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Hi,
I wondering if anyone has found any support for their children and themselves. My ex partner and dad to my children has been to court in 2022 and convicted. He got a suspended sentence, a fine to pay, on the register for 5 years and on a SHPO indefinitely.
Social services and the police have disappeared and I feel like we have to navigate this all alone... Anyone else feel like this?
Social services did get involved when he first got arrested in October 2020. However after a year and 4 social workers later they disappeared. I thought after he got sentence they would be involved but nothing as the kids don't live with him. Nothing to check in on them or me or anything? I know this service is under stain but why can't anyone check.
The police did get in touch but only to say it was my choice who supervised contact between him and his kids and it was my choice if allowed that. Then they didn't bother to call again...anyone else felt like this?
I did supervise contact back when social services were involved when he was first arrested. It happed in a private room at the children's centre. That came to an end as they couldn't allow us the room after 6 months due to funding. So I did supervise the contact in the community as well as video calls. After asking him to tell me when his court case up and he didn't tell me anything...then I found out when he was being sentence and going to court...no press and none of his family there. He and his solicitor blamed me for it all because I caused him to get such bad mental health. He started when he got engaged and moved apparently he was super happy. He was never depressed. After being blamed I just couldn't carry on supervising contact. So his parents who are very supportive towards him especially his mum supervise it. They don't need a check or DBS or anything to supervise it. Why are over 18s just allowed to supervise it. I always go and stay at the place where they are having contact. I always try and make it as safe as possible and only for a few hours. Yet I feel no one checks, no police or social services.
I feel no one cares about us as victims. Yes he didnt abuse our children but who cares about them. Of course I do but who checks in on them. All this support to reform for my ex partner but he has his normal life. He has his house, his new car, his job and can go everywhere like everyone else. Why? People are going to prison for throwing rocks at hotels (I don't support these people at all) but these sex offenders aren't going to prison. They are walking freely.? Why?
I am trying to think of the kids and allowing them to know there dad. They don't know what he has done. I don't know how to explain it. No one helps? How to you break it to your kids that they dad abused children....?
My ex and I split up because he may appear to be charming but he is anything but that. He used to have a go at anything I didn't do or anything I do, anything I did right or wrong would always be negative about my and positive about how great he was. The police never ask my opinion. They haven't ever asked what he is like? He controls everything. I think he is controlling what his mum and dad know.
Any advice or anyone else feel like this?
I wondering if anyone has found any support for their children and themselves. My ex partner and dad to my children has been to court in 2022 and convicted. He got a suspended sentence, a fine to pay, on the register for 5 years and on a SHPO indefinitely.
Social services and the police have disappeared and I feel like we have to navigate this all alone... Anyone else feel like this?
Social services did get involved when he first got arrested in October 2020. However after a year and 4 social workers later they disappeared. I thought after he got sentence they would be involved but nothing as the kids don't live with him. Nothing to check in on them or me or anything? I know this service is under stain but why can't anyone check.
The police did get in touch but only to say it was my choice who supervised contact between him and his kids and it was my choice if allowed that. Then they didn't bother to call again...anyone else felt like this?
I did supervise contact back when social services were involved when he was first arrested. It happed in a private room at the children's centre. That came to an end as they couldn't allow us the room after 6 months due to funding. So I did supervise the contact in the community as well as video calls. After asking him to tell me when his court case up and he didn't tell me anything...then I found out when he was being sentence and going to court...no press and none of his family there. He and his solicitor blamed me for it all because I caused him to get such bad mental health. He started when he got engaged and moved apparently he was super happy. He was never depressed. After being blamed I just couldn't carry on supervising contact. So his parents who are very supportive towards him especially his mum supervise it. They don't need a check or DBS or anything to supervise it. Why are over 18s just allowed to supervise it. I always go and stay at the place where they are having contact. I always try and make it as safe as possible and only for a few hours. Yet I feel no one checks, no police or social services.
I feel no one cares about us as victims. Yes he didnt abuse our children but who cares about them. Of course I do but who checks in on them. All this support to reform for my ex partner but he has his normal life. He has his house, his new car, his job and can go everywhere like everyone else. Why? People are going to prison for throwing rocks at hotels (I don't support these people at all) but these sex offenders aren't going to prison. They are walking freely.? Why?
I am trying to think of the kids and allowing them to know there dad. They don't know what he has done. I don't know how to explain it. No one helps? How to you break it to your kids that they dad abused children....?
My ex and I split up because he may appear to be charming but he is anything but that. He used to have a go at anything I didn't do or anything I do, anything I did right or wrong would always be negative about my and positive about how great he was. The police never ask my opinion. They haven't ever asked what he is like? He controls everything. I think he is controlling what his mum and dad know.
Any advice or anyone else feel like this?
Hey, I am sorry you are going through all of this. It's absolutely horrible! I completely agree though, there is hardly any support out there for families: we are just dumped into this mess and then left to get on with it. If you have a look on the website 'The Knock: Through The Eyes Of A Child',
https://theknockachildseyes.wixsite.com/theknockeyesofachild
You will find a book that might be age appropriate in starting a discussion with your children about what has happened. You will also find a script to help you tell them (if you choose this is right for you), safety plan for facilitating supervised contact (if this is ever needed) and other resources. I hope there is something on there that can help you.
Take care and look after yourself. Handling every aspect of this journey feels impossible, you are doing great my posting and asking for help. You've got this.
https://theknockachildseyes.wixsite.com/theknockeyesofachild
You will find a book that might be age appropriate in starting a discussion with your children about what has happened. You will also find a script to help you tell them (if you choose this is right for you), safety plan for facilitating supervised contact (if this is ever needed) and other resources. I hope there is something on there that can help you.
Take care and look after yourself. Handling every aspect of this journey feels impossible, you are doing great my posting and asking for help. You've got this.
I totally get you.. hugs
I don't relate to many on here as they stay with their partners , mine has ruined my life, our kids and destroyed my trust in anyone. I will die alone now because I won't ever take the risk of a partner doing this to me again..
my ex too has freedom, he has no SHPO so only has to abide by the SOR which if I'm honest he still gets to go on holidays, can spend time at peoples houses long as it's under 12 hours etc doesn't really seem to do much if I'm honest!!
the worst part for me is the fact no-one knows, I can't confide in anyone as I simply don't trust them not to tell and at end of day my children will be effected even more then..
I've lost my house, my job, my life basically as our eldest has high care needs and I don't get a break.. I was supervising contact until recently (don't think they realise how bloody difficult this is) and now we're going through family court - what a joke right? I've got children's services involved again after years of being free because of HIM! Yet I'm the one who carries all the stress, worry of my children etc
im honestly sick of it all, im nearly 8 years into this shit show and it just gets worse..
I don't relate to many on here as they stay with their partners , mine has ruined my life, our kids and destroyed my trust in anyone. I will die alone now because I won't ever take the risk of a partner doing this to me again..
my ex too has freedom, he has no SHPO so only has to abide by the SOR which if I'm honest he still gets to go on holidays, can spend time at peoples houses long as it's under 12 hours etc doesn't really seem to do much if I'm honest!!
the worst part for me is the fact no-one knows, I can't confide in anyone as I simply don't trust them not to tell and at end of day my children will be effected even more then..
I've lost my house, my job, my life basically as our eldest has high care needs and I don't get a break.. I was supervising contact until recently (don't think they realise how bloody difficult this is) and now we're going through family court - what a joke right? I've got children's services involved again after years of being free because of HIM! Yet I'm the one who carries all the stress, worry of my children etc
im honestly sick of it all, im nearly 8 years into this shit show and it just gets worse..
Sadly I didn't find social services particularly supportive. This may not be everyone's experience. They always seemed rushed, very over stretched and said at every meeting how keen they were to get out of our lives and basically said if I ended my relationship that was enough for them to be satisfied my child won't come to harm. I also asked numerous times for leaflets/signposting/information or other resources for support and even for things to be explained and was told "oh just google it" on more than one occasion.
They were hopeless at taking into consideration the child's emotional wellbeing, mental health, behaviour or how they would react to the family being torn apart, losing their relationship with their Dad or disrupting their routine with inconvenient visits. It could just be under resourcing on their part with the fact it's seen as such a taboo and shocking crime but our experience was basically; so long as Dad was never left unsupervised and we split up so there was no opportunity for sexual harm.....they didn't give a damn about anything else.
Our best and most useful resources were the school for support, and the lovely people in this forum & on the helpline. School had their own counsellor who worked with kids for numerous reasons (school refusers, autism, anxiety, bullied kids etc) and the safeguarding staff were always really kind, considerate and supportive. Social service 0 stars, would not recommend, hoping to never have to experience again.
They were hopeless at taking into consideration the child's emotional wellbeing, mental health, behaviour or how they would react to the family being torn apart, losing their relationship with their Dad or disrupting their routine with inconvenient visits. It could just be under resourcing on their part with the fact it's seen as such a taboo and shocking crime but our experience was basically; so long as Dad was never left unsupervised and we split up so there was no opportunity for sexual harm.....they didn't give a damn about anything else.
Our best and most useful resources were the school for support, and the lovely people in this forum & on the helpline. School had their own counsellor who worked with kids for numerous reasons (school refusers, autism, anxiety, bullied kids etc) and the safeguarding staff were always really kind, considerate and supportive. Social service 0 stars, would not recommend, hoping to never have to experience again.
Yes, same with me.. in the whole 7 years of this saga I've had no contact with children's services! It's shocking really as how do they even know my children are having supervised? (They are) but no wonder children end up getting hurt.
theres no help for us, or the children.. we're just left and expected to get on with everything whilst navigating the wreck left behind. I wish I could set something up to help others, I could have done with someone to talk to that understood what I'd be in for, without judging. I've got no friends, my family don't understand why I allowed contact (supervised) etc it's just awful how we're treated tbh
theres no help for us, or the children.. we're just left and expected to get on with everything whilst navigating the wreck left behind. I wish I could set something up to help others, I could have done with someone to talk to that understood what I'd be in for, without judging. I've got no friends, my family don't understand why I allowed contact (supervised) etc it's just awful how we're treated tbh