Family members want nothing to do with me
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For the longest time I've wanted to tell my other relatives about my ex's conviction, but I was just so afraid that I put it off until it was really too late, at first they were 110% supportive, listened to me, hugged me, everything.
But since then I know that I've lost them as family members, we've had a talk which turned into a shouting match and basicly being told that me and my parents who housed me have pretty much been cut off. I can't even begin to describe how guilty I feel for my parents that have done nothing but support me, my child and at the time my ex, especially now that my relatives want nothing to do with them.
I try and tell myself every day that it wasn't me that put us in this position, it was my ex husband that quite frankly keeps digging himself a bigger and bigger hole every day. He's the one that's destroyed our lives, our family, our future.
at the same time I just wish I told them sooner, that maybe if I did I wouldn't be in half of this mess but what's done is done. If anything, my parents and I often kind of joked about us moving away but now it looks like a real possiblity as the only thing really keeping us here was my relatives, and now we don't have them.
I will say though I am so thankful for my brother, he understood completely why at the time I wanted to stay, why I felt the way I did and the reasons for all my circumstances, and even when everyone was yelling, he took me to the side, hugged me and told me no matter what he would always be there for me. We've always been close, but with his actions showed me what true family and love is and I'll always appriciate that.
I suppose all I can really say for anyone out there in the same boat as me is there will be someone that really cares, someone that you can lean on and while things may not go the way you planned or wanted, there'll always be someone that will hold your hand through this x
But since then I know that I've lost them as family members, we've had a talk which turned into a shouting match and basicly being told that me and my parents who housed me have pretty much been cut off. I can't even begin to describe how guilty I feel for my parents that have done nothing but support me, my child and at the time my ex, especially now that my relatives want nothing to do with them.
I try and tell myself every day that it wasn't me that put us in this position, it was my ex husband that quite frankly keeps digging himself a bigger and bigger hole every day. He's the one that's destroyed our lives, our family, our future.
at the same time I just wish I told them sooner, that maybe if I did I wouldn't be in half of this mess but what's done is done. If anything, my parents and I often kind of joked about us moving away but now it looks like a real possiblity as the only thing really keeping us here was my relatives, and now we don't have them.
I will say though I am so thankful for my brother, he understood completely why at the time I wanted to stay, why I felt the way I did and the reasons for all my circumstances, and even when everyone was yelling, he took me to the side, hugged me and told me no matter what he would always be there for me. We've always been close, but with his actions showed me what true family and love is and I'll always appriciate that.
I suppose all I can really say for anyone out there in the same boat as me is there will be someone that really cares, someone that you can lean on and while things may not go the way you planned or wanted, there'll always be someone that will hold your hand through this x
Hello,
Thank you for posting on the Family and Friends Forum. We wanted to contribute to your thread as it seems you have not received a response just yet, but we hope that some of our Forum users will be able to respond to offer you some support soon. Our Forum is quite active, so occasionally posts may be missed, but we encourage you to check in frequently for a reply, as responses often come in with time.
In the meantime, if you have not already reached out, I would gently encourage you to contact our Stop It Now helpline. It is a free, confidential, and anonymous service available on 0808 1000 900. Our trained advisors are there to listen, explore your situation with you, and provide tailored support. You can find more information about the helpline and chat service, as well as our opening hours here.
We hope that someone will respond to your post soon, so that you can receive some support from our Forum users.
Take care,
The Forum Team
Thank you for posting on the Family and Friends Forum. We wanted to contribute to your thread as it seems you have not received a response just yet, but we hope that some of our Forum users will be able to respond to offer you some support soon. Our Forum is quite active, so occasionally posts may be missed, but we encourage you to check in frequently for a reply, as responses often come in with time.
In the meantime, if you have not already reached out, I would gently encourage you to contact our Stop It Now helpline. It is a free, confidential, and anonymous service available on 0808 1000 900. Our trained advisors are there to listen, explore your situation with you, and provide tailored support. You can find more information about the helpline and chat service, as well as our opening hours here.
We hope that someone will respond to your post soon, so that you can receive some support from our Forum users.
Take care,
The Forum Team
How did they find out?
my family know about my ex as the police came whilst my parents were in the house.. they've been incredibly supportive towards me (not towards my ex) but rightly so., I carry a lot of anger towards him as he takes no responsibility for the damage done to our children / me/ my family having to take on the role of helping me due to our eldest being disabled!
None other family members know and I like it this way.. I don't trust anyone tbh, my exes case wasn't reported and the area I now live in isn't the best so I'd be worried about the backlash even though I left him soon as knock happened and obviously wasn't aware!
I'll be honest, I wish I was in a position to move - my parents are but I'm not. I don't own a house anymore unfortunately so I'm stuck where I've been housed :(
you've done nothing wrong , it's not your guilt to carry x
my family know about my ex as the police came whilst my parents were in the house.. they've been incredibly supportive towards me (not towards my ex) but rightly so., I carry a lot of anger towards him as he takes no responsibility for the damage done to our children / me/ my family having to take on the role of helping me due to our eldest being disabled!
None other family members know and I like it this way.. I don't trust anyone tbh, my exes case wasn't reported and the area I now live in isn't the best so I'd be worried about the backlash even though I left him soon as knock happened and obviously wasn't aware!
I'll be honest, I wish I was in a position to move - my parents are but I'm not. I don't own a house anymore unfortunately so I'm stuck where I've been housed :(
you've done nothing wrong , it's not your guilt to carry x
I wonder what makes you think they might have taken it better if you had told them sooner?
My parents were upset I hadn't told them sooner; purely because they wanted to be there for me and it broke my mum knowing I was upset and hurting and she wasn't there for me because she didn't know. I didn't want to tell her until I knew what was happening and had some idea of whether I was staying or leaving.
She was also very annoyed that she couldn't have been there to help me with social services when we were going through all the conferences etc. but I think that was wise as she's very protective and does not handle unfairness or tolerate bullying so may have actually made things worse by launching complaints and being very vocal. whereas I found just getting through it worked better as if you question anything it was seen as not engaging and being awkward.
I told one sibling but not the others and this caused a lot of turbulence in our relationship as they thought it was because I didn't love or trust them (that wasn't the case). When we had a heart to heart and I explained it's because in was trying to protect them (one had a lot of serious stuff going on on their own life at the time and so didn't want to add to that). I was also terrified I'd lose one of them and never be able to see my niece who is the same age as the victims in my ex's offences.
My only advice would be tell them before they find out. It's better if they find out from you. I waited until I knew the charges so I didn't have too many questions and other people to manage and update whilst we were in limbo at the start as I found this exhausting and stressful.
you may lose some friends or family you tell and you can't un-tell them or stop them from telling others so it can spread like wildfire so be mindful of this when you share. Give them time to think about it and get over the shock and emphasise why you didn't want to share; the impact it's had on you and that by keeping it close they are protecting you and any children involved not for the benefit of the offender if they are upset or unhappy about maintaining that confidentiality.
She was also very annoyed that she couldn't have been there to help me with social services when we were going through all the conferences etc. but I think that was wise as she's very protective and does not handle unfairness or tolerate bullying so may have actually made things worse by launching complaints and being very vocal. whereas I found just getting through it worked better as if you question anything it was seen as not engaging and being awkward.
I told one sibling but not the others and this caused a lot of turbulence in our relationship as they thought it was because I didn't love or trust them (that wasn't the case). When we had a heart to heart and I explained it's because in was trying to protect them (one had a lot of serious stuff going on on their own life at the time and so didn't want to add to that). I was also terrified I'd lose one of them and never be able to see my niece who is the same age as the victims in my ex's offences.
My only advice would be tell them before they find out. It's better if they find out from you. I waited until I knew the charges so I didn't have too many questions and other people to manage and update whilst we were in limbo at the start as I found this exhausting and stressful.
you may lose some friends or family you tell and you can't un-tell them or stop them from telling others so it can spread like wildfire so be mindful of this when you share. Give them time to think about it and get over the shock and emphasise why you didn't want to share; the impact it's had on you and that by keeping it close they are protecting you and any children involved not for the benefit of the offender if they are upset or unhappy about maintaining that confidentiality.