Refusal to get help / solicitor.
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My husband was arrested and released under investigation on 5th June. I was in complete shock and while they triaged and searched the house they spoke to me about adding bail conditions for him to not be allowed back to my house (where I live with my daughter, and him as her step father). Apparently I agreed to this, and may well have but completely blank when I try to remember any conversation I had at that time.
Under their advice and initial shock / reactions from family I cut contact. In response my husband attempted to take his own life. I ended up twice attending with police and ambulance. Since then I feel I have to support him with his mental and physical health as he is very vulnerable and I am scared he will end his life if I don't help him.
the problem is he refuses to engage in any conversation about the charges. He won't appoint a solicitor. He won't engage with charities he's been signposted to. He won't discuss it with counsellors he's been in contact with. It's a complete head-in-sand situation. I just don't know what to do.
I am trying to get him to attend addiction therapy / psychotherapy after being under the intensive mental health team for as long as they could keep him. He just seems to want to pretend it isn't happening. Is that a sign of guilt? I just don't know.
Under their advice and initial shock / reactions from family I cut contact. In response my husband attempted to take his own life. I ended up twice attending with police and ambulance. Since then I feel I have to support him with his mental and physical health as he is very vulnerable and I am scared he will end his life if I don't help him.
the problem is he refuses to engage in any conversation about the charges. He won't appoint a solicitor. He won't engage with charities he's been signposted to. He won't discuss it with counsellors he's been in contact with. It's a complete head-in-sand situation. I just don't know what to do.
I am trying to get him to attend addiction therapy / psychotherapy after being under the intensive mental health team for as long as they could keep him. He just seems to want to pretend it isn't happening. Is that a sign of guilt? I just don't know.
I don't think you can assume anything from your OH's behaviour, especially as he has already shown what a state he is in mentally. I hate to have to say this but all you can do really is be patient and wait to see if he settles down and starts to be able to think and act clearly. It's such early days for you, although it probably feels like a lifetime.
Of course you feel as if you need to support him when he is in such a vulnerable state and must be very worried about him, but I hope you are staying alert to any inkling that he is using his mental state to keep you in his life. That decision must be yours alone and for your reasons, not because you're scared to walk away for fear of what he might do. This is terribly hard for you, and impossible for anyone to say definitely what is going on in your OH's mind at the moment. He is certainly full of fear but the cause of that fear is impossible to predict as I can think of reasons to do with both guilt and innocence. Many on here will describe how at first their person refused to discuss anything with them, or denied strongly that they had done anything wrong, only to confess to things as time went by and then agree to seek some help.
PS You might like to repost on the General Discussion section of the forum as that gets far more traffic than here.
Of course you feel as if you need to support him when he is in such a vulnerable state and must be very worried about him, but I hope you are staying alert to any inkling that he is using his mental state to keep you in his life. That decision must be yours alone and for your reasons, not because you're scared to walk away for fear of what he might do. This is terribly hard for you, and impossible for anyone to say definitely what is going on in your OH's mind at the moment. He is certainly full of fear but the cause of that fear is impossible to predict as I can think of reasons to do with both guilt and innocence. Many on here will describe how at first their person refused to discuss anything with them, or denied strongly that they had done anything wrong, only to confess to things as time went by and then agree to seek some help.
PS You might like to repost on the General Discussion section of the forum as that gets far more traffic than here.
Thank you. I definitely am staying because of his threats to kill himself. I am beginning to resent this and I'm finding myself bringing up issues from the past and picking fights.
Oh Ellesse that's a really tough situation to be in.
Although until the devices come back or your partner has an interview it's probably not worth looking at solicitors. So he's sort of on the right tracks with that. I know a lot of people say to take things one day at a time because this is a lengthy process and you dont often get any indications of what will happen or when to allow yourself to prepare.
His mental health will need to come first, I'd highly recommend your GP who can access basic therapy and possibly crisis team if needed. The Lucy faithful courses and stop it now councillors are a massive help to lots ok this forum. I didn't have a clue what the steps were and the sentences/categories etc were until I did the inform course.
I like to plan and prepare for the slightest thing and unfortunately you often can't for this situation. I had therapy for anxiety as the "what will happen" had sent me into a spiral of worrying and stressing over all the things I couldn't control.
It will take a lot of time to come to terms with what has happened and possibly longer for him to admit to what he has done.
Please make sure you take care of yourself as it's a tough time when you are holding it all together for everyone else.
reach out to the forum if you need us x
Although until the devices come back or your partner has an interview it's probably not worth looking at solicitors. So he's sort of on the right tracks with that. I know a lot of people say to take things one day at a time because this is a lengthy process and you dont often get any indications of what will happen or when to allow yourself to prepare.
His mental health will need to come first, I'd highly recommend your GP who can access basic therapy and possibly crisis team if needed. The Lucy faithful courses and stop it now councillors are a massive help to lots ok this forum. I didn't have a clue what the steps were and the sentences/categories etc were until I did the inform course.
I like to plan and prepare for the slightest thing and unfortunately you often can't for this situation. I had therapy for anxiety as the "what will happen" had sent me into a spiral of worrying and stressing over all the things I couldn't control.
It will take a lot of time to come to terms with what has happened and possibly longer for him to admit to what he has done.
Please make sure you take care of yourself as it's a tough time when you are holding it all together for everyone else.
reach out to the forum if you need us x
This is tough, and I say this as the child of an alcoholic as well as the (soon to be ex) wife of someone under investigation. You can't fix him. You can't save him. This is his choice. It's actually OK to step back a bit & say to him why you are stepping back. I guess I also worry about the extent to which men in this situation will use suicide attempts & threats to control those around them - again that sounds hard, but I'm pretty sure it happens.
Or maybe I'm just so weary of these men unleashing hell on everyone around them & then it all being about them and THEIR pain and THEIR shame and it somehow being a woman's job to hold it all together until the poor babies feel "ready".
Hey. If you have children under 18 it's an automatic process that they aren't in the same home, they probably just checked you would comply more then a choice. The difference is whether or not that contact can be supervised or unsupervised.
They could be in a mental pit of dispear and that is why they're not engaging (I know I've stuck my head in the sand before and refused help for years until i finally aknowledged i needed help) this could mean they're guilty and are ashamed they got caught or it could not, only they know what they've done until the investigation ends and the police can tell you.
I personally wouldn't stay with them, but it is your choice whether you step away or not. Whether you stay or not, if they're going to commit suicide they will (been there, done that got the brownie points for myself when i was in the pit of dispear ovet a decade ago now and didnt see any point. You either get out or you dont to be quiet brutally honest).
They could be in a mental pit of dispear and that is why they're not engaging (I know I've stuck my head in the sand before and refused help for years until i finally aknowledged i needed help) this could mean they're guilty and are ashamed they got caught or it could not, only they know what they've done until the investigation ends and the police can tell you.
I personally wouldn't stay with them, but it is your choice whether you step away or not. Whether you stay or not, if they're going to commit suicide they will (been there, done that got the brownie points for myself when i was in the pit of dispear ovet a decade ago now and didnt see any point. You either get out or you dont to be quiet brutally honest).