Loyalty to Son
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Been pondering over this post for the past week - debating whether to actually get it off my chest in this absolutely 'no judgement haven' that I call this forum. It's been 4 hellish weeks since 'the knock'. The range of emotions, fear.. guilt and dissociation I have felt since that dreaded day is just off the scale - we see so much heartbreaking but sometimes empowering stories of walking away from the men that we have loved so much but their online behaviours unbeknown to us have put us in the horrific, alien nightmare that we never thought was even possible - but what if it's our Sons? Our flesh and blood - what we gave birth to and who we love unconditionally as a Mother..because I'm in so much turmoil, taking my own life has crossed my mind numerous times these last few weeks.
it goes without saying my love for my Son knows no boundaries and I will love him until the day I die but I also feel disconnected from him the last four weeks, on my part not his. He was 20 and made a stupid mistake through Snapchat with teenage pics it seems (waiting on phone to be analysed further). The whole stigma, future hell from this type of behaviour and what it brings with it..I'm not and will not be able I don't think to cope with. I can't look at him and I feel that if there is more than what he is saying there is then I can't support him, il always love him but I'm not prepared to live alongside this, it goes against every thing I have in me. I'm a mother to two daughters also and don't want them dragged through this hell and being a Grandmother also to a little girl I absolutely idolise and love so much - i cannot let this jeopardise my lovely close family, it's devastated us all beyond words.
I feel I will need to support my Son from a distance as I will truthfully say I will not live with this hanging over us and affecting the family when it's not through our wrong doing it's just so unfair. My Son is my world like my other children are too, but I cannot risk losing what we have as a family over his thoughtless life changing behaviours, I'm so confused and frightened x
it goes without saying my love for my Son knows no boundaries and I will love him until the day I die but I also feel disconnected from him the last four weeks, on my part not his. He was 20 and made a stupid mistake through Snapchat with teenage pics it seems (waiting on phone to be analysed further). The whole stigma, future hell from this type of behaviour and what it brings with it..I'm not and will not be able I don't think to cope with. I can't look at him and I feel that if there is more than what he is saying there is then I can't support him, il always love him but I'm not prepared to live alongside this, it goes against every thing I have in me. I'm a mother to two daughters also and don't want them dragged through this hell and being a Grandmother also to a little girl I absolutely idolise and love so much - i cannot let this jeopardise my lovely close family, it's devastated us all beyond words.
I feel I will need to support my Son from a distance as I will truthfully say I will not live with this hanging over us and affecting the family when it's not through our wrong doing it's just so unfair. My Son is my world like my other children are too, but I cannot risk losing what we have as a family over his thoughtless life changing behaviours, I'm so confused and frightened x
So sorry that you are writing this... our son is in the same position, also 20 at the time, we do not have any other children and he is our life.
All we know is this was a communication related ..
He has not denied the conversations and content, he maintains there were no pictures or attempts to meet and that this was not for pleasure.. he was lonely, used language that he would use at college or work and didn't really think of the consequences... the OIC stated that she thought his actions were more driven by low esteem and loneliness and that he just wanted a friend..
We don't really know how this will progress, he is now being assessed for autism and was classed as a vulnerable adult at his questioning... this is just tearing us apart... really can't believe he has done this and always said in the past that if he did anything like this l wouldn't support him... but then l find myself doing the opposite..
If this progresses how l suspect his life is ruined... l just wish l could go back and change things but l can't.. thankfully l have a busy job that keeps my mind occupied, it's just difficult on a night and weekend..
Take care..
All we know is this was a communication related ..
He has not denied the conversations and content, he maintains there were no pictures or attempts to meet and that this was not for pleasure.. he was lonely, used language that he would use at college or work and didn't really think of the consequences... the OIC stated that she thought his actions were more driven by low esteem and loneliness and that he just wanted a friend..
We don't really know how this will progress, he is now being assessed for autism and was classed as a vulnerable adult at his questioning... this is just tearing us apart... really can't believe he has done this and always said in the past that if he did anything like this l wouldn't support him... but then l find myself doing the opposite..
If this progresses how l suspect his life is ruined... l just wish l could go back and change things but l can't.. thankfully l have a busy job that keeps my mind occupied, it's just difficult on a night and weekend..
Take care..
Hi there , you are not alone in this horrendous situation, I am here because of my Son too. When it comes to the stick and lift, its nigh on impossible to just turn your back and withdraw support . I fully understand Daisy about supporting from a step back.
My Son is autistic and 23 when Vigilantes tracked him down and hammered on our door 3.5 yrs ago - brief chat with a 13 yr old girl who originally posted that she was 18yrs - turned out to be a false profile.
Like your Son Dad-in-limbo, he said he wanted a friend, he was lonely and isolated and told them he was autistic. My anxiety is through the roof, he had no choice but to plead guilty as they had screenshot the chat. he is now on SOR and he is being sentenced in 3 weeks. I am heartbroken for him and us !
it's ironic however that because of this horrendous situation, he is getting much more support. He is now in an independent supportive living flat with support workers helping his independence plus it's given us the space to support him having been able to take a step back . My head is completely mashed !
My Son is autistic and 23 when Vigilantes tracked him down and hammered on our door 3.5 yrs ago - brief chat with a 13 yr old girl who originally posted that she was 18yrs - turned out to be a false profile.
Like your Son Dad-in-limbo, he said he wanted a friend, he was lonely and isolated and told them he was autistic. My anxiety is through the roof, he had no choice but to plead guilty as they had screenshot the chat. he is now on SOR and he is being sentenced in 3 weeks. I am heartbroken for him and us !
it's ironic however that because of this horrendous situation, he is getting much more support. He is now in an independent supportive living flat with support workers helping his independence plus it's given us the space to support him having been able to take a step back . My head is completely mashed !
I'm sorry you have been placed into such a difficult position. Like you I'm here because of my son but we're now post sentencing with life feeling a lot more settled.
Finding out that my son's self esteem was non existent, that he'd hated the way he looked from a very young age, that he'd never felt good enough, that his social anxiety had prevented him making friends and that he felt totally worthless broke my heart.
Once I'd started to understand how he viewed himself, I began to make sense of his poor decision making and the reasons he'd communicated via Snapchat in the way he did. On social media he could be whoever he wanted. He could be the confident, popular, sporty, person he'd always wanted to be. He'd feel good when people responded to him in a positive way but very soon afterwards would hate himself for doing what he'd done. Sadly it was this cycle of seeking positive reinforcement followed by a feeling of remorse and self loathing that resulted in him communicating in the was he did with a young person.
Like you my son is my world, my love for him is unconditional. I hate what he did but I love him for who he is. He feels deeply ashamed of what he did, is full of remorse and has worked hard to understand and recognise what led to him offending in the way he did and in developing healthy behaviour and the ability to make better decisions in the future. Despite losing everything he had, being outed in the media and having to spend the next 10 years living with restrictions my son has no complaints. He totally accepts he deserves to be punished and feels grateful for the support, courses and therapy he's had to help him become the better person he now is.
Geting to the place we're now at hasn't been easy. My son spent 2 years going through psychotherapy and i've also been through therapy and mental health wellbeing courses. Life will never be the same as it was but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it.
My son still lives at home with us. He's not allowed unsupervised contact with anyone undergone 18 years but my grandchildren, my great nephews and nieces and friends children are all able to be in the house with my son as long as there is supervision in place.
I can only imagine how difficult the decision to distance yourself from your son must be and my heart really goes out to you. I can tell from your post how much you love your son and how torn you must be feeling. Sending you lots of love
Finding out that my son's self esteem was non existent, that he'd hated the way he looked from a very young age, that he'd never felt good enough, that his social anxiety had prevented him making friends and that he felt totally worthless broke my heart.
Once I'd started to understand how he viewed himself, I began to make sense of his poor decision making and the reasons he'd communicated via Snapchat in the way he did. On social media he could be whoever he wanted. He could be the confident, popular, sporty, person he'd always wanted to be. He'd feel good when people responded to him in a positive way but very soon afterwards would hate himself for doing what he'd done. Sadly it was this cycle of seeking positive reinforcement followed by a feeling of remorse and self loathing that resulted in him communicating in the was he did with a young person.
Like you my son is my world, my love for him is unconditional. I hate what he did but I love him for who he is. He feels deeply ashamed of what he did, is full of remorse and has worked hard to understand and recognise what led to him offending in the way he did and in developing healthy behaviour and the ability to make better decisions in the future. Despite losing everything he had, being outed in the media and having to spend the next 10 years living with restrictions my son has no complaints. He totally accepts he deserves to be punished and feels grateful for the support, courses and therapy he's had to help him become the better person he now is.
Geting to the place we're now at hasn't been easy. My son spent 2 years going through psychotherapy and i've also been through therapy and mental health wellbeing courses. Life will never be the same as it was but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it.
My son still lives at home with us. He's not allowed unsupervised contact with anyone undergone 18 years but my grandchildren, my great nephews and nieces and friends children are all able to be in the house with my son as long as there is supervision in place.
I can only imagine how difficult the decision to distance yourself from your son must be and my heart really goes out to you. I can tell from your post how much you love your son and how torn you must be feeling. Sending you lots of love
I had to pop out of my forum 'retirement' to totally agree with Oceans magnificently worded post.
My son was much like Oceans, through his insecurities got deeper and deeper into this world which eventually crushed him and resulted in my son receiving a long prison sentence.
People/family tried to push me to abandoning him but your post made me reflect on my choice to stand by my son. It comes at a cost as I have to keep our relationship a secret which is a burdon. But I know he's a good man who made crazy choices - he's no monster, no P - he's kind, funny, caring & sensitive and through the hell & high water we've been through I will continue to love him and do the best I can under the limited frame of our relationship.
Must add on here, I'm not some silly person that believes her son is an angel. I know and hate what he's done to us all. That part I will never forgive.
But:
My head hits that pillow at night - at peace with myself, you really have to fight for yourself as a mum on this journey and there's absolute nothing wrong in continuing to love your boy despite what he's done xxxxxxx love & hugs sent x
My son was much like Oceans, through his insecurities got deeper and deeper into this world which eventually crushed him and resulted in my son receiving a long prison sentence.
People/family tried to push me to abandoning him but your post made me reflect on my choice to stand by my son. It comes at a cost as I have to keep our relationship a secret which is a burdon. But I know he's a good man who made crazy choices - he's no monster, no P - he's kind, funny, caring & sensitive and through the hell & high water we've been through I will continue to love him and do the best I can under the limited frame of our relationship.
Must add on here, I'm not some silly person that believes her son is an angel. I know and hate what he's done to us all. That part I will never forgive.
But:
My head hits that pillow at night - at peace with myself, you really have to fight for yourself as a mum on this journey and there's absolute nothing wrong in continuing to love your boy despite what he's done xxxxxxx love & hugs sent x