Dealing with the heartbreak and guilt of leaving
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If anyone here has chosen to leave your OH, how did you manage to cope initially? I still love my OH deeply but I have come to the realisation I can't keep paying the consequences for his mistakes. Did anyone else feel a mixture of guilt and grief when leaving? I know my OH (or ex I guess now) is not a monster and I feel like I am abandoning him when he needs me most, even though he got himself into this mess!! He has gone to live with his dad but other than that, he has lost his job and pretty much his whole support network. He looks so broken now he has lost me too.
I wanted to spend my life with this man and its breaking my heart that we won't have the future we planned. We have been together for 13 years (basically my whole adult life) and I have no idea how to cope without him. I am angry at him for destroying our lives but I still love him. Everything feels so hopeless right now.
I wanted to spend my life with this man and its breaking my heart that we won't have the future we planned. We have been together for 13 years (basically my whole adult life) and I have no idea how to cope without him. I am angry at him for destroying our lives but I still love him. Everything feels so hopeless right now.
I totally get how you're feeling. When I went no contact with my husband following being arrested and bailed pending investigation, he tried to take his own life. He has nothing. He is wild camping as he has cut family off. I really don't know what to do but feel forced into supporting him with his mental and physical health. I don't have any advice, just to say I understand how you feel.
EmLou
Im in the leavers camp. At first I was completely undecided and couldn't reconcile the man I loved and knew with the one who had been accessing Iioc.
I knew I couldn't stay when one day it just hit me that if I did I would never be happy, I couldn't trust him again. Also I didn't want to live with someone who couldn't be trusted around my child; it was too much to ask of me to sacrifice everything to stay; the future if I stayed was so much worse than if I left although neither were a preferred choice. I had to choose the best of two bad options. So I chose the one I could live with and the one I would advise anyone else to take who was in my shoes.
Had it been accidental/unintentional and he'd shown a real willingness and determination to fix his issues and change; I might have considered it. But he wasn't willing to put in the extra to make it work so I wasn't prepared to take on all the extra to make it work to my detriment. I would literally have lost everything.
Im still devastated and sad that it ended this way but after ive had time to come to terms with what has happened I know I've made the right decision. He didn't think about the consequences of his actions with regard to me and our child when he was offending; so why on earth was I so concerned with making sure he was ok!? I had to put me and our child first because I was so close to broken from what he'd done I couldn't heal stuck in the middle of it all. also as soon as I knew he was to be charged I knew that's not what I wanted for my life or my child's; restrictions; lying; hiding always being on high alert 24/7 for a decade!
You have to do what is best for you, only you know what that is. It's a pretty big gamble staying with someone who has shown they can hurt you like this; so you need to know the reward at the end is going to be worth it. For me; it wasn't.
Good luck in whatever path you take but remember you didn't choose this; you're only here facing having to make these decisions because of someone else's actions. Be kind to yourself
Im in the leavers camp. At first I was completely undecided and couldn't reconcile the man I loved and knew with the one who had been accessing Iioc.
I knew I couldn't stay when one day it just hit me that if I did I would never be happy, I couldn't trust him again. Also I didn't want to live with someone who couldn't be trusted around my child; it was too much to ask of me to sacrifice everything to stay; the future if I stayed was so much worse than if I left although neither were a preferred choice. I had to choose the best of two bad options. So I chose the one I could live with and the one I would advise anyone else to take who was in my shoes.
Had it been accidental/unintentional and he'd shown a real willingness and determination to fix his issues and change; I might have considered it. But he wasn't willing to put in the extra to make it work so I wasn't prepared to take on all the extra to make it work to my detriment. I would literally have lost everything.
Im still devastated and sad that it ended this way but after ive had time to come to terms with what has happened I know I've made the right decision. He didn't think about the consequences of his actions with regard to me and our child when he was offending; so why on earth was I so concerned with making sure he was ok!? I had to put me and our child first because I was so close to broken from what he'd done I couldn't heal stuck in the middle of it all. also as soon as I knew he was to be charged I knew that's not what I wanted for my life or my child's; restrictions; lying; hiding always being on high alert 24/7 for a decade!
You have to do what is best for you, only you know what that is. It's a pretty big gamble staying with someone who has shown they can hurt you like this; so you need to know the reward at the end is going to be worth it. For me; it wasn't.
Good luck in whatever path you take but remember you didn't choose this; you're only here facing having to make these decisions because of someone else's actions. Be kind to yourself
I've decided to end my marriage too. I decided a couple of months ago but just couldn't get the words from inside me out of my mouth. Then, on July 9th, I realised he'd been looking at IIOC for years, not since mid December last year, as I first understood, and those words exploded from my mouth. He's due to be moved out this week but he's currently floored with a flu type bug, so it'll be delayed. But last week, when I thought it would be closer, I felt awful. I was spiralling into despair. It was actually him that snapped me out of it. He's doing the Inform Plus course and something they've discussed is finding a positive, no matter how small, daily, or at least weekly. I think when we're faced with the ending of a part of our life, we have to try and find something to appreciate and hold onto amidst the heartbreak.
We are grieving. We're grieving for the life we thought we had, grieving for the end of something, grieving for the future we thought we had. We have to go through the process, just like when we lose a loved one to death. Its going to be hard, there's no point sugar coating it. I know I'm going to have a big crash when he finally goes, and I'm just going to accept that I have to go through it to get to the other side. I'm going to be kind to myself and do what I need to do in the moment, without any pressure on myself, or allowing anyone to put any pressure on me. I know all of that is easier said than done, but thats my aim. And eventually those little things we find to give us even a tiny bit of positivity will become bigger things. My dad keeps saying, time is a healer, and he's right.
We are grieving. We're grieving for the life we thought we had, grieving for the end of something, grieving for the future we thought we had. We have to go through the process, just like when we lose a loved one to death. Its going to be hard, there's no point sugar coating it. I know I'm going to have a big crash when he finally goes, and I'm just going to accept that I have to go through it to get to the other side. I'm going to be kind to myself and do what I need to do in the moment, without any pressure on myself, or allowing anyone to put any pressure on me. I know all of that is easier said than done, but thats my aim. And eventually those little things we find to give us even a tiny bit of positivity will become bigger things. My dad keeps saying, time is a healer, and he's right.
Took me 10 months from the knock to decide to end my 30 odd year marriage. Stuff had come out that meZnt I knew I didn't and everyone would trust him again. He went to prison which gave me some breathing room and let me adjust to single life.
He lost his home job and kids. I felt awful for a while and after he came out of prison I tried to help him. Now 3 years on I'm cutting the toes with him - selling the house and buying my own place.
I feel nothing towards him. Part of me thinks I should be angry. But I feel pity for him, sadness for what it has done to my kids and his mum, but also bitterness for what he has put me through.
I think we all go through every emotion no matter what decision we make.
It's so hard.
He lost his home job and kids. I felt awful for a while and after he came out of prison I tried to help him. Now 3 years on I'm cutting the toes with him - selling the house and buying my own place.
I feel nothing towards him. Part of me thinks I should be angry. But I feel pity for him, sadness for what it has done to my kids and his mum, but also bitterness for what he has put me through.
I think we all go through every emotion no matter what decision we make.
It's so hard.
Thank you so much to everyone for replying. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone but it does make me feel a little less alone to know others out there can relate.
I have finalised my decision to leave and he has moved out permanently. I feel absolutely broken but I came to the realisation that I cannot pay the consequences for his mistakes for the rest of our lives. Its not the future I want or deserve.
It's such a mix of emotions.. anxiety, guilt, heart break and even a bit of relief too?! I have no idea how I am going to cope, practically or emotionally but I know I just need to power on and hold on to some hope for better days.
Big hugs to you all.. I know we are all doing our best in an impossible situation that we didnt ask for.
I have finalised my decision to leave and he has moved out permanently. I feel absolutely broken but I came to the realisation that I cannot pay the consequences for his mistakes for the rest of our lives. Its not the future I want or deserve.
It's such a mix of emotions.. anxiety, guilt, heart break and even a bit of relief too?! I have no idea how I am going to cope, practically or emotionally but I know I just need to power on and hold on to some hope for better days.
Big hugs to you all.. I know we are all doing our best in an impossible situation that we didnt ask for.
Hi I'm another leaver. The decision was pretty much taken out of my hands when my person was arrested and was bailed to his mum's house 100 miles away. We'd been together 19 years but this wasn't our first "knock" The first time was 2017 and I genuinely believed it was a mistake as we didnt hear anything more. Plus the first time it was just 2 police officers as opposed to an early morning call and a warrant this time around. I just don't believe him and the fact he can't be honest, I'm not putting up with that. Other things have since come to light, not iioc related and I just can't forgive him. However, I do feel sorry for him, he has lost his family and it won't be long before he loses his job too. Unfortunately he only has himself to blame.
Well done EmLou91. Making that initial decision the hardest and whilst we all have many hurdles to overcome it is slightly easier when we can stand by our beliefs and decisions.
I had a tough couple of years not knowing whether I would get through it in my own. The easiest thing would have been to take him back - and I think he would have come back if asked. But now I know w it was the right thing to do and I'm in the brink of a new - but different - light.
I wish you all the luck in the future
I had a tough couple of years not knowing whether I would get through it in my own. The easiest thing would have been to take him back - and I think he would have come back if asked. But now I know w it was the right thing to do and I'm in the brink of a new - but different - light.
I wish you all the luck in the future