Absolutely devastated
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Hello
Don't know where to start other than last week we had a knock at the door! My world has been turned upside down and my head is numb. I'm being told very limited information other than it involves online chat through a porn site? I don't understand how the police can not give me the details. My husband isn't communicating with me. All I've had is he's too embarrassed. What about me? His bail conditions are no unsupervised visits & can't stay at home. I'm so confused as to what is going on. I was giving a leaflet & contact details of the officer investigating however they are not returning my calls or emails. I am absolutely pertifed of this coming out as I have other children and this would destroy them. I'm also concerned how there friends etc will react towards them. Is he likely to be charged? Will it make it way into the media? I now have a social worker coming out to my house for an assessment and even she said they don't have the full details and don't have to disclose the full details as that's down to the police!! Am I missing something here. My whole world has been shattered and no one is telling me the content. He's now in hospital due to mental health off the back on this. I'm so confused.
Don't know where to start other than last week we had a knock at the door! My world has been turned upside down and my head is numb. I'm being told very limited information other than it involves online chat through a porn site? I don't understand how the police can not give me the details. My husband isn't communicating with me. All I've had is he's too embarrassed. What about me? His bail conditions are no unsupervised visits & can't stay at home. I'm so confused as to what is going on. I was giving a leaflet & contact details of the officer investigating however they are not returning my calls or emails. I am absolutely pertifed of this coming out as I have other children and this would destroy them. I'm also concerned how there friends etc will react towards them. Is he likely to be charged? Will it make it way into the media? I now have a social worker coming out to my house for an assessment and even she said they don't have the full details and don't have to disclose the full details as that's down to the police!! Am I missing something here. My whole world has been shattered and no one is telling me the content. He's now in hospital due to mental health off the back on this. I'm so confused.
I couldn't just read and scroll by - I wanted to offer you a virtual hand to hold.
I'm sorry that your husband isn't communicating with you, but I can understand that he may be ashamed and embarrassed and not yet ready to talk about what he has done - he may not even know why he has done it.
I was lucky (if you can call it that) in that my OH came home from his initial arrest and interview and told me everything (as much as he could at that time). Depression and anxiety following illness and a toxic workplace had lead him to finding a distraction with online porn and explicit adult conversations on Snapchat - it backfired badly as one of the convos turned out to be a police decoy posing as a 13 year old.
Even with his full disclosure I was left with so many questions, so much anxiety - even now, almost a year after the knock I still wobble, but I'm supporting him. Our kids are grown up and have been told as they have their own children (so I had no choice). Mine are supportive, his daughter wants nothing to do with him.
It took some time but my OH eventually did the Safer Lives course - I did the Inform course thought the Lucy Faithful Foundation, to help me better understand how these men get themselves into such a place, and to give me the tools to help him in his recovery.
He has also recently started counselling through Stopso.
All I can say is that you are both in the very early stages, and are both traumatised. There is no need to make any decisions yet, as these investigations can take quite some time.
Im glad your husband is getting some mental health care - mine attempted suicide shortly after his arrest, such was his self loathing and guilt for what he had done. He is in a much better place mentally now.
Im worried about it being reported too, but I'll deal with that if it happens, the same as I have dealt with everything so far.
Phone the helpline - they are there to listen to our worries and advise us. And continue to reach out on this forum - we have all been you xxx
I'm sorry that your husband isn't communicating with you, but I can understand that he may be ashamed and embarrassed and not yet ready to talk about what he has done - he may not even know why he has done it.
I was lucky (if you can call it that) in that my OH came home from his initial arrest and interview and told me everything (as much as he could at that time). Depression and anxiety following illness and a toxic workplace had lead him to finding a distraction with online porn and explicit adult conversations on Snapchat - it backfired badly as one of the convos turned out to be a police decoy posing as a 13 year old.
Even with his full disclosure I was left with so many questions, so much anxiety - even now, almost a year after the knock I still wobble, but I'm supporting him. Our kids are grown up and have been told as they have their own children (so I had no choice). Mine are supportive, his daughter wants nothing to do with him.
It took some time but my OH eventually did the Safer Lives course - I did the Inform course thought the Lucy Faithful Foundation, to help me better understand how these men get themselves into such a place, and to give me the tools to help him in his recovery.
He has also recently started counselling through Stopso.
All I can say is that you are both in the very early stages, and are both traumatised. There is no need to make any decisions yet, as these investigations can take quite some time.
Im glad your husband is getting some mental health care - mine attempted suicide shortly after his arrest, such was his self loathing and guilt for what he had done. He is in a much better place mentally now.
Im worried about it being reported too, but I'll deal with that if it happens, the same as I have dealt with everything so far.
Phone the helpline - they are there to listen to our worries and advise us. And continue to reach out on this forum - we have all been you xxx
I am so sorry to hear what your are going through. I remember those early stages and they are devastating. Please remember that you are not alone though- there are lots of people out there who know the pain you are going through, who might be able to help as you start along this horrible journey.
https://theknockachildseyes.wixsite.com/theknockeyesofachild
I have just come across a resource that might help you in terms of supporting yourself and children. There are many different resources on there, might be helpful to take a look when you feel ready.
Take care x
https://theknockachildseyes.wixsite.com/theknockeyesofachild
I have just come across a resource that might help you in terms of supporting yourself and children. There are many different resources on there, might be helpful to take a look when you feel ready.
Take care x
Hi,
I don't comment much on here anymore but I do occasionally check back and couldn't not comment this time.
One thing is for certain, you are not alone. Every single one of us can relate to everything you have said. We have all had our lives turned upside down.
You will be in a rollercoaster for the next few weeks. It's harder in the beginning but it does get easier (honestly, when someone told me this I felt like screaming)
SS will do an assessment. Ours was to identify if I could supervise seeing our children and if there was any history of sexual abuse to them.
It takes around 45 days ish. They will then either close with a safety plan in place, close with nothing in place, escalate to child in need or child protection. It depends on how old your children are and what they know.
Our OIC went on paternity leave the day after my husbands arrest. I ended up ringing the office lots during those first few weeks.
For comparison, I'll tell you my story briefly without all the emotion so you can see a timeline.
June 2024 we got the knock. Husband on bail and not allowed to sleep at home.
July 2024 SS assessment started. This was 3 visits to speak with me, speak with the kids then more speaking with me and developing a safety plan. We closed with safety plan in place August 2024. SW did disclose something to me (that it was on a phone a didn't know about)
3 month bail was extended and changed so that he could come home if SS agreed.
This triggered another assessment.
Assessed again from October 2024-Jan 2025. They closed but referred to a child in need plan. We've been on the child in need since Feb and are still on it.
Both had to undertake risk assessments.
Husband got NFA (no further action) from the police early June 2025. All devices taken were clear.
Currently waiting to hear from the SW this week about their recommendations going forward despite no bail conditions. Even though no bail conditions they have said he cannot come home until they've done their risk assessment and come up with a safety plan.
my children are 13 & 16. We are currently seeking legal advice as they are being extremely overzealous despite our full cooperation.
Everyone's story and outcome is different, I lived trawling through these at first.
I hope you're as ok as you can be and the crying has eased slightly. Always here if you want to reach out.
x
I don't comment much on here anymore but I do occasionally check back and couldn't not comment this time.
One thing is for certain, you are not alone. Every single one of us can relate to everything you have said. We have all had our lives turned upside down.
You will be in a rollercoaster for the next few weeks. It's harder in the beginning but it does get easier (honestly, when someone told me this I felt like screaming)
SS will do an assessment. Ours was to identify if I could supervise seeing our children and if there was any history of sexual abuse to them.
It takes around 45 days ish. They will then either close with a safety plan in place, close with nothing in place, escalate to child in need or child protection. It depends on how old your children are and what they know.
Our OIC went on paternity leave the day after my husbands arrest. I ended up ringing the office lots during those first few weeks.
For comparison, I'll tell you my story briefly without all the emotion so you can see a timeline.
June 2024 we got the knock. Husband on bail and not allowed to sleep at home.
July 2024 SS assessment started. This was 3 visits to speak with me, speak with the kids then more speaking with me and developing a safety plan. We closed with safety plan in place August 2024. SW did disclose something to me (that it was on a phone a didn't know about)
3 month bail was extended and changed so that he could come home if SS agreed.
This triggered another assessment.
Assessed again from October 2024-Jan 2025. They closed but referred to a child in need plan. We've been on the child in need since Feb and are still on it.
Both had to undertake risk assessments.
Husband got NFA (no further action) from the police early June 2025. All devices taken were clear.
Currently waiting to hear from the SW this week about their recommendations going forward despite no bail conditions. Even though no bail conditions they have said he cannot come home until they've done their risk assessment and come up with a safety plan.
my children are 13 & 16. We are currently seeking legal advice as they are being extremely overzealous despite our full cooperation.
Everyone's story and outcome is different, I lived trawling through these at first.
I hope you're as ok as you can be and the crying has eased slightly. Always here if you want to reach out.
x
This is an unimaginable shock. Please lean on that support officer. Your focus must be on your and your children's well-being right now. You are not alone.