used to living with. I was able to focus on helping my son prepare for the possibility of prison and in getting him out of the house to places he felt able to visit, a small garden centre and walks in the woods.
Whilst my son couldn't face seeing anyone he knew, I forced myself to go out in our local community, to shop in my local supermarket, to speak with our neighbours and visit our local village. Everyone I saw was polite, some people offered me sympathy but most just chose not to mention the situation at all. I made no secret of the fact my love for my son was unconditional and that I'd promised to support him despite what he'd done. As the days passed, leaving the house became easier until I eventually stopped worrying about who I might see.
4 weeks later his case was in the media again following sentencing and again I decided not to read the comments. I had expected to feel relieved once sentencing was over but instead felt very flat. However, this time around I felt more able to cope with the media exposure. The realisation that everyone around us knew what my son had done meant I now didn't have to carry a heavy secret from those I'd chosen not to tell. I could start living my life again as my true authentic self. Moving on from the media exposure was a very slow process for my son and one he may never fully recover from but 2 years on, his mental health and self esteem is the best it's been.
At the moment it feels like your world has fallen apart, but it hasn't. Some people may chose to walk away but you'll meet new people who'll love you for who you are. Some people may chose to judge you but you'll be able to recognise where you're not wanted and move on. In time you'll find you're able to smile again, you'll find yourself singing along to the radio and you'll find yourself planning for the future rather than getting through one difficult day at a time.
Thank you all for your really kind and supportive replies, I really needed to hear that right now. Its such a lonely process and it really helps to hear from you all.
I have taken your advice and disabled my social media account at the moment. My anxiety couldn't handle reading peoples comments. I understand its a really emotive topic but some comments were so vile and nasty. I know I need to try and accept that people will have their opinions and there is nothing I can do it change it.
I spoke with a friend on the phone tonight who was supportive and I have had a few messages from people I know and surprisingly they have all been quite kind. I can sense the judgement from a few people who don't understand why I have stayed with my OH but no one has actually said it out loud I feel so anxious every time my phone gets a message and dread looking at it. This feeling of always being on edge is so awful.
I know my partner has brought all of this on himself and it's his responsibility to deal with the consequences of that but I also worry about him. He already feels so much shame and guilt for what he has done and I am anxious of how he is going to cope with this going forward. It is all so exhausting and it just feels so unfair for us having to deal with the fall out of our people's decisions.
I have taken your advice and disabled my social media account at the moment. My anxiety couldn't handle reading peoples comments. I understand its a really emotive topic but some comments were so vile and nasty. I know I need to try and accept that people will have their opinions and there is nothing I can do it change it.
I spoke with a friend on the phone tonight who was supportive and I have had a few messages from people I know and surprisingly they have all been quite kind. I can sense the judgement from a few people who don't understand why I have stayed with my OH but no one has actually said it out loud I feel so anxious every time my phone gets a message and dread looking at it. This feeling of always being on edge is so awful.
I know my partner has brought all of this on himself and it's his responsibility to deal with the consequences of that but I also worry about him. He already feels so much shame and guilt for what he has done and I am anxious of how he is going to cope with this going forward. It is all so exhausting and it just feels so unfair for us having to deal with the fall out of our people's decisions.
I was like you but I didn't come off SM and read all the comments. The damage was really done by the solicitor who said in court that I was supporting him. My house was targeted several times and I received online abuse. But I also received many messages of support.
I ended the marrying the end as I know in my heart the offending will never ever go away. I'm on the brink of starting a new life away from him. As scared as I am it's also very exciting and liberating.
I ended the marrying the end as I know in my heart the offending will never ever go away. I'm on the brink of starting a new life away from him. As scared as I am it's also very exciting and liberating.
I came off social media immediately its the best advice