Family and Friends Forum

I'm sorry you find yourself here, my situation isn't the same I was married with children and I left following the knock.

It's completely up to you whether you stay or not, I personally can't talk about the benefits of staying because I didn't see any in my situation, maybe one of the members who stayed could list the benefits for you.

But I would say these are some things to consider:

The investigation is likely to be lengthy, some people on here have been waiting 4 years plus for a resolution.

If you want to have a baby Social Services will be involved from pregnancy onwards, they could say that your partner is unable to live with you, unable to attend your delivery and put your child on a child in need or child protection plan, they could ask that your partner has only supervised access, they will ask for some kind of safety plan in place and although you have done nothing wrong they will put you through lots of parenting assessments as just staying with them often initiates questions about your ability to be protective.

If convicted he may go to prison or he may have a suspended sentence but he will have to sign the sex offenders register and likely have an SHPO in place that prevents him from doing certain things. Some people may say the restrictions are internet only but in alot of cases they are more extensive than this, they will mean that visiting certain places is off limits, permission to be around children must be with full disclosure to their parents (nieces/nephews friends children) certain countries you will not be able to visit, or holiday with certain holidays providers e.g. TUI, he will be subject to random home visits from police etc, he will have to inform them if he gets a new bank card/phone intends to go on a weekend away etc. monitoring software may have to be installed throughout your house. If you work with children or vulnerable people you may have to refer yourself to LADO or a professional body, and any future career promotions for you may be restricted. He may struggle to find employment as it is at probations discretion if they think it's necessary for him to give an employer disclosure/what risk levels are and if they would need to install software at his work. There are some house insurance/car insurance etc that won't accept those with convictions.

There could be media coverage at the court a lady on here recently described that there was media coverage and a mob formed outside her home and they had to remove them for their safety. They will publish his name, photo, age and address in this media coverage if there is any. And they can include whatever sensational headline they like.

There may be some stigma from your family and friends you may lose some along the way.



These are all possibilities, and they played a major part on my decision making, is this the future that you want? At first I missed my husband terribly he was my best friend but I feel so much lighter a year on (albeit with the crushing responsibilities that his crime has left me with and the PTSD) and I now can see that what I missed was the version of him that I thought was the real him, and that man would never get any kind of joy out of seeing children be abused, but he admitted guilt straight away, it had been going on for years, but he's said he was into this and I could just never never be with someone who could watch those things and satisfy himself over them.



Again it's up to you and I totally respect the decisions of the women who have stayed something clearly outweighed it all for them but not me. And you are not legally entwined with him yet, I'm guessing you don't have children, I would seriously consider if this is the life you want.

What an amazing reply. Summarised beautifully and says exactly why I have chosen not to stay.

Sorry you have found yourself in this situation. We are all here for you x

Hiya,

none of it sounds ridiculous - it's exactly how I have felt. We were really happy and didn't have any of the typical breakdown of the relationship that usually happens before you split up.

It's so hard to go from being content to suddenly ending a relationship with no prior warning. For me the relationship ended when I realised he wasn't the man I thought I knew, I discovered this dark side to him that he had hidden well.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat xx

Hi. I'm so sorry for you for being here. It is very early days for you both, you will both be in absolute shock and you for sure will feel like your world has fallen apart. I remember that feeling- 10 months ago for me.
Something you wrote really struck me - I can't get back in to your post whilst writing, but it was something about loving the man he used to be, rather than the man he is now. I've had the very same thoughts (I've chosen to stay and support my husband) but I have realised that he is the same person now as he was. What I mean is he is the person I fell in love with although he has committed this terrible offence- very good people sometimes do very bad things. The LFF Inform course helped me such a lot to understand why some men offend in this way and it really helped me to process and to be rational and to support going forward. I would recommend the course highly, for yourself and Inform plus for your fiancé. As others have said on here it is a very long process so you will have time to make any decisions. Sending you love and strength.

I would say that your parents most likely love and care for you unconditionally and have your best interest at heart they sound like they have a wealth of life experience, especially considering the job that your dad does and you should talk it through with them. I often think about my life and think what would I say to my little girl if this was her life and my goodness I would be heartbroken for her.

For me there is no win in staying to help or fix a person who cared very little about my wellbeing whilst they were doing this, he didn't come forward voluntarily to disclose this to me, he waited until he was caught by police before 'admitting guilt and saying sorry' I know if he hadn't been caught he would likely still be doing this now and he may very well reoffend in the future.

Getting away from him was the only way I was able to gain that clarity and it was painful and hard but at the end of the day you are the one in the driving seat of your life. How do you want that life to look, is standing by this person going to being you joy or restriction and misery. Can you forgive the deception, or the lack of care for the consequences of his actions on your life. Can you ever believe anything he says or is anymore because the departure from the person you thought you had known for a very long time was so shocking.

My husband was not the same man that I married, when we married he promised to be truthful, he promised to protect me and he promised to care for me and I don't see that in these actions, I see a man that put his own sexual gratification and 'needs' before all those things. He watched a d enjoyed harrowing content of children having awful things being done to them and he got off on it.... I certainly didn't marry that man.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but you are amongst people who can empathise completely with what you're going through, and who will support you unconditionally.

Your feelings of confusion and guilt are exactly what I felt in the first few months of this hellscape. I had to process it all in my own time, and I was advised not to make any decisions too soon. I still loved my husband and thought we could get through it to begin with. I wanted to help him, yet felt so conflicted. Your emotions will be all over the place, and it takes time to get your head around it. I don't think I'll ever truly get my head around it to be honest. In the end, I decided to end my marriage. Once my emotions had calmed down a little, I was able to see more clearly. Right from the start I did a lot of research into this issue, and did the Inform course, plus spoke to someone at the helpline a couple of times. I got a steep education in something i never wanted to learn about, but it's helped me to put me first. LRF has outlined all the practicalities so well, and in addition to those, there's the fundamental issue of destroyed trust and betrayal. Regardless of how these people got to this stage of viewing what they viewed, they still made a choice to put themselves first. They knew what they were doing is so wrong, and they know the potential consequences if they're caught. Maybe not the details and the lifelong impact, but they know they'd be in serious trouble. Yet they still did it. I can't forgive that, and I'm not prepared to suffer the consequences of my husbands actions.

But, at the end of the day, its your choice. I admire the people that decide to stay with their partners, I really do, but your decision has to be the best for you and your future. No ones else's.

I totally agree with everything St Jude has written and would like to share my story with you.

On the day of the knock I like everyone here was shocked, confused, angry, sad etc, you name it I suffered every emotion I could think of. I didn't understand the situation at all but was about to embark on a journey I would never have envisaged traveling. I started by making rash and chaotic decisions but was forced to sit down and think through whether my decisions were valid. My immediate response was one of suspicion and the thought I was was living with someone who I no longer knew. When I had gathered my thoughts and had calmed down I knew this was not the actions of my husband, our situation was complicated as he is/was considered high profile and I knew if once he had gone to court it would be blasted all over the papers. I decided my marriage vows were important to me and I took them seriously, this was definitely a for worse situation. I decided I would stay and support my husband. I accompanied him to court on both occasions and suffered horrific press coverage twice however we were fortunate there was no retribution. Four years later and we are as happy and close as we ever were, I love my husband dearly and I was not prepared to throw away 25 years of what had been a happy marriage, our home and our family. We now have two beautiful grandchildren and had to endure the intervention of Social Services but we cooperated and complied and we have been discharged from any further involvement. There was some division within my family however with the exception of one member our family is as united as ever and are all supporting my husband with his rehabilitation, please don't get me wrong, nobody in any of our families condone any wrongdoings and do not undermine the seriousness of these offences. We are testament there is life after the knock, I am normally a person who thinks before I make any decisions yet here I was at the start prepared to throw a life of happiness away. I have had counseling and CBT and ended up on antidepressants but that is all in the past now and we survived and carry on maybe living a life that is different to what we planned but is otherwise happy and stable. Only you can make that choice if you want to stay or leave, my advice is clear your head of anyone else's indulgences (mine included) and decide for yourself if like we have you can survive what's ahead. It has taken love, courage, strength and resilience to get through this ordeal but we are survivors. I do remember telling people who thought I should leave to back off and let me make my own mind up. I hope whatever decision you make will be the right one but it has to be your decision and no one else's.
Take care and best wishes xxx

I am so sorry you have found yourself in this horrible situation, through no fault of your own. I genuinely empathise with everything you have said and can understand how you must be feeling - the hurt, the anger and the unbelievable confusion because the charges dont align with the man you know and love. I bargained in my own brain for months to try and excuse my person's actions.

I see that you have already received some really well thought out replies but I just wanted to add my own wee bit too. Initially I chose to stay because I knew my person was a good person who had made a really awful decision and I wanted to see the best in them. I wasn't able to accept the truth, it just didnt make sense. We are now 8 months down the road and I have recently come to the realisation that I can't pay the consequences of my person's mistakes so I have ended the relationship (we were engaged too). I can relate to what you said about feeling guilty - I do feel like I have abandoned him. On the other hand, I am now seeing that his decisions forced my hand in this. The media coverage was horrendous and left me feeling scared for my own safety in my own home. I also wasn't willing to live with the restrictions on my own life for something I didnt do. Even though its the right decision for me, I am still very much grieving for the life I wish I could have had with him.

Whatever you decide to do, it won't be an easy road ahead. I suppose you have to pick your 'hard'. Please try and remember that you didn't ask for any of this and its his actions that have put you in this position. You might not be ready to accept that now, I wasn't when the knock first came. I love my ex very much but a big part of me wishes I had left as soon as I found out. Sending you love x