First Anniversary
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Well today is the first anniversary of the day my life changed forever. The 'knock' at 6.30 in the morning, the arrest, them taking him away, grey faced and terrified, and me left wondering what the hell had just happened, the 6 policemen searching the house/cars - I was lucky - they were fairly respectful and didn't make a mess. Them carrying item after item out of my house - 17 in total. And a plain clothes officer sitting me down and asking me loads of questions about our kids/grandkids.
Then they were gone and I was left alone in a complete state of shock with a couple of pamphlets and a list of the devices they had taken. A neighbour knocked the door to see if I needed anything - I said no. I just wanted to hide. I text my boss and said I wouldn't be in. I said I wasn't well.
A few hours later they dropped him home. I didn't know what to say to him. I had so many questions. This man I had loved for more than 20 years. Surely he couldn't have done what they said he had done, But he had. He was as broken as me. I made a cup of tea - everything is better after a nice cup of tea. Except it wasn't.
He told me what had happened - how he had been having online communications with adults. How the police said one was 13. He had sent her a photo of his face so there was no mistake. He promised there was nothing else - he was certain of it.
Why did he feel the need to communicate with anyone like that when he has me - am I not enough? Did he not really love me? I had thought we had a brilliant marriage. I was looking forward to the rest of our lives together - a team. All gone in the blink of an eye.
We had had a fabulous year - lovely holidays - big birthday for him with a party, no money worries. Was all that just pretend? All the time I was planning lovely things he was doing that behind my back. The betrayal was almost more than I could take.
5 days after the arrest he tried to take his own life.
I got home from a pre-planned day out with our grandson that he could no longer come on due to bail conditions. Front door was locked. House was empty. I knew. I found the note - well more of a letter - well thought out, listing passwords, bank accounts and with messages for our children and for me. Meltdown.
The only thing I could do was call the police, they took ages to arrive. I called my daughter - she's never seen me ugly-cry - I'm still ashamed that she saw me like that.
He had left a cryptic message within the note so that I would know where he had gone and I directed the police to the area - I wanted to go myself - could have got there quicker - but I suppose they made me stay put in case he had succeeded.
They left a young policeman in the house with me. He had a message on his radio which I couldn't hear but he looked at me.
I remember asking 'is he alive?'. I remember he didn't answer, just looked at me. I asked again. The fear was real and I would never wish that on anyone.
It seemed like a lifetime of silence before he confirmed that police had found him and were taking him to the hospital. One thing that has stuck in my mind was he said 'oh he wasn't where you said he would be'. He was only a few hundred meters from there so why did I feel like I'd given them incorrect information, he had feet and had used them.
I got him home. I'm glad I got him home. We are supporting each other.
There have been a few more things, found on his phone. Nothing 'major' but still awful and terrible. We are coming to terms with his mental health struggles. He is learning to discuss his feelings. I am learning to listen.
Soon we will be finishing this part of our journey and embarking on the post sentencing side of things. The plea is next week. I feel sick at the thought of it.
At least now, when I look back, I will no longer think how happy we were 'this time last year'. This time last year we were in a far worse place than we are now.
For those of you facing first, second or even third anniversaries of the knock - for those who stayed - for those who left - for those with children who are struggling with SS - I hope your journey comes to an end soon. I thank you all for sharing your stories, your worries, your problems. You have helped this person more than you will ever know. I'm still 'lost in the woods' but there is a light through the trees and we are walking towards it together.
xxx
Then they were gone and I was left alone in a complete state of shock with a couple of pamphlets and a list of the devices they had taken. A neighbour knocked the door to see if I needed anything - I said no. I just wanted to hide. I text my boss and said I wouldn't be in. I said I wasn't well.
A few hours later they dropped him home. I didn't know what to say to him. I had so many questions. This man I had loved for more than 20 years. Surely he couldn't have done what they said he had done, But he had. He was as broken as me. I made a cup of tea - everything is better after a nice cup of tea. Except it wasn't.
He told me what had happened - how he had been having online communications with adults. How the police said one was 13. He had sent her a photo of his face so there was no mistake. He promised there was nothing else - he was certain of it.
Why did he feel the need to communicate with anyone like that when he has me - am I not enough? Did he not really love me? I had thought we had a brilliant marriage. I was looking forward to the rest of our lives together - a team. All gone in the blink of an eye.
We had had a fabulous year - lovely holidays - big birthday for him with a party, no money worries. Was all that just pretend? All the time I was planning lovely things he was doing that behind my back. The betrayal was almost more than I could take.
5 days after the arrest he tried to take his own life.
I got home from a pre-planned day out with our grandson that he could no longer come on due to bail conditions. Front door was locked. House was empty. I knew. I found the note - well more of a letter - well thought out, listing passwords, bank accounts and with messages for our children and for me. Meltdown.
The only thing I could do was call the police, they took ages to arrive. I called my daughter - she's never seen me ugly-cry - I'm still ashamed that she saw me like that.
He had left a cryptic message within the note so that I would know where he had gone and I directed the police to the area - I wanted to go myself - could have got there quicker - but I suppose they made me stay put in case he had succeeded.
They left a young policeman in the house with me. He had a message on his radio which I couldn't hear but he looked at me.
I remember asking 'is he alive?'. I remember he didn't answer, just looked at me. I asked again. The fear was real and I would never wish that on anyone.
It seemed like a lifetime of silence before he confirmed that police had found him and were taking him to the hospital. One thing that has stuck in my mind was he said 'oh he wasn't where you said he would be'. He was only a few hundred meters from there so why did I feel like I'd given them incorrect information, he had feet and had used them.
I got him home. I'm glad I got him home. We are supporting each other.
There have been a few more things, found on his phone. Nothing 'major' but still awful and terrible. We are coming to terms with his mental health struggles. He is learning to discuss his feelings. I am learning to listen.
Soon we will be finishing this part of our journey and embarking on the post sentencing side of things. The plea is next week. I feel sick at the thought of it.
At least now, when I look back, I will no longer think how happy we were 'this time last year'. This time last year we were in a far worse place than we are now.
For those of you facing first, second or even third anniversaries of the knock - for those who stayed - for those who left - for those with children who are struggling with SS - I hope your journey comes to an end soon. I thank you all for sharing your stories, your worries, your problems. You have helped this person more than you will ever know. I'm still 'lost in the woods' but there is a light through the trees and we are walking towards it together.
xxx
It's mad how you remember ever single detail of thay day. I'll never forget it. How the police women after searching my house said "oh you've got lots of lovely skincare things" as if that was even the time to start discussing my possessions!
I always think im so sad how that is now a part of 'my story'. Well in general, now I can add court to the list too. Some people never enter a court in their lifetime.
But as I keep remembering, life goes on doesn't it. Whilst noone knows this secret you are keeping everyone around you just keeps living and we have to aswell. Life will get better for us, im sure of it!
But totally understand how you're feeling on the anniversary, do something for you to take your mind off things x
I always think im so sad how that is now a part of 'my story'. Well in general, now I can add court to the list too. Some people never enter a court in their lifetime.
But as I keep remembering, life goes on doesn't it. Whilst noone knows this secret you are keeping everyone around you just keeps living and we have to aswell. Life will get better for us, im sure of it!
But totally understand how you're feeling on the anniversary, do something for you to take your mind off things x
Dear Lost,
I just had to reply. This is the most powerful and well written post or piece I've read over the past 10 months of this (what is becoming my specialist subject).
I cried when I read it, for so many reasons- for you and your husband, for me and mine, for the amazing friends I have made on this journey, women who give me courage and clarity, women who like you are brave enough to share their story, and for all the women and men on here, and their sons too.
Thank you for sharing. You have a gift for writing.
I will be thinking about you next week. X
I just had to reply. This is the most powerful and well written post or piece I've read over the past 10 months of this (what is becoming my specialist subject).
I cried when I read it, for so many reasons- for you and your husband, for me and mine, for the amazing friends I have made on this journey, women who give me courage and clarity, women who like you are brave enough to share their story, and for all the women and men on here, and their sons too.
Thank you for sharing. You have a gift for writing.
I will be thinking about you next week. X
I just wanted to reply to send you a virtual hug and some strength. I am sorry for everything you have gone through and are continuing to go through - I am sure everyone in this forum can relate to the pain in some way. Wether we decide to leave or stay - there really is no easy option. Your husband is very lucky to have someone as strong and compassionate as you choosing to stand by his side, even on the hardest days.
Unfortunately I think everyone on here's lives are split between the 'before the knock' and 'after the knock days'. I often wish I could go back to the blissfully ignorant days before the knock but I suppose it wasn't the reality I thought it was anyway. I think the day of the knock was one of the most traumatic days of my life - even thinking about it makes my stomach flip. I am glad to hear that a year on, things don't feel quite as hopeless as they did then. I hope more peaceful days find you soon x
Unfortunately I think everyone on here's lives are split between the 'before the knock' and 'after the knock days'. I often wish I could go back to the blissfully ignorant days before the knock but I suppose it wasn't the reality I thought it was anyway. I think the day of the knock was one of the most traumatic days of my life - even thinking about it makes my stomach flip. I am glad to hear that a year on, things don't feel quite as hopeless as they did then. I hope more peaceful days find you soon x
lostinthewoods, I couldn't just read your beautifully written post and not respond. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sure it will be a great help to others. I'll be thinking of you next week and wishing you both the best possible outcome. Take care.