What do we do?
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Hi,
It is so difficult. What SS want is to know that you have protective measures in place. That you have discussed certain things with your children. My son was older so I could be more open about what was going on.
I also said we would not have any sleepovers etc. it was hard as the more I was insisting on trying to have some normality they tried to frame it that I was in some kind of denial.
Most of the social workers were ok and genuinely wanted to support and help through the process, unfortunately some are just awful and I have no idea why they are in the job!
xx
It is so difficult. What SS want is to know that you have protective measures in place. That you have discussed certain things with your children. My son was older so I could be more open about what was going on.
I also said we would not have any sleepovers etc. it was hard as the more I was insisting on trying to have some normality they tried to frame it that I was in some kind of denial.
Most of the social workers were ok and genuinely wanted to support and help through the process, unfortunately some are just awful and I have no idea why they are in the job!
xx
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Hi Sunshine - SS go on risk, rather than proof, so in their eyes the very fact your husband has gone down this road presents a risk to other children.
The best and only thing you can do is to show that (regardless of whether you think it's necessary) you can be a protective person for your children. I know it doesn't sit well to be sounding as if our people could possibly be 'monsters' but that is what we have to do. In some ways I can see the logic for SS to take that line for safety's sake and possibly to prevent them missing something, as has happened tragically in some cases in the media, but it doesn't make it any easier for us. Our SW did a capacity to protect on us (it's our son so the kids are our grandchildren) which came out positively plus a risk assessment on our son, which went well for him, but she then said that until SS know exactly what he's done they would have to assume he might be a risk anyway so it was rather a waste of time as here we are over 2 years later with no further info from the police so the risk is still having to be assumed!!!
The best and only thing you can do is to show that (regardless of whether you think it's necessary) you can be a protective person for your children. I know it doesn't sit well to be sounding as if our people could possibly be 'monsters' but that is what we have to do. In some ways I can see the logic for SS to take that line for safety's sake and possibly to prevent them missing something, as has happened tragically in some cases in the media, but it doesn't make it any easier for us. Our SW did a capacity to protect on us (it's our son so the kids are our grandchildren) which came out positively plus a risk assessment on our son, which went well for him, but she then said that until SS know exactly what he's done they would have to assume he might be a risk anyway so it was rather a waste of time as here we are over 2 years later with no further info from the police so the risk is still having to be assumed!!!
SS told me they were to complete a risk assessment with my OH to assess the level of risk and that this would be done by a specialist team within 45 days. Until this is complete OH is currently allowed one hour a day supervised contact but my kids are teens and tbh not interested in sitting in a room with their father for an hour, never have been. They eat and go back to their rooms or out with friends. So the 1 hr is rather pointless.
Once assessment is complete they have advised that depending on risk may be allowed home. The solicitor thinks OH will be home after assessment but reading on here not sure he will be until case complete, and even then.
Stay strong follow the plan and just seems to depend on the social worker what happens.
Good luck and I hope you are not sitting 3 years without him in the home.
Once assessment is complete they have advised that depending on risk may be allowed home. The solicitor thinks OH will be home after assessment but reading on here not sure he will be until case complete, and even then.
Stay strong follow the plan and just seems to depend on the social worker what happens.
Good luck and I hope you are not sitting 3 years without him in the home.
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Hi again - we can see reasons for our son's behaviour too, and we hope that once it's all out in the open, both exactly what his charges are and also mitigating factors like his therapist's report etc, then we can expect SS to be more interested in taking all that into account - hopefully anyway. But until then we have learnt that we just have to grin and bear it. I'm really sorry if I sound negative, it's just what we have discovered to be the way it has to work for us. You certainly sound as if you have tons of resilience (and as you say, stubborness!) and won't give up easily so I do hope things workout in your favour.
Hey, it's rubbish isn't it that all of a sudden we are doubted and not trusted to make the decisions we see fit for our children. We had this for a year, I know what it feels like, how horrible it is, I'm sorry you are here now. I believe the others are right though, all you can keep doing is showing that you are a protective parent, that you don't condone the offence, that you child always comes first (everything that is normal to you, that the social workers need showing right in front of them)
Your person can get an independent risk assessment done, if this comes back positive then it holds a lot of leverage. Also, do your own research. My person's solicitor told him that an II offence isn't a contact offense, so in time, with rehabilitation and work completed, there shouldn't be restrictions on contact. Yes, the social services work off their own risk scale, so this probably won't make a difference, still good to know though.
Creating safety plans and carrying out safeguarding courses can also door social services that you can safely make decisions yourself in terms of contact. My daughter was born three months after my person was arrested, so we had social services in our lives and supervised contact until she was 1. Yes, after two years, my person was acquitted, however, before this we were still able to move to unsupervised contact in the year prior to trial. I think it very much depends on the social services in your area, but do have a look at the safety plan I have created if you think it can help. You can find it on Google.
The Knock: Through The Eyes Of A Child Wix
Sorry about the really long reply, a lot of advice came to my mind as your situation seems quite similar to mine was at the start, so I wanted to try and help.
Take care xx
Your person can get an independent risk assessment done, if this comes back positive then it holds a lot of leverage. Also, do your own research. My person's solicitor told him that an II offence isn't a contact offense, so in time, with rehabilitation and work completed, there shouldn't be restrictions on contact. Yes, the social services work off their own risk scale, so this probably won't make a difference, still good to know though.
Creating safety plans and carrying out safeguarding courses can also door social services that you can safely make decisions yourself in terms of contact. My daughter was born three months after my person was arrested, so we had social services in our lives and supervised contact until she was 1. Yes, after two years, my person was acquitted, however, before this we were still able to move to unsupervised contact in the year prior to trial. I think it very much depends on the social services in your area, but do have a look at the safety plan I have created if you think it can help. You can find it on Google.
The Knock: Through The Eyes Of A Child Wix
Sorry about the really long reply, a lot of advice came to my mind as your situation seems quite similar to mine was at the start, so I wanted to try and help.
Take care xx
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I would love to be able to post something positive about SS but can't in my case I'm afraid. It comes down to your authority and the attitude of the SW.
My OH saw a StopSo therapist on a weekly basis for a number of months after his arrest and SS completely dismissed the report at the end of it. They said because my OH paid for the service, they don't consider it an independent report and refused to discuss it at our initial child protection conference last year.
The SW for a reason that I don't know decided not to do a capacity to protect assessment under a CPP and escalated us to PLO.
My complaint is currently with the Ombudsman. The involvement of SS has done more damage then the offence itself.
Hugs to everyone who has SS in their lives xx
My OH saw a StopSo therapist on a weekly basis for a number of months after his arrest and SS completely dismissed the report at the end of it. They said because my OH paid for the service, they don't consider it an independent report and refused to discuss it at our initial child protection conference last year.
The SW for a reason that I don't know decided not to do a capacity to protect assessment under a CPP and escalated us to PLO.
My complaint is currently with the Ombudsman. The involvement of SS has done more damage then the offence itself.
Hugs to everyone who has SS in their lives xx
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I really feel for you with SS.
As others have said they work off risk- he's shown a risk because he's over stepped a line. So you need to be able to say that you hope that he would never harm them (you can't say you know for sure because there is no guarantee). What you need to show is how you are looking at all opportunities and have put lots in place to prevent it so it could never or very unlikely to happen.
Are you and your child educated-pants work, privacy, and rules, consent etc. Do you know the signs and triggers. Do you understand the full picture of risk and what your person has been upto (understand the seriousness of it).
Do you have physical controls in place; internet restrictions, monitoring apps. How do you manage personal care, sleeping arrangements, being around other kids (outings, family gatherings etc).
Do you have a good support network in place- who are your trusted people, who supervises contact, who can your child disclose to if anything happens.
Is your person working on prevention: do they attend support groups or counselling, how do they stick to their restrictions and how do you enforce/strengthen it.
Futureproofing; what happens when your child gets older/conviction is spent/ if press find out/what happens if they reoffend.
Its an absolute minefield.
I wish you luck
As others have said they work off risk- he's shown a risk because he's over stepped a line. So you need to be able to say that you hope that he would never harm them (you can't say you know for sure because there is no guarantee). What you need to show is how you are looking at all opportunities and have put lots in place to prevent it so it could never or very unlikely to happen.
Are you and your child educated-pants work, privacy, and rules, consent etc. Do you know the signs and triggers. Do you understand the full picture of risk and what your person has been upto (understand the seriousness of it).
Do you have physical controls in place; internet restrictions, monitoring apps. How do you manage personal care, sleeping arrangements, being around other kids (outings, family gatherings etc).
Do you have a good support network in place- who are your trusted people, who supervises contact, who can your child disclose to if anything happens.
Is your person working on prevention: do they attend support groups or counselling, how do they stick to their restrictions and how do you enforce/strengthen it.
Futureproofing; what happens when your child gets older/conviction is spent/ if press find out/what happens if they reoffend.
Its an absolute minefield.
I wish you luck
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Hi sunshine
it sounds like you've already considered absolutely everything. The only thing I would think of is a baby monitor in her room so you can watch when you're not physically in there. But you probably already have one of those.
I think it's just the language that might be tripping you up; the wording and phrasing used-sadly I found they don't have any common sense or empathy and only deal with facts. Your wording can be mistaken or twisted "it's so out of character to do this" and "I can't believe he has done this" to them may sound like "I don't believe he's a risk, he wouldn't actually do this" and you're not taking it seriously or don't believe he's done it or could do this as a fact/argument rather than an expression of your shock/recognition that it has happened.
You're expressing shock and what you know about your person: unfortunately it might be worth keeping in mind they dont care about your person only the safety of your child. Your partner is a stranger to them and tarred with the same brush as all offenders. They've seen the worst in people and have to plan for the worst case scenarios. They want to hear that you know how serious it is and because it was so out of character that's why you never spotted it yourself but now you know about their behaviour you will always be extra vigilant despite it not reflecting the person you know.
The phrases you need to use are more like I understand what he's done and this makes him a risk and because of that I can never be 100% certain it won't happen again, but I am fully prepared and knowledgeable as to how this has happened and what I can do to prevent and protect going forward. I believe I can protect my child and allow them to be safe by doing the things in our safety plan but happy to take on board any of your professional recommendations to strengthen it.
Someone explained it to me that you have to think of your partner in a similar way people think about doing something risky even though you realistically think it won't happen. Like leaving dogs with children. I know the scenario is different but it's the principle that a dangerous/worrying behaviour has been spotted so we need to take action rather than just say "it's out of character it won't happen again".
so with a dog; You know your family pet is harmless and would like to think they'd never hurt your child but at the end of the day someone has evidence your dog has shown worrying behaviour. This behaviour and reason may have been identified I.e Another child might have kicked your dog so they growled and showed aggression. You are aware of this behaviour so you need to be wary and vigilant. You know a dog has animal instincts despite being placid and a family member; but are aware something you don't expect (scared of fireworks/child screaming or pulling their eas etc) could bring out that behaviour and they could bite the child. So because of that you never take the risk and never leave the child alone with the dog, teach the child & all adults around them how to behave with the dog. Help so that the dog is not put in those situations. However if it shows those signs again you are ready and willing to have the dog rehomed or put to sleep to protect your family.
My social worker that did my assessment mentioned they'd had a dog so this was the best way I could relay the similarities and why I wanted to allow supervised access because I knew I could make it safe despite the "risk/warnings" my person had shown.
Not comparing all the offenders as dogs -or trying to insult; but I'm an animal person and this is the only frame of reference I have that most people understand.
it sounds like you've already considered absolutely everything. The only thing I would think of is a baby monitor in her room so you can watch when you're not physically in there. But you probably already have one of those.
I think it's just the language that might be tripping you up; the wording and phrasing used-sadly I found they don't have any common sense or empathy and only deal with facts. Your wording can be mistaken or twisted "it's so out of character to do this" and "I can't believe he has done this" to them may sound like "I don't believe he's a risk, he wouldn't actually do this" and you're not taking it seriously or don't believe he's done it or could do this as a fact/argument rather than an expression of your shock/recognition that it has happened.
You're expressing shock and what you know about your person: unfortunately it might be worth keeping in mind they dont care about your person only the safety of your child. Your partner is a stranger to them and tarred with the same brush as all offenders. They've seen the worst in people and have to plan for the worst case scenarios. They want to hear that you know how serious it is and because it was so out of character that's why you never spotted it yourself but now you know about their behaviour you will always be extra vigilant despite it not reflecting the person you know.
The phrases you need to use are more like I understand what he's done and this makes him a risk and because of that I can never be 100% certain it won't happen again, but I am fully prepared and knowledgeable as to how this has happened and what I can do to prevent and protect going forward. I believe I can protect my child and allow them to be safe by doing the things in our safety plan but happy to take on board any of your professional recommendations to strengthen it.
Someone explained it to me that you have to think of your partner in a similar way people think about doing something risky even though you realistically think it won't happen. Like leaving dogs with children. I know the scenario is different but it's the principle that a dangerous/worrying behaviour has been spotted so we need to take action rather than just say "it's out of character it won't happen again".
so with a dog; You know your family pet is harmless and would like to think they'd never hurt your child but at the end of the day someone has evidence your dog has shown worrying behaviour. This behaviour and reason may have been identified I.e Another child might have kicked your dog so they growled and showed aggression. You are aware of this behaviour so you need to be wary and vigilant. You know a dog has animal instincts despite being placid and a family member; but are aware something you don't expect (scared of fireworks/child screaming or pulling their eas etc) could bring out that behaviour and they could bite the child. So because of that you never take the risk and never leave the child alone with the dog, teach the child & all adults around them how to behave with the dog. Help so that the dog is not put in those situations. However if it shows those signs again you are ready and willing to have the dog rehomed or put to sleep to protect your family.
My social worker that did my assessment mentioned they'd had a dog so this was the best way I could relay the similarities and why I wanted to allow supervised access because I knew I could make it safe despite the "risk/warnings" my person had shown.
Not comparing all the offenders as dogs -or trying to insult; but I'm an animal person and this is the only frame of reference I have that most people understand.
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