Sexual chat about children?
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i don’t know if anyone can help me but I can’t find any information about this topic? I’ve read on this website that this is an actual offence which my husband hadn’t realised although knew it was wrong but when I try and find details about the law and charges, convictions etc I can’t find anything? Im trying to prepare myself, will he be charged? What’s the punishment? If he isn’t will ss still want to be involved?
Thanks in advance
jb x
Thanks in advance
jb x
Thankyou so much for your reply, it’s so hard isn’t it? And it’s all the ‘unknown’, the waiting and researching and speculating is horrendous especially when ss are involved and putting their restrictions in place, I’m constantly trying to reassure myself and continue to live as normal as possible but there always seems to be another knock round the corner to floor you :(
Dear JB72, thanks for your post. I thought it might be helpful to provide some information about the criminal offences related to 'sexual chat about children'. Equally, I hope I don't add to your uncertainty and worries, which is not my intention.
If 2 or more adults are talking about engaging in a sexual act with a child or children, then they might be charged with inciting another adult to engage in the sexual abuse of a child. The prosecution would need to show that the chat related to a real child, rather than being a totally made-up fantasy. It is also possible to be charged with inciting children (under 16) to engage in sexual activity.
There's a relatively new law too about 'sexual communication' with a child (under 16). Of course parents / carers should talk to children about sex but if this is done with the intention of eliciting a 'sexual communication' from the child, or for the adult's sexual pleasure, this is a criminal offence.
And, finally, there is the offence of grooming, which is about arranging to meet, or facilitating a meeting, with a child under 16 in order to sexually abuse them.
So there are quite a few offences that relate to chatting about, or to, children about sex, and it can be very difficult to know what someone may or may not be charged with - not, I must stress, that we are legal experts; this is simply our experience. The challenge is living with all these uncertainties and unknowns, until things become a bit clearer. Best wishes, Lucy
If 2 or more adults are talking about engaging in a sexual act with a child or children, then they might be charged with inciting another adult to engage in the sexual abuse of a child. The prosecution would need to show that the chat related to a real child, rather than being a totally made-up fantasy. It is also possible to be charged with inciting children (under 16) to engage in sexual activity.
There's a relatively new law too about 'sexual communication' with a child (under 16). Of course parents / carers should talk to children about sex but if this is done with the intention of eliciting a 'sexual communication' from the child, or for the adult's sexual pleasure, this is a criminal offence.
And, finally, there is the offence of grooming, which is about arranging to meet, or facilitating a meeting, with a child under 16 in order to sexually abuse them.
So there are quite a few offences that relate to chatting about, or to, children about sex, and it can be very difficult to know what someone may or may not be charged with - not, I must stress, that we are legal experts; this is simply our experience. The challenge is living with all these uncertainties and unknowns, until things become a bit clearer. Best wishes, Lucy
Thanks Lucy,
can I ask where you found this? Not sure if it’s a good thing but I feel I need to research as much as possible, is it a custodial charge? Will it definitely go to court? Will there be a trial if he pleads not guilty? He admits to the chats but believed it to be fantasy so his solicitor said he has nothing to worry about? But how can that be if talking about it is an actual offence?
thanks again JB
can I ask where you found this? Not sure if it’s a good thing but I feel I need to research as much as possible, is it a custodial charge? Will it definitely go to court? Will there be a trial if he pleads not guilty? He admits to the chats but believed it to be fantasy so his solicitor said he has nothing to worry about? But how can that be if talking about it is an actual offence?
thanks again JB
I found reading the cps website on sexual offences against children. It advices what the sentencing guidelines are for each offence (well it tells you the max sentence so dont be overly alarmed reading it, i got in a bit of a panic at first).
Yes! Thanks, I’ve tried this but still can’t find what I’m looking for, I suppose it’s a bit of a grey area as it doesn’t involve image download but still involves children, I’m being very black and white I suppose, I just want to know what I’m up against :(
Dear JB72, my post was based upon our knowledge and experience here at Stop it Now! - so it was a general (and brief) summary, with the caveat that we are not legal experts.
If at all possible, I would caution you against researching this area too closely. Some information is obviously helpful, but the search for clarity and certainty is often a fruitless one, especially before the police investigation is complete. Spending lots of time looking up information can perpetuate anxiety about the future - it can be a bit of a bottomless pit.
All of which is easy for us to say, I know. The challenge is to find a way of living with the uncertainty and grey areas, and focusing on what is within your control. With time, things will become clearer, not least as the police investigation and court process, if there is one, run their course. Best wishes, Lucy
If at all possible, I would caution you against researching this area too closely. Some information is obviously helpful, but the search for clarity and certainty is often a fruitless one, especially before the police investigation is complete. Spending lots of time looking up information can perpetuate anxiety about the future - it can be a bit of a bottomless pit.
All of which is easy for us to say, I know. The challenge is to find a way of living with the uncertainty and grey areas, and focusing on what is within your control. With time, things will become clearer, not least as the police investigation and court process, if there is one, run their course. Best wishes, Lucy
This is my first post but had to reply as I'm in a similar situation. My husband is being investigated following a sexually explicit conversation with another adult regarding an older child. I don't want to go into specifics, but we know the child is fictional and the police have suggested they could charge him for trying to solicate sex from a minor. It turned out he has been having sexual conversations with people on forums for many years but this was the first time it mentioned a child. He was trolling as well as a form of stress relief/coping/power over people as he describes it, he says this conversation was him winding the other person up. He has never met anyone or arrnaged to meet anyone.
When he was questioned the solicitor said the same thing that if there are no images then they won't have anything to charge him with. He is certain there are no images or videos for them to find. We have social services involved as we have young children, which is really stressful. I've said I will support him, but not sure what the long term holds for our relationship. So now we're just waiting for the outcome of the investigation and wondering if they will charge him.
I've feel hurt knowing how long he has been cheating on me online and a sense of grief for the life I thought we had and will have. The knock was just awful as I was here on my own with the kids, it was devastating.
It's hard to know what to expect going forwards as even on this forum a lot of the cases involve images. Also I don't know whether to trust what he's said about there being nothing else, so I won't know for certain until all the devices have been checked.
Anyway I'm not sure if any of that was helpful but felt compelled to post. Sometimes I find it helps to know I'm not the only one who is going through this. I do worry this is going to taint everything in the future and dread the thought of it going to court, it becoming public really scares me.
When he was questioned the solicitor said the same thing that if there are no images then they won't have anything to charge him with. He is certain there are no images or videos for them to find. We have social services involved as we have young children, which is really stressful. I've said I will support him, but not sure what the long term holds for our relationship. So now we're just waiting for the outcome of the investigation and wondering if they will charge him.
I've feel hurt knowing how long he has been cheating on me online and a sense of grief for the life I thought we had and will have. The knock was just awful as I was here on my own with the kids, it was devastating.
It's hard to know what to expect going forwards as even on this forum a lot of the cases involve images. Also I don't know whether to trust what he's said about there being nothing else, so I won't know for certain until all the devices have been checked.
Anyway I'm not sure if any of that was helpful but felt compelled to post. Sometimes I find it helps to know I'm not the only one who is going through this. I do worry this is going to taint everything in the future and dread the thought of it going to court, it becoming public really scares me.
Mya, thank you for posting.
My Husband is being investigated over a conversation on the KIK app inciting someone to abuse a child. I feel sick even typing it. He says it wasn't about a real child, just fantasy but then admitted when I asked him, that pictures were sent to the group (there was more than 2 in it by the sounds of it) but he didn't save them or send them to anyone. Would those pictures still be on his phone somewhere for the police to find?
My Husband is being investigated over a conversation on the KIK app inciting someone to abuse a child. I feel sick even typing it. He says it wasn't about a real child, just fantasy but then admitted when I asked him, that pictures were sent to the group (there was more than 2 in it by the sounds of it) but he didn't save them or send them to anyone. Would those pictures still be on his phone somewhere for the police to find?
Thanks so much for your replies! Both your stories sound so similar to mine, it’s so hard not knowing, I had to sit through a child in need meeting today and as I’d not received the paperwork before hand my sw read it out to me over the phone, she warned me it would be brutal to hear and although I was expecting it I wasn’t prepared for such detail, I don’t know what was going through his head at the time he typed those messages, but he still maintains they won’t find evidence of images or meetings even though they were spoken about, I can’t find details of charges where it was just conversations, he’s adamant it was just fantasy, I’m going through such mixed feelings at the moment, sharing experiences with people who are going through this too on this forum really is a god send even though it’s so sad that so many are x
Hi all. Similar situation. House searched as result of online fantasy chat that involved stories of underage children. No images found and he says they won't find anything like that and I believe him. Solicitor has mentioned possible obscene publications prosecution?! Seems crazy private chat can be a publication but apparently so. Would be very useful to hear where you guys are with your cases!!
Hi All,
I didn’t see this thread when I was first looking for information from this space. Husband is being investigated for a sexual chat with another adult about a minor including this other adult arranging to meet said minor. Mine went along with the chat and said he would attend etc but never did and similar to some other posts on here he was in a fantasy place and deleted the chat etc when it all got real.
The other person sent him images which made him realise that this wasn’t just a conversation for the other guy and made him realise he was in the wrong.
Fast forward 3 months- all devices bar one now searched and completely clear, waiting for the case to pass to CPS still as police have advised due to link to this other person who has already been sentenced(much bigger and a lot more darker stuff than husband is dealin with).
At interview police called me to collect husband and said “ we aren’t dealing with anything near as bad as we thought we were when we arrested him” and his Investigating Officer has been lovely and reassuring that custodial sentences wouldn’t really be on the table for husband.
Caught up with solicitor last week to give her update and she was in disbelief that nothing extra has been found on devices as she said usually there is always something more than initial arrest and first thing that came out of her mouth was “this might not even go anywhere” before cautioning that it could go somewhere with charges too but depends if CPS have enough to bother with a charge or better to just caution and SOR for 2 years.
So I do think it depends case by case and where you are and who your dealing with to what you get told!
I didn’t see this thread when I was first looking for information from this space. Husband is being investigated for a sexual chat with another adult about a minor including this other adult arranging to meet said minor. Mine went along with the chat and said he would attend etc but never did and similar to some other posts on here he was in a fantasy place and deleted the chat etc when it all got real.
The other person sent him images which made him realise that this wasn’t just a conversation for the other guy and made him realise he was in the wrong.
Fast forward 3 months- all devices bar one now searched and completely clear, waiting for the case to pass to CPS still as police have advised due to link to this other person who has already been sentenced(much bigger and a lot more darker stuff than husband is dealin with).
At interview police called me to collect husband and said “ we aren’t dealing with anything near as bad as we thought we were when we arrested him” and his Investigating Officer has been lovely and reassuring that custodial sentences wouldn’t really be on the table for husband.
Caught up with solicitor last week to give her update and she was in disbelief that nothing extra has been found on devices as she said usually there is always something more than initial arrest and first thing that came out of her mouth was “this might not even go anywhere” before cautioning that it could go somewhere with charges too but depends if CPS have enough to bother with a charge or better to just caution and SOR for 2 years.
So I do think it depends case by case and where you are and who your dealing with to what you get told!
It's just such a confusing whirlwind. I know all humans have dark little fictional fantasies in their heads when it comes to sex that they would never play out in reality. Problem with the internet is it allows people to share them and then the lines get blurred as to what is just harmless disconnected fantasy and what is something that the person is at risk of carrying out for real.
I don't think people have really got any more or less 'perverted' since the advent of the internet. It's just that the internet allows people (usually men) to explore dark fantasy, though probably fictional, more than they otherwise would have done. It's the temptation of the taboo and forbidden that we have in all of us, I guess. Some just get pulled in.
My partner says he never felt anything was real and whenever he did he suspect the other person of indulging in more than just fake fantasy, he always reported the person on the other end. I think I believe him. Solicitor thinks he may have been reported himself in retaliation for this. But we don't know until we get some update from police or solicitors. Going on 7 weeks since the knock and don't know whether to chase police or whether to just wait. It's so hard.
I don't think people have really got any more or less 'perverted' since the advent of the internet. It's just that the internet allows people (usually men) to explore dark fantasy, though probably fictional, more than they otherwise would have done. It's the temptation of the taboo and forbidden that we have in all of us, I guess. Some just get pulled in.
My partner says he never felt anything was real and whenever he did he suspect the other person of indulging in more than just fake fantasy, he always reported the person on the other end. I think I believe him. Solicitor thinks he may have been reported himself in retaliation for this. But we don't know until we get some update from police or solicitors. Going on 7 weeks since the knock and don't know whether to chase police or whether to just wait. It's so hard.
Hi Christine
were coming up to 6 months post knock and still no further! Devices still haven’t been looked at! No update from the police despite the social workers asking them, I’ve not heard of the charge your solicitor mentions, what was the original charge for your partner?
were coming up to 6 months post knock and still no further! Devices still haven’t been looked at! No update from the police despite the social workers asking them, I’ve not heard of the charge your solicitor mentions, what was the original charge for your partner?
Hi JB72
There has been no charge or arrest. Just a search and removal of devices. They said they were searching because of an online chat. No idea if he was reported or whether police were monitoring or what. All v confusing.
But nothing from police. Approaching 2 months now, no interview or arrest or anything.
:(
There has been no charge or arrest. Just a search and removal of devices. They said they were searching because of an online chat. No idea if he was reported or whether police were monitoring or what. All v confusing.
But nothing from police. Approaching 2 months now, no interview or arrest or anything.
:(
Christine I completely agree with you about the computer/internet is almost an extension of the mind. It feels like a safe, comfortable place where the real ‘you’ isn’t revealed. I also agree that every single person will have a side to them that they wouldn’t want to display in public. This includes online trolls who wouldn’t dream of verbally abusing a person face to face yet will say all sorts online. The internet has unleashed a side to humanity that was well hidden for years, there’s no more or no less paedophiles than there ever has been. The opportunity along with the expose of peoples (usually Male) conscious combined with the hysteria around has made this a phenomenon.
Trying to keep It together your case sounds exactly the same as my sons case . We’re due to hear back from cps this week as if there is a case to charge him . We’ve had the most horrible time it’s aince came to light he was abused at 16 by a family friend . He is in counselling for that at the moment . It’s a situation we never thought we would be in x
Kind of the same but looking for help and guidence really. Im so lost
My 20 year old son met what he thought was an 18 year old on a dating site a year ago. They chatted for a while then arranged to meet up. He met her outside of her house and she took him to a park and climbed on top of him and started to have sex he felt uncomfortable and stopped this as he heard people approaching them. She told him to run. Then 2 days later she messaged him informing him that she was in fact 15. He told her that there has to be distance from her. He was questioned by police and they took his phone. I am so scared for him especially as he has told me today that he has had chats with girls this year he said could be under 16. He feels guilt and shame for this but he said that the chat started as normal chat then it went to sexual chat he said that he has never chatted to under age girls before which I believe. having discovered this I am so scared that he will be put on a sex offenders list or prison. He is a stupid niave young man and I am petrified for him.
My 20 year old son met what he thought was an 18 year old on a dating site a year ago. They chatted for a while then arranged to meet up. He met her outside of her house and she took him to a park and climbed on top of him and started to have sex he felt uncomfortable and stopped this as he heard people approaching them. She told him to run. Then 2 days later she messaged him informing him that she was in fact 15. He told her that there has to be distance from her. He was questioned by police and they took his phone. I am so scared for him especially as he has told me today that he has had chats with girls this year he said could be under 16. He feels guilt and shame for this but he said that the chat started as normal chat then it went to sexual chat he said that he has never chatted to under age girls before which I believe. having discovered this I am so scared that he will be put on a sex offenders list or prison. He is a stupid niave young man and I am petrified for him.
This sounds the same to my story my husband was online talking to a decoy and one thing lead to another don't really have details,, the police said they arranged a meeting of the child,,, but now know where was no child my husband said he would never of gone to meet him he's at crown the 23rd nove,, I think he going down for this,, he said there is no pic of child and has not spoke to a child and the police have backed this up just wounding if he going to get a heavy sentence we have two children and trying to think how to break to 4 and 13 yrs old,,,
Any advice well xxx
Any advice well xxx
Hi Vickie,
My Husband was charged with the obscene publication act in the end, as ridiculously, not all conversations of this nature are illegal! He had a 16 week suspended sentence in the end then 6 weeks later, the police threw a SHPO at him as the obscene publication act doesn't come with any sex offence punishment. Apparently, it's a very rare charge and every solicitor we spoke to had never heard of it being used for this type of offence
My Husband was charged with the obscene publication act in the end, as ridiculously, not all conversations of this nature are illegal! He had a 16 week suspended sentence in the end then 6 weeks later, the police threw a SHPO at him as the obscene publication act doesn't come with any sex offence punishment. Apparently, it's a very rare charge and every solicitor we spoke to had never heard of it being used for this type of offence
Well feeling a bit lighter heart as got a call from his solicitor his charge is independent messages between him and the police decoy,, his solicitor is trying to get him bail but he has nowhere to go,,
The solicitor has also said he don't think that my husband should be in prison now or in the future,, he said now he got to see probation on the 4 Jan for there assessment then back to court for senctening on the 4 of Feb,,
I don't know whether to phone the sw and see if he can return here for over Xmas cause it would make her Xmas,, I have starts a child protect report and risk management assessment and how I would deal with the risk of him being here with us or am I getting my hopes up to be knocked down,,
Any advice welcomed
The solicitor has also said he don't think that my husband should be in prison now or in the future,, he said now he got to see probation on the 4 Jan for there assessment then back to court for senctening on the 4 of Feb,,
I don't know whether to phone the sw and see if he can return here for over Xmas cause it would make her Xmas,, I have starts a child protect report and risk management assessment and how I would deal with the risk of him being here with us or am I getting my hopes up to be knocked down,,
Any advice welcomed
I know this thread is old but I am so glad I found it!
OH was arrested 3 days ago for activity with a child, turned out it was a chat with another user on kik regarding fictional children he said he had.
nothing else has been found, so far, no images or videos. He has told me he did see photos in chats but he never opened/downloaded or saved and at this point I have no reason not to believe him.
I would be very interested in finding out the outcomes of all your situations, I know no two are the same but I am a information person, I need to know to be able to prepare.
OH was arrested 3 days ago for activity with a child, turned out it was a chat with another user on kik regarding fictional children he said he had.
nothing else has been found, so far, no images or videos. He has told me he did see photos in chats but he never opened/downloaded or saved and at this point I have no reason not to believe him.
I would be very interested in finding out the outcomes of all your situations, I know no two are the same but I am a information person, I need to know to be able to prepare.
Hi stunned,
My husband was charged with the obscene publication act - publishing an obscene article for an online chat with another adult. He got a suspended sentence, £90 fine and then 6 weeks later he was slapped with a SHPO for 8 years!
Here if you want to talk or have any questions.
X
My husband was charged with the obscene publication act - publishing an obscene article for an online chat with another adult. He got a suspended sentence, £90 fine and then 6 weeks later he was slapped with a SHPO for 8 years!
Here if you want to talk or have any questions.
X
I thought SHPOs were given at the same time as sentencing? Can the police really give one after!?
Yes they can and they do! It's not unheard of in the Devon & Cornwall area according to our solicitor.
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Hi there, Heidi. I have been in exactly the same position as you. Partner chatting with a police decoy about my child. He was sentenced to just under a year for obscene publications. Look up "regressive, situational sex offenders" - they have a good prognosis for rehabilitation. He hasn't seen my child for over a year, now, and won't for some time yet, I believe - may not even be before the year is out. Mind you, the SW has been awful - they make a bad situation even worse with how they deviously operate.
Hi Heidi,
chances are they are pushing you for a decision about their future because if you say you aren't supporting him and your relationship is over they often don't stay involved. Don't feel under pressure to make any decisions. Take one day at a time. If you had asked me in the early days if I was supporting my husband then the answer would have been absolutely not - but he's now living back at home (he has a SHPO) and SS are no longer involved. I guess it will all very much depend on whether he is convicted/ what are the conditions of his SHPO if he gets one as to whether he can return home long term. I'm afraid it's a waiting game. Until you'll know what you are facing its difficult to know how the future might look.
take care xx
chances are they are pushing you for a decision about their future because if you say you aren't supporting him and your relationship is over they often don't stay involved. Don't feel under pressure to make any decisions. Take one day at a time. If you had asked me in the early days if I was supporting my husband then the answer would have been absolutely not - but he's now living back at home (he has a SHPO) and SS are no longer involved. I guess it will all very much depend on whether he is convicted/ what are the conditions of his SHPO if he gets one as to whether he can return home long term. I'm afraid it's a waiting game. Until you'll know what you are facing its difficult to know how the future might look.
take care xx
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Can anyone help?
11 weeks ago we had a very early morning knock by several police officers. They poured in and just took over. Arrested my husband and took him in for questioning. More intelligence officers came in with all their kit to search through devices whilst the others searched each and everything in our home.
Needless to say, I was in shock and completely devastated. I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet to have been married to my soulmate but little did I know. My husband was always extremely loving. I was, according to him, the love of his life, his soulmate, so where did all this come from?
The officer who sat with me was really kind. She told me one conversation he had had 6 months previously with a minor had lead to this arrest. She didn't know any other details.
The police did not find not find anything on any of our or his devices. They took his phone only. He was later released that day. He admitted he'd been speaking onlin to random people (adults) for several years. Had even met adult strangers for sex but could not recall speaking to a minor. He believed it was an adult pretending to be a minor and he just went along with it. Lame excuse I know but there are a lot of strange people out there.
When I pushed for more information he said he doesnt have a a thing for children and just got carried away with fantasy chat. He is depressed and talked of ending his life in the days after his arrest. He says he doesn't have a thing for children so would not have made it a regular preference to chat to anyone underage or pretending to be. He also says with everything that happened, he can't remember if there are more chats of similar nature. He is adamant no images were requested or exchanged.
I don't know how much of what he is saying is true. He's lied for several years and I had absolutely no idea so this could also be a lie. I hoping it's not. I'm desperately praying it's not.
The police have said if there is no more information than what he was arrested for then it may be dropped but the searches for all chat history normally takes 4/5 months to come through. It's a living hell for me and I don't know where to turn.
I don't know what to do. Can anyone offer advice?
Thanks
11 weeks ago we had a very early morning knock by several police officers. They poured in and just took over. Arrested my husband and took him in for questioning. More intelligence officers came in with all their kit to search through devices whilst the others searched each and everything in our home.
Needless to say, I was in shock and completely devastated. I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet to have been married to my soulmate but little did I know. My husband was always extremely loving. I was, according to him, the love of his life, his soulmate, so where did all this come from?
The officer who sat with me was really kind. She told me one conversation he had had 6 months previously with a minor had lead to this arrest. She didn't know any other details.
The police did not find not find anything on any of our or his devices. They took his phone only. He was later released that day. He admitted he'd been speaking onlin to random people (adults) for several years. Had even met adult strangers for sex but could not recall speaking to a minor. He believed it was an adult pretending to be a minor and he just went along with it. Lame excuse I know but there are a lot of strange people out there.
When I pushed for more information he said he doesnt have a a thing for children and just got carried away with fantasy chat. He is depressed and talked of ending his life in the days after his arrest. He says he doesn't have a thing for children so would not have made it a regular preference to chat to anyone underage or pretending to be. He also says with everything that happened, he can't remember if there are more chats of similar nature. He is adamant no images were requested or exchanged.
I don't know how much of what he is saying is true. He's lied for several years and I had absolutely no idea so this could also be a lie. I hoping it's not. I'm desperately praying it's not.
The police have said if there is no more information than what he was arrested for then it may be dropped but the searches for all chat history normally takes 4/5 months to come through. It's a living hell for me and I don't know where to turn.
I don't know what to do. Can anyone offer advice?
Thanks
Hey Rig,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It must be very difficult. Not only are you dealing with the trauma of the arrest/shock but also the grief of infidelity. What I will say is this is a very difficult journey and your emotions will vary all the time. Sometimes it's easy to deal with and you get your head around it and other times you want to crawl into the abyss. You may decide you want to stay or that you want to leave - either decision is completely valid. It does make it more difficult in the early stage as your partner will obviously be besides himself and you tend to focus on them but you must take time for yourself and look after you. You're innocent in this.
In regards to the future - if your partner admits the chat was him and the Police can tie him to the chat then it is highly likely charges will be brought - I totally understand some men genuinely believe it was someone messing about but unfortunately this isn't a defence unless it can be clearly seen in the messages. What the sentencing would be is a mixed bag, dependant on the mitigating factors, charges and judge. This however, is a long time away. It normally takes anywhere between 6-18 months average for devices to be checked which will need to happen before evidence is submitted to the CPS and then the CPS can take weeks/months to decide and post charges. After that it's around 6 weeks for magistrates and then depending on plea can take a few more weeks or months - not guilty pleas will result in jury trial so the wait is longer. Hope this helps in terms of process but also so you are aware there is a wait and this is a double edged sword as it gives you time to process but also sometimes feels like you're in limbo awaiting conclusion. Come here for any support or questions and ring the helpline too. We're all here for you and in this together xx
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It must be very difficult. Not only are you dealing with the trauma of the arrest/shock but also the grief of infidelity. What I will say is this is a very difficult journey and your emotions will vary all the time. Sometimes it's easy to deal with and you get your head around it and other times you want to crawl into the abyss. You may decide you want to stay or that you want to leave - either decision is completely valid. It does make it more difficult in the early stage as your partner will obviously be besides himself and you tend to focus on them but you must take time for yourself and look after you. You're innocent in this.
In regards to the future - if your partner admits the chat was him and the Police can tie him to the chat then it is highly likely charges will be brought - I totally understand some men genuinely believe it was someone messing about but unfortunately this isn't a defence unless it can be clearly seen in the messages. What the sentencing would be is a mixed bag, dependant on the mitigating factors, charges and judge. This however, is a long time away. It normally takes anywhere between 6-18 months average for devices to be checked which will need to happen before evidence is submitted to the CPS and then the CPS can take weeks/months to decide and post charges. After that it's around 6 weeks for magistrates and then depending on plea can take a few more weeks or months - not guilty pleas will result in jury trial so the wait is longer. Hope this helps in terms of process but also so you are aware there is a wait and this is a double edged sword as it gives you time to process but also sometimes feels like you're in limbo awaiting conclusion. Come here for any support or questions and ring the helpline too. We're all here for you and in this together xx
bump
Has anyone ever had cps not take a decision to charge after evidence sent to them. I've read the stats are that they make a decision to charge on every 4 out of 5 cases.
Thanks
Thanks
Hey Forumread,
That is a good question as I have seen a few NFA's on here but I'm not sure if NFA comes before the evidence is sent to the CPS or if it is the decision of the Police to issue an NFA or possibly either.
We don't get to see many who go not guilty either, I believe at the moment there are only 3 of us on a "not guilty" journey so I guess with time we will get to see more outcomes and more journeys like this.
I have also done much research outside of this forum to try and find statistics, probably to help comfort myself but it's very hard to find as well as knowing each case has so many variables it is impossible to compare one to the other.
I will be doing some comprehensive research into all of these types of offenses and requesting freedom of information to do this but at the moment I am trying to keep it all together for the upcoming trial and keep myself busy with a Masters degree I enrolled on to which is my saviour to keep from going insane.
That is a good question as I have seen a few NFA's on here but I'm not sure if NFA comes before the evidence is sent to the CPS or if it is the decision of the Police to issue an NFA or possibly either.
We don't get to see many who go not guilty either, I believe at the moment there are only 3 of us on a "not guilty" journey so I guess with time we will get to see more outcomes and more journeys like this.
I have also done much research outside of this forum to try and find statistics, probably to help comfort myself but it's very hard to find as well as knowing each case has so many variables it is impossible to compare one to the other.
I will be doing some comprehensive research into all of these types of offenses and requesting freedom of information to do this but at the moment I am trying to keep it all together for the upcoming trial and keep myself busy with a Masters degree I enrolled on to which is my saviour to keep from going insane.
Hey Lost,
oh that's brilliant, well done! I'm not on Mumsnet but I will get it tomorrow and drop you a message. Thank you xx
oh that's brilliant, well done! I'm not on Mumsnet but I will get it tomorrow and drop you a message. Thank you xx
I've just dropped you a message. I realised actually it could be quite dangerous to reach out without having clarified first on here as anyone could pretend to be someone from reading here so just so you know my username will be begin with an O xx
Hi all,
I know most, if not all, of these posts are from a while ago but you seem to have had the closest experience to myself. Husband was arrested in Dec' 2022 for chatting with a woman (undercover PO) about her 'daughter', on KIK app. No images were exchanged, but graphic communications made about the daughter, dates to meet up discussed but never happened. Husband claims it was all fantasy as feels it was an extension of porn, he needed more than what porn began to offer him.
Wondering what his future might look like? He assures me the police will find nothing more on his devices- no images, other illegal chats etc. Will the police disclose anything to his solictor? Because if something else comes out of this investigation, I am done with the marriage!
I have 2 young kids under 10, SW are involved and I am the supervisor for when he has contact. Just needing some reassurance that the future isn't quite as bleak as it feels just now.
Thank you
I know most, if not all, of these posts are from a while ago but you seem to have had the closest experience to myself. Husband was arrested in Dec' 2022 for chatting with a woman (undercover PO) about her 'daughter', on KIK app. No images were exchanged, but graphic communications made about the daughter, dates to meet up discussed but never happened. Husband claims it was all fantasy as feels it was an extension of porn, he needed more than what porn began to offer him.
Wondering what his future might look like? He assures me the police will find nothing more on his devices- no images, other illegal chats etc. Will the police disclose anything to his solictor? Because if something else comes out of this investigation, I am done with the marriage!
I have 2 young kids under 10, SW are involved and I am the supervisor for when he has contact. Just needing some reassurance that the future isn't quite as bleak as it feels just now.
Thank you
Post deleted
Hi HelpMe,
Thanks for your reply. The child in question was 12 years old. What restrictions will a SHPO mean for him/ us/ the children?
Thank you for your help x
Thanks for your reply. The child in question was 12 years old. What restrictions will a SHPO mean for him/ us/ the children?
Thank you for your help x
The SHPO will be drawn up to protect the pubic in terms of the sexual risk he presents this is different for different people.
It is not true that if they don't find it on the phone they can't be charged with it they will have information thier end and IP addresses linking to him hence how they have knocked on your door in the first place.
The important thing is to get disclosure for him to know what he's being accused of and for you have all the information and not being drip fed it and you have all the cards on the table and you know what you are dealing with and then you will know how to proceed.
Stay strong hun it's a long road x
It is not true that if they don't find it on the phone they can't be charged with it they will have information thier end and IP addresses linking to him hence how they have knocked on your door in the first place.
The important thing is to get disclosure for him to know what he's being accused of and for you have all the information and not being drip fed it and you have all the cards on the table and you know what you are dealing with and then you will know how to proceed.
Stay strong hun it's a long road x
Hi KMF
I think we may be going through similar things except yours has been honest and mine hasn't so I am trying to put together pieces from what I know.
will post more when I have time, but if you want to reach out by private message, do.
I think we may be going through similar things except yours has been honest and mine hasn't so I am trying to put together pieces from what I know.
will post more when I have time, but if you want to reach out by private message, do.
KMF. My OH was arrested for attempted sexually communication with a child. It was a decoy which is why it was attempted. He had been suffering with erectile dysfunction and he said he hoped the chat lines would help solve his problem. Again in his mind it was just fantasy but that doesn't matter in the eyes of the law. The decoy said she was almost 13 which meant 12. Due to the age it is a custodial sentence no matter how clean their past history has been or what probation advise. If the decoy had just stated 13 yrs it would be a suspended sentence.
It's a terrible situation for all parties involved. In the majority of cases the man would never actually do the act and the Internet allows them to fantasise and be anonymous in their minds.
I hope your result will be better than ours.
It's a terrible situation for all parties involved. In the majority of cases the man would never actually do the act and the Internet allows them to fantasise and be anonymous in their minds.
I hope your result will be better than ours.
My husband was arrested 2 years ago and devices took . He has just had his second interview and charged with possession of images of which were put on a chat he was in on kik app . He was on the chat for role play conversation not to look for images of children 4 cat a 1 cat b and 2 cat c where found. I truly believe my husband does not have a sexual interest in children he can't live with himself at the minute as he feels that the whole family are going to suffer through his stupidity. He is very depressed atm and I'm very scared he will do something stupid. I love him very much we have been together for 35 years . I'm so scared for what the future holds
Oh was arrested on 8 feb 2024 no images was taken (from what he says) just a conversation with a decoy. The decoy said she was 21 and then went down to 12. Upon reading this thread and other information because the decoy said 12 is this right in thinking it's a custodial sentence. He's really struggling with mental health suffers with PTSD ANXIETY &DEPRESSIO . I'm his full-time carer. I don't want to think the worse of him but it's scary
Hi everyone,
Reading these posts, I know they're not massively recent but wondering if anyone has a similar situation. My partner has been arrested, currently on remand (18/12 court date), he was speaking to a 'mother' (decoy) on a website, regarding role play with the decoys daughter (role play between the mother and daughter). There was no penetration involved, no conversations to meet up and no photos or videos exchanged. As far as my partner is concerned it was just role-playing and nothing more.
He's been told he's charged on 2 counts of 'arranging or facilitating the comission of a child sex offence' - which his solicitor thinks is an incorrect charge as there was no intention to meet. He has autism, ADHD and mental health issues so he will be having a psych evaluation done etc. And if the charge is incorrect then it may have to go back to magistrates.
I'm so nervous as to what is to come especially being so close to Christmas. Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? He's had a suspended sentence before so my head is obviously thinking the worst. But any advice or past experiences will be appreciated.
Reading these posts, I know they're not massively recent but wondering if anyone has a similar situation. My partner has been arrested, currently on remand (18/12 court date), he was speaking to a 'mother' (decoy) on a website, regarding role play with the decoys daughter (role play between the mother and daughter). There was no penetration involved, no conversations to meet up and no photos or videos exchanged. As far as my partner is concerned it was just role-playing and nothing more.
He's been told he's charged on 2 counts of 'arranging or facilitating the comission of a child sex offence' - which his solicitor thinks is an incorrect charge as there was no intention to meet. He has autism, ADHD and mental health issues so he will be having a psych evaluation done etc. And if the charge is incorrect then it may have to go back to magistrates.
I'm so nervous as to what is to come especially being so close to Christmas. Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? He's had a suspended sentence before so my head is obviously thinking the worst. But any advice or past experiences will be appreciated.
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Your solicitor may be right because they aren't roleplaying about the child as if the child is a third party. If one of them is pretending to be the child it's hard to show that they "intend" to do anything to a child. A lot will depend on how stuff was discussed though and if they agreed to "roleplay" in the chat. Also if the age of the fictional child was mentioned or not because the laws apply directly to under-16s. Just saying "daughter" doesn't imply they are of any particular age. You might be more likely to be charged with "publication of an obscene article" depending on where the chat took place.
This seems to have become the most common scenario used by police decoys. That may have something to do with the fact that it's easier for them to pretend to be an adult than it is to pretend to be a child.
First of all, unless the person specifically says that everything they are saying is roleplaying or a fantasy, then so far as the law is concerned it is real and they really do mean it. The decoy will then ask them questions designed to test how serious they really are.
Proving that there was no intention to carry out the acts discussed, is a matter of evidence. What steps were taken by the person? Did they discuss a time, or a place to meet? If they did, then even if they didn't actually go, the prosecution could call that arranging or facilitating.
They would still be found guilty, but might get a reduced sentence, because they didn't go through with it.
First of all, unless the person specifically says that everything they are saying is roleplaying or a fantasy, then so far as the law is concerned it is real and they really do mean it. The decoy will then ask them questions designed to test how serious they really are.
Proving that there was no intention to carry out the acts discussed, is a matter of evidence. What steps were taken by the person? Did they discuss a time, or a place to meet? If they did, then even if they didn't actually go, the prosecution could call that arranging or facilitating.
They would still be found guilty, but might get a reduced sentence, because they didn't go through with it.
My partner was charged with attempting to incite sexual activity, originally charged with attempting to arrange or facilitate sexual activity with a child.
As has been said, unless the conversation explicitly says that the conversation was role play, this would be very difficult to prove. It would explicitly need to have been said in the conversation or said that child was completely fictional to be considered role play, and even then there could be a charge under the obscene publication act. My partner had lots of circumstantial evidence it was just that but in the end pleaded guilty, he was on an adult BDSM site, he'd had 100s of conversation, some clearly fantasy by their nature and others not physically possible.
He made no specific arrangements to meet, but had loosely discussed meeting. I found the charges really hard to get my head around but a couple of things helped me.
1. Crimes like this, on this forum are often discussed as a 'communication' offences. The police do not see this as talking only, they see there was intent - Unless it's explicitly been said it is just fantasy or role play. How would the police know what conversations were genuine and which were role play otherwise? Everyone would just say it was role play otherwise. When I looked at some of the dialogue alone there would be no way to tell if it was role play or genuine. It took a while for the penny to drop.
2. Facilitating or inciting doesn't mean necessarily the person under arrest intended to commit the abuse themselves, it could be they encouraged or allowed the abuse to happen. Someone could be charged with this for example if they've encouraged abuse of a child via a webcam. Thinking about more recent news, after the riots people were charged with inciting hatred or inciting violence, because of things they posted on Facebook. They didn't physically do anything, but their posts are see to have encouraged, stoked, fueled the hatred or violence.
What you seen any of the conversation? It is fairly rare to be remanded unless there seem to be imminent risk of offending.
As has been said, unless the conversation explicitly says that the conversation was role play, this would be very difficult to prove. It would explicitly need to have been said in the conversation or said that child was completely fictional to be considered role play, and even then there could be a charge under the obscene publication act. My partner had lots of circumstantial evidence it was just that but in the end pleaded guilty, he was on an adult BDSM site, he'd had 100s of conversation, some clearly fantasy by their nature and others not physically possible.
He made no specific arrangements to meet, but had loosely discussed meeting. I found the charges really hard to get my head around but a couple of things helped me.
1. Crimes like this, on this forum are often discussed as a 'communication' offences. The police do not see this as talking only, they see there was intent - Unless it's explicitly been said it is just fantasy or role play. How would the police know what conversations were genuine and which were role play otherwise? Everyone would just say it was role play otherwise. When I looked at some of the dialogue alone there would be no way to tell if it was role play or genuine. It took a while for the penny to drop.
2. Facilitating or inciting doesn't mean necessarily the person under arrest intended to commit the abuse themselves, it could be they encouraged or allowed the abuse to happen. Someone could be charged with this for example if they've encouraged abuse of a child via a webcam. Thinking about more recent news, after the riots people were charged with inciting hatred or inciting violence, because of things they posted on Facebook. They didn't physically do anything, but their posts are see to have encouraged, stoked, fueled the hatred or violence.
What you seen any of the conversation? It is fairly rare to be remanded unless there seem to be imminent risk of offending.