Heartbroken & in Disbelief
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New here & hoping for some support as I share what's happened.
It started as a normal day, I was just about to leave for work and we'd had a beautiful weekend with all of the family, what could go wrong?
I had police knock on the door of (my then) home and make their way inside saying that they were arresting my boyfriend of almost 5 years for talking to a child sexually online.
I feel like friends think I'm exaggerating when I say I almost collapsed right there in the hall when I heard those words, but anyone who has gone through this will know that's exactly how it feels.
We're not married and have no children together, so the police wouldn't tell me anything. They came in, took him, searched the home & vehicles and then just left me devastated. I sat in the hallway for an hour crying, distraught once I'd closed the door behind them.
It was his house, so naturally I knew I had to leave and so just packed what I could into the back of my car and left.
I've since tried to get answers but he 'just doesn't know why' he did it.
It had been going on for a month or so on and off, and started whilst we were on holiday and I had no clue until the police came. He was apparently talking to a lot of people during this time, which doesn't make me feel any better, however, this situation is a completely different kind of betrayal. I don't know if it was a child or a police decoy.
I've got good people around me, but I've lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my safe place, plus the house we were making a home together. And even though I'm grieving someone I thought I knew and should be looking after myself, I'm terribly worried about him and what's to come.
I do believe that this is an isolated incident and that there's no IIOC, etc. but it doesn't make it any better.
Will it get easier? Why do I want to support him when I could just walk away? Is there a chance of us getting through this and going back to 'normal'? I feel so lost.
p.s. you're all so brave sharing your stories and supporting each other.
It started as a normal day, I was just about to leave for work and we'd had a beautiful weekend with all of the family, what could go wrong?
I had police knock on the door of (my then) home and make their way inside saying that they were arresting my boyfriend of almost 5 years for talking to a child sexually online.
I feel like friends think I'm exaggerating when I say I almost collapsed right there in the hall when I heard those words, but anyone who has gone through this will know that's exactly how it feels.
We're not married and have no children together, so the police wouldn't tell me anything. They came in, took him, searched the home & vehicles and then just left me devastated. I sat in the hallway for an hour crying, distraught once I'd closed the door behind them.
It was his house, so naturally I knew I had to leave and so just packed what I could into the back of my car and left.
I've since tried to get answers but he 'just doesn't know why' he did it.
It had been going on for a month or so on and off, and started whilst we were on holiday and I had no clue until the police came. He was apparently talking to a lot of people during this time, which doesn't make me feel any better, however, this situation is a completely different kind of betrayal. I don't know if it was a child or a police decoy.
I've got good people around me, but I've lost my boyfriend, my best friend and my safe place, plus the house we were making a home together. And even though I'm grieving someone I thought I knew and should be looking after myself, I'm terribly worried about him and what's to come.
I do believe that this is an isolated incident and that there's no IIOC, etc. but it doesn't make it any better.
Will it get easier? Why do I want to support him when I could just walk away? Is there a chance of us getting through this and going back to 'normal'? I feel so lost.
p.s. you're all so brave sharing your stories and supporting each other.
So sorry you are going through this.
Im similar to you, with my partner for 12 years, no kids etc.
I also lost my best friend, on one part I understand and another I think how can you abandon me at my worst time!
Currently still going through this, we have the plea hearing next week. He is moving out on Sunday. We both own the house but since this isn't my doing and I love my house im going nowhere.
Sorry I cant be more help but message me if you have any questions about the process and I'll try and answer them x
Im similar to you, with my partner for 12 years, no kids etc.
I also lost my best friend, on one part I understand and another I think how can you abandon me at my worst time!
Currently still going through this, we have the plea hearing next week. He is moving out on Sunday. We both own the house but since this isn't my doing and I love my house im going nowhere.
Sorry I cant be more help but message me if you have any questions about the process and I'll try and answer them x
Similar situation here except we are married and have been together over 20 years.
A period of ill health and problems at work had affected him badly and he couldn't talk to me so turned to the anonymity of online conversations which started with adults but turned into something far more sinister.
It was a decoy in our case and I'm glad he got caught because that stopped him in his tracks. There were other conversations too but he's only being charged with the decoy one.
We have his plea hearing in a couple of weeks. I've stayed, with the proviso that I can change my mind at any time.
May I suggest that you call the helpline and have a chat with them - consider doing the Inform course as this will go some way to helping you understand.
He may not necessarily be a bad person - he's just done something very wrong.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here - there is no right or wrong way to feel and I hope you are ok xx
A period of ill health and problems at work had affected him badly and he couldn't talk to me so turned to the anonymity of online conversations which started with adults but turned into something far more sinister.
It was a decoy in our case and I'm glad he got caught because that stopped him in his tracks. There were other conversations too but he's only being charged with the decoy one.
We have his plea hearing in a couple of weeks. I've stayed, with the proviso that I can change my mind at any time.
May I suggest that you call the helpline and have a chat with them - consider doing the Inform course as this will go some way to helping you understand.
He may not necessarily be a bad person - he's just done something very wrong.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here - there is no right or wrong way to feel and I hope you are ok xx
Heartbroken in disbelief. I'm sorry you find yourself on here with us. I know how you must have felt when you got the knock until you've actually been through it yourself I think it's very hard to explain how you feel
I stood by my OH after I found out he had offended he wasn't with me when he offended and served a custodial sentence when he came out is when I met him and for 10 years stood by him I lost everything my children my grandchildren even my job and then last year two weeks before he was coming off the register we got the knock he had reoffended. It's very difficult to know whether to stay and support them or whether to move on. I know it's hard but you don't have any ties as such with this guy in the form of children or of a marriage. I can't tell you what to do but what I can't tell you is think very carefully because I never thought my OH would ever reoffend but he did and they do but most of all what you need to remember is you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first x
I stood by my OH after I found out he had offended he wasn't with me when he offended and served a custodial sentence when he came out is when I met him and for 10 years stood by him I lost everything my children my grandchildren even my job and then last year two weeks before he was coming off the register we got the knock he had reoffended. It's very difficult to know whether to stay and support them or whether to move on. I know it's hard but you don't have any ties as such with this guy in the form of children or of a marriage. I can't tell you what to do but what I can't tell you is think very carefully because I never thought my OH would ever reoffend but he did and they do but most of all what you need to remember is you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first x