I’m struggling
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I'm struggling... at the moment it's just silence and as much as I try to keep positive for my child and my person, deep down I'm sad. I'm sad for the life that we were planning that can no longer happen, I'm sad for my child who is only 1. 16 months and still no progress, nothing from solicitor or OIC. Last we heard from OIC was that devices were triaged and being sent off to forensics in November last year. Changed to RUI two months ago and social services have got back in contact after closing quite quickly before and now I'm scared all over again. Do I just leave and try to create a normal life for my child or do I stay and deal with all this mess? I don't know what I'm suppose to do, or how I'm suppose to feel. My parents are the only ones that know, I can't speak to anyone else and I just feel a shell of my former self. I guess I'm just trying to look at both sides of leaving or staying, what our lives would look like if he is charged. At the moment, he's being investigated for 1 Cat B upload to the internet, still on SOR from previous offence 9 years ago unrelated to this (judge wanted to make an example of him and gave him the highest sentence on SOR before indefinite). He says he has no idea where this upload has come from and I want to believe hom, that this is somehow just a big mistake. Its just so hard to think of all the backlash if he is charged, media coverage, judgment, fear of his mental state which at the moment isn't good. I guess I'm just looking for any positive or similar stories. Sending love to all of you who are going through this x
Hi,
I've forgotten what his previous conviction was, if it for something not relating to children then it may not be relevant. I think it's important to consider whether there is a pattern of dangerous/risk taking behaviour online and what steps he is taking to address this behaviour. If he isn't willing to acknowledge any wrongdoing then it is more difficult. It is common for men in this situation to feel too much shame to admit to their actions.
Life 4 years post sentencing and media coverage looks different for me to others on here. We are doing a phased return home, had pretty minimal ss involvement and it is down to me to manage what contact looks like etc. I did things very slowly and researched a lot, did the inform course and breaking the cycle course. My partner did the engage plus course and then the horizon course via probation.
He is struggling to find work and I now work part time so financially it's a struggle but manageable. The house etc has always been in my name (my choice) so apart from the drop in income I haven't had to go through any major changes like selling a property or changing bills over etc.
Our daughter was born the week of sentencing so I've only known being a single mom to her. It's a learning curve to move to co parenting now and giving them space to navigate their relationship whilst still supervising for the majority of the time. Ss have allowed unsupervised since February but the longest it's been so far is about half an hour while I walk the dog.
Sorry if this is jumbled and possibly not the positive response you were hoping for. Do some research and some soul searching. Put boundaries in place with your partner and allow yourself space to think xxx
I've forgotten what his previous conviction was, if it for something not relating to children then it may not be relevant. I think it's important to consider whether there is a pattern of dangerous/risk taking behaviour online and what steps he is taking to address this behaviour. If he isn't willing to acknowledge any wrongdoing then it is more difficult. It is common for men in this situation to feel too much shame to admit to their actions.
Life 4 years post sentencing and media coverage looks different for me to others on here. We are doing a phased return home, had pretty minimal ss involvement and it is down to me to manage what contact looks like etc. I did things very slowly and researched a lot, did the inform course and breaking the cycle course. My partner did the engage plus course and then the horizon course via probation.
He is struggling to find work and I now work part time so financially it's a struggle but manageable. The house etc has always been in my name (my choice) so apart from the drop in income I haven't had to go through any major changes like selling a property or changing bills over etc.
Our daughter was born the week of sentencing so I've only known being a single mom to her. It's a learning curve to move to co parenting now and giving them space to navigate their relationship whilst still supervising for the majority of the time. Ss have allowed unsupervised since February but the longest it's been so far is about half an hour while I walk the dog.
Sorry if this is jumbled and possibly not the positive response you were hoping for. Do some research and some soul searching. Put boundaries in place with your partner and allow yourself space to think xxx
I'm so sorry. Its just the most awful place to be in. I don't have any advice, all i can do is share my experience. I was in a different situation as we don't have children, so my decision to seperate came much easier. Long story short, the knock came at the beginning of February (for downloading of all categories). I was led to believe it had started in mid December, but something got lost in translation and it turns out it had been going on for years, before we even got together 13 years ago and got married 3 years ago. I'd already decided I wanted to separate, but I just couldn't seem to get the words out. As soon as I realised how long his viewing had been going on, those words burst out of me. It was very painful, but it had to happen. I doubt that his case will get in the media (not salacious enough, too common) but thats just my judgement of what he's told me, and the OIC saying they're not putting a media pack together. But you just never know. I know that he's viewed content of really young children (Excuse me while I vomit) but who knows what the judge is going to read out? I'm not risking any danger to me, my property, my friendships and my business. I'm not suffering financially because of his choices. I'm not navigating potential issues with mortgage and insurance renewals, and where we could go on holiday. I'm not propping him up emotionally and financially when he most probably loses his job. I'm not losing friends because of what he did. And I'm not constantly fighting suspicion and lack of trust. He's gaslit me for years. Not in an evil moustache twiddling, plotting kind of way, but he has. He had denied me of any kind of sex life for 6 years, blaming my weight and using other crap excuses. Now I know none of it was me. I cant forgive that.
Everyone is different, every situation and partnership is different. We all have to make our decisions based on what is best for us and any children involved. When I looked at what my future could be if I stayed with him, I decided I'm worth way more and I chose myself. His leaving was delayed as he got really ill and ended up in hospital, but he's been gone almost a week. He still has plenty of his stuff to move out, but at least he's no longer in my space. The first few evenings were difficult, but now the overriding feeling is relief. I feel so much lighter and laughter is coming much easier. So many people say they'd leave immediately if they found themselves in this awful, unique, confusing situation, but no one knows till they actually experience it. You have to figure out what will be right for you and your children going forward. If you decided that will be to stay, you'd get no judgement from me. I hope youre able to get to that point soon and start moving forward xx
Everyone is different, every situation and partnership is different. We all have to make our decisions based on what is best for us and any children involved. When I looked at what my future could be if I stayed with him, I decided I'm worth way more and I chose myself. His leaving was delayed as he got really ill and ended up in hospital, but he's been gone almost a week. He still has plenty of his stuff to move out, but at least he's no longer in my space. The first few evenings were difficult, but now the overriding feeling is relief. I feel so much lighter and laughter is coming much easier. So many people say they'd leave immediately if they found themselves in this awful, unique, confusing situation, but no one knows till they actually experience it. You have to figure out what will be right for you and your children going forward. If you decided that will be to stay, you'd get no judgement from me. I hope youre able to get to that point soon and start moving forward xx
Thank you both for your replies. His previous conviction was indecent exposure. It's just so hard isn't it. One minute I forget and everything seems to be okay and then something pops up and emotions are high again.