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Sexual chat about children?

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JB72

Member since
October 2018

108 posts

Posted Wed November 21, 2018 9:37pmReport post

i don’t know if anyone can help me but I can’t find any information about this topic? I’ve read on this website that this is an actual offence which my husband hadn’t realised although knew it was wrong but when I try and find details about the law and charges, convictions etc I can’t find anything? Im trying to prepare myself, will he be charged? What’s the punishment? If he isn’t will ss still want to be involved?

Thanks in advance

jb x

Edited by moderator Wed February 6, 2019 10:12am

JB72

Member since
October 2018

108 posts

Posted Thu November 22, 2018 10:05pmReport post

Thankyou so much for your reply, it’s so hard isn’t it? And it’s all the ‘unknown’, the waiting and researching and speculating is horrendous especially when ss are involved and putting their restrictions in place, I’m constantly trying to reassure myself and continue to live as normal as possible but there always seems to be another knock round the corner to floor you :(

Lucy from Stop it Now!

Member since
September 2018

373 posts

Posted Fri November 23, 2018 4:16pmReport post

Dear JB72, thanks for your post. I thought it might be helpful to provide some information about the criminal offences related to 'sexual chat about children'. Equally, I hope I don't add to your uncertainty and worries, which is not my intention.

If 2 or more adults are talking about engaging in a sexual act with a child or children, then they might be charged with inciting another adult to engage in the sexual abuse of a child. The prosecution would need to show that the chat related to a real child, rather than being a totally made-up fantasy. It is also possible to be charged with inciting children (under 16) to engage in sexual activity.

There's a relatively new law too about 'sexual communication' with a child (under 16). Of course parents / carers should talk to children about sex but if this is done with the intention of eliciting a 'sexual communication' from the child, or for the adult's sexual pleasure, this is a criminal offence.

And, finally, there is the offence of grooming, which is about arranging to meet, or facilitating a meeting, with a child under 16 in order to sexually abuse them.

So there are quite a few offences that relate to chatting about, or to, children about sex, and it can be very difficult to know what someone may or may not be charged with - not, I must stress, that we are legal experts; this is simply our experience. The challenge is living with all these uncertainties and unknowns, until things become a bit clearer. Best wishes, Lucy

JB72

Member since
October 2018

108 posts

Posted Sat November 24, 2018 3:40pmReport post

Thanks Lucy,

can I ask where you found this? Not sure if it’s a good thing but I feel I need to research as much as possible, is it a custodial charge? Will it definitely go to court? Will there be a trial if he pleads not guilty? He admits to the chats but believed it to be fantasy so his solicitor said he has nothing to worry about? But how can that be if talking about it is an actual offence?

thanks again JB

Maria

Member since
September 2018

286 posts

Posted Sat November 24, 2018 6:14pmReport post

I found reading the cps website on sexual offences against children. It advices what the sentencing guidelines are for each offence (well it tells you the max sentence so dont be overly alarmed reading it, i got in a bit of a panic at first).

JB72

Member since
October 2018

108 posts

Posted Sat November 24, 2018 11:42pmReport post

Yes! Thanks, I’ve tried this but still can’t find what I’m looking for, I suppose it’s a bit of a grey area as it doesn’t involve image download but still involves children, I’m being very black and white I suppose, I just want to know what I’m up against :(

Lucy from Stop it Now!

Member since
September 2018

373 posts

Posted Mon November 26, 2018 4:52pmReport post

Dear JB72, my post was based upon our knowledge and experience here at Stop it Now! - so it was a general (and brief) summary, with the caveat that we are not legal experts.

If at all possible, I would caution you against researching this area too closely. Some information is obviously helpful, but the search for clarity and certainty is often a fruitless one, especially before the police investigation is complete. Spending lots of time looking up information can perpetuate anxiety about the future - it can be a bit of a bottomless pit.

All of which is easy for us to say, I know. The challenge is to find a way of living with the uncertainty and grey areas, and focusing on what is within your control. With time, things will become clearer, not least as the police investigation and court process, if there is one, run their course. Best wishes, Lucy

Mya

Member since
November 2018

1 post

Posted Wed November 28, 2018 12:38pmReport post

This is my first post but had to reply as I'm in a similar situation. My husband is being investigated following a sexually explicit conversation with another adult regarding an older child. I don't want to go into specifics, but we know the child is fictional and the police have suggested they could charge him for trying to solicate sex from a minor. It turned out he has been having sexual conversations with people on forums for many years but this was the first time it mentioned a child. He was trolling as well as a form of stress relief/coping/power over people as he describes it, he says this conversation was him winding the other person up. He has never met anyone or arrnaged to meet anyone.

When he was questioned the solicitor said the same thing that if there are no images then they won't have anything to charge him with. He is certain there are no images or videos for them to find. We have social services involved as we have young children, which is really stressful. I've said I will support him, but not sure what the long term holds for our relationship. So now we're just waiting for the outcome of the investigation and wondering if they will charge him.

I've feel hurt knowing how long he has been cheating on me online and a sense of grief for the life I thought we had and will have. The knock was just awful as I was here on my own with the kids, it was devastating.

It's hard to know what to expect going forwards as even on this forum a lot of the cases involve images. Also I don't know whether to trust what he's said about there being nothing else, so I won't know for certain until all the devices have been checked.

Anyway I'm not sure if any of that was helpful but felt compelled to post. Sometimes I find it helps to know I'm not the only one who is going through this. I do worry this is going to taint everything in the future and dread the thought of it going to court, it becoming public really scares me.

KLK

Member since
October 2018

99 posts

Posted Wed November 28, 2018 12:58pmReport post

Mya, thank you for posting.

My Husband is being investigated over a conversation on the KIK app inciting someone to abuse a child. I feel sick even typing it. He says it wasn't about a real child, just fantasy but then admitted when I asked him, that pictures were sent to the group (there was more than 2 in it by the sounds of it) but he didn't save them or send them to anyone. Would those pictures still be on his phone somewhere for the police to find?

JB72

Member since
October 2018

108 posts

Posted Wed November 28, 2018 11:17pmReport post

Thanks so much for your replies! Both your stories sound so similar to mine, it’s so hard not knowing, I had to sit through a child in need meeting today and as I’d not received the paperwork before hand my sw read it out to me over the phone, she warned me it would be brutal to hear and although I was expecting it I wasn’t prepared for such detail, I don’t know what was going through his head at the time he typed those messages, but he still maintains they won’t find evidence of images or meetings even though they were spoken about, I can’t find details of charges where it was just conversations, he’s adamant it was just fantasy, I’m going through such mixed feelings at the moment, sharing experiences with people who are going through this too on this forum really is a god send even though it’s so sad that so many are x

christina

Member since
March 2019

42 posts

Posted Fri March 29, 2019 7:55pmReport post

Hi all. Similar situation. House searched as result of online fantasy chat that involved stories of underage children. No images found and he says they won't find anything like that and I believe him. Solicitor has mentioned possible obscene publications prosecution?! Seems crazy private chat can be a publication but apparently so. Would be very useful to hear where you guys are with your cases!!

Trying to keep it together

Member since
February 2019

111 posts

Posted Fri March 29, 2019 8:55pmReport post

Hi All,

I didn’t see this thread when I was first looking for information from this space. Husband is being investigated for a sexual chat with another adult about a minor including this other adult arranging to meet said minor. Mine went along with the chat and said he would attend etc but never did and similar to some other posts on here he was in a fantasy place and deleted the chat etc when it all got real.

The other person sent him images which made him realise that this wasn’t just a conversation for the other guy and made him realise he was in the wrong.

Fast forward 3 months- all devices bar one now searched and completely clear, waiting for the case to pass to CPS still as police have advised due to link to this other person who has already been sentenced(much bigger and a lot more darker stuff than husband is dealin with).

At interview police called me to collect husband and said “ we aren’t dealing with anything near as bad as we thought we were when we arrested him” and his Investigating Officer has been lovely and reassuring that custodial sentences wouldn’t really be on the table for husband.

Caught up with solicitor last week to give her update and she was in disbelief that nothing extra has been found on devices as she said usually there is always something more than initial arrest and first thing that came out of her mouth was “this might not even go anywhere” before cautioning that it could go somewhere with charges too but depends if CPS have enough to bother with a charge or better to just caution and SOR for 2 years.

So I do think it depends case by case and where you are and who your dealing with to what you get told!

christina

Member since
March 2019

42 posts

Posted Sat March 30, 2019 8:51amReport post

It's just such a confusing whirlwind. I know all humans have dark little fictional fantasies in their heads when it comes to sex that they would never play out in reality. Problem with the internet is it allows people to share them and then the lines get blurred as to what is just harmless disconnected fantasy and what is something that the person is at risk of carrying out for real.

I don't think people have really got any more or less 'perverted' since the advent of the internet. It's just that the internet allows people (usually men) to explore dark fantasy, though probably fictional, more than they otherwise would have done. It's the temptation of the taboo and forbidden that we have in all of us, I guess. Some just get pulled in.

My partner says he never felt anything was real and whenever he did he suspect the other person of indulging in more than just fake fantasy, he always reported the person on the other end. I think I believe him. Solicitor thinks he may have been reported himself in retaliation for this. But we don't know until we get some update from police or solicitors. Going on 7 weeks since the knock and don't know whether to chase police or whether to just wait. It's so hard.

JB72

Member since
October 2018

108 posts

Posted Mon April 1, 2019 3:25pmReport post

Hi Christine

were coming up to 6 months post knock and still no further! Devices still haven’t been looked at! No update from the police despite the social workers asking them, I’ve not heard of the charge your solicitor mentions, what was the original charge for your partner?

christina

Member since
March 2019

42 posts

Posted Tue April 2, 2019 1:37pmReport post

Hi JB72

There has been no charge or arrest. Just a search and removal of devices. They said they were searching because of an online chat. No idea if he was reported or whether police were monitoring or what. All v confusing.

But nothing from police. Approaching 2 months now, no interview or arrest or anything.

:(

Jaded

Member since
December 2018

202 posts

Posted Tue April 2, 2019 7:41pmReport post

Christine I completely agree with you about the computer/internet is almost an extension of the mind. It feels like a safe, comfortable place where the real ‘you’ isn’t revealed. I also agree that every single person will have a side to them that they wouldn’t want to display in public. This includes online trolls who wouldn’t dream of verbally abusing a person face to face yet will say all sorts online. The internet has unleashed a side to humanity that was well hidden for years, there’s no more or no less paedophiles than there ever has been. The opportunity along with the expose of peoples (usually Male) conscious combined with the hysteria around has made this a phenomenon.

Scrappy

Member since
January 2019

66 posts

Posted Tue April 9, 2019 7:49amReport post

Trying to keep It together your case sounds exactly the same as my sons case . We’re due to hear back from cps this week as if there is a case to charge him . We’ve had the most horrible time it’s aince came to light he was abused at 16 by a family friend . He is in counselling for that at the moment . It’s a situation we never thought we would be in x

Lynne

Member since
July 2020

1 post

Posted Sun July 26, 2020 12:31pmReport post

Kind of the same but looking for help and guidence really. Im so lost

My 20 year old son met what he thought was an 18 year old on a dating site a year ago. They chatted for a while then arranged to meet up. He met her outside of her house and she took him to a park and climbed on top of him and started to have sex he felt uncomfortable and stopped this as he heard people approaching them. She told him to run. Then 2 days later she messaged him informing him that she was in fact 15. He told her that there has to be distance from her. He was questioned by police and they took his phone. I am so scared for him especially as he has told me today that he has had chats with girls this year he said could be under 16. He feels guilt and shame for this but he said that the chat started as normal chat then it went to sexual chat he said that he has never chatted to under age girls before which I believe. having discovered this I am so scared that he will be put on a sex offenders list or prison. He is a stupid niave young man and I am petrified for him.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

428 posts

Posted Sat November 21, 2020 8:46pmReport post

This sounds the same to my story my husband was online talking to a decoy and one thing lead to another don't really have details,, the police said they arranged a meeting of the child,,, but now know where was no child my husband said he would never of gone to meet him he's at crown the 23rd nove,, I think he going down for this,, he said there is no pic of child and has not spoke to a child and the police have backed this up just wounding if he going to get a heavy sentence we have two children and trying to think how to break to 4 and 13 yrs old,,,

Any advice well xxx

KLK

Member since
October 2018

99 posts

Posted Fri November 27, 2020 4:37pmReport post

Hi Vickie,

My Husband was charged with the obscene publication act in the end, as ridiculously, not all conversations of this nature are illegal! He had a 16 week suspended sentence in the end then 6 weeks later, the police threw a SHPO at him as the obscene publication act doesn't come with any sex offence punishment. Apparently, it's a very rare charge and every solicitor we spoke to had never heard of it being used for this type of offence

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

428 posts

Posted Sat November 28, 2020 11:14amReport post

Well feeling a bit lighter heart as got a call from his solicitor his charge is independent messages between him and the police decoy,, his solicitor is trying to get him bail but he has nowhere to go,,

The solicitor has also said he don't think that my husband should be in prison now or in the future,, he said now he got to see probation on the 4 Jan for there assessment then back to court for senctening on the 4 of Feb,,

I don't know whether to phone the sw and see if he can return here for over Xmas cause it would make her Xmas,, I have starts a child protect report and risk management assessment and how I would deal with the risk of him being here with us or am I getting my hopes up to be knocked down,,

Any advice welcomed

Stunned

Member since
April 2021

5 posts

Posted Wed April 28, 2021 7:58amReport post

I know this thread is old but I am so glad I found it!



OH was arrested 3 days ago for activity with a child, turned out it was a chat with another user on kik regarding fictional children he said he had.



nothing else has been found, so far, no images or videos. He has told me he did see photos in chats but he never opened/downloaded or saved and at this point I have no reason not to believe him.



I would be very interested in finding out the outcomes of all your situations, I know no two are the same but I am a information person, I need to know to be able to prepare.

KLK

Member since
October 2018

99 posts

Posted Sun May 16, 2021 7:26pmReport post

Hi stunned,



My husband was charged with the obscene publication act - publishing an obscene article for an online chat with another adult. He got a suspended sentence, £90 fine and then 6 weeks later he was slapped with a SHPO for 8 years!



Here if you want to talk or have any questions.



X

whyus

Member since
May 2019

53 posts

Posted Mon May 17, 2021 10:05amReport post

I thought SHPOs were given at the same time as sentencing? Can the police really give one after!?

KLK

Member since
October 2018

99 posts

Posted Wed June 2, 2021 6:13pmReport post

Yes they can and they do! It's not unheard of in the Devon & Cornwall area according to our solicitor.

Heidi

Member since
June 2021

8 posts

Posted Tue July 6, 2021 3:43pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Tue January 25, 2022 2:30am

All Over the Place

Member since
March 2021

30 posts

Posted Wed July 7, 2021 9:46pmReport post

Hi there, Heidi. I have been in exactly the same position as you. Partner chatting with a police decoy about my child. He was sentenced to just under a year for obscene publications. Look up "regressive, situational sex offenders" - they have a good prognosis for rehabilitation. He hasn't seen my child for over a year, now, and won't for some time yet, I believe - may not even be before the year is out. Mind you, the SW has been awful - they make a bad situation even worse with how they deviously operate.

BelleBee

Member since
April 2020

149 posts

Posted Wed July 7, 2021 11:28pmReport post

Hi Heidi,

chances are they are pushing you for a decision about their future because if you say you aren't supporting him and your relationship is over they often don't stay involved. Don't feel under pressure to make any decisions. Take one day at a time. If you had asked me in the early days if I was supporting my husband then the answer would have been absolutely not - but he's now living back at home (he has a SHPO) and SS are no longer involved. I guess it will all very much depend on whether he is convicted/ what are the conditions of his SHPO if he gets one as to whether he can return home long term. I'm afraid it's a waiting game. Until you'll know what you are facing its difficult to know how the future might look.



take care xx

SAL

Member since
December 2021

870 posts

Posted Mon December 20, 2021 12:19pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Mon January 3, 2022 10:15pm

RIG22

Member since
September 2022

139 posts

Posted Wed September 21, 2022 12:28pmReport post

Can anyone help?

11 weeks ago we had a very early morning knock by several police officers. They poured in and just took over. Arrested my husband and took him in for questioning. More intelligence officers came in with all their kit to search through devices whilst the others searched each and everything in our home.

Needless to say, I was in shock and completely devastated. I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet to have been married to my soulmate but little did I know. My husband was always extremely loving. I was, according to him, the love of his life, his soulmate, so where did all this come from?
The officer who sat with me was really kind. She told me one conversation he had had 6 months previously with a minor had lead to this arrest. She didn't know any other details.

The police did not find not find anything on any of our or his devices. They took his phone only. He was later released that day. He admitted he'd been speaking onlin to random people (adults) for several years. Had even met adult strangers for sex but could not recall speaking to a minor. He believed it was an adult pretending to be a minor and he just went along with it. Lame excuse I know but there are a lot of strange people out there.
When I pushed for more information he said he doesnt have a a thing for children and just got carried away with fantasy chat. He is depressed and talked of ending his life in the days after his arrest. He says he doesn't have a thing for children so would not have made it a regular preference to chat to anyone underage or pretending to be. He also says with everything that happened, he can't remember if there are more chats of similar nature. He is adamant no images were requested or exchanged.

I don't know how much of what he is saying is true. He's lied for several years and I had absolutely no idea so this could also be a lie. I hoping it's not. I'm desperately praying it's not.



The police have said if there is no more information than what he was arrested for then it may be dropped but the searches for all chat history normally takes 4/5 months to come through. It's a living hell for me and I don't know where to turn.



I don't know what to do. Can anyone offer advice?

Thanks

BaffledB

Member since
July 2021

837 posts

Posted Wed September 21, 2022 11:15pmReport post

Hey Rig,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It must be very difficult. Not only are you dealing with the trauma of the arrest/shock but also the grief of infidelity. What I will say is this is a very difficult journey and your emotions will vary all the time. Sometimes it's easy to deal with and you get your head around it and other times you want to crawl into the abyss. You may decide you want to stay or that you want to leave - either decision is completely valid. It does make it more difficult in the early stage as your partner will obviously be besides himself and you tend to focus on them but you must take time for yourself and look after you. You're innocent in this.

In regards to the future - if your partner admits the chat was him and the Police can tie him to the chat then it is highly likely charges will be brought - I totally understand some men genuinely believe it was someone messing about but unfortunately this isn't a defence unless it can be clearly seen in the messages. What the sentencing would be is a mixed bag, dependant on the mitigating factors, charges and judge. This however, is a long time away. It normally takes anywhere between 6-18 months average for devices to be checked which will need to happen before evidence is submitted to the CPS and then the CPS can take weeks/months to decide and post charges. After that it's around 6 weeks for magistrates and then depending on plea can take a few more weeks or months - not guilty pleas will result in jury trial so the wait is longer. Hope this helps in terms of process but also so you are aware there is a wait and this is a double edged sword as it gives you time to process but also sometimes feels like you're in limbo awaiting conclusion. Come here for any support or questions and ring the helpline too. We're all here for you and in this together xx

Edited Wed September 21, 2022 11:16pm

edel2020

Member since
March 2022

231 posts

Posted Wed November 16, 2022 10:05amReport post

bump

Forumread

Member since
January 2022

16 posts

Posted Sun November 20, 2022 10:43amReport post

Has anyone ever had cps not take a decision to charge after evidence sent to them. I've read the stats are that they make a decision to charge on every 4 out of 5 cases.



Thanks

BaffledB

Member since
July 2021

837 posts

Posted Sun November 20, 2022 10:56amReport post

Hey Forumread,

That is a good question as I have seen a few NFA's on here but I'm not sure if NFA comes before the evidence is sent to the CPS or if it is the decision of the Police to issue an NFA or possibly either.

We don't get to see many who go not guilty either, I believe at the moment there are only 3 of us on a "not guilty" journey so I guess with time we will get to see more outcomes and more journeys like this.

I have also done much research outside of this forum to try and find statistics, probably to help comfort myself but it's very hard to find as well as knowing each case has so many variables it is impossible to compare one to the other.

I will be doing some comprehensive research into all of these types of offenses and requesting freedom of information to do this but at the moment I am trying to keep it all together for the upcoming trial and keep myself busy with a Masters degree I enrolled on to which is my saviour to keep from going insane.

BaffledB

Member since
July 2021

837 posts

Posted Sun November 20, 2022 8:43pmReport post

Hey Lost,

oh that's brilliant, well done! I'm not on Mumsnet but I will get it tomorrow and drop you a message. Thank you xx

BaffledB

Member since
July 2021

837 posts

Posted Mon November 21, 2022 8:58amReport post

I've just dropped you a message. I realised actually it could be quite dangerous to reach out without having clarified first on here as anyone could pretend to be someone from reading here so just so you know my username will be begin with an O xx

KMF

Member since
January 2023

9 posts

Posted Fri March 17, 2023 9:43pmReport post

Hi all,

I know most, if not all, of these posts are from a while ago but you seem to have had the closest experience to myself. Husband was arrested in Dec' 2022 for chatting with a woman (undercover PO) about her 'daughter', on KIK app. No images were exchanged, but graphic communications made about the daughter, dates to meet up discussed but never happened. Husband claims it was all fantasy as feels it was an extension of porn, he needed more than what porn began to offer him.

Wondering what his future might look like? He assures me the police will find nothing more on his devices- no images, other illegal chats etc. Will the police disclose anything to his solictor? Because if something else comes out of this investigation, I am done with the marriage!

I have 2 young kids under 10, SW are involved and I am the supervisor for when he has contact. Just needing some reassurance that the future isn't quite as bleak as it feels just now.



Thank you

HelpMe

Member since
June 2022

141 posts

Posted Tue March 21, 2023 2:01pmReport post

Post deleted


Edited Thu August 10, 2023 1:45pm

KMF

Member since
January 2023

9 posts

Posted Fri March 24, 2023 9:41pmReport post

Hi HelpMe,

Thanks for your reply. The child in question was 12 years old. What restrictions will a SHPO mean for him/ us/ the children?

Thank you for your help x

Summer

Member since
July 2019

400 posts

Posted Mon March 27, 2023 5:48pmReport post

The SHPO will be drawn up to protect the pubic in terms of the sexual risk he presents this is different for different people.

It is not true that if they don't find it on the phone they can't be charged with it they will have information thier end and IP addresses linking to him hence how they have knocked on your door in the first place.

The important thing is to get disclosure for him to know what he's being accused of and for you have all the information and not being drip fed it and you have all the cards on the table and you know what you are dealing with and then you will know how to proceed.



Stay strong hun it's a long road x

Deedee86

Member since
April 2023

55 posts

Posted Thu May 11, 2023 12:00pmReport post

Hi KMF



I think we may be going through similar things except yours has been honest and mine hasn't so I am trying to put together pieces from what I know.



will post more when I have time, but if you want to reach out by private message, do.

Heroine failing

Member since
May 2022

34 posts

Posted Thu June 15, 2023 1:37amReport post

KMF. My OH was arrested for attempted sexually communication with a child. It was a decoy which is why it was attempted. He had been suffering with erectile dysfunction and he said he hoped the chat lines would help solve his problem. Again in his mind it was just fantasy but that doesn't matter in the eyes of the law. The decoy said she was almost 13 which meant 12. Due to the age it is a custodial sentence no matter how clean their past history has been or what probation advise. If the decoy had just stated 13 yrs it would be a suspended sentence.

It's a terrible situation for all parties involved. In the majority of cases the man would never actually do the act and the Internet allows them to fantasise and be anonymous in their minds.

I hope your result will be better than ours.