Supervised contact
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Hi all.
Just looking to hear from families where s/s have insisted on Dad only having supervised contact. How did you explain it to young children?
TIA.
Just looking to hear from families where s/s have insisted on Dad only having supervised contact. How did you explain it to young children?
TIA.
Hi,
I've supervised contact for 4 years. Fortunately it's all our daughter has known so I've not had to explain to her. Have ss allowed you to supervise or does it have to be someone outside of the family? How old are your children? I saw a good explanation for children on here fairly recently but I can't remember exactly when. The lady had explained that dad broke some rules and they needed a grown up there to make sure he was following them now to keep everyone safe. I thought this was a good explanation for children of primary school age xxx
I've supervised contact for 4 years. Fortunately it's all our daughter has known so I've not had to explain to her. Have ss allowed you to supervise or does it have to be someone outside of the family? How old are your children? I saw a good explanation for children on here fairly recently but I can't remember exactly when. The lady had explained that dad broke some rules and they needed a grown up there to make sure he was following them now to keep everyone safe. I thought this was a good explanation for children of primary school age xxx
My husbands allowed supervised contact as long as the parents know and agree to it. None of the children of people who know, know. For those that don't consent the answer to where their uncle is, is he is at work or he is sick. To those that agree supervised contact, they haven't really asked many questions. We have always been in the room together that's just normal us behaviour so where ever I go he goes and I always have my daughter unless there is another adult supervising available. Was a bit awkward when my nieces stayed over (I'm staying with my parents) and they were like why are you here and not uncle, and the whole he is at work conversation happened (which was actually true this time). I don't plan on telling them unless I have to though. Like I hope I don't have to tell my daughter who is 1. I am probably still being nieve, but I don't want her to ever know what it's like to be in this situation and all I keep hoping is there is an end before she has memories she will remember for life. Sorry no help really with your situation.....
My son moved back in with us on the night of his arrest and my husband and I have been providing supervised contact between him and his children ever since. The younger children don't know any difference so no questions are ever asked. The older children have been told the truth. I think hearing the facts was overwhelming for one of them but things soon settled down. We've been living with supervised contact now for 3 and a half years and having to operate as an extended family unit has just become life for us.
Hi, I am new here. I wonder if anyone is in the same boat as me and can help. I have been supervising contact with my ex-husband since my daughter was born. Recently he has been threatening me with taking me to court for unsupervised contact, and that he would win. He also says he he wants to see our daughter more often. How often am I 'supposed' to be supervising contact? How often do other people supervise contact with the father? What am I obliged to do? If he took me to court, what would he be awarded - if anything? At what age can I look at not having to be there? She's still very young and I feel like I have at least a decade still to go of this horrendous weight on my shoulders. I don't seem to be able to find anyone who can answer these questions and I feel very alone. None of my friends/family want to see him, and so the contact is all on me, and always has been. Has anyone ever used a contact centre? I am really struggling with it all now and get huge anxiety before and after contact sessions - which cannot be good for my daughter. I am also looking to start seeing a therapist again. It feels like Children's Services crashed into my life, treated me like I was the one who had done something wrong, and then walked away leaving me with no legal advice or legal standing. I feel like this is a lifelong sentance for a crime I didn't commit.
I think it depends on the ages of your children and their understanding, and what they're already aware of. My child was at home for the knock unfortunately and also older primary so a decent understanding of being safe online etc. So we explained dad had been unsafe online talking to strangers who had been breaking the rules and encouraging others to do this. We later added in the pants work about your body is private and photos with no clothes on could be used for bullying and to hurt people which is why it's against the rules to share them.
We said that the police were worried about this and to make sure dad learned how to be safe and we all helped keep the child safe dad would have other "trusted grown ups" around whilst they had family time together. The trusted grown ups who they could talk to were social worker, teachers, mum and the other relatives supporting us (who knew the details) because they understood and would be able to help try answer any questions. We also emphasised that the child hadn't done anything wrong, we would try keep things as normal as possible and no big changes for them; they were safe and that they could ask us anything, but if they got upset or worried to talk to the trusted grown ups as they were the ones who could really help as friends or others (not in our trusted grown ups) might not understand and it's not for them to worry about.
Weve recently gone over and added to that conversation post-sentencing to explain the final rules have been decided and what the restrictions are and how long they last etc but all the social worker and police stuff is finished, and again any questions it's ok to ask. We're still a family and we still love them; our family just works a little bit differently now and that's ok.
We said that the police were worried about this and to make sure dad learned how to be safe and we all helped keep the child safe dad would have other "trusted grown ups" around whilst they had family time together. The trusted grown ups who they could talk to were social worker, teachers, mum and the other relatives supporting us (who knew the details) because they understood and would be able to help try answer any questions. We also emphasised that the child hadn't done anything wrong, we would try keep things as normal as possible and no big changes for them; they were safe and that they could ask us anything, but if they got upset or worried to talk to the trusted grown ups as they were the ones who could really help as friends or others (not in our trusted grown ups) might not understand and it's not for them to worry about.
Weve recently gone over and added to that conversation post-sentencing to explain the final rules have been decided and what the restrictions are and how long they last etc but all the social worker and police stuff is finished, and again any questions it's ok to ask. We're still a family and we still love them; our family just works a little bit differently now and that's ok.
I are seven years in to supervised contact, which I do on my own as none of my friends and family want to see my ex-husband. It feels like a life sentence and I am struggling more than ever recently. SS said no unsupervised contact ever, but this isn't legally binding. I don't know where I stand legally and SS were useless in this respect. In fact, no-one seems to know!! Ex-husband keeps threatening to take me to court for more contact and even unsupervised contact. Please does anyone have any knowledge or advice about what he would be awarded? How much contact does everyone else do? If my ex-husband dropped dead tomorrow my life would be infinitely less stressful and I would never have to tell my daughter about her dad's heinous crimes.
Hi,
I was that child, supervised contact. We were fortunate enough to have a local family friend who came with us for our contact visits called 'access'. For me it was normal.
At age 14 I was sat down and the truth about my childhood made clear, by the family friend who supervised our access, my mum couldn't bring her self to tell me. (Told at this age because my brother was turning 16 and legally able to have unsupervised access). I was very greatful as the person answered all my questions, and it was done in a emotionless factual way.
I believed all of it because deep down I already knew. I went on to feeling annoyed and let down by the legal system for allowing me to have a relationship with my Dad. I wish they had refused contact. I can't ever look at him the same way.
Now I barely speak to him he has no part of my life, I last saw him over 2 years ago and rarely text him. He doesn't know where I live.
The first friend I told, didn't be leave me so I kept my mouth shut for years. I felt like I was walking around with a black cloud over my head, this dirty secret.
Now I tell anyone who will listen, when appropriate of course. Everybody needs to know, it happens.
My mum never said a bad word about my dad while I was growing up. She kept her mouth shut. What a woman, to go through all that. He caused us a lot of pain, which I would not know the full extent of until I was older. I will never forgive him.
While I hate that I had contact with him. I suppose it was nessesary and I understand why I needed to be mature enough to understand the weight of the infomation. My mum had a restraining order against my dad because he tried to break into our home. So we had access in an 'acess center' for a few years before the family friend volunteered. I hope you all keep searching to find someone who can volunteer for you.
In a sad twist of fate. I am here now because my brother received the knock.
I was that child, supervised contact. We were fortunate enough to have a local family friend who came with us for our contact visits called 'access'. For me it was normal.
At age 14 I was sat down and the truth about my childhood made clear, by the family friend who supervised our access, my mum couldn't bring her self to tell me. (Told at this age because my brother was turning 16 and legally able to have unsupervised access). I was very greatful as the person answered all my questions, and it was done in a emotionless factual way.
I believed all of it because deep down I already knew. I went on to feeling annoyed and let down by the legal system for allowing me to have a relationship with my Dad. I wish they had refused contact. I can't ever look at him the same way.
Now I barely speak to him he has no part of my life, I last saw him over 2 years ago and rarely text him. He doesn't know where I live.
The first friend I told, didn't be leave me so I kept my mouth shut for years. I felt like I was walking around with a black cloud over my head, this dirty secret.
Now I tell anyone who will listen, when appropriate of course. Everybody needs to know, it happens.
My mum never said a bad word about my dad while I was growing up. She kept her mouth shut. What a woman, to go through all that. He caused us a lot of pain, which I would not know the full extent of until I was older. I will never forgive him.
While I hate that I had contact with him. I suppose it was nessesary and I understand why I needed to be mature enough to understand the weight of the infomation. My mum had a restraining order against my dad because he tried to break into our home. So we had access in an 'acess center' for a few years before the family friend volunteered. I hope you all keep searching to find someone who can volunteer for you.
In a sad twist of fate. I am here now because my brother received the knock.
Hi,
how often do you supervise contact Phoenix? What do you want to happen regarding contact? If you don't think unsupervised is appropriate then let him take you to court. Ss said no unsupervised, the court will take this into account. Has he done any work to understand his offending? Is he still under probation or offender management? xxx
how often do you supervise contact Phoenix? What do you want to happen regarding contact? If you don't think unsupervised is appropriate then let him take you to court. Ss said no unsupervised, the court will take this into account. Has he done any work to understand his offending? Is he still under probation or offender management? xxx
I'm currently being dragged through the family courts and it's not pretty, it's very unfair how I can't afford a solicitor , children's services say he has to be supervised until he's off register yet I get no support!
thr judge was absolutely awful to me, looking online I should be able to get legal aid because he's been convicted but trying to find someone to help me is incredibly hard..
I too was doing all the supervision, but it's since broke down because I was sick of it basically. My ex partner thinks he's the only one who has suffered during all this, yet he's been given numerous help, therapy, you name it.. I've been left unable to work, caring full time for our children, I've lost all of my friends because I couldnt cope with the lying I was having to do, people asking why we'd split up but carry on spending every weekend together etc. I wasn't able to move on with my life, stuck in a constant reminder of it all. I did it for 6 years, then I said I wasn't able to do it as much and here I am in court..he doesn't have anyone else to do the contact now so I genuinely don't know where we go from here.. waiting for reports and assessments back
thr judge was absolutely awful to me, looking online I should be able to get legal aid because he's been convicted but trying to find someone to help me is incredibly hard..
I too was doing all the supervision, but it's since broke down because I was sick of it basically. My ex partner thinks he's the only one who has suffered during all this, yet he's been given numerous help, therapy, you name it.. I've been left unable to work, caring full time for our children, I've lost all of my friends because I couldnt cope with the lying I was having to do, people asking why we'd split up but carry on spending every weekend together etc. I wasn't able to move on with my life, stuck in a constant reminder of it all. I did it for 6 years, then I said I wasn't able to do it as much and here I am in court..he doesn't have anyone else to do the contact now so I genuinely don't know where we go from here.. waiting for reports and assessments back
I supervise contact once every two weeks, for 2-3 hours (SS advised 1.5 hours but I get a load of grief from the ex if it's shorter). The emotional toll it takes on me is too much at the moment for other reasons in my life. He is still on the SOR for another two years. In the SOR it advises no unsupervised contact with someone under the age of 16.
I too was dumped into a life of being a single mum, working full time and trying to hold it all together while my life fell apart. Whilst also being forced to spend hours and hours of my life with the man who did it all to me. It's unbelievable really, that our British justice system could punish me for something someone else did. I want to cut contact back to something more manageable, probably once a month, and to go through a contact centre, but I don't know what - if anything - the courts would force if he took it to court and won. Could they force me to do contact? Does anyone have any experience of this?
Also, what happens once they're off the register? I don't believe for a second my ex-husband becomes 'safe' overnight because it is past a certain date. My child will still only be eight when this happens.
I am also deeply affected by your story, Sako, as I have always wondered if there will be a backlash on me for my child having a happy relationship with her dad. Will she blame me for 'making' her see him every month, knowing what he had done and the kind of person he was?
I too was dumped into a life of being a single mum, working full time and trying to hold it all together while my life fell apart. Whilst also being forced to spend hours and hours of my life with the man who did it all to me. It's unbelievable really, that our British justice system could punish me for something someone else did. I want to cut contact back to something more manageable, probably once a month, and to go through a contact centre, but I don't know what - if anything - the courts would force if he took it to court and won. Could they force me to do contact? Does anyone have any experience of this?
Also, what happens once they're off the register? I don't believe for a second my ex-husband becomes 'safe' overnight because it is past a certain date. My child will still only be eight when this happens.
I am also deeply affected by your story, Sako, as I have always wondered if there will be a backlash on me for my child having a happy relationship with her dad. Will she blame me for 'making' her see him every month, knowing what he had done and the kind of person he was?
I'm back to the family court this month so will let you know.. but my kids think the sun shines out of him so then I'm hurting them also but I genuinely can't carry on like this.
im supervising every week as per the agreement so far , but I don't know what good a contact centre will do - one of our children has additional needs.
i completely agree - I was told by children's services if I didn't leave my ex my kids would be taken off me ... yet here I am expected to spend time WEEKLY with him.. unbelievable ..
im supervising every week as per the agreement so far , but I don't know what good a contact centre will do - one of our children has additional needs.
i completely agree - I was told by children's services if I didn't leave my ex my kids would be taken off me ... yet here I am expected to spend time WEEKLY with him.. unbelievable ..