Any middle ground?
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Background: Partner arrested for IIOC (all known to the police already) and drug possession a little over a year ago. First offence. I have cooperated fully with police, SS etc. which has been recognised. Due to drug use, my partner didn't initially come across well or engage with the process and was perceived by SS as arrogant and "just ticking the boxes". This led to an escalation to CP plan and later PLO which is ongoing. In recent months he has beaten the addiction and has been in therapy, taken courses etc. as requested by SS (and also of his own accord) and has received a great deal of praise for his engagement.
In court he received a very lenient sentence (community order, only SHPO condition relating to inspection of devices; no restrictions on contact with children) and the court risk assessment was very low.
To conclude the PLO process we both have to undergo a risk assessment and protective parent assessment. This appears to assume that I want him to move back home, but that's not the case (I will be seeking a divorce down the line). I would have left long ago, but for the sake of my children, who love and miss him, and as we don't have family nearby, I have been responsible for almost all supervision (3-4 times per week). It seems like SS make the simplistic assumption that because I haven't cut ties completely (and thereby depriving my children of any time with their dad) I must want to take him back. It's a very black and white view with little room for any shades of grey.
I want to create a sound co-parenting approach, but I'm not sure how it can be achieved other than by me continuing to give up all my spare time indefinitely to allow my ex-partner to see his children, which is already taking a huge toll on me
Question: If the outcomes of the assessments are low risk, is there any chance of him getting unsupervised access? Overnights or just daytime? If not it feels like I'm doomed to either stay married to someone I no longer love and whom I can never trust (being his prison guard forever), to continue supervising this way indefinitely (which is a huge burden), or stop supervising and depriving the children of the relationship they've always had with their dad.
I'm also concerned that if I say we'll be divorcing, I'll no longer be seen as a protective factor and the risk assessment for my partner might be deemed higher risk?
Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? I hear so few stories of what life is like on the other side. I would be very grateful to hear about any real life experience that doesn't fall into the "cut all contact" or "resume the relationship " brackets.
In court he received a very lenient sentence (community order, only SHPO condition relating to inspection of devices; no restrictions on contact with children) and the court risk assessment was very low.
To conclude the PLO process we both have to undergo a risk assessment and protective parent assessment. This appears to assume that I want him to move back home, but that's not the case (I will be seeking a divorce down the line). I would have left long ago, but for the sake of my children, who love and miss him, and as we don't have family nearby, I have been responsible for almost all supervision (3-4 times per week). It seems like SS make the simplistic assumption that because I haven't cut ties completely (and thereby depriving my children of any time with their dad) I must want to take him back. It's a very black and white view with little room for any shades of grey.
I want to create a sound co-parenting approach, but I'm not sure how it can be achieved other than by me continuing to give up all my spare time indefinitely to allow my ex-partner to see his children, which is already taking a huge toll on me
Question: If the outcomes of the assessments are low risk, is there any chance of him getting unsupervised access? Overnights or just daytime? If not it feels like I'm doomed to either stay married to someone I no longer love and whom I can never trust (being his prison guard forever), to continue supervising this way indefinitely (which is a huge burden), or stop supervising and depriving the children of the relationship they've always had with their dad.
I'm also concerned that if I say we'll be divorcing, I'll no longer be seen as a protective factor and the risk assessment for my partner might be deemed higher risk?
Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? I hear so few stories of what life is like on the other side. I would be very grateful to hear about any real life experience that doesn't fall into the "cut all contact" or "resume the relationship " brackets.
I'm in the same position as you and I just can't figure out what they want from me. There are no conditions on my OH, no SOR or SHPO. SS will not him live at the house and we are not in a relationship anyway. They escalated us to PLO for risk assessments. I'm supervising contact every night because that's what my daughter wants. I have no idea if SS will let him have unsupervised access so I feel like I'm trapped in a marriage and having to spend time with someone I don't want to so my daughter can spend time with her dad. I decided to do a SAR to see what the SW has been writing about me and she put that I should be asking my OH for a divorce. Behind the scenes that is what they want. On top of having a full time job, being a single parent, being in the PLO process and supervising contact, they now expect me to start divorce proceedings on top of all this. I haven't told the SW that I did a SAR, so she doesn't know that I know! I'm not letting them force me into anything xx
Strangely enough ours backed right off when I said I would divorce. But surely they realise its a long and stressful process and financially it leaves you (and your ex really vulnerable). Children can also be negatively affected by divorce and need lots of support to ensure they know they are safe, will always be loved and feel secure during the changes and unexpected unknown future. This is not a decision you make lightly or without a lot of time and consideration. It's not a quick fix.