Be prepared
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I haven't been here for a long time, I found reading stories from new people experiencing the knock, the subject of 'stayers' and 'leavers' and the inconsistency in charges and outcomes too hard to deal with. We all have our triggers and I have been trying to move on.
Something again has brought me back, minor in the grand scheme of things so I won't go into detail but it's been a reminder that this will always come up.
It's over for us. 4 years since the knock, 2 years since sentencing, but it will always be a part of our lives.
We didn't experience the nightmare a lot of other have, the local police and social work we have dealt with throughout have been amazing. As with all cases where young children are in the home, I had to supervise for well over a year, I became a single parent overnight when I technically wasn't one. I felt very low over this time and jealous of my OH's freedom. Supervising for us never came with a list of rules to follow, it was more "if we come round and you're not here then there will be consequences" My partner never had to leave our home. I thought that was going to be the worst part but I was wrong.
Unfortunately the case made the papers and social media and has been reposted numerous times over the years. This is by far the worst part of the whole journey and I still struggle with this, to the point that only yesterday I thought, if I leave now I won't have to feel this way anymore. If I was only thinking about myself then it would be simple.
On average 1 in 5 cases make the papers and we were that one! Anyone who's family member didn't reach the media, you may not feel lucky but in my eyes you are. I can't begin to explain the places my mind has been since experiencing media coverage. Other men can continue on with there lives without the public ever being aware and I envy those people.
I use the word 'we' a lot because it isn't just about the person that has committed the crime. I 100% agree with others that this is a life sentence for the families. Nothing will ever prepare you for societies stigma, if I had known years ago what this would be like and the amount I would suffer, I really don't know if I would be a 'stayer' if I had the choice to make over. I do think that if I hadn't had children with him or been earlier in the relationship I would have left, no one deserves to go through this.
Child social work reopened our case after sentencing, we now had no restrictions and it was closed again within a couple of weeks. I no longer had to supervise. My experience here might seem lucky but I trust this decision was made after taking everything around the offence into account.
Our reality now is that in a lot of ways I am single and in a lot of ways I am a single mum.
He doesn't do the school run.
He doesn't walk the dog in our area.
He isn't invited to family events, the invites are only for me or none at all probably.
He doesn't go to parent contact meeting's.
He doesn't take our kids to the park.
Our kids don't get invited on play dates.
The majority of other mums don't talk to me.
I lost friends instantly.
People stopped sharing things with me on social media.
We don't go for meals/out in our area, we travel to go out anywhere.
I don't go to local fayres/events
I feel I am no longer trustworthy which is hard for me. I'd never felt like that before, I think I'm an honest and genuine person. A friend told me that she wouldn't let her child come to my home without her. I actually understand this and I'm not offended because I can put myself in her shoes, it does make me sad though.
I used to have my nieces and nephews
stay over or come to play but now it's not an option.
Some of these things might seem small but when they are a part of day to day life it's a lot to adjust to.There is nothing stopping us from doing any of the above.
He could do the school run
He could take the kids to the park
I think we choose not to out of fear, judgement, social media vigilantes!
A lot of things are still exactly the same as before, our home, the love we share and the way we parent has never changed. Sometimes it doesn't even cross my mind that this happened, sometimes I even forget which I never imagined I'd say a few years back.
But men and their families continue to be punished by society long after the crime has been committed and long after they are off the register. For people on the outside these men are P's, beasts, scum and stayers are just as bad. People judge and disown without realising that this could very easily come to their door.
I worry about the future, when my kids have serious relationships and have children and in-laws. How will we fit in... or will it even come up by that point.
Something again has brought me back, minor in the grand scheme of things so I won't go into detail but it's been a reminder that this will always come up.
It's over for us. 4 years since the knock, 2 years since sentencing, but it will always be a part of our lives.
We didn't experience the nightmare a lot of other have, the local police and social work we have dealt with throughout have been amazing. As with all cases where young children are in the home, I had to supervise for well over a year, I became a single parent overnight when I technically wasn't one. I felt very low over this time and jealous of my OH's freedom. Supervising for us never came with a list of rules to follow, it was more "if we come round and you're not here then there will be consequences" My partner never had to leave our home. I thought that was going to be the worst part but I was wrong.
Unfortunately the case made the papers and social media and has been reposted numerous times over the years. This is by far the worst part of the whole journey and I still struggle with this, to the point that only yesterday I thought, if I leave now I won't have to feel this way anymore. If I was only thinking about myself then it would be simple.
On average 1 in 5 cases make the papers and we were that one! Anyone who's family member didn't reach the media, you may not feel lucky but in my eyes you are. I can't begin to explain the places my mind has been since experiencing media coverage. Other men can continue on with there lives without the public ever being aware and I envy those people.
I use the word 'we' a lot because it isn't just about the person that has committed the crime. I 100% agree with others that this is a life sentence for the families. Nothing will ever prepare you for societies stigma, if I had known years ago what this would be like and the amount I would suffer, I really don't know if I would be a 'stayer' if I had the choice to make over. I do think that if I hadn't had children with him or been earlier in the relationship I would have left, no one deserves to go through this.
Child social work reopened our case after sentencing, we now had no restrictions and it was closed again within a couple of weeks. I no longer had to supervise. My experience here might seem lucky but I trust this decision was made after taking everything around the offence into account.
Our reality now is that in a lot of ways I am single and in a lot of ways I am a single mum.
He doesn't do the school run.
He doesn't walk the dog in our area.
He isn't invited to family events, the invites are only for me or none at all probably.
He doesn't go to parent contact meeting's.
He doesn't take our kids to the park.
Our kids don't get invited on play dates.
The majority of other mums don't talk to me.
I lost friends instantly.
People stopped sharing things with me on social media.
We don't go for meals/out in our area, we travel to go out anywhere.
I don't go to local fayres/events
I feel I am no longer trustworthy which is hard for me. I'd never felt like that before, I think I'm an honest and genuine person. A friend told me that she wouldn't let her child come to my home without her. I actually understand this and I'm not offended because I can put myself in her shoes, it does make me sad though.
I used to have my nieces and nephews
stay over or come to play but now it's not an option.
Some of these things might seem small but when they are a part of day to day life it's a lot to adjust to.There is nothing stopping us from doing any of the above.
He could do the school run
He could take the kids to the park
I think we choose not to out of fear, judgement, social media vigilantes!
A lot of things are still exactly the same as before, our home, the love we share and the way we parent has never changed. Sometimes it doesn't even cross my mind that this happened, sometimes I even forget which I never imagined I'd say a few years back.
But men and their families continue to be punished by society long after the crime has been committed and long after they are off the register. For people on the outside these men are P's, beasts, scum and stayers are just as bad. People judge and disown without realising that this could very easily come to their door.
I worry about the future, when my kids have serious relationships and have children and in-laws. How will we fit in... or will it even come up by that point.
I share your thoughts and feelings on the daily xx
Thanks for being brave and coming back. I am the 1 in 5 but I didn't stay. So far nobody seems to have noticed the press/social media except my family who were on the lookout in full protector mode ready for any fallout. It still worries me every day what will happen if people find out as my ex has a very long time to go keeping this a secret and I'm terrified my. Child won't have a normal childhood because of it. But I shouldn't get wound up and anxious about the things I can't control. My child is loved and safe and still sees their dad although heavily supervised and restricted, I have never lied I just don't give full gory (or unnecessary) details or disclose why our family has ended up this way. People assume it's a standard breakup and it's not for me to correct their assumptions. The closest ones who matter know and they have supported me and my child. If anyone approaches or says anything my stance is; I haven't done anything wrong, nor has my child. This has been devastating to us, I'm just trying to get through each day, I'd appreciate if you didn't make an already difficult time much worse and gossip than you.
The aftermath and impact on families needs to be more widely shared to stop us being treated the same as the offenders. But it's so taboo it's never going to happen. Nobody wants to show sympathy for the perpetrators and there's a false security that "it won't ever happen to me". Which is the biggest shock-it absolutely can and has happened to all kinds of people and there's no fail proof way of spotting potential offenders or we'd already be working on stopping them and cutting them off in their tracks.
The aftermath and impact on families needs to be more widely shared to stop us being treated the same as the offenders. But it's so taboo it's never going to happen. Nobody wants to show sympathy for the perpetrators and there's a false security that "it won't ever happen to me". Which is the biggest shock-it absolutely can and has happened to all kinds of people and there's no fail proof way of spotting potential offenders or we'd already be working on stopping them and cutting them off in their tracks.
My children's father (now ex husband) didn't make the media and I am super greatful! I agree that we are luckier that way.
I'm nearly 8 years into this, but because of delays in things it took over 4 years to come to court, so by time my ex has came off SOR it will be 14 years all together (10 years on SOR) I
I totally understand the way you feel.. my ex husband is able to get a job, albeit nothing compared to what he was doing / earning, he had no bail conditions so could carry on working as it wasn't a job that required a clear record , he moved into his parents and saved a fortune! He left when he got charged, but soon found another job when he was sentenced. Didn't help me out with anything.. Meanwhile I had to struggle paying the mortgage, live off sick pay, eventually quit my job, feed/ look after our kids , i couldn't afford any of this , got into debt , moved house and I had all the stress of children's services. They didn't once visit him, question his parenting ?! But did my ability to parent despite leaving him and doing everything they wanted.. I am bitter and resent him! Without sounding over the top he's literally ruined my life and my children's. There's literally no support for us. Nothing. And the stigma of this keeps me isolated. It's not my guilt to carry but I somehow end up with it. I've lost all my friends as I couldn't keep lying, they kept questioning things but I just couldn't trust anyone enough with this because the thought of my children being bullied / targeted was enough to stop me telling anyone as I had seen with a case that made our local media and happened to be very close to my house at the time.
I'm nearly 8 years into this, but because of delays in things it took over 4 years to come to court, so by time my ex has came off SOR it will be 14 years all together (10 years on SOR) I
I totally understand the way you feel.. my ex husband is able to get a job, albeit nothing compared to what he was doing / earning, he had no bail conditions so could carry on working as it wasn't a job that required a clear record , he moved into his parents and saved a fortune! He left when he got charged, but soon found another job when he was sentenced. Didn't help me out with anything.. Meanwhile I had to struggle paying the mortgage, live off sick pay, eventually quit my job, feed/ look after our kids , i couldn't afford any of this , got into debt , moved house and I had all the stress of children's services. They didn't once visit him, question his parenting ?! But did my ability to parent despite leaving him and doing everything they wanted.. I am bitter and resent him! Without sounding over the top he's literally ruined my life and my children's. There's literally no support for us. Nothing. And the stigma of this keeps me isolated. It's not my guilt to carry but I somehow end up with it. I've lost all my friends as I couldn't keep lying, they kept questioning things but I just couldn't trust anyone enough with this because the thought of my children being bullied / targeted was enough to stop me telling anyone as I had seen with a case that made our local media and happened to be very close to my house at the time.
Tired soul
I totally get it, I'm very bitter about how someone else's decisions impact on others. But it's hard because I spent half my life with this person-it's hard to get your head round the fact they'd do this knowing the likely risks. They've lost everything which is awful; but it's not my fault I haven't done anything wrong so why does it feel like I'm being punished as well?
The fallout from these crimes on the family of offenders is cruel. But then I give my head a wobble and remind myself; yes I'm struggling and yes he's completely ruined our lives....but then I think about those poor kids in the images. What happened to them for the photos to be out there, the fact that photos of these children (even when they're adults) will still exist and haunt them and still be used for horrible things long after they were taken.
but what's that phrase about how in terrible times look for the good and the helpers. This forum-all the things we've gone through but we're working together to comfort and support each other. Look at the strength of us all working out backsides off and dragging ourselves through this anguish to get some sort of normal life back for ourselves and families. That's incredible.
I totally get it, I'm very bitter about how someone else's decisions impact on others. But it's hard because I spent half my life with this person-it's hard to get your head round the fact they'd do this knowing the likely risks. They've lost everything which is awful; but it's not my fault I haven't done anything wrong so why does it feel like I'm being punished as well?
The fallout from these crimes on the family of offenders is cruel. But then I give my head a wobble and remind myself; yes I'm struggling and yes he's completely ruined our lives....but then I think about those poor kids in the images. What happened to them for the photos to be out there, the fact that photos of these children (even when they're adults) will still exist and haunt them and still be used for horrible things long after they were taken.
but what's that phrase about how in terrible times look for the good and the helpers. This forum-all the things we've gone through but we're working together to comfort and support each other. Look at the strength of us all working out backsides off and dragging ourselves through this anguish to get some sort of normal life back for ourselves and families. That's incredible.