Am I doing the right thing?
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Two and and half years ago I got into a relationship with a man who had previously been convicted for accessing and sharing iioc. Things were going really well between us, we really clicked and then he told me about his past. We both cried and he showed so much remorse for what he had done. He told me about everything he was doing to make a new life and to better himself. He said that he never, ever enjoyed looking at the images, how it was more of a power thing and an addiction to the chat that got out of control. He told me that he had lost all of his friends and family over this and didn’t speak to them anymore. It took time and it was really difficult but I decided to accept it and do my best to support him and help him. We went to probation together, I spoke to the police. I told him he could always talk to me if he felt he was struggling. We’ve had such a lovely few years together. He’s funny, kind, artistic, gorgeous and we really bounce off each other. We moved in together, he has a job in a factory and I have a job caring for the elderly. Everything was honestly perfect in my eyes. We spoke about marriage and kids and I really thought it was forever. Along the way I asked him a few times if he’d ever thought about going onto these chat rooms again and he always said he would never ever do anything to risk going back to prison or to jeopardise our relationship. We disclosed everything to my best friend and my mum and they supported him too as it’s what I wanted.
About two weeks ago we got the knock and the police took away a phone and a tablet and he is now under investigation. My first instinct was to call the whole relationship off. I feel so so betrayed after everything I’ve done for him and because if it’s true, I was completely oblivious to it. Since it happened he has been so depressed and has said that he’s never actually had any help to address the issue. He also expressed how he has been really struggling with his depression and dark thoughts since it had happened before. I knew it was there but always thought it was under control - but clearly I was wrong. I feel sad as he never fully let me in to what was really going on inside his head. He’s said that he wanted to but there was always a barrier up. We’ve spoken so much over the past weeks about what could happen - we really don’t know what the future holds but I feel like need to stick by him, especially until we know what is going on. I love him so much and see him for who he really is. This part of him needs addressing and he needs proper help. We’ve gone to the GP together, he’s been referred for counselling, we have looked into courses for him and myself and have looked at child lock/surveillance options for the future for his phone and Xbox.
I keep having little moments thinking ‘am being a complete fool?’ I’m worried if we get through this that I’ll be constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying that it will happen again. I am 28 years old and I also really want children in the future and think this could probably be no go area now for us. I was assured by probation and the police before that although it would be difficult at first, we could have children with some SS input and as he’s doing so well for himself that it could happen. But now that has pretty much gone down the drain!
Sorry for the long message. Any advice would be amazing.
Thank you
Two and and half years ago I got into a relationship with a man who had previously been convicted for accessing and sharing iioc. Things were going really well between us, we really clicked and then he told me about his past. We both cried and he showed so much remorse for what he had done. He told me about everything he was doing to make a new life and to better himself. He said that he never, ever enjoyed looking at the images, how it was more of a power thing and an addiction to the chat that got out of control. He told me that he had lost all of his friends and family over this and didn’t speak to them anymore. It took time and it was really difficult but I decided to accept it and do my best to support him and help him. We went to probation together, I spoke to the police. I told him he could always talk to me if he felt he was struggling. We’ve had such a lovely few years together. He’s funny, kind, artistic, gorgeous and we really bounce off each other. We moved in together, he has a job in a factory and I have a job caring for the elderly. Everything was honestly perfect in my eyes. We spoke about marriage and kids and I really thought it was forever. Along the way I asked him a few times if he’d ever thought about going onto these chat rooms again and he always said he would never ever do anything to risk going back to prison or to jeopardise our relationship. We disclosed everything to my best friend and my mum and they supported him too as it’s what I wanted.
About two weeks ago we got the knock and the police took away a phone and a tablet and he is now under investigation. My first instinct was to call the whole relationship off. I feel so so betrayed after everything I’ve done for him and because if it’s true, I was completely oblivious to it. Since it happened he has been so depressed and has said that he’s never actually had any help to address the issue. He also expressed how he has been really struggling with his depression and dark thoughts since it had happened before. I knew it was there but always thought it was under control - but clearly I was wrong. I feel sad as he never fully let me in to what was really going on inside his head. He’s said that he wanted to but there was always a barrier up. We’ve spoken so much over the past weeks about what could happen - we really don’t know what the future holds but I feel like need to stick by him, especially until we know what is going on. I love him so much and see him for who he really is. This part of him needs addressing and he needs proper help. We’ve gone to the GP together, he’s been referred for counselling, we have looked into courses for him and myself and have looked at child lock/surveillance options for the future for his phone and Xbox.
I keep having little moments thinking ‘am being a complete fool?’ I’m worried if we get through this that I’ll be constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying that it will happen again. I am 28 years old and I also really want children in the future and think this could probably be no go area now for us. I was assured by probation and the police before that although it would be difficult at first, we could have children with some SS input and as he’s doing so well for himself that it could happen. But now that has pretty much gone down the drain!
Sorry for the long message. Any advice would be amazing.
Thank you
Hi Elle28
I to experienced the knock when I was 28. The legal process is still ongoing for me which will be over 2 years. Fortunately I know the wait will finally be over this year and we can move forward with our lives. For me I learnt my partner had be suffering of a porn addiction to manage his feelings of emotional distress, stress, anxiety and depression. Within the week of the police arriving, my partner went to see a psychosexual therapist who specialise in sex addiction and porn addiction. In all honesty his counsellor has been a life saver, she helped me to understand his addiction and still offers him ongoing support. My partner was immediately remorseful but is happy it's out as he no longer needs to deal with this addiction on his own and can finally get the help he desperately wanted. It was such a relief to hear from the counsellor that there was a very real reason why he had done what he had done, and that it was actually a result of an esculation of the addiction and nothing to do with sexual interest. Whilst we have been waiting for this nightmare to be over, we have since got married. We got engaged before the knock. I still don't know what the future holds fully, but at the moment I want to support my husband and hopefully get through the otherwise. I don't agree at all with what has happened, but understand why it's happened and feel confident in my decision that you can support someone you love without condoning the behaviour. There are lots of useful informative sites online so do have a search. Only you know what is right for you, and only you know your partner. I'm fully aware that whilst my husband is on the sex offenders register, if we have children during this time then social services will become involved for protocol. This is fine with me as it is their job to assess the risks and everyone is so different. I also feel confident in my own abilities and willing to take this on working fully with everyone involved. Like I said everyone is different and no one will experience this the same. If you want to make it work, then write your own story and make it work =)
I to experienced the knock when I was 28. The legal process is still ongoing for me which will be over 2 years. Fortunately I know the wait will finally be over this year and we can move forward with our lives. For me I learnt my partner had be suffering of a porn addiction to manage his feelings of emotional distress, stress, anxiety and depression. Within the week of the police arriving, my partner went to see a psychosexual therapist who specialise in sex addiction and porn addiction. In all honesty his counsellor has been a life saver, she helped me to understand his addiction and still offers him ongoing support. My partner was immediately remorseful but is happy it's out as he no longer needs to deal with this addiction on his own and can finally get the help he desperately wanted. It was such a relief to hear from the counsellor that there was a very real reason why he had done what he had done, and that it was actually a result of an esculation of the addiction and nothing to do with sexual interest. Whilst we have been waiting for this nightmare to be over, we have since got married. We got engaged before the knock. I still don't know what the future holds fully, but at the moment I want to support my husband and hopefully get through the otherwise. I don't agree at all with what has happened, but understand why it's happened and feel confident in my decision that you can support someone you love without condoning the behaviour. There are lots of useful informative sites online so do have a search. Only you know what is right for you, and only you know your partner. I'm fully aware that whilst my husband is on the sex offenders register, if we have children during this time then social services will become involved for protocol. This is fine with me as it is their job to assess the risks and everyone is so different. I also feel confident in my own abilities and willing to take this on working fully with everyone involved. Like I said everyone is different and no one will experience this the same. If you want to make it work, then write your own story and make it work =)
Thank you so much for your help and advice. Your replies have all meant so much and I really appreciate it. It’s honestly a nightmare that I never thought we’d have to face. Thank you again x
Hi,
I'm the wife of a second time offender.
We have a child together.
We have separated but I am supporting him as a friend and as my child's father.
I hate to be blunt but my advice to you would be to get out if you want children. Enjoy his friendship, support him as a friend but please question deeply whether you could have children with this man. Your child will forever be the child of a sex offender, being a second time offender the involvement of children's services would be greatly increased. You as the mother would be under intense scrutiny at what should be a really special time of your life.
I married my husband knowing of his first offence. I don't regret it as my love for our child is as deep as the ocean and as high as the stars, but I feel intense guilt every day for choosing a sex offender as my child's father. My husband loves our child but even that love didn't stop him reoffending. This addiction runs very deep for him, and it must for your partner too if he has also reoffended. What if he reoffended when you had a newborn? A third offence would surely mean prison. You left bringing up baby alone and baby left without a dad to bond to. Or if he reoffended once your child is at school it leaves them open to bullying and shame. I'm so worried about the cycle repeating itself.
I understand why you want to stay with him and love him through this. Remember I stayed with my husband too after finding out. And pleasedon'thate me for being so blunt... I'm just telling you now what I wish someone had told me before bringing a child into this world.
I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this position with someone who you clearly love so deeply. I think it would be much more clear cut if you weren't planning kids one day xx
I'm the wife of a second time offender.
We have a child together.
We have separated but I am supporting him as a friend and as my child's father.
I hate to be blunt but my advice to you would be to get out if you want children. Enjoy his friendship, support him as a friend but please question deeply whether you could have children with this man. Your child will forever be the child of a sex offender, being a second time offender the involvement of children's services would be greatly increased. You as the mother would be under intense scrutiny at what should be a really special time of your life.
I married my husband knowing of his first offence. I don't regret it as my love for our child is as deep as the ocean and as high as the stars, but I feel intense guilt every day for choosing a sex offender as my child's father. My husband loves our child but even that love didn't stop him reoffending. This addiction runs very deep for him, and it must for your partner too if he has also reoffended. What if he reoffended when you had a newborn? A third offence would surely mean prison. You left bringing up baby alone and baby left without a dad to bond to. Or if he reoffended once your child is at school it leaves them open to bullying and shame. I'm so worried about the cycle repeating itself.
I understand why you want to stay with him and love him through this. Remember I stayed with my husband too after finding out. And pleasedon'thate me for being so blunt... I'm just telling you now what I wish someone had told me before bringing a child into this world.
I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this position with someone who you clearly love so deeply. I think it would be much more clear cut if you weren't planning kids one day xx
Hi Ellie,
It is strange how similar your story is to mine and I ask myself the same question every day- am I doing the right thing? So much of your story sounded like I wrote it myself especially " I feel like need to stick by him, especially until we know what is going on. I love him so much and see him for who he really is. This part of him needs addressing and he needs proper help."
There was one key difference - my husband never told me about his previous offence.
I knew he had been arrested in 2010 but he told me it was for downloading movies such as Iron Man. When I met him in 2014 he was still under police supervision and never told them about me as far as I know.
We got married in 2018 and went on our honeymoon a year later over our 1 year anniversary. Less than a week after getting back we got the knock at the door. Before then I was so happy with everything seeming so perfect, we were starting to talk about kids and had adopted a dog in the meantime. I’ve had so many thoughts of running but then I remember our good times. I know I cant fully make up my mind about staying or going until the results of the investigation come to a conclusion at court.
For the first few months I was devastated and every old couple I saw made me cry and made me think that I could never have that. I realise now that I might be able to. His offence does not, and should not, define who he is. He is so much more. I don’t know about Children in the future now but for now we are focusing on what happens next between us. I am 25 and he is 31- we have our whole lives ahead of us.
A few things I can suggest:
1) There is no right or wrong answer about staying or going and only you can make that decision. You don’t need to make it now and can change your mind at any point.
2)The Lucy Faithful Inform friends and family course - It helped me a lot to understand a little more about the why question. Also helped a lot with the risk of re-offending, how to spot them and importantly how to help.
3) A practical one- Look into Covenant Eyes - it is about £10 a month but allows you and one other person to monitor his internet activity. They send you daily / weekly reports of screenshots (blurred in case of explicit images) and notify you if something is not right. It has really put my mind at ease. - https://covenanteyes.com/refer-a-friend/?refer_a_friend=u1432832
4) Just to cheer you up have a look at: https://www.blurtitout.org/ This is a fantastic site that provides both paid for and free resources that can help combat depression and anxiety. They do a monthly buddy box (it really is a hug in a box) which is AMAZING. They also do daily "dollops of Kindness" emails which really help on tough days.
5) I know lockdown currently makes everything so much more difficult but do things you enjoy - both things together and separately. We created a jar and wrote fun things to do on bits of paper- every week we pull one out and do what it says - suggestions include - build a pillow fort, make milkshakes, go for a walk, play a card/board game, order something silly online for each other, play something together on the PS4 - the list is endless and allows you to enjoy each other’s company and make new fun memories.
6) We are looking into couples counselling once all of this is over to open up conversations about everything that has happened and to come to terms to it together. It may be worth looking into
7) You are not alone, feel free to reach out
I have no idea what the future may bring but i live in hope that the judges will see the changes and sacrafices that we have both made to ensure that this will never hapen again,
Hugs and Suppourt
Clara
It is strange how similar your story is to mine and I ask myself the same question every day- am I doing the right thing? So much of your story sounded like I wrote it myself especially " I feel like need to stick by him, especially until we know what is going on. I love him so much and see him for who he really is. This part of him needs addressing and he needs proper help."
There was one key difference - my husband never told me about his previous offence.
I knew he had been arrested in 2010 but he told me it was for downloading movies such as Iron Man. When I met him in 2014 he was still under police supervision and never told them about me as far as I know.
We got married in 2018 and went on our honeymoon a year later over our 1 year anniversary. Less than a week after getting back we got the knock at the door. Before then I was so happy with everything seeming so perfect, we were starting to talk about kids and had adopted a dog in the meantime. I’ve had so many thoughts of running but then I remember our good times. I know I cant fully make up my mind about staying or going until the results of the investigation come to a conclusion at court.
For the first few months I was devastated and every old couple I saw made me cry and made me think that I could never have that. I realise now that I might be able to. His offence does not, and should not, define who he is. He is so much more. I don’t know about Children in the future now but for now we are focusing on what happens next between us. I am 25 and he is 31- we have our whole lives ahead of us.
A few things I can suggest:
1) There is no right or wrong answer about staying or going and only you can make that decision. You don’t need to make it now and can change your mind at any point.
2)The Lucy Faithful Inform friends and family course - It helped me a lot to understand a little more about the why question. Also helped a lot with the risk of re-offending, how to spot them and importantly how to help.
3) A practical one- Look into Covenant Eyes - it is about £10 a month but allows you and one other person to monitor his internet activity. They send you daily / weekly reports of screenshots (blurred in case of explicit images) and notify you if something is not right. It has really put my mind at ease. - https://covenanteyes.com/refer-a-friend/?refer_a_friend=u1432832
4) Just to cheer you up have a look at: https://www.blurtitout.org/ This is a fantastic site that provides both paid for and free resources that can help combat depression and anxiety. They do a monthly buddy box (it really is a hug in a box) which is AMAZING. They also do daily "dollops of Kindness" emails which really help on tough days.
5) I know lockdown currently makes everything so much more difficult but do things you enjoy - both things together and separately. We created a jar and wrote fun things to do on bits of paper- every week we pull one out and do what it says - suggestions include - build a pillow fort, make milkshakes, go for a walk, play a card/board game, order something silly online for each other, play something together on the PS4 - the list is endless and allows you to enjoy each other’s company and make new fun memories.
6) We are looking into couples counselling once all of this is over to open up conversations about everything that has happened and to come to terms to it together. It may be worth looking into
7) You are not alone, feel free to reach out
I have no idea what the future may bring but i live in hope that the judges will see the changes and sacrafices that we have both made to ensure that this will never hapen again,
Hugs and Suppourt
Clara
Hi
I am so sorry for everyone going through this. My husband's convictions were 14 years ago and I am with him from almost 7 years. He disclosed his convictions with me few months after our marriage. It was a tough time as i felt cheated but after various discussion with my husband i decided to stay. It been 7 years since we are together, we have a 1 year old son together. We are a happy couple and I am confident about my husband that he has changed. He is a very good husband and a father but still i question myself alot wheather i did the right thing to bring baby in this world. Not because i doubt my husband but an awful and dreadful involvement of SS from last 16 months. It is a very lengthy and humiliated process where all professionals are watching your every move. Ss only focus on negatives and good in ignoring all the positives. My husband is not allowed any unsupervised contact with our son and he is only allowed at home for 4 days a week for couple of hours. Although SS are different area wise so i am not sure how it will be in your area. Wheather you want to stay with your partner or not it is upto you but you have to be enotionally strong for this. Being pregnant and giving birth with SS involvement is very tough. Sorry to be blunt but wish i knew this before. Try to get all the help you get for you and your partner. Good luck
I am so sorry for everyone going through this. My husband's convictions were 14 years ago and I am with him from almost 7 years. He disclosed his convictions with me few months after our marriage. It was a tough time as i felt cheated but after various discussion with my husband i decided to stay. It been 7 years since we are together, we have a 1 year old son together. We are a happy couple and I am confident about my husband that he has changed. He is a very good husband and a father but still i question myself alot wheather i did the right thing to bring baby in this world. Not because i doubt my husband but an awful and dreadful involvement of SS from last 16 months. It is a very lengthy and humiliated process where all professionals are watching your every move. Ss only focus on negatives and good in ignoring all the positives. My husband is not allowed any unsupervised contact with our son and he is only allowed at home for 4 days a week for couple of hours. Although SS are different area wise so i am not sure how it will be in your area. Wheather you want to stay with your partner or not it is upto you but you have to be enotionally strong for this. Being pregnant and giving birth with SS involvement is very tough. Sorry to be blunt but wish i knew this before. Try to get all the help you get for you and your partner. Good luck
I am so sad to read your story Elle28 - So many men getting caught up in this addiction. My husband of 40yrs was looking at IIOC for three years and I also didn't have a clue. One thing I would say - please ensure that the counselling your partner goes for has specific knowledge and training of this offence. Therapists recommended and vetted by STOP-SO are a good bet - as is the Inform course run by Lucy Faithfull foundation. My husband is going to a therapist recommended via Stop-So and they are working through the LFF modules together. There is more understanding of this addiction and more help available than in previous years. Its also a problem for society that is becoming more and more prevalent with the growth of internet porn at rocket like speed.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
Thank you so much everyone. Your replies all have meant so much and what I've needed to hear - I am still undecided about what to do. We finally heard from the police saying that they've found illegal activity on his phone so he's had an interview arranged. Without warning the other day they recalled him to prison, just came in whilst I was at work and arrested him. It came as a massive shock! So now just waiting if he will get released, it's all been extremely stressful. He's finally getting the help he needs so his course will now be interrupted and will probably lose his job for not turning up for work! I've said that I'll always support him and be there for him but i am still not sure if that will be in a relationship sense. Thanks again for all your replies - I really feel that I am not alone on here.