Lost and Hurt, Venting my frustration
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I don't even know where to start with all this, I'm not even sure if posting here will help but I'm not really sure what else to do at the moment and need a place to vent!
I will keep things as brief as possible, as this has been an ongoing case that has been going on for over 2 years now.
This post is in relation to my brother, who is currently on trial for Child Sex Offences related to one Child (as far as I know but I will go into a more detail on that in a bit)
He has been accused of possessing and making images of a minor, just over 200, approx 150 cat c, but the rest A and B. but also sex with a minor on multiple occasions over a 9 month period. There are other charges I believe but I did'nt get to see the final charge sheet.
After lots of investigation and court adjournments the trial is finally in progress and its not looking good for him, with his Barrister stating that a lengthy custodial sentence is 85% likely. I missed the first day of the trial, but went along to the second day to show my support and to be a representative from the family to find out what was going on in court as he our parents that he does not want them at the trial under any circumstances. Unfortunately myself and my parents have felt the entire time that we have not been told the truth by my brother, lots of red flags in regards to his side of the story and unfortunately he has a reputation for being a liar in many other situations in life. He is a very hard person to believe and I felt being in court would being in court myself would be the only way we would get the answers.
I wish I had'nt gone, it was a horrendous experience, hearing witness testimony, cross examination and evidence we had no idea about, also finding out that things he had told us where different to what he had told the court, and denying things we know to be true.
At the break for lunch my brother suggested that his Barrister had advised that I should not attend the afternoon session, which was to start with the expert witness in with regard to the images. I ignored this as it was my brother that told me, not the Barrister. The Barrister did approach me before the afternoon session and say to me that it was my brothers request that I am not to attend the afternoon session as it contained very upsetting information. I said I would find out the information anyway through the transcripts and the solictor agreed and walked away stating it was my decision to stay or go at which point my brother stepped in and said he doesnt want me in there and would rather "do this by himself"
Already so hurt and emotional from the mornings proceedings I told him that that tells me all I need to know and walked out. I have not spoken to him since.
I am really caught in the middle here, I feel like I am being the a-hole for not believing him but he is making it really hard to believe anything he says, My Dad is sticking by him, he does agree that we havent got the whole truth from him but he also does not know the things I heard and the shear severity of the accusations against him, the details given from my brother have been dumbed down for sure. My brothers only defence seems to be that he didnt do it and she planted the pictures as evidence when he turned down her advances and that she was in love with him.
The trial is likely to finish this week, so this part is nearly over but at this time I can't see any positive outcome from this. My brothers confidence and that of his Barristers tells me that a conviction is highly likely.
I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I m having panic attacks and not sleeping or eating well as I know the rest of my family are in the same boat. I want to tell my Dad about the things I have heard and seen that prove he has lied to us about certain things but I won't as I fear losing my relationship with him as well as my brother.
It's just that horrible limbo stage at the moment, part of me wants to go back to court regardless of my brothers wishes now but I am torn and don't want to upset my family even further.
As the title says I am lost, hurt and venting my frustration and seeking input from people in any similar situation,
I will keep things as brief as possible, as this has been an ongoing case that has been going on for over 2 years now.
This post is in relation to my brother, who is currently on trial for Child Sex Offences related to one Child (as far as I know but I will go into a more detail on that in a bit)
He has been accused of possessing and making images of a minor, just over 200, approx 150 cat c, but the rest A and B. but also sex with a minor on multiple occasions over a 9 month period. There are other charges I believe but I did'nt get to see the final charge sheet.
After lots of investigation and court adjournments the trial is finally in progress and its not looking good for him, with his Barrister stating that a lengthy custodial sentence is 85% likely. I missed the first day of the trial, but went along to the second day to show my support and to be a representative from the family to find out what was going on in court as he our parents that he does not want them at the trial under any circumstances. Unfortunately myself and my parents have felt the entire time that we have not been told the truth by my brother, lots of red flags in regards to his side of the story and unfortunately he has a reputation for being a liar in many other situations in life. He is a very hard person to believe and I felt being in court would being in court myself would be the only way we would get the answers.
I wish I had'nt gone, it was a horrendous experience, hearing witness testimony, cross examination and evidence we had no idea about, also finding out that things he had told us where different to what he had told the court, and denying things we know to be true.
At the break for lunch my brother suggested that his Barrister had advised that I should not attend the afternoon session, which was to start with the expert witness in with regard to the images. I ignored this as it was my brother that told me, not the Barrister. The Barrister did approach me before the afternoon session and say to me that it was my brothers request that I am not to attend the afternoon session as it contained very upsetting information. I said I would find out the information anyway through the transcripts and the solictor agreed and walked away stating it was my decision to stay or go at which point my brother stepped in and said he doesnt want me in there and would rather "do this by himself"
Already so hurt and emotional from the mornings proceedings I told him that that tells me all I need to know and walked out. I have not spoken to him since.
I am really caught in the middle here, I feel like I am being the a-hole for not believing him but he is making it really hard to believe anything he says, My Dad is sticking by him, he does agree that we havent got the whole truth from him but he also does not know the things I heard and the shear severity of the accusations against him, the details given from my brother have been dumbed down for sure. My brothers only defence seems to be that he didnt do it and she planted the pictures as evidence when he turned down her advances and that she was in love with him.
The trial is likely to finish this week, so this part is nearly over but at this time I can't see any positive outcome from this. My brothers confidence and that of his Barristers tells me that a conviction is highly likely.
I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, I m having panic attacks and not sleeping or eating well as I know the rest of my family are in the same boat. I want to tell my Dad about the things I have heard and seen that prove he has lied to us about certain things but I won't as I fear losing my relationship with him as well as my brother.
It's just that horrible limbo stage at the moment, part of me wants to go back to court regardless of my brothers wishes now but I am torn and don't want to upset my family even further.
As the title says I am lost, hurt and venting my frustration and seeking input from people in any similar situation,
So sorry your having to go through all of that , it must have been so difficult having to listen and your brother knows what's coming clearly hence he didnt want you there. Look at i this way would your dad feel better reading about what your brother is lying about or would he rather hear it from you? Would it make you feel better being the one to tell him as your brother isn't telling the truth? I think in the midst of it all you need to do what's right for you, we can only water things down for so long the truth will always be there its how it can be delivered that makes a slight difference. You come to the right place to vent without judgment were all here because we love someone who has committed a crime. It's not a nice place to be but sometimes it can help a little. You take care of yourself xx
I'm so sorry you find yourself on here with the rest of us. It must've been really awful for you to have to go to court and listen to things being said about your brother. to be honest if it was me, I think I would tell my father the truth whether he wanted to hear it or not because at the end of the day he's going to find out the truth when it goes to the papers and if your brother get sent to prison, which from the sounds of it sounds like he's likely to
it's good that you are able to come on here and vent rather than keep it all bottled up. Have you tried ringing the helpline? They can be very good at listening and offering advice but at the end of the day you need to look after yourself and your parents keep yourself safe. Take care xxx
it's good that you are able to come on here and vent rather than keep it all bottled up. Have you tried ringing the helpline? They can be very good at listening and offering advice but at the end of the day you need to look after yourself and your parents keep yourself safe. Take care xxx
Thank you so much for the replies so far,
Update on happenings here, the trial has ended and my brother has been found guilty on all 16 counts. He is now in custody on remand until he is sentenced.
I ve only spoken to my Dad so far through text message, very brief, he is obviously completely broken by the outcome but knows that he can pick up the phone to me at any point and I know he will talk to me when he has had time to process everything thats happening.
Even though in my heart and gut I knew this was going to be the outcome for a long time its still been really hard to digest. For me going forward I have decided I don't want to hear any more about the case or my brother. I lost him when he turned down my support at the courthouse and when I heard the severity of the case and evidence against him.
Now is time to reflect and rebuild. I'm dreading the news hitting the press as I am sure it will once he is sentenced, all I know at the moment is that he has been sent to one of the prisons with a vulnerable prisoner (sex offender) unit. No idea when sentencing will be, does anyone know how I can find out that information?
Update on happenings here, the trial has ended and my brother has been found guilty on all 16 counts. He is now in custody on remand until he is sentenced.
I ve only spoken to my Dad so far through text message, very brief, he is obviously completely broken by the outcome but knows that he can pick up the phone to me at any point and I know he will talk to me when he has had time to process everything thats happening.
Even though in my heart and gut I knew this was going to be the outcome for a long time its still been really hard to digest. For me going forward I have decided I don't want to hear any more about the case or my brother. I lost him when he turned down my support at the courthouse and when I heard the severity of the case and evidence against him.
Now is time to reflect and rebuild. I'm dreading the news hitting the press as I am sure it will once he is sentenced, all I know at the moment is that he has been sent to one of the prisons with a vulnerable prisoner (sex offender) unit. No idea when sentencing will be, does anyone know how I can find out that information?
I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this and go through these awful times.
For us sentencing was quite quickly afterwards-2 months. I don't think you wait as long as the charging decision etc. Although sometimes it can get delayed at court and re-arranged.
My person didn't want anyone there; turns out they'd lied and tried to minimise what they'd done. I didn't go to court as I didn't want to be seen as supporting them. My person doesn't know this; but I know exactly what was said in court as it hit the press. It wasn't just "trolling and winding someone up" as they'd claimed. The content of the messages and the conversation was clearly something very different to what I'd been told.
Thats the bit that really stung; even when they'd been caught; admitted it and faced a court they still wouldn't admit the truth to me. I deserved the truth after everything I'd done to try keep my child safe to try understand the offences; to suggest how to keep them on the straight and narrow. To explain their offending to my family and I only had half the story. I am civil because they are my child's father and for my child's sake I want them to rehabilitated and be a better person. But my relationship with them is gone; the lies killed it. I know the truth even if they won't admit it, and I can't forget that.
Im so sorry you now know your brothers darkest side. I hope you can still reconcile that against the person you love and grew up with. I would also Really recommend the inform course and counselling, it's helped me massively.
For us sentencing was quite quickly afterwards-2 months. I don't think you wait as long as the charging decision etc. Although sometimes it can get delayed at court and re-arranged.
My person didn't want anyone there; turns out they'd lied and tried to minimise what they'd done. I didn't go to court as I didn't want to be seen as supporting them. My person doesn't know this; but I know exactly what was said in court as it hit the press. It wasn't just "trolling and winding someone up" as they'd claimed. The content of the messages and the conversation was clearly something very different to what I'd been told.
Thats the bit that really stung; even when they'd been caught; admitted it and faced a court they still wouldn't admit the truth to me. I deserved the truth after everything I'd done to try keep my child safe to try understand the offences; to suggest how to keep them on the straight and narrow. To explain their offending to my family and I only had half the story. I am civil because they are my child's father and for my child's sake I want them to rehabilitated and be a better person. But my relationship with them is gone; the lies killed it. I know the truth even if they won't admit it, and I can't forget that.
Im so sorry you now know your brothers darkest side. I hope you can still reconcile that against the person you love and grew up with. I would also Really recommend the inform course and counselling, it's helped me massively.
I just wanted to comment because I am also a sibling and I don't see the sibling perspective often on this forum. I think we are in a bit of a unique situation as we cannot completely walk away like a partner could as we have the family dynamics and the feelings of our parents to consider as well. But at the same time I think we can look at it more rationally than a parent who has a different type of bond.
I am someone who wants to be dealing with facts and was also not satisfied with the explanations my brother had given. Luckily he gave my parents disclosure rights so I was able to read his sentencing report which, although a tough read, I felt was really important in order for me to decide what type of relationship I wanted with him going forward.
I feel like my parents had their heads slightly in the sand and didn't want to discuss the specifics that I needed to get straight such of the timeline of my brother's offences (escalating over multiple years). This caused some tension so I completely understand your reluctance to tell your dad what you know.
My brother is now also in prison and I will need to navigate what kind of relationship I want with him (if any) especially on his release. It's easier at the moment when it's just the occasional phone call. I know more difficult decisions are to come.
All this to say that my DMs are open if you wish to vent further to someone in a similar situation. I have sometimes found it hard to relate to others in this forum with different relationships to the offender.
I am someone who wants to be dealing with facts and was also not satisfied with the explanations my brother had given. Luckily he gave my parents disclosure rights so I was able to read his sentencing report which, although a tough read, I felt was really important in order for me to decide what type of relationship I wanted with him going forward.
I feel like my parents had their heads slightly in the sand and didn't want to discuss the specifics that I needed to get straight such of the timeline of my brother's offences (escalating over multiple years). This caused some tension so I completely understand your reluctance to tell your dad what you know.
My brother is now also in prison and I will need to navigate what kind of relationship I want with him (if any) especially on his release. It's easier at the moment when it's just the occasional phone call. I know more difficult decisions are to come.
All this to say that my DMs are open if you wish to vent further to someone in a similar situation. I have sometimes found it hard to relate to others in this forum with different relationships to the offender.